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| Tea Time!: Issue Four | Started by: Lily on Aug 11, '08 19:57 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Four: Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. We find it rather amusing that often people ask us, "Why are you so cruel?" or "Why are you all such bitches?". While we don't think we're that extreme, the questions above can be answered in two parts. This week we will present the first part to the answer 'why'. So why? Because "Well-behaved women rarely make history". As selfish and elitist as that sounds, it's because of you, readers. We want to be remembered as a publication that was celebrated. We want to make a difference in the way things are 'seen and heard' around here. We want to stand for the strong woman inside all female Mafiosi, the one who can speak their minds without abandon. Even if some of you out there don't like us, there is a small group out there who do. As long as those people exist we will continue to misbehave. Drink up, everyone, in celebration to those unruly, insane women who will continue to make history! Now get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Grain alcohol and smiles, Frankiee, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. **** Trouble in Paradise Uh Oh Article by Reporter Black Soon after Alessia arrived home from rehab she knew something was wrong. The family seemed less familyish. As she walked through the halls she could see members glaring, cussing under their breath and being ridiculously rude to other members. With her great speed Alessia called an emergency meeting of her upper structure and just as she expected the board room quickly swelled with the same anger. Once she had everyone seated and quieted she asked what happened while she was gone. Words were thrown back from each side and eventually the truth came out. StonedSilent, La Famiglia dei Guardiani's hit squad leader was giving his girlfriend, Anne_Marie more jobs, hits and kills then the rest of them. The family had split in half over this problem. Coming to the conclusion never to leave her family again Alessia dismissed everyone and sat in her office trying to figure out this new problem. **** Hamster Found Dead Family Members Poisoned His Watertube Article by Reporter Pot July 23 brought forth the death of the killer Hamster and most of his family. Including, his RH and temp LH's. In his funeral the late Twisted_Sister was heard saying "Long ago my family taught yours the way's of this world, and now I see this come to light.". Could this give a bit of insight to why Hamster was the way he was? Well, aside from the killing part, because we all know Twisted_Sister's family line was all about the peace, and not harming anyone. Later on, before his demise LargeHamster was seen saying such things about how he was leaving this world forever and that his sons/daughters would never step foot on these streets. It might be hard to do this, since hamsters have a very large reproduction rate. He was also heard spewing remarks about how bad it is to trust a woman. Maybe it's bad to trust a drunk woman, but surely you can't lump all women in the same category. After all, he did worship Alessia and gave her any and everything she wanted until she decided she was done using him for her amusement. Too bad for Twisted_Sister, and her teaching Hamster the ways of this world. He's completely disregarded his friend, ally and sister because last time I checked he said he can't trust any woman. I guess he was just using her to his benefit to just toss aside like he did with the rest of his family members he was seen killing off. That happens when you're a little Hamster with no one to call mother. Don Alessia stated her reasons for killing the Hamster were; "he was getting out of control" and "he was killing off his family members." Was he getting out of control because he kept bringing Alessia magnums of wine from his parents winery and bottles of Gin to her rehab facility? I mean it's obvious she's relapsed after doing so well for two days. An anonymous witness stated "I saw the hamster crawl into the facility through a hole in the wall next to what looked like Alessia's room. He had a brown paper bag strapped to his back." Also, why do something about him killing his members now? I mean this had been a problem since the day he became a leader. I use that term loosely mind you. As Branston said "he lived his life with such blinding arrogance that he didn't learn anything. Ever.". Branston, you are a wise old chap. I'm sure many out there feel the same way as Mr. Picklespear sandwich when agreeing that Hamster probably didn't learn much of a lesson. Overall, he was only really seen lurking around the jails, killing his people, and running on his precious wheel. I can't seem to remember everything this late Hamster has done for our world. In all honesty, it's a pretty accurate statement. Rest in Peace Hamster, may you run on the eternal wheel and never tire. **** The Art of War Or As The Past Week Has Shown, The Lack Thereof A 'How To' Guide by Ima Ree Porter War. At one time this world looked upon the act of decimating your rival crew or family as a form of art. Hours of painstaking, careful planning went into effect in a skillful takedown. In case of emergency, back-up plans were made. Things were kept airtight, quiet. The days of old showed us that War, while horrible in action through endless amounts of bloodshed, could actually be a beautiful thing. Yet that is not the case anymore. It seems that some of the newer leaders have taken a different approach. One that yes, may be less effective, but it certainly has it's... er, 'strong points'... right? At least they seem to be friendlier towards the opposing family at any rate. Want to wage a war in the new, edgy and unsafe fashion? Follow these steps and you will be just as good as some of the current Dons when it comes to these battles for life and death. Step One: Leak all your war information. Like I said above, it takes careful