Friends, friendettes and inferior beings,

I come before you today with a magnificent idea. This idea is nothing like other ideas that might have been thrown around. When you actually compare it to other ideas, you will be truly amazed and forget about everything else. People have asked me how I could actually come up with such an idea, but this is something only I could have come up with.

Good American people, I stand before you today, on this scorched earth, to propose two of the ideas that have been thrown around quite a lot since my arrival here. (No one has mentioned anything.)

1. The people desperately need and want Homelander to lead.

2. Spikey is incredibly fortunate to have been chosen as a right hand to this organization.

I am Homelander. I am stronger, smarter, and most importantly, better.

However, two things stand in the way between me and greatness.

First, I require $300 million in donations so I can grab and fully train some bodyguards. Not because I need protection, of course, but apparently being a God isn't enough around here.

Second, I ask anyone with murderous tendencies to kindly refrain from pulling the trigger and firing any shots towards me and my future right hand, Spikey.

Spikey will be handling the day to day paperwork, diplomacies, taxes and all the other pesky stuff and me, I will handle being adored.

Remember though, you don't really have to love me but it is strongly encouraged.

God bless America.

And most importantly, God bless Me!

Jimmy, I see you're a man of reason.

I appreciate your endorsement. I'll have Spikey oversee the whole logistics regarding John Deere situation.

God bless you Jimmy.

But most importantly, God bless me.

I think we all know this would be a terrible idea. But in case you don’t, here’s why:

1.) He seems keen now, but give him three days in a bold suit and he’ll disappear from public office faster than a Spikey gets purged

2.) In those three days of wild (or perhaps merely acceptable) activity levels he will call upon half a dozen old friends to support his run, the run will slow to a walk and then to a crawl, eventually his poor formerly retired friends will take pitty on him and resentingly run the district on his behalf

3.) In addressing his speech to “friends, friendettes and inferior beings” Homelander may as well be talking to a brick wall, for he has no friends, certainly no friendettes and there is no being inferior to himself. Thus the entire speech was moot and I call upon the gods to close the conversation here and now

Homelander reads through what Pickleface has to say before continuing:

Ah Pickleface, when I was adressing the inferior beings I got to admit that I wasn't expecting one to show up so soon.

Although I'm quite flattered by your speech. Would've also accepted some flowers.

Now, I believe I made it quite clear that Spikey would be handling all the work while I would just stand there and be adored. I'm not sure where along the way you got confused but I'll get Spikey to babyproof my speech next time.

Next, as per your own words:

he will call upon half a dozen old friends to support his run

And then:

for he has no friends

Make up your mind.

God bless you, Pickleface.

And don't forget, reading and understanding are two wonderful skills. I'm sure you'll master at least one of them someday!

Touché Homelander, touché.

Don’t push back on the facts of the argument, instead appoint your lawyer to find inconstencies in the language and try and fight it on a technicality. Fine.

By ‘old friends’ I of course meant former friends. People who got left carrying the proverbial baby one too many times and no longer count themselves anything more than a loose acquaintance at best.

A feeble looking man overhears the back and forth between Pickleface and Homelander. He looks exhausted having just to hold his chin up long enough to hear them finish their back-and-forth. With a significant amount of effort, he conjures up the strength to part his lips and lets out a sad little whimper.

"Far too many mentions of Spikey in this conversation for me. I can't muster up the strength to lift myself out of bed in the morning, I just flop helplessly out of the covers and onto the floor and wait to be rescued by my man-servant when he hears the thump, but even I could muster up better reasons for leadership that this. I'm not convinced that you information is solid. Has anyone mentioned actually wanting Homelander to lead anywhere? Seems unlikely to me. Very unlikely."