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| Tea Time!: Issue Six | Started by: Lily on Aug 26, '08 02:30 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Six: 666 You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. No, we are not Satanic worshipers. Thanks, though. We're flattered that so many of you have sent us pamphlets. This is the sixth issue of Tea Time. 'What is so special about that?' many of you may be asking. Well, it just so happens that we like the number six, and it's an exciting week for us here at the TT offices. For the hell of it we will be doubling the pay-out on the weekly contest winners. One of us may or may not be wearing panties. And we currently have a wager going with a rival paper, and either way, win or lose, we still got to prove that a little cash and a nice pair of legs can get you anything you want in this world. We issued the challenge, and it was accepted (albeit a tad bitterly). Only time will tell what the public decides. And if all else fails, free ice cream for all. Now get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Seriously, free ice cream, Delilah, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. **** Holy Fucking Shit We're Mean Seriously, We Hate Everything Rant by Reporter Kettle Wow. Just wow. I, for one, have always believed in this tabloid. The Editors are lovely ladies who pay in cash, and on the off chance they can't afford it they at least give me hastily scrawled 'coupons' to be redeemed for sexual favors. They print this paper for entertainment, because they believe that the people could use a laugh, and because they probably have way too much time on their hands. Either way, they have a passion that, as far as I have seen in weeks, is unrivaled. This is something they love to do and have yet to give up on it. Last week, however, I saw such a negative outpouring to our paper that I felt I should maybe just hang up my pen, my pad of paper and fake Groucho Marx plastic glasses. I'd flip off the Editors and find myself a respectable job. Maybe I'd work down at the button factory or something. Get a job working tables at the local diner. Then I sat down with the latest issue of the paper late last night and for the first time I made it my goal to read the entire thing, instead of just clipping out the articles I had written and sending them to my mother. In a drunken state I managed to get through the majority of the several pages and I noticed something. There were disclaimers everywhere. So many that you could make your own paper using just the fuckin' disclaimers. This, for me, reinforced my opinion and my faith in this paper. It also helped me to draw the major conclusion that I have been searching for since my first day of employment under these ladies: I wholeheartedly believe that Tea Time hates everyone. In the past six weeks I have seen the reporters call out almost every single type of Mobster there is out there. Crew Leaders, Right Hands, Left Hands. Hitmen, Entrepreneurs, Hobos. The Rich, The Poor, The Educated, The Slum of the Universe. The Perverts and the Saints. We have even called out the Editors themselves at times. And it makes me wonder... if we can make fun of everyone, including ourselves, are we really the ones at fault here? Or is it everyone else's lack of understanding and refusal to crack a smile that caused all the heated debate of last week? These women are straightforward and honest about their intentions. Were they looking to write a paper that was factual? No, not at all. Were they looking to pour funding into a paper that played nice and fair to the world? Hell no. They are paying for the paper themselves because for once they wished to see people to be realistic about human nature. There is no such thing as a current, unbiased publication. Even those that boast they are have some form of commentary that is slightly weighted towards one side of an issue or another. No one, at the moment, has the time nor has put in the effort to write something completely factual and vanilla. At least Lily, Delilah and Marietta are open about the fact that they are sexist, elitist, snobby bitches who dislike just about everything. My advice to those out there who seem to attack the paper: either read it or don't. If you don't, then you pretty much suck. If you do, feel free to laugh at others, but for the love of God learn to laugh at yourselves as well. Let this paper be a way to bond with the community in the Seven Cities, to release the stress and not take yourselves so seriously; not as a way to fuel feuds and petty arguments. And yes, we're going to keep going. This is a paper for the people by the people. In saying that, you, the people, are entitled to have your say in Tea Time as well. We urge anyone who has anything they wish to say or see in Tea Time to contact one of the Editors. We will print anything and everything, even if you decide to call Lily a pirate-banging wench. **** What Not For The Future? A Look at Not-So-Potential Auths Article by Reporter Black It's been the buzz in the streets of who will claim our open cities. Who is best for Detroit and all the new folks, who