planning to get a war underway, right? Nothing is better than helping things along then having someone leak information to the other family. Nay, the entire mobster world. Make sure it is someone obscure, that you only partially trust, who makes the announcement. That, or just do it yourself! Step Two: Shoot one person. The war is underway, congrats! What a better way to get things done than shoot one of the opposing family's hitters per hour? You're on the path to winning this war, even if the end is fifty-odd hours away. Chipping away at the block is surely the best method in this case. Step Three: Shoot people who don't matter! Once you've taken about fourteen hours to shoot up all the hitters of the other family, why not rally your Hit squad together to launch an attack on the Wise Guys, Earners and Goombas of the family? To hell with the rest of those Made Men and above who are without protection or have not yet been shot at; kill the ones who certainly are giving protection to the upper structure. Even if they have been asleep for two or more days, they must die! Step Four: Get highly outraged when an attack is launched back. So things aren't panning out as well as you initially hoped, eh, Master of the Battle? The opposing family has rallied together their remaining members and are attempting to take you down or die trying. What do you do in this instance, you ask? Get MAD! Throw a tizzy fit, take it to the Streets! Punch a wall, break a glass bottle upon a table! This family has no right to try and take down your crew. Burst into their family coffee shops in an outrage and give them a piece of your mind. You started it first, it's not fair not fair not fair! *Stomps feet angrily* Step Five: Perform the closing ceremonies. You somehow managed to fell the enemy and made it out alive. What's left to do? Make a speech, obviously. Do it somewhere public, like in the Streets. Clearly outline the other family's faults while covering up the fact that you made a mockery of the war and barely scraped by on the skin of your teeth. Just as long as the general population knows who 'owned' who, it doesn't matter that you lost half of your crew needlessly. And there you have it folks! Five steps to guarantee that someday, you too can successfully run a war. **** HEIDI, YOU BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Q: Heidi, For the past week or so there have been several wars that have broken out between various mob families. I, for one, was not informed by my crew or Boss until the war was well under way, or until it had already passed. I think it's dangerous and I'm tired of my life being at risk. How can I bring this up to my Boss without making it sound like criticism? Thanks, Ill-Informed A: Really, look around you. For the most part, you can reasonably assume that at any moment one of the Bosses around here is going to open their eyes and realize how utterly incompetent one of their peers is. So, really, you should assume the defensive position at all times. Put tin foil over your windows and sit in your closet with a loaded shotgun, 24/7. But, really, you make a good point-- It is the responsible thing to do to warn the family of impending war, or war in progress for the procrastination set. But apparently they don't. Because they pretty much couldn't give a shit, Ill. Sorry, but that's not changing. Anyway, as consolation, I'll be sending you a box of shotgun shells. And there's plenty more where that came from, so just fire randomly and wildly. ~ Q: Miss Hoels, Hello. Right, so I've done everything under the sun. Donations, crimes, odds and ends and tasks that I don't want to repeat. I've even done the occasional sexual favor for my Boss, and my Made Man promotion still has yet to materialize. What am I doing wrong? Desperately Seeking Promotion A: A lot, it seems. It'll take a lot more to get your Button than just a little "Dirty Plunger", the "Smelly Hawaiian", or- if you're trying to get up close with FlyingPig- the "Chunk Shuffle". Sad truth is this: you can't win respect through sexual favors. Nor will that fucking pig of a... Pig call you the next day. Trust me. It happened to an, uh, friend of mine once. What you can earn with your body is my own personal admiration. So go get 'em girlfriend! (Or... boyfriend? Hmm.) Be sure to take lots of notes, then send them to Heidi Hoels c/o Tea Time. Not that I'm going to use them for anything weird, though. I'm writing a medical dissertation. About whores. ~ Q:Hey Heidi - Are you sexy? - Wannasee Yanaked A: Hmm... in relation to what exactly? The other gals working at Tea Time? I'd say I cut pretty close. On the other hand, I've had goiters that were more attractive than Branston. But, in general, I'd say that yes, I'm a pretty hot little number. Eight foot, seven inches of pure sex. So much so that it's like sex had sex with itself, and gave birth to me as it's weird masturbatory love child. Springtime and unicorns, as always, Heidi Hoels **** Rising Architect Hits New York and Philly Shows off Amazing New Building Structure Article by Reporter Black He goes by the name Break and he's ready to build you the biggest and greatest head quarters ever. Break was first hired by the mob boss Daera who flew him first class out of Chicago where Break usually resides with Alessia and co. As soon as he arrived in town he was quickly escorted to Daera's office and looking over blue prints of the new add on. It took three days of planning and five days of hard labor before the renovations, restorations and add-ons of the old gothic tower were finished. Even before the grand opening of the new wing Daera had people lining up around the block to join his organization. Many were turned away, Daera only accepts the greatest. Satisfied with his work in New York, Break flew up to Philly to help Iris with the same problem. Iris indulged Break in the finest of hotels, food and girls just as Daera had done. If the life of crime doesn't work out for you, look into architecture. **** The Fake Death Heard Around The World