Tired of constant war? Got a name you want crossed off? A whole crew you’ve had enough of? Leave word at the door. I have a certain amount of skills and funds to pull off impossible hits.

For a crew job, I go in looking for work. I make myself useful, earn their trust, and give them a few reasons to start asking questions about each other. Once they’re busy trying to figure out who sold them out, I go rogue and pick them off one by one.

Whole crew contracts

Crew| Price

New crew| $250 million

Established crew| $500 million

Legendary crew| $800 million

Once we agree on the target crew, that’s the crew on the contract. No swapping it out halfway through, we will discuss a plan before your deposit and several fail safes if things go sour, even with my skills luck and timing is like an unstoppable force of nature afterall.

Book these on their own or add them to a crew contract at any time.

Job| Price

Target one player| $5–100 million, depending on rank and protection

Spy work: gather intel and report back to you| $10 million

The Politician: feed your rivals false intel| $10 million

Custom job| Starts at $50 million

Terms:

-25% up front, 75% when the job is done.

-We agree on the plan and what counts as finished before any money changes hands. You get a copy of the contract, and I’ll ask an someone important like an admin of some sort to take a copy as a neutral witness if one is willing.

-I make my living getting paid the second installment. Once I take your deposit, I stick to the deal we made.

-If I fail the job or you call it off early, you get back 10% of your deposit, equal to 2.5% of the full contract price. The remaining balance is only due on completion.

Leave your name in a sealed envelope. We’ll talk about theirs inside.

I received a flyer just like this in my inbox. I scrunched it up so tightly I left it looking like how I would imagine Levon's old man ballbag looked before he got himself first waved and everyone's weekend went into the toilet. Dessicated, unappealing and ignored. Levon in a nutshell. Or sack. Why would I want to pay to be involved with something that draws my thoughts towards an elderly set of bollocks, Mr_Chicken? That isn't going to make me part with the $800 million I've definitely got. You'll have to come up with something better than this testicle-conjuring wiffle, I'm afraid, although I would say I complete agree with the pricing structure. That bit I'm all in favour of.