can survive out there in the desert of Las Vegas and who can beat it with the best of the best in Los Angeles. We can all throw out names of who we think will do a great job in these cities, but there are a few out there that can definitely never do a good job with their own city. Lets first start with the most obvious. MrStupid. It's right there in the name. He's stupid. The man walks around half naked begging for money for more booze even when he has a half empty bottle in his hand. He's really a winner. No, I lied, he's not. Next up on the chopping block we have Buddyy. His bloodline has done about just about every thing to get auth. From being Johnny Axe's doorstep to being Alessia's booty call at all hours of the night. Thankfully all his antics have been spat on and turned away. He'll tell you his bloodline has matured and that's not what he lives for anymore, but you know deep down it's all lies. He doesn't donate as much as he should ever, stashing his cash for that day, that miracle of a day that some poor soul may auth him. Buddyy you should check in with whoever authed TM-Scarface, seems they like to auth the specials. Sweet little ship jumper Anne Boleyn as always felt she deserved auth. Really, deserved? What have you done Anne besides the obvious, suck at life. The only thing going for Anne is that she's dishonorable. Ms. Boleyn was a part time left hand for the late and terrible TM-Scarface. Last time anyone checked if you were actually loyal to your family, being in the upper structure pretty much forced you to be loyal to your family, meant you would go down with the ship. Not Anne, she found that life savor as soon as she woke up and clung to it until a rescue team found her. On a positive note Anne has added a little something to the community after being silent for about forty years. Her speech in the street was worthless. If you haven't read it, don't waste your time. So if you walk down the street and someone is being payed little to nothing to hand out buttons for you to auth these people above just politely ignore them. You'll be doing yourself and everyone else a favor. **** Branston Missing Have You Seen My Pickle? Article by Reporter Pot Where oh where has my little pickle gone? Where oh where can he be? This is the question we've all been pondering... It seems as though New York's resident Left Handed pickle has been missing for quite some time now. We can only speculate as to what has happened to him. He was last seen leaving an adult book store, running as fast as his little pickled legs would take him. A witness said he was seen being pulled into an unmarked black Ford and driving off into the sunset. Our question is not how he left, but why? Was he in so much trouble with Daera that he had to go into the Witness Protection Program? Was it because his obsession with adult bookstores and its content was getting so out of control that he too had to go into a rehab program? Did he finally meet his soul mate? Did he finally meet the cheese to his pickle and cheese sandwich? Personally, I'm hoping for the latter. Then again, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic if you will. Contrary to what some of you are thinking, we Tea Time girls still get a little mushy over all that lovey dovey crap. I can't imagine Branston needing to be put into a Witness Protection Program. I mean he hasn't done anything outrageous to warrant such a hiding. Then again, you really never know what really goes on behind the office doors of Don Daera. Maybe Branston was growing tired of dressing as a woman and being forced to strip? I heard Daera was into that sort of stuff. That alone would make any honorable Mafioso head for the hills faster than Vienna putting on her fishnet stockings. I digress, back to the point on hand. Where the hell is Branston? I'm not sure that our seven cities could take another leadership type figure entering a rehab program. I mean we've already seen what Don Alessia has been through, in her quite public rehab stint. I would hate to see Branston going through the same thing. Though Branston isn't quite the alcoholic, you should really see his stash of nudie magazines and sex toys he just leaves lying around the family bar and his own office. We can only imagine how hard it would be to tear him away from the pages of those magazines, literally. Until we find him, we can only hope that he has not been cut into slices, and placed on a nice sandwich. **** HEIDI, YOU BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Q: Heidi, So I guess the world needs a few auths. After stalking you for a few weeks, I think you would be a perfect candidate based on your 'ass-ets'. What city would you take if you could have it, and why? Love, Creepily Curious A: Oh please. You can't really be much of a stalker when I noticed you, dear. Yeah, what, you thought I dropped that much stuff all the time? Anyway, which city would I want? I dunno, maybe Las Vegas. Something about that aesthetic-- shiny and flashy, and filled with bright colors. I really appeals to my feminine sensibilities. I also like the duality it has, being bright and beautiful on the outside and