Hold On to Your Pockets Article by Reporter Pot Earlier this week former LHM of The New Scum, Scorch had planned to fake his own death. Sick and tired of this life and having to wash Daera's car tires twice daily, he arranged to escape the Mafia life. Thinking he'd be able to pull this off and enter into the witness protection program with ease, he proceeded to pick the first guy who casually bumped into him on the streets. Scorch propositioned the man to either help him plan his death, or the man would face his own demise and Scorch would just blame the young mans death on him being a pickpocket. The man was reluctant to help this stranger plan such a thing, so Scorch proceeded to call the man names and insult his intelligence. Funny how Scorch would be one to insult another mans intelligence, don't you think? Turns out this stuck up little weasels plan turned out to be a success, or so we all thought. Scorch's death didn't go exactly how he planned though. The young man who was supposed to help him finally picked up that something wasn't right. I mean why would a LHM want to fake his own death? It must be a setup, surely. Needless to say this man didn't want to be branded a random pickpocket. While pickpocketing is seen as a harmless crime, Scorch was determined to see fit that anyone who touched him would be killed. I guess this explains the lack of ladies in his life. I mean, if you don't want to risk all your money being slipped out of that wallet in your back pocket the easy solution would be; don't keep all your cash in your wallet. Pretty simple really, or so one would think. Not Scorch though, oh no, he stood by his no touching policy stating "not touching him at all would be the intelligent thing to do. Before he could finish his next sentence, Scorch was magically struck by lightening. Some thought, "thank God he's gone". Others were in utter shock and were dying to find out what happened to this man and the rest were sleeping, not having a care in the world. Before the latter would wake, Scorch was back on the streets claiming that God had taken him for a little walk on the other side. Ever since, he's been seen stating that he learned his lesson.....but has he really? We haven't seen him with his pressed LH suit lately. Let this be a lesson people, if you see Scorch out and about, you best not lay a finger on this man for his paranoia will get you a shot to the skull. **** Life in the All Speed Lane Don of Crime City, USA Breaks Sound Barrier Article by Reporter Hagatha Nodick "I arrived with all speed and we proceeded along with my ally LargeHamster to take him down." - Alessia, 7-25 When I heard that Don Alessia traveled at "all speed" I was absolutely stunned. Not so much that the majority of the world had never heard of it, but more because I thought that the secret of such a high velocity had been locked away in the catacombs of history forever. The key to unlock it was a series of nonsensical verbal syllables that was thought to be so complex no one would ever be able to repeat it for the remainder of Earth's life. Then last week, LargeHamster uttered the words that exhumed our long kept secret from the bowels of the planet: "yes I done it reasons for the company he holds". I represent a small collective known as, The Mighty Protectorate of the Secret of All Speed and Various Other Similar Rapidities, TMPotSoASaVOSR for short. Now we're all doomed. Two of our most famous members, Sir Isaac Newton and Daniel Bernoulli, whom you may know as acclaimed physicists, were KILLED to protect the secret of All Speed, their documentation of the pace destroyed in the process. We take no chances. You need to understand when God created Adam, he initially gave him a speed higher than that ever known on this Earth. Then Eve fellated a sacred banana and noticed that Adam was moving crazy fucking fast so God revoked the speed and banished it to an unknown realm within our world never to be seen again. He then created us to protect the secret and spoke in ancient Aramaic to seal the tomb it was hidden in. That was until last week when LargeHamster spoke those fateful words. All Speed incubated itself inside of Don Alessia until the time was right, then burst out in a bright Phoenix-ian light display allowing her to practically teleport into a war. Proper protocol for this abomination would dictate that we kill Don Alessia and LargeHamster to protect our secret, unfortunately we've been around for, like, thousands of years, and now we're too lazy to rank. Soz. **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings Member of the New York New Scum Bogart, being thrown out of a 'Players Only' room at a Las Vegas Casino. Was heard pleading with the bouncers outside the door "What? My 'I owe you's aren't good enough?!" Kangaroo, Captain to Java Cartel and head of the Mocha Syndicate, boxing his Right Hand Caligula into a steady stream of traffic. Local Disc Jockey Noob, accidentally locking himself out of his studio after using the bathroom, leaving his station on endless commercials. Witnesses claim he began to beat his fists against the door and burst into tears. The editors of Tea Time, Frankiee, Lily and Marietta, engaging in some sexual related activity with one another inside their magazine headquarters. MrsTM4ever, long standing member of the Java Cartel, seen attending a dinner with a well-known lawyer. Halfway through the meal the lawyer was slumped over the table, drugged, and MrsTM was rifling through his pockets and making off with his wallet. Chicago CaptainLionTigerBear-thingAnimal Czar, attending dinner with his Right Hand JMK. Was seen stealing bites off of JMK's plate when the man wasn't looking. After consuming copious amounts of alcohol at a local diner, Catastrophe, member of La Famiglia dei Guardiani, placing a random pair of panties upon his head and attempting to rob a liquor store. Was seen escorted to jail by Chicago police shortly thereafter. Don Iris of Philly, seen spanking her Left Hand SoundWarnings with a belt in an alley behind a