Well, it hasn't been a great start to a life of crime really. There had been a lot of talk about a crew out of Hollywood who were so good that they didn't even need to recruit people, no jobs, nothing. You just had to be spotted and recruited to join them right off the street. So imagine how perfect I thought it was going to be when I found myself picked out of the crowd and sponsored by these guys. Boy, was I wrong. I wasn't able to push much weight on my own, but it was at least something, this crew? Bill Doyle has never even heard of them! No narcotics on this estate. Duchess who? 

I wasn't going to be getting rich that way, so I had to try something else. I would never get to that 'fuck you' money stage relying on other people so it was time to put some faith in myself. While I decided what I was going to do with the rest of my life, I thought I would cheer myself up by picking a few pockets, which should be simple enough for a guy called "Pickpocket" right?

First job, $355 made. It was easy. I'm a genius. I nabbed the wallet of JuanitaPfftNoticeThi, which was practically falling out of her bright red shorts so it would have been rude not to take it and now I had enough to take the rest of the afternoon off if I want to. I feel the rush of being a success. Are you proud of me, Dad? I'm going to make it. I'm going to be someone. Which shall I buy first, the boat or the plane?

Second job then on my journey to being the greatest pickpocket of all time. Should be a piece of piss like that opener, surely. 

Oh.

I chanced my arm on AngelGonyer and barely got near to him before he was whirling around and threatening to break my fingers if I put them anywhere near him. That knocked my confidence a bit, I'm too handsome to get punched in the mush. Maybe I'll not do anything that might put me out of action for tomorrow. Gotta protect the money-maker and all that.

Day 1

Sep 20, 14:45:19    You tried to PICKPOCKET! AngelGonyer.
Sep 20, 10:16:53    You PICKPOCKETED! JuanitaPfftNoticeThi. You took $335.

A great start on day 1.

I managed to clear $355 with a 50% success rate. Making my overall career stats:

Total successes: 1

Total failures: 1

Amount made: $355

Greatest pickpocket of all time status: not quite yet. 

Day 2 was going to be even better than day 1, I just knew it. I awoke full of confidence and morning glory hard enough to butter my toast. This was going to be great and I was never going to have to rely on DuchessDingleberry, Nevaa or Fusillio-Pestoni making themselves known enough to the local FBN agent to be able to get enough money to eat ever again. What a man I was. Glorious, erect and successful. 

By the time I'd actually made it onto the street it was past midday. Who needed to start early when you were clearing $335 right off the bat? I decided that the high street would be a good place to start, lots of hustle and bustle and opportunities to ply my trade. I saw a guy in a long jacket and grey hat who didn't seem like he was paying attention. There was a bulge in his pants and I was sure it was his wallet and not just him being happy to see me. I let him get ahead of me before I made my move, fingers lightly brushing against his pants pocket...

Sep 21, 13:54:25    You tried to PICKPOCKET! Scheidecker.

Oh shit, he whirled around, saw my questing fingers, raised an eyebrow and gave me a wicked grin. Maybe that bulge wasn't just his wallet after all.

What a mess. 

I managed to get out there with my dignity still intact but it was a close run thing. I was still breathing hard, head resting against the wall when I felt something tug against my jacket. What the hell? 

Sep 21, 14:00:42    An unidentified assailant PICKPOCKETED you, taking $15,000

I frantically patted my coat, then my trouser legs. I could only feel my keys. Where the fuck was my money? I'd been carrying a fat wad so people thought I was a big shot and now what, had I dropped it? Wait. Dropped it? From an inside pocket? No. I'd been...I'd been fucking robbed! ME! How dare they?! I felt so violated. Was this how my victims felt, alone, sweaty and impotently enraged? 

Never a-fucking-gain. I was furious and knew the only way back from this was to get out on the street and earn my supper. I stalked a few civilians without success and then I found a potential target. I'd seen him around and about a few times and by all accounts his family were able to deal drugs. He must be loaded - a perfect mark. 

I charged right at him, still hurting from losing all of my money, abandoning all sense of surprise and choosing to try and overpower him. 

Sep 21, 15:30:45    You tried to PICKPOCKET! ScrappyDoo.

I woke up on the floor, face throbbing. Turned out I couldn't overpower him after all. Whoops. He'd beat the piss out of me and left me with a fat lip and likely a mild concussion. The sun felt bright on my face and I could feel the heat working up my body. It was a very persistent heat thinking about it, gently tugging at my pockets, inside my jacket, trying to roll me over...wait a fucking minute. Was it happening again? Fuck no.

My eyes snapped open and I saw the ugliest face I'd ever seen in my life staring back at me, mouth gaping, stupid and afraid. "Shit!" he mumbled, staggering away. I felt an anger burning in me hotter than his searching paws had ever been and I was on my feet in seconds. He turned and ran but I was quicker. I was on him, launching myself into his back sending us both clattering to the floor. I let my fists go pounding him like my meat earlier that day, time after time into his head, arms, legs, anywhere I could reach, as I felt him finally go limp beneath me - also like this morning - and I drew in a breath.

Victory. I was fucking back. I reached a hand into his pocket and found a fat and rather effeminate looking coin purse. Tearing it open I saw it was full to the brim.

Sep 21, 20:18:28    You caught up with BuddyLittlePaw, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $34,456
Sep 21, 20:15:06    BuddyLittlePaw PICKPOCKETED you, taking $262 from you. If you are quick enough, you can extract a little revenge.

Fucking yes. Pickpocket 1 - 0 Lame little bitches. I gave him one good kick for good measure and then I took off, calling it a night to count my winnings.

Starting balance: $335

Earnings from pickpocketing: $0 - tough day.

Losses from being pickpocketed: -$15,262 - the fucking shame of it.

Earnings from muggings: $34,456

Net profit: $19,194

Total balance: $19,529

Total successes: 1

Total failures: 3

Success rate: 25%

Greatest pickpocket of all time status: not quite yet.

I poured all the money I had made into the bath and got into it, naked. It actually didn't fill it up very high so I got out a little while later feeling cold. It took a bit of time to get it all back out and then I felt a bit dirty from the day and the money bath so got a shower. No losses on day 3, that was going to be the key.