cold and soulless on the inside. This, too, appeals to me as a woman. ~ Q: Miss Hoels- I watched a few people die today at the hands of a 'rogue'. I was wondering, could you explain what makes a person feel they need to be 'rogue'? Thanks, Really Out of the Loop A: Usually, if a person feels they have been wronged in some horrible way, they'll completely bitch out, leave their family, crack off a few mediocre shots at people who may or may not have had a damn thing to do with anything, then die in the gutter bleeding out all over discarded contraceptives. Alternately, rogues can come about as some sort of noble gesture on the part of a high ranking member (or a Goomba, if you're Sprozza) of a fallen family to carry on the fight and/or house the homeless and cry for peace. Either way, they'll also most likely find themselves living in the gutter. That, or they live forever and auth the most handsome, brilliant, and downright sexy man on the face of this planet. But then sometimes they're just a descendant of Clipper, and are looking for a quick and easy way to break their pattern of nothingness, and move up to "who the fuck was that?" status. ~ Q: Hey Heidi: Last issue really sucked. Were your Editors drunk? Yours Truly, You Guys Really Suck A: Well, yeah. But as long as you keep reading it (which I assume you are, otherwise you'll always wonder what the answer to your question was and it'll drive you mad), we really don't have to do any better. It works a lot like your boyfriend, you see. Blue skies and apple pies, Heidi **** She's a W.H.O.R.E. Woman Helping Others Relax with Erotica Article by Reporter Black There are three things you can always depend on when you are in the life of crime. Those three things are Power, Money and Girls. Gain some respect, get some friends and you are on your way to power. Tip over that 7-11 time and time again, you'll be rolling in the dough in no time. Girls, easy, just pick them up off the street. Don't know where to look? Keep reading. It wasn't hard to find this one, she came for us quickly. She gave us a fake name, Skittlez, but she did tell us pleasure is her game. One of her satisfied customers is TM_Scarface. His father found her first; yes that crew leader that didn't do anything except take a few verbal beatings. Now why would TM's father be with this Skittlez girl, didn't he have a girlfriend? MrsTM was saving herself for marriage, so she wasn't giving up the goods any time soon. Rumor has it that MrsTM4ever would give her boyfriend a lot of money for his wonderful crew, but then he would turn around and give it to his other woman for some back room lovin'. Skittlz isn't a cheap w.h.o.r.e. so don't forget your wallet at home. Next up is Anne_Boleyn. Use a rubber when you rub her. She's been around the block a few bazillion times and may have a few unnatural bumps down under. Just close your eyes while you throw your pencil down the wide hallway and everything should be swell. The list of happy (and unhappy) customers of Anne's could go on and on for days. There is Buddyy, who can't spell his name right half the time has been a loyal customer to Ms. Boleyn for months. Every "outing" with this girl and Buddyy comes home with a few fresh crabs and a nice wax job. Maximus-Decimus is another, when he's not nailing things he likes to hide in the bushes because he thinks the whole world is after him. Anne must be a good liar, telling him he is a big man when he really isn't because he continues to show up on her doorstep with flowers and some massage oil. Sake sake all night long. When Anne visits Syriana he makes her dress up in Kimonos (even though she can't quite fit and her body plunges out of the costume... and not in good ways). The late and quickly forgotten The_Falcon died from Anne's sex. Not because it was great, because she was just too much woman (or man, it hasn't been official which gender she is) for The_Falcon. Switching positions, she was on top of him in the game they played. She killed him and took the gold medal. Death from sex is one hell of a way to go out. To ride the Anne-go-round it'll cost you a simple 100k. **** Pulling The Chance Card Want to Play Monopoly? Article by Reporter Pot Time and time again, I've heard people talking about handing out second, third, fourth chances and plenty more after that. When is enough really enough? When does one stop listening to that Mafioso say "I'm not like my father, I have learned from the mistakes he's made"? Earlier today we did witness the short rise and fall of Zulo. His family line hasn't been full of honorable men. There have been a plethora of rogues and beggars within his ancestors. It just baffles me how people say they can change, and do well for themselves for a good while. Until one day, something in their brain snaps, and they revert right back old to their inherited ways. Maybe they were in a trance, and have suddenly awoke from it? Maybe it was all a fairy tale story to these people, without the happy ending obviously. Some time ago we witnessed another of these events. Where one Valentino made his way up to Boss. He was active in bars and businesses, and seemed to be