family-owned bar. Was reported as saying, "You like that, big boy?" **** New York Nights And Other Things That Suck Article by Reporter Heidi Hoels Weird how, in all my years, and considering how much of a hub it is for this thing of ours, I had never set foot in New York City. "You've got to see it!" urged the Tea Time girls, shocked. "Why? what's to see that isn't in Chicago?" I asked. "There's no real way to explain it, but it's different. Everything about it." "You're all insane. It's a city-- buildings, streets, people, rats. City." But they wouldn't accept this, and kept pushing me to fly in for a weekend visit, saying that, supposedly, everything, even the rats and people, were different and exciting in New York. Finally, I relented, just to appease them and move on to more important things, like which Leader had been found unconscious in a bus station toilet. My flight got in a little after three in the afternoon. I was escorted to my hotel where I piled most of the furniture against the door and had a drink or seven to calm my nerves. There's something oddly unsettling about this city, even though I had hardly paid any attention to it in the car over. But I could feel it just outside of the window, quietly planning, plotting against me. Finally, around eight or so, I disassembled my barricade and cautiously set out to see the famed nightlife in this crummy town. I was merely steps out of the front door of the hotel when he accosted me-- a man i recognized from pictures I had seen coming through the Tea Time offices, week after week. Daera, the leader of The New Scum. "Well, you're obviously lost!" He called after me. "Excuse me?" I called back, determined to show no signs of wavering. "Your way... you don't seem to know it. You're in need of direction." "Uh... whatever. What's it to you?" "I can show you things you've never SEEN before, maaaaaaaan. Stuff you never dreamt about, it's out there!" "Huh. Look freakshow, I've got clothes to buy and be too fat to wear, so..." Before I could turn away, he had gripped my arm, and was pulling me away into the alley. I would have screamed, but I doubt if anyone in the neighborhood would care. Kooky fuckers like this guy don't get to the top of a city like this without having their arms around every cop, deli owner and paperboy in town. Plus, for being such a goofy little guy, he was kinda cute in his own little bugged-out way. He pounded on a handless door in the alley and it swung open. He lead me inside, down into the basement of the building. It was an ugly little place, all brown and drippy. It could really have used some doilies or something. He ushered me off into a side-room where three men sat around a table, shoveling what appeared to be cocaine into their noses. My host hunched himself over the table and funneled the substance into himself as fast as his nostrils would allow. "Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrr," He moaned as he straightened himself back up, and began to convulse with pleasure. "Wow," I said, "What's in that stuff?" "House blend," one of the men said, winking. "Secret." "Give it a go." Said Daera, motioning me towards the pile. "Um, eww, no." I took a step back, "Put my face in that stuff after all your faces have been in it? Pass." They went on for an hour or so. My patience had long since worn thin, so I inquired about a ladies room. In response, I was pointed down the dreary hallway, third door on the left, which opened into a room not a lot unlike and 18th century saloon, only it was the same dull cement as everything else. Plus, there was a toilet in it, right there, alone, in the center of the room. I'm not one for contracting diseases the cheap way, so I kept my distance. I was hoping I could find some sort of vent to crawl through, hopefully to freedom, or at least into the hands of a captor who changes his shirt every few weeks or so. No luck. The door creaked behind me. I frantically dug into my cute little handbag for something to wield as a weapon. My choices were slim: lipstick, forty-three cent in mixed change, or a small nail file. I turned hesitantly to face the incoming brute. "Heya." he said, nodding slightly, then turning to some other business by the bar. Thinking on my feet, I grabbed a nearby stool and lunged for him. Once the heat of the moment faded I realized what I had done. Not only had I perpetrated an attack on a high profile Family on their own turf, but I had just knocked what could very possibly be a Made man unconscious and filed a flat spot on the side of his skull. I needed to get out. Quick. In my haste and confusion, I accidentally wandered right back into Daera's den of druggy insanity. I knew I was done this time. He grinned when he saw me, and pushed aside the now nearly cleared table as he stood. "I've got something for you." He said, moving toward me, a bit clumsily, and shoving his hand down the front of his pants. "Oh. God." I said, trying to fight off the complete breakdown that was creeping up on me. I sighed, "Another day, another dollar." "Here, take it." He had extracted his hand from his crotch and nor thrust a wrinkled sheet of paper at me. On it were a rough map of the neighborhood and a list of tourist attractions and businesses to visit. I took it gingerly from his hand, and folded it. I found myself back in the alley with Daera standing just inside the door. "Have a nice night now," he said, "And don't go about not telling nobody nothing, yeah?" "What?" "Good." Then he closed the door, and the ordeal was over. I wandered down to the first place on the list - a small diner - for a cup of coffee and apple pie. All the faces looked angry, so i decided i didn't want to hang around long, so I left my treat half consumed and headed back to the hotel. "You look lost, ma'am, anything I can help with?" Asked a stranger on the corner. I picked a bottle from the trash, smashed it on a street lamp and stabbed him. Twice. In the face. **** Recruting Show Us Your Intellagence You're Going to do What to Me Now? Article by Reporter Kettle