TextBasedMafiaRPGMan recently came to the streets and asked, "what's next?", which is a valid question for a man about to meet a hopefully very messy end to proffer. Upon hearing and more importantly seeing him, rather than answering his question, there was a lot of talk in coffeeshops about just whether it was possible that he was as stupid as he looks, and the conclusion was a resounding "yes". But there were other, deeper contemplations as friends, rivals and purported racists consumed their drinks amongst the chaos like a night at D0m1n1c's. These were the type of thoughts that rattle around the brain and distract even the most dedicated speakeasy complainer from crowing "oh my, the innocents," as Gangsters indistinguishable from protectors fall, or "I wonder if the people who planned this war thought this (with this being the thing that happens literally every time a conflict of this size commences) was gonna happen??".

The most meaningful of those queries was undoubtedly: "Who could beat TextBasedMafiaRPGMan in a fight?" and the first name for consideration was "Ferret". Unfortunately as I was composing this topic for discussion some mean individual silenced Ferret and he is therefore no longer available for consideration. I suppose we could still mull over whether Text could beat up a ferret carcass but that seems a little too macabre during such bloody times. You might also be wondering who murdered Ferret and was it to do with him outing TBMRPGM's west coast cannon? That question is not being analysed here so we will park it for now perhaps to revisit in the future although I strongly suspect it was. 

We will instead call this 1-0 to TBMRPGM and move to the next challenger. Let us ponder whether......Father-TeQ would be able to best the veteran from Dingleberry Estate (had to look up what this crew was called) in a fight. What are all of your thoughts?

To me, this one is maybe even more of a no-brainer than when we were thinking about Text kicking seven shades of shit out of the corpse of the polybinned ferret in round 1. A real coughing baby vs hydrogen bomb situation in favour of mushroom cloud TBMRPGM this one unfortunately. Sure, TeQ has longevity and plenty of mentions of his kin on his side, but could a man of the cloth really stand up to a man of metal, even if said metal man has let the likes of Sal_Rossi, [br]Odin and somehow xLadyfighterx surpass him on the VIP power list? In my opinion, no. He'd be dead as fuck.

Anyone prepared to speak in favour of Father-TeQ?

Wayne, what have I done to generate such disdain from you?

We could've been great friends. Father-TeQ and I don't want to fight. He knows I'd win. I'm made of metal. It's not a fair fight. I've recently joined a new dojo run by the mighty Levon, and in our morning keiko (or 'training session', for the casuals), sensei Levon stressed the importance of saving our energy for fighting Telkin, disgraced slayer of mafia basketball. 

Kung-fu is a privilege to wield. I cannot just lash out against any portly mafia goomba. I remain disciplined and committed to our greater goal of disparaging the Illuminatiated name. My second act as a mystical, robotic karate monk is only just beginning. 

These are admittedly admirable goals and I think the money hitting my bank account from Father-TeQ today, which I can only construe as an acknowledgment of the mammoth task in front of him, an attempt to avoid a beating and acceptance of defeat, means that this contest has been settled. That makes it 2-0 to TextBasedMafiaRPGMan in the current standings, with TeQ's collar joining Ferret's pelt on Text's utility belt as trophies.

Given the task laid out by our esteemed leader, Levon, the next person for consideration in terms of capability of beating up Text has to be Telkin or Ian 'Illuminatiated' O'Keefe as he is commonly known. I think it is only fair to note that Text's record in street fights (currently 2-0) is actually reversed in historic conflicts between Text and Telkin, which stands at two vicious murders to zero in favour of Telkin. Do you think he would make it three zip if the pair came to blows now?  

Whilst we mull over the Telkin/Text scenario that I am sure has everyone captivated, and wondering how many times Text has been bested by him previously (at least twice), I was recently in a popular speakeasy when a well spoken but slightly dumpy man was espousing about his own abilities. He claimed that he could best TextBasedMafiaRPGMan before he even drew his sword. That seems unlikely to me and the sword itself against a metal man somewhat redundant. I'm preemptively declaring that LordFarquaad wouldn't stand chance. He can take pride of place between the already dead ferret and Father-TeQ on the list of Text's victims. 

Next up: CaptainSmoker. He wants to get a long sock with two cans of tuna in it from McDonalds. I'm not sure they sell those and if they did, Text would likely already have had his peasants collecting them and presenting them to him as an offering. It isn't actually looking very good at all for CaptainSmoker. Perhaps we could get him an undercard spot. Not sure he's quite god himself top billing yet. No crowd appeal. 

I've heard of fighters hand-picking their opponents in order to ensure a good win/loss record, but what I see here is even worse. It looks like the fighter is not even entertaining the possibility of fighting contenders who may fight in other conferences?  There's this one guy in the "Outside" Conference. Toughest motherfucker the Outside ever did see. I can't remember his name, but someone got shitty with him one time when he was playing darts and he started flipping over tables.

You want real competition? Head over there.

I've heard of the man, sensei Levon. A dangerous man. The type who'd make Kuku run to his mommy with just a few choice words, according to legend. That's a challenge I would gladly take on. I would be honored to meet him at the Kumite. SoWeakWayne has yet to find me a challenger as powerful. 

Like everyone else here I'm both disappointed and unsurprised that the esteemed Brobot TextBasedMafiaRPGMan has decided to tuck his robot tail into his robot pants to create the impression of a robot dookie, and has hidden beneath the roof of another. In other words TextBasedMafiaRPGMan shat his pants. 

Shameful behaviour.

Luckily he has a chance to redeem himself. Ted Jalloh and his magnificent beard are right there for the taking. Text has a self proclaimed 8,000 kill gun. When will the duel take place?

InnocentLambKofta, you strike me as the type of man who would grow facial hair in the shape of a ballsack, strap on his finest denim overalls and pull off a job in Downtown, LA. But, that doesn't make you wrong. A broken clock is right twice a day and even muscle-bound country bumpkins can rise through the ranks of the mob in LA apparently. Maybe Text should fight Ted or the outside prince who makes people madder than Hitler when we was losing the war. I'd be there to watch it. I'd buy a ticket to that. In the good seats though, not next to the sloppy farmhands and Cavemans of the world.