proving everyone wrong. People thought, "no way would I ever reference this man for his button". Alas, people did and he was doing well until one day he got bored and played a fatal game of Russian roulette. I hardly think the excuses of "I'm bored" or "I'll be away on business for a lengthy time" should suffice doing something so dishonorable as roguing. Why would one even decide to leave the family that sheltered them and provided a safe haven for them, only to commend them on their gratitude and say how wonderful they were. To me that's the ultimate slap in the face. "Hey, boss. You're one of the best leaders my family line has worked under. However, Eff you! I'm buying out and setting up...but I'm not going to shoot you". When does ones chances run out, or do they really ever? Should certain lines be given extra chances in hopes that one day one of their descendants might actually make an honorable name for themselves after so many dishonorable ones? **** Boss and Wise Guy Murdered ...Heartfelt Outpouring for Wise Guy Article by Hagatha Nodick There have been a plethora of murders over the last week. Two deaths that might have gone under the radar as they were not associated with any of the wars were Boss and upper structure Lothario Scorch and Wise Guy Frankiee (our very own employee), both of The New Scum. Frankiee had been seen recently disagreeing in public with now deceased Consigliere and leader TM-Scarface. The disagreement sparked a wave of threats and harassment from Scorch towards Frankiee which eventually spilled out into public view. The world turned to Daera to resolve this situation. Daera wasn't reached for comment on this article as I was way too lazy to ask for a quote, BUT, resolve the situation he did. On the night of August 22nd, Scorch was walking home from his "friend" Tad's house when an angry masked man leapt from the shadows, baseball bat in hand, and beat Scorch repeatedly in the face with the blunt weapon. One passerby commented, "He wasn't much to look at before ya' know? Kinda light in the loafers and demanding, but when I saw the bits of brain matter and skull I lost my lunch." The brutal slaying shocked the community at-large, but then when they heard about who the body had been identified as many felt the assassination to not only be justified, but pretty funny. Meanwhile, in the other part of town, Frankiee was talking to her boss, Daera, and trying to seek a peaceful resolution to the problem with Scorch and TM-Scarface. Neither could seem to find a way for the bridge to be crossed. Then Frankiee accidentally farted. Outraged by the negation of his former belief that women don't fart, Daera took aim and fired once into Frankiee's chest, fatally wounding her. Her last words were heard to be, "lol at Scorch". **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings -McKidds-, part of the Mocha Syndicate, pressing his gun to a well-known banker's head and demanding the money from his mother's account during normal business hours. Breaking and entering into a lollipop factory, Gino was led away by local New Orleans Officers. Was heard screaming "It's for the kids! I swear!" Well known for her home cooking, Mrs_Morte, harrassing people in the coffee shops to play a game of 'scrabble' with her. Has flashed several people her granny panties in protest of their rejection. Monk, after choking on a piece of steak at a well known restaurant, lecturing the waitstaff for allowing him to almost die. Was heard screaming "I bet if it was your wife you would've saved her! Next time pretend I'm your wife! No, no kissing you smart ass!" After losing a game of poker, Giovanni_Moretti of the New Scum breaking the windows to a fellow player's car windows. Regular everyday guy, EricCartman, seen hanging up fliers to start a dog walking business. On the run from the cops a man known as Shagggyd, dressing up as a coal miner and slipping away unnoticed and covered in dirt. Asteosa, current Upper Structure Staff to Don Alessia, licking windows in a cell of the county jail during her stay in the slammer. **** Obits The Suck Edition Article by Reporter Black Zulo, one question. What the hell is wrong with you?!?! Even the famous Revan bloodline can rank to boss and not go rogue or act like an asshat for one generation. Way to prove everyone right. Next time you get bored just play with yourself. The satisfaction is much greater. Blade, a wise guy, more like a wise ass decided to get a little snippy to one of the higher ups. What happened to respect people?! Just because information was a little clogged up doesn't mean you should get ultra defensive. We chalked your blood line up as fools when you were trying to take the spotlight in Skulls crew, but The Scums motto is to even give trash a second chance. So we did and look you disappointed us again. Way to suck at life. James Fletcher please for the love of the Virgin Mary the world is not against you, we don't plot against you, we don't think about you, 99% of the time we forget you are even around. You suck at being loyal to your family. James Fletcher was the hit squad leader of his family, an honorable role for some, not