TM-Scarface. There's not much we can really say about him. Actually, there's not much anyone can say about him for that matter. He's the leader of the Las Vegas crime syndicate. He's a man of very, very... very few words. Mostly, that appears to be all one can really remark upon. Here at Tea Time, however, we've got an itch to say something. Mister Scarface requested a face-to-face with the Tea Time Editors about two weeks ago. After a tense meeting where he asked to be featured in our paper on a regular basis, we finally agreed, figuring any news is good news. We sent several reporters over to his place of residence to conduct interviews several times, and either one of two things happened: One, they were turned away at the door. Two, they were granted audience only to shortly be told after it was completed, by an on-his-knees and begging Boss, "Please don't put that in Tea Time". To be honest, we're tired of playing cat and mouse with a man who cannot make up his mind, so we have gone and made it up for him. In two separate articles. Congrats, TM, you got your wish! TM is a leader who has yet to prove anything to, well, anyone. Thus far he has done nothing in his career that is considered "noteworthy", unless you count the hours of entertainment he has provided many a Mafiosi with his antics. After much boasting from one of his Inner Circle that their Hit-Squad Leader was unbreakable to any outside influences and would never betray the family, one of Tea Time's Reporters charmed the pants off the man, Darth_Vader, gaining vital family information and completely proving that the crew itself is as weak willed as the leader. This, however, was reported two issues ago. So what's new? you may be asking. The other day after shamelessly advertising his family in the public arena known as the Streets, the man went to a local tattoo parlor and got himself inked with what we all will consider an epic fail of a slogan. "Recruting show us your intellagence" will forever go down in history as one the better tattoos we have ever laid eyes upon. Perhaps it is a jab and sarcastic? Who knows: TM could surprise us all and have an immense amount of humor and wit behind that stoic and silent mask. After digging around, there is so much to be said it's overwhelming. Time and space limit my freedom here, however, so I will conclude with the following: This man inspires loyalty so deep within his family that information was easily bought off of one of the stragglers. He is a man who has a crew structure that is lacking, well, just about everything. The rules for his family are sparse, incoherent and few, and most of the reading material around his Headquarters are plagiarized (and poorly so) from families past, the latter being demonstrated by out of date pamphlets advising members of his crew to consult former Hit Squad Leaders, former Right Hands, and even in some cases, Crew Leaders long dead for generations. Recruting, TM? No idea what that means. But if you're recruiting, count me in. I will gladly join this one way trip to hell in a hand basket. **** If I Only Had a Brain... ...I'd Take Over The World Article by Reporter Black Lets get this straight, Tony-Papalia's death was an accident? Everyone seemed to believe it as the soft sorrows of ruthless Mafiosi filled the streets to mourn the death of Tony-Papalia. Walking through the streets that day you could hear other things besides Tony being a great man. "Who is Tony-Papalia?" Someone said under their breath as they tipped their hat over their eyes. That's a good question. Who is Tony-Papalia? He was TM-Scarface's left hand man and cousin. He wore the slanty suit that every other left hand person wears, but still he was thought to be apart of the late and stupid rodents family. After this "accident" happened TM-Scarface didn't even make a single public comment about it until the next day. He did however make a lot of comments in the privacy of his own headquarters. A voice from the back yelled out that he carelessly let the death of his left hand man slide and that he was letting the other crew leaders walk all over him. TM quickly spat back with: "I took care of fucking shit." Quickly another voice perked up and asked how he had taken care of it. It seemed TM could not find an answer to this question. His lips moved, but nothing came out as his family waited for their deaths also. Finally a few words were mumbled from the lips of Mr. Scarface. "Look I am not in the possition to have a Enemy right now." You could see it in their eyes, all his crew members knew they were going to die. "I donot have the fucking resourses to fucking wage war." TM added trying to comfort them, but failing. A tiny man in the back asked if they were going to war or just sit tight and let Don Alessia slaughter them also. "Im doing this for the best of my fucking family. After the war shits going to be at a fucking head." After Alessia successfully took out LargeHamster, the offspring of a few high ranked members from Mr. Hamsters family could be seen lurking in the back alley of Mr. Scarface's head quarters. TM gave them money, guns and other things to secure their loyalty to him. It looks like TM is growing an army. The attack is code named "Fucking Head" sources say. Watch your back, specially that new guy that just entered the family. Not all of TM's soldiers have joined with TM. They decided to try to be sneaky by having a few of them join up with different families. There is Buddy and you guessed it his father was BuddyNielson, gosh his parents were so original. If I had birthed Buddy I would have disown him the first time I saw him. Boy is ugly. Kill_the_nanny is looking towards killing more then just the nanny. NoriaViola, her mom was Twisted_Sister, married to AlfonsiTimello. It doesn't look good for Noria, like mother like daughter, stupid. The_Falcon has a way with words or, well, doesn't. He's been boo'd off more stages then you could imagine. You can see revenge in his eyes as he climbs the ranks within Alessia's family. That's just to name a few, the rest of the pack are ultimately the smartest and brightest fifty cents can buy you. **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Bloodline Name Name Re-user (Mr. Bloodline Name Name Re-userrrr!) Originality wasn't your strong suit when naming your children, but you don't seem to care. (I'll name him after meeeee!) Junior, Senior? Who cares, just as long as your next of kin is recognized on the spot by many. (Haven't we met beforeeeee?) Bob. Bob2. Your name was your claim to fame, and now it will be your son's too. (Bob, I'm so glad you're BAAAACK!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea Mister Recognizable. Your name will surely go down in history. Several times. (Mr. Bloodline Name Name Reuserrrrrrrr!) **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities Engagement Zulo and Ocelots-Griblit decide to tie the knot. Late last Thursday night after Zulo shot up a 7-11 and then asked the cashier to open the register, not registering that he was dead Zulo asked Ocelots' hand in marriage. The young couple have been dating on and off for three months. Divorce Mrs_Morte will be dropping the Mrs and picking up Miss next week from her lawyer after making the divorce between her and Morphious. Sources say Mrs_Morte was sick Morphious' drug pushing and him always asking her to take the red pill. Obits Britt died in the hospital earlier today after the strip club fight last night. One of the other girls got a little jealous of Britt's two very important melons and stabbed them. Britt we will miss your...eyes. Dakine, Gone but not still forgotten. After getting caught dueling with mortal enemies Darth_Vader was shot down. **** A Rogue By Any Other Name... One Man Brings Out the Ugly in Our World Article by Reporter OwMyHeadHurts His Boss, DaKine, was killed by a mutant hamster. Most of his family lay dead around his feet. Yet Corleone_Jr managed to stay strong and assess the chaos before him. Resistance against the warring family seemed futile. This man chose to take the path less traveled and harder to overcome. He showed us that family ties for the former New Orleans faction did, indeed, run deep. He also managed to show an ugly side to our world. And how did he go about this, you wonder? After an eternity of deliberation and no other way out this Boss for the New Orleans Pit Bulls went rogue. Rogue: no longer obedient, belonging, or accepted and hence not controllable or answerable; deviating, renegade. As you can see from the definition above it is an unsanctioned act in this world: one a majority look down upon as a role generally held for the scum of this Earth (no offense, Daera and Co.). This is an occurrence that has happened in the past many, many times. There is also a chance that it will happen again in the future. Yet there was a large uproar that many have never ever before bore witness to at this man's purchase of an unauthorized headquarters. Blame was thrown about in any form of public available: the Streets, the coffeeshops. Yet honestly, why all the hub-bub over one little man? After piecing together many sides of the story it was gathered that the actual incident went along the lines like this: after the initial attack upon the sleeping Corleone_Jr failed, LargeHamster and his family turned their attack upon other members of then New Orleans leader DaKine's crew. Corelone awoke sometime later, immediately flying to Detroit for safety. Many offers were wired and telephoned to the man; other families offering him, a Boss and a man that has already pledged his dying loyalty to his family, a space in their factions. A man who obviously realized that once he had received his Made Man promotion he was bound to the Pit Bulls, took the course of action his ancestors had once saw before, and became a rogue. Almost immediately an outpouring of negative thoughts streamed from the mouths of many. They ripped apart his intentions; they shred every thread of dignity the man had. Some were even heard making fun of his dialect. Yes, he was a bit presumptuous in claiming to be the first "Don of Detroit", but the antics were not the first ever viewed in our world. What many do not understand is why all the anger over one little man? No, we are not advocating the birth of rogues. They are a pain in the ass when they crop up I'm sure many will agree. But when many see a rogue their first thought is "Another one?". If you've seen one rogue, you've seen them all. They may have set up under different circumstances, they may have had different intentions, but in the end we know 99.9% of the time they'll be laying lifeless in the graveyard two blocks over. So what was it about Corleone that was different? That caused venom to spew forth from the mouths of Upper Structures and Leaders alike? Was it the fact that his Grand-father had to rogue much in the same way after a war? True, it was a little diva-ish to be the last claim to family fame within two generations of one another. Get a new gig, Corleone bloodline. You're not a savior. Was it that the world was looking for someone to blame? Then sure, blame Corleone for not taking a key to another family's HQ. While you're at it put the blame in other hands as well. Perhaps the hitter who could not finish the job in the first place. Perhaps LargeHamster, the man who started the war. This man's actions were a reflection of many different circumstances. In the end he died and the world was at peace once more. At least for now. If another rogue pops up we'll have to asses the situation and get back to you using the handy rogue rating scale below. For now, Corleone is being placed, though he should have been rated Code Green, at Code Red due to the reaction of the public. Code Green: We're as good as safe. This rogue isn't worth a pack of peanuts. Code Yellow: This rogue has hit a few lower ranked members of families, but can't seem to do much else damage. Minimal threat. Code Orange: This guy or gal is WACK!ing people left and right. Take cover, we're in for a long night. Code Red: HOLY FUCKING