him. He really killed it; especially after waking to find his "beloved" crew leader dead he jumped ships. James Fletcher you will go down in I Suck at Life history. Good Job. Burn, Baby Burn. That's all Scorch will be doing where he is going. Maybe he'll feel at home. Your bloodline never learns, when the new generation is born its mouth should just be stapled shut. This way you won't get the chance to suck everyone's dick and you won't sound like such a moron. Honestly learn how to not be such a little bitch, learn how to not plot on your family, plot on your family members or plot with your family's enemy. We'll bury you with an "I suck and I'm damn good at it" button. **** The Beginning of the End Why I Desperately Want to Kill Myself Article by Reporter Heidi Hoels This week, I got off a plane--or, rather, I stayed having had gotten off of a plane--in Chicago. Supposedly, since I seemed to have such a knack for running into Bosses, Marietta wanted me to try Alessia. So I set out from my apartment with a mission and a game plan. The mission: Encounter Alessia and record ensuing wacky mishap. The game plan: Wander around town aimlessly until said encounter occurs. Truly an infallible plan if there ever were such a thing. So I headed to the bustling streets. No Alessia. I hit the bistros. No Alessia. I hit the dive bars. No Alessia, still. The laundromat, the theater, the men's room at the bus station. No Alessia. Finally, I found myself sitting a bit cross on the curb, when a hand rested itself gently on my right shoulder. "Funny seeing you here." Said its owner. I looked at the fingers and followed them to the hand, then the hand to the arm, and the arm all the way to the person it was attached to. It wasn't Alessia. "What do you mean by that?" I asked sharply, "I live here." "Still?" They shot back, genuinely inquiring. "What do you mean by that?" "Oh, nothing, I suppose. Just figured you;d be in Detroit is all." "I've been there, it doesn't agree with me." "Ah. Well it certainly agrees with your friends." "What do you mean by that?" I said, actually starting to care. "Marietta. She took over the city today." "What do you mean by that?" At this point I was interested enough to notice that the person to whom I was talking was at least vaguely male. "Ex... exactly what I said, really." Said the still pretty nondescript guy. "Oh. Well then. Fuck off." I said, just to throw in some spice. "And where the fuck's Alessia?" "Who? Ohohoh! You mean... ah, shit if I know. She still around here?" I left the unidentified man (I think he was wearing a hat, but don't hold me to it) and set out for the airport and a direct flight to Detroit. Ugh. A person of my beauty could easily persuade several rocket scientists to figure things out for them, but I didn't need to. It was clear as day--that bitch had sent me on a fool's errand to distract me. But why? Surely this would be a happy occasion to be shared with friends, wouldn't... oh. I trudged my way through the beer-soaked, back bacon littered streets of downtown Detroit and finally came upon the sickening spectacle. There was Marietta, flashing her million dollar (some say two million, which leads one to wonder what sort of horrors lurked around her gums before the dentists got in there) smile, surrounded by the usual cavalcade of mediocrity. She called these people "Family" now. "Oh. Heidi. Hey there!" She said, full of energy and life as she saw me. Smug little... "Hey, girl! Look at you!" I squealed, reaching for her with a warm embrace. "I didn't think you'd make it." And she smiled. Uh-huh. "Oh, well you know me. Never missed a party in my life, right?" We both forced out chuckles not entirely unlike the sounds a hyperventilating jackass would make. Well, ONE of us did, anyway. I pushed out a meek little "tee-hee-hee". After several more minutes of this "playful" and certainly painful banter, I found myself with a new job, along with a new home. I've still yet to find what Marietta was trying to hide from me, or why, but I'm on to her. Hear that? Rest assured that there is no stop in Heidi Hoels. I've got you right where I want you, Boss/...boss. Oh wait... hmm. And I live in Detroit now, too. Fuck. **** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Bye Frankiee. Hey There, Delilah Article by Reporter Kettle With a saddened heart, a tear stained face and a half empty box of doughnuts I regret to report that one of the Editors of Tea Time, Frankiee, has passed away. Many a rumor has surrounded her death, including (but not limited to) alien abduction, farting, assassination and gaining the most popularity, being murdered by the other Tea Time Editors. Whatever the rhyme or reason, Frankiee poured a lot of heart, soul and effort into this little rag-tag gang of reporters wanting to be big time gossip journalists. For her many a sleepless night and scolding we wanted to send her a proper goodbye. Bye. Thankfully the Editors wasted no time in kidnapping Frankiee's daughter, Delilah, who after many hours of beatings and starvation has finally consented to help with the paper. Hey there, Delilah! What's it like in New York... never mind. Welcome