SHIT LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IS OVER EVERYONE RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE I HATE THIS ROGUE I HATE THIS LIFE THIS IS SO STUPID I HATE IT ALL I HATE THE WORLD I HATE IT. **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The third compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received an overwhelming response. Tea Time asked our readers, " If you could say one thing (positive or negative) to any of the current leaders, who would it be?" The results are in!: after twenty votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 35.0% of the overall votes, that most people had something to say to the late LargeHamster. (Second place with 20.0% of the votes was "Alessia". Click here for full results statistics.) While a majority of the people who voted had something to say to Mr. Hamster, a few things were said to each of the leaders (alive or dead, at this point). We felt everyone deserved to chance to have their comments heard, so we have organized the responses on the leaflets below: Comments for LargeHamster. (RIP) Comments for Alessia. Comments for TM-Scarface. Comments for Daera. Comments for DaKine. (RIP) Comments for Iris. So consider the above, Leaders. Your feedback is in! Our second question last week was a little more opinion directed. We asked our readers, "Detroit is an open city at the moment. Leaders have already stated no one will be placed as the city head just yet, but it doesn't hurt to think ahead! Who do YOU think should be put up for auth (the process of becoming a city leader) and why do you believe they are the best candidate?" The results are in!: after twenty votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 25% of the votes, that our own Editor Marietta seemed to be a good choice of a candidate for the brand-new civilian-directed city. (Second place with 15% of the votes was the late Rhuarc.) Individuals were not prompted to vote for any certain person. This was a fill in the blank activity, and it seems we received a variety of responses. Since we're fond of sharing all of our findings on these surveys, a full list of all entries on this question can be found here. (OOC: Click on the image to enlarge.) There you have it, current Leadership. A few names as ideas (and a few reasons why as well) for your consideration. Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "We here at Tea Time want to know- what do you REALLY think of us?" The results are in! A small group of people, only eleven, responded to our Open Forum question this week, but the majority was overwhelming! In the span of a week it was decided, with 100% of the votes, that people absofreakinglutely love us! Many, many reasons were cited as to why, so we have compiled the answers here: Why people LOVE Tea Time!. (OOC: Click on the image to enlarge.) Seems we'll be doing our best to stick around for awhile, readers! Thank you for your warm words and support! So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** I'm Stuck On Coffee Shops! Because Everyone Refuses to Let Them Go Rant by Reporter Sexy Coffee, coffee, coffee. Wherever I fucking go people are always talking about it; drinking it, bathing in it. Some people have even discussed acts of a sexual nature so grotesque involving coffee I want to gouge my freaking eyes out at the thought. Mostly, though, people seem to be hung up on the Coffee Shops lately. And they are doing so in a way that's almost sickening. Every little thing these days revolves around the Coffee Shops. What I want to know is, why? Sure, they have their merits. They're helpful in planning wars, getting a quick discussion in with an associate or two, or even just relaxing and chatting about current affairs in our world. Yet where do we draw the line, readers? When someone is told they cannot receive an in-family promotion or work without access to the Coffee Shops? We have lost the true purpose of this world. When a leader is curious to get to know a member of their family and asks them to contact them in the Coffee Shops? We have allowed curiosity and paranoia to damper our initial reactions about a person's character. That, or we're too lazy to send a simple piece of correspondence. When someone is told to sing a popular song in the largest Coffee Shop in order to gain their esteemed Made Man rank? We have gone way too fuckin' far. Some people cannot physically make it to the Coffee Shops. There are some who just don't plain know where they are and get lost trying to find them. And you know what? Believe it or not there are some people out there who just don't want to sit inside of one, day in and day out, clutching a cup to their chest and chattering when they could be out in the World, committing another crime or getting another debate started. Here's the funny thing, though. The people, the ones who choose not to join the family in a cup of brew, those are the ones that are considered to be sneaky, deceitful. Devious. They must be plotting something if they don't run down to the crew diner and grab a mug, right? Wrong. Yet by the standards that were in place with the previous regime, and that are still sadly being continued by the one today, this is considered to be the truth. Has anyone ever considered that perhaps it is this select group of people who have the purpose of this Thing of Ours closest to their hearts? That they are not allowing their goals of helping their family prosper and getting their business done to become muddled by dark roast or hazelnut lattes? I pose this question to you, readers: If you had a job that you knew needed to get done, would you rather pick the guy who was hard working? Or would you rather pick the guy who's sat in the corner double fisting the java and twitching due to excess energy? All I'm trying to say, really, is that I'd rather take the one who silently proves his or her worth to me, rather than the next loud, fast-talking Joe. As I stated before, maybe the ones who don't join the Coffee Shops are the ones who see this place for as it is: a world of opportunities. Their opinions are not skewed by the rumors fueled in the dark recess of these buildings. Or maybe they just don't like coffee. **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a, well, handful of public praise (OOC: You posted in our thread with nice things, yay). What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! The names were drawn, and the winners are: Sandman, TM-Scarface and Nutella! Congratulations to our third handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! NOTE: We are only looking for constructive answers. Please keep this in mind when answering. (OOC: In character answers only. Keep the Out of Character attitude and egos checked at the door, thanks.) Weigh-In Seven* Weigh-In Eight* Open Thought Forum Four* (*OOC Note: These links will take you to a different site. Open them in a separate tab or window if you wish to remain on the current page.) **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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"I arrived with all speed and we proceeded along with my ally LargeHamster to take him down." - Alessia, 7-25 When I heard that Don Alessia traveled at "all speed" I was absolutely stunned. Not so much that the majority of the world had never heard of it, but more because I thought that the secret of such a high velocity had been locked away in the catacombs of history forever. Also the Iris cracking SW was very nice, both of these gave me quite the laughing bit! |
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| Reply by: Airbourne_Assailant at Aug 11, '08 20:22 | |
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| Was nice reading this thank you :) | |
| Reply by: PDiddy at Aug 11, '08 20:31 | |
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| I love all the effort you gals have put into this, and i especially love the fact that you are all secretly in love with me. It feels me with warm feelings which i will have to remove to keep on the Dark Side. May the Force be with you always(until i claim you). | |
| Reply by: Darth_Vader at Aug 11, '08 20:35 | |
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| I look forward to the next issue, good job ladies. | |
| Reply by: Syriana at Aug 11, '08 20:47 | |
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| Awesome read. I love seeing each and every issue | |
| Reply by: Shagggyd at Aug 11, '08 20:53 | |
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She notices a copy of Tea Time left haphazardly on a park bench so sits down to give it a read. She shakes her head as she chuckles over the weekly gossip and folds it up. Placing her new treasure in her handbag she stands up to leave and thinks to herself.. Maybe I should leave this for someone else... She takes the tabloid from her handbag and places it upon the bench. Looking up she notices the Tea Time Tramp.. Girls looking at her with smiles. Great read girls! Keep up the good work!!! |
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| Reply by: Iris at Aug 11, '08 21:21 | |
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| It was good read! Even though I didn't read it. I like the name though! | |
| Reply by: RevanIzNinja at Aug 11, '08 21:48 | |
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| Revan, I love you. Only because you're a ninja, though. | |
| Reply by: Marietta at Aug 11, '08 21:50 | |
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go Ninja, go Ninja, go! Once again, thank you all for supporting our tabloid and our reporters. |
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| Reply by: Lily at Aug 11, '08 21:56 | |
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Another great read! Glad to see myself finally in it. Even if it is because my boss steals my food. For the record, stealing my food can get your hand taken clean off. With that being said, Czar you have been warned! |
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| Reply by: JMK at Aug 11, '08 21:57 | |
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Great job Ladies. Well written and put together, it's impressive work. Lights a smoke and sits back to give it another read |
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| Reply by: StonedSilent at Aug 11, '08 21:58 | |
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I'm only here because I want the opportunity to be given free money with the next issue. Oh, and to offer my services if any of you would like to be impregnated. |
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| Reply by: FlyingPig at Aug 11, '08 23:21 | |
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| Frankiee signs Lily up for the impregnating thing. | |
| Reply by: Frankiee at Aug 11, '08 23:24 | |
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FANTASTIC! claps loudly Keep up the good work!! |
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| Reply by: Primo at Aug 12, '08 01:20 | |
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I won 50k, should of seen how all 3 delivered it to me..... Awesome read ladies, you should all try running for Mayor |
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| Reply by: Sandman at Aug 12, '08 03:22 | |
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Entertaining as hell, ladies. Well done. I am really looking forward to the next issue. |
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| Reply by: Red_Rabbit at Aug 12, '08 03:45 | |
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| Another great and funny read - please keep it going ! | |
| Reply by: Alessia at Aug 12, '08 06:38 | |
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| LONG read but it was well worth it I really cant wait to see your future issuses. | |
| Reply by: EricCartman at Aug 12, '08 06:56 | |
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| Brilliant work again, the usual high standards. Very enjoyable. | |
| Reply by: Caligula at Aug 12, '08 07:17 | |
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