to our family. Don't be a fuck up. We already have enough of those on staff. Cough, Marietta, cough. **** New Orleans Excitement, Culture and the Quiet... Well, that's such a great name for the city of New Orleans. Lets just hope the name doesn't rub off onto StonedSilent and he turns just as mute as the woman he came from. Oh wait, Stoned is already on the right track of muteness, he hasn't had a street speech in awhile. Maybe the step up from Right Hand to Boss of his own city will kick him into gear. New Orleans, oh New Orleans I hope you don't suffer as much as you did from the last crew leader that ruled your lands. I hope Stoned gives you a good time, but I doubt that will happen. Before Stoned was given auth he was Alessia's Right Hand. He encouraged people to break Omerta, couldn't control his family members from shooting at other sponsored folk and his biggest claim to anything was The Casino of the Guardians, which he was only a partner of. Stoned has told people that they can't be themselves. When the people retaliate, saying they didn't come to this country of freedom to have it stripped from them, Stoned ran off to the other crew leaders in tears yelling "your members are being mean to me!" Mr. Silent your back bone called, it's ready to be picked up. Perfect timing, pick it up on your way to the airport after you are done with your street speech. Anyway good luck to you and your new city StonedSilent. **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Really Annoying Street Talker (Mr. Really Annoying Street Talk-ah!) You show up only to dole out one or two words at a time, mostly to remind people you are still around. (I'm really just an ass kisser!) Street speech? Debate? There isn't anything you haven't commented on. (I just want to say "hiiiiii"!) You seem to be the strong and silent type, yet continuously grace us with your presence. (I AGREEEEEEEEE!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea Mister One-Liner. As long as you're around, the rest of us look better by comparison. (Mr. Really Annoying Street Talkerrrrrrrr!) **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities Engagements Last week -Leo- was seen shopping at the adult toy shop in Detroit. He walked out of the store with a large bag and accidentally dropped the receipt which was sent to our Tea Time office. Massage oil, or as some may call it personal lubrication, was on the list along with a few smutty magazines and a penis enlarger. A friend tells us that -Leo- picked up this "machine" because he was sick of his new fianc asking him if it was in yet. The roast beef, in the oven, of course. -Leo- has hopes that his new "toy" will seal the deal with his girlfriend of five years. Divorces Well they weren't officially together, but talk about tragic break-up. After MrsTM4ever found out the news that TM was sleeping with a w.h.o.r.e. she started to wear a MissFreedom badge around the coffee shops. She later added another badge saying TMsbestfriend. Either things are quickly patching up between the two or she's out for sweet sweet revenge. StonedSilent was kicked out of the house he shares with his darling wife Anne_Marie late Friday night after a large squabble between the young couple. Swiftly after Stoned was out of the door Anne started to throw all his belongings onto the lawn out of the second story window. Anne later told a friend she kicked Stoned about because he was always too stoned and too silent. She won't be taking him back until he cleans up a bit. Another one off to rehab from La Famiglia dei Guardiani. Is it really a surprise? Births The bastard child of Buddy and Isabella_Ditto was born early Thursday morning. It was a shocker that Ms Ditto had kept the baby as it was not her choice to have sexual relations with Buddy. He had drugged her and used her almost lifeless body as a pleasure tool. Good luck to you Ms Ditto, I hope the baby has your intelligence. Congratulations SoundWarnings on your new baby girl. She has your eyes, your smile and your wit. No one knows where the baby came from, SW might have a wife stashed away in the basement or he might have stolen the child from some beggar off the street. Either way he's been showing off the new born at any social event he attends. **** We're All Cooler Than You Giving Props to Cool Names that Start with 'A' Random by Reporter Kettle Yes, I'm grasping at straws. Fuck you. It's been a busy day and I'm trying to make my quota for articles. I can't afford to lose this job, assholes. Here's a new little segment that I'm going to try out that the Three Editors don't know about. So I was brainstorming, right? I came up with this idea. It's called "Kettle needs a subject and the alphabet is the only thing she has stuck in her head right now". Now the funny thing about the alphabet is that it starts with the letter "A". Well what can you with an "A", right? I started to think, maybe we'll begin to honor five mobsters each week that have a name corresponding with said letter? Then I thought that sounded pretty dumb, so I went back to brainstorming. Then I got a phone call from Lily telling me to hurry the hell up. Suddenly, the ABCs didn't sound so stupid. That's right, folks. Here we have it: The Top Five Coolest Mobster Names Beginning With "A" * Adam_Wall: Is he a man? Is he a wall? Either way, I think that the first name perfectly compliments the last name. Kudos to your parents, Adam. * Alfredo_Mussolini: The first name clearly screams, well, it clearly screams "PASTA!". Besides that, though, the name seems to roll off the tongue. Alfreeeeeddddoo. * Anne_Marie: I think this is the name of a character from a book I read once. I liked the book, therefore I like the name. Good job, Anne. * Asteosa: Fucking BOMB this one is! Where did your parents come up with that one? It's got a strong flavor of mystery with a dash of sexy and a hint of intrigue. Yum. * Augustus: A name that states "Yes, I will one day rule your country. And you'll like it, God damn it." Kudos, Augustus. Well, five names. Stay tuned for the next issue. ...There's 26 letters in the alphabet, people. We're in for the long haul. **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The third compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received an overwhelming response. Tea Time asked our readers, "Do you think we are doing enough as a community to help new blood get started on their mobster careers?" The results are in!: after 19 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 78.9% of the overall votes, that yes, we are doing enough to help the newer blood in this world. Many people were quite outspoken on the subject, a few stating: "We give them 48 hours of immunity, a helpful Bible of advice, Leaders and admins dropping everything else to help them, everything short of a hooker and a beer. If you can't figure out at least the basics at that point, the short bus out of this world is waiting for you.", and "I think a good chunk of the population have some sort of help link in their profile along with the mafia bible and other help threads here and there. If a new player connects to irc avenue there is usually one or two people ready to lend a helping hand." (For full documentation of all comments, please check this leaflet. So consider the above, it seems our efforts to hook in new mobsters is working, because the readers feel we are doing enough for the new bloodlines. Our second question last week was a little more direct. We asked our readers, "Here's an interesting one for you: Who do you think will get Godfather(mother) first?" The results are in!: after 20 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 55% of the votes, that Iris was the reader's choice for first Don to reach Godmother. There were many reasons citing why Iris would reach it first, the most eloquent and polite of the bunch simply being "She actually represents what a god(mother) should be". A large group of people felt that neither would end up being alive long enough, and one individual even expressed the wish that " I'd like to see them both get it on the same day, though." The public has spoken. Iris, get your wand and wings out, because our readers think you will be the first to become Godmother! Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "Not feeling motivated? Then tell us, Mobsters Fair: what WOULD motivate you to start or open a business in one of the seven cities?" The results are in! A small group of people, twelve to be exact, responded to our Open Forum question this week. Their responses for motivation can be found in this leaflet. So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** Detroit The City of....Violence? Article by Reporter Black That's not all it's good for, Detroit brings us a lot of other good things like...flowers and other nice things. Well maybe the new Boss in Detroit, Marietta, will turn the city into something. It'll be a hard task with the city being vacant of a boss for so long, but I'm sure Marietta will have no problem with it. She may look innocent, but her tongue and gun will kill you. Now we all jump back to Oliver McTavish, Marietta's last bloodline that led a city. Who cares if she has had other ancestors grace us with their presence in our world right? You really only matter if you were a crew leader. Anyway, you'll hear rumors that the age of Oliver McTavish was hard. That the man that was into men was a little wild, especially with the men closest to her. I know my great great grandmother didn't like Mr. McTavish. She thought he was a pig. Hitting on women, but then taking men home? I can already tell that Marietta is a different person. How can I see this so soon? Well I like Marietta, she's a swell little lady. Really I see bright things coming from her. Except I don't know what she is doing with a Right Hand goomba. Lets hope that goomba kicks ass or something. Good luck to you and your new city Marietta. **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a large helping of public praise. What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! The names were drawn, and the winners are: DrFeelgood, OhCrap and ArcaneFyre! Congratulations to our third handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 100K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! Weigh-In Eleven Weigh-In Twelve Open Thought Forum Six **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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| Damn new arrivals taking everything. Where's my free hooker/beer combo? | |
| Reply by: Ben-Derhover at Aug 26, '08 02:49 | |
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She slips a little something special into the ladies' pockets and smiles. Fantastic read! I am loving you more and more every week. I may even give you my first born! Keep up the great work! |
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| Reply by: Iris at Aug 26, '08 02:51 | |
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| Marry me? Honestly...I love you ladies so much! Great read keep up the good work! | |
| Reply by: DrFeelgood at Aug 26, '08 02:54 | |
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| As always ladies a delightful break to sit and read your paper - and yes, I have a cup of tea (nonalcoholic as you've made me see the error of my ways) while reading. Thank you once again for a good laugh | |
| Reply by: Alessia at Aug 26, '08 02:55 | |
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SCONES! Twitches and passes one to Alessia. Ahem. Moving on. Good Doctor, I will not marry you. I have heard, however, that Delilah likes men who can keep her medicated, so we'll hold out hope for that lovely reunion. |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Aug 26, '08 02:56 | |
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| -Liam grabs up a copy of the new Tea Time and mumbles incoherently at himself. "Pretty good", he thought. Liam was once a Bloody Tissue subscriber, but he had found the paper had stop being delivered on his doorstep. At first he blamed the paperboy, but then he had seen the publication had gone out of business for several weeks at a time, and he needed regularity, he couldn't be bothered reading about CP one more time, an issue long dead for 3 months.- | |
| Reply by: Liam_The_Mute at Aug 26, '08 03:19 | |
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lights up a cigar Incase it wasnt cleared up in there i still am curently walking dogs for Cash. Glad you havent found out about the chicken fights yet. |
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| Reply by: EricCartman at Aug 26, '08 03:32 | |
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Very good read Ladies!! Can't wait the next one. |
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| Reply by: Anne_Marie at Aug 26, '08 04:46 | |
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Enjoyed the reading. Am looking forward to the next one. |
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| Reply by: PDiddy at Aug 26, '08 07:00 | |
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Enjoyed the reading. Am looking forward to the next one. |
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| Reply by: PDiddy at Aug 26, '08 07:00 | |
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Extremely well done. I was in such a hurry to get this issue I left the house before getting dressed. It wasn't to big of a problem until my towel fell off. |
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| Reply by: Willie_Phatballz at Aug 26, '08 08:06 | |
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Yet another fantastic read. Keep up the good work. |
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| Reply by: Strabo at Aug 26, '08 08:56 | |
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sitting on a bench reading while covered in soot Once again mind blowing I look forward to every issue |
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| Reply by: Shagggyd at Aug 26, '08 10:40 | |
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| awesome as ever! | |
| Reply by: JackSparrow at Aug 26, '08 10:45 | |
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Sits and thinks to himself "Hmm I wonder which one isnt wearing panties" Maybe if I finish this crossword puzzle it will reveal a clue! Takes a sip from his flask and starts to complete the puzzle ? |
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| Reply by: Czar at Aug 26, '08 11:09 | |
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| Scrabble anyone? | |
| Reply by: Mrs_Morte at Aug 26, '08 17:32 | |
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| I must commend you ladies for another brilliant, creative, and humorous masterpiece. Thank you for your hard work. This is reminiscent of some of the classic works in days of old, such as WMOB radio, 47 presents, and Idiot's Theater. It isn't very often these days that someone creates work that rivals that which was done in the old days. | |
| Reply by: FlyingPig at Aug 26, '08 17:54 | |
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| Lily- you are a pirate banging wench!! | |
| Reply by: Da-Wop at Aug 26, '08 18:02 | |
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...In print, Da-Wop. In print. Lily may have to choke you, now. |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Aug 26, '08 18:18 | |
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