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| Tea Time!: Issue Seven | Started by: Marietta on Sep 02, '08 21:24 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Seven: Don't Hate the Playa Hate the Game You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. Welcome to our random Tuesday Edition of Tea Time! We're trying to make that sound fancier than it actually is. Really, we can't cover much since there is an article on it. What we can say is that there was drinking and sex. Lots of sex. We were unable to locate our Editors until just this morning, partially hidden in the bushes outside the local Church. Finally getting the drunken "OK", we've moved on to print. Back to the facts. So why hate the game instead of the 'playa', or 'player' for the non-gangster of us? Because, even after more than twenty disclaimers in our time at large, people still want to complain and moan. Seriously guys, don't be hatin'. We've given you all plenty of opportunities to write your own articles for us, about us. The stage is always open for rival papers, we're always open for complaints in mail... and yet we get nothing except back alley and coffeshop crying. So here I would like to issue a new challenge: to all those that disagree with this latest edition of Tea Time, I urge you all to write an article about us! If we receive more than ten articles, our next paper will be Tea Time: The We Hate Tea Time edition. Sound fair? If you all honestly don't take us up on this one, then we're at a loss for what to do, and you best return to sucking on your lemons and eating sour grapes. Thanks! Now get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Take us up on our offers, damn-it, Delilah, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. Second Disclaimer: If you are alive, hell, even if you are dead, you MAY be the subject of one or many of our articles. If you don't like it please forward all hate mail to Tea Time, c/o Heidi Hoels. Thanks! **** What Happens in Vegas... Can I Say Twat in Tea Time? Article by Reporter Black So the old saying is 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'. Well it's false. It's like giving someone nude pictures of yourself and expecting them not to share them with their buddies. It all comes down to dealing with the consequences to your actions and not being a little twat about it. That's why the lovely editors of Tea Time really love Vegas. They don't care about the consequences of their actions. Not saying they don't give a shit about anything, just that they are going to do what they want to do and do it well. So it's been six crazy weeks at the Tea Time office and Lily's birthday was just around the corner. It was a unanimous great idea from all three of them, Lily, Marietta and Delilah, time for some celebration in Vegas. The girls took an extended wild vacation to the City of Sin. Some highlights of the weekend were Marietta getting on top of three bars and taking her clothes off, Delilah in a private audition in the bathroom with one of the strip club owners and Lily throwing up after being popped the big question. Finally they pulled into Detroit again late last night, too exhausted and a little too hung over to even think about picking up a piece of paper and writing an article. So Tea Time is a little late this week. I'm sure you can all deal with this. **** Branston Found Wearing a New Suit Article by Reporter Pot Yes it's true, Branston has been found. I know you all were terribly worried after my last article of him being lost. Never fear though the pickle has been located. Rumor has it that he was away training his army of pickle lovers. As soon as Branston came back into town he was given captaincy in New York to Don Daera's New Scum. There was a bit of confusion though, as Branston wasn't turned into a captain right away. News that a rogue had hit the streets of New York was spreading fast. Now common sense might tell you that someone who was Left Hand to their former family would never buy out and go rogue, right? Well, we've seen worse happenings and acts of betrayal lately, so we really can't put that one past us anymore. Pretty sad if you ask me. Another argument was "no way would Branston go rogue, that's not like him at all. He wouldn't do anything intentional like that". It wasn't intentional for his late family members who have died trying to kill sleeping bums either. Anything can happen in these times, thankfully it was only a rumor and Branston is here to stay, as Captain. Why the long absence though? Was the preparation really that intense? From what witnesses have said who've caught glimpses of Branston and his men, there was some intense training involving whips and pickle juice. That's just crazy, but hey...whatever works, right? Some people are into that sort of stuff; if you're one of them, The Pickle Posse is where you want to be. Joining team Branston is Right Hand -Lucky_Lombardi, a native Italian with a penchant for powerful women. At the Left Hand position is the Mighty Camazotz, who stated there were two reasons he turned to the streets as so many of his ancestors did. One was to be a Left Hand, the other was "Never you fucking mind". We will just focus on the first goal of his. Congratulations Camazotz, you finally reached your goal. To The Pickle Posse, we here at Tea Time wish you all things prosperous in this life. Fast cars, fast women, and fast money. Or something like that. **** Big Pimpin', We Spending Gs Kangaroo Pimpin' on B L A D's? Article by Reporter Kettle Well I have no idea what BLADs are, but they sure sound serious. Almost like an STD, I'd say, and if the rumors are true it may not be that far off the mark. Lately it seems as if Kangaroo, noteworthy Captain for the Java Cartel and leader of the Mocha Syndicate, has been spending a little less time outdoors in his homeland of 'the wild' and a little more time inside his own HQ with what some eye-witnesses describe as a 'harem' of women. Once fond of roaming around outside and picking at grass, occasionally eating it, the man has become 'extremely private' and 'withdrawn', according to a few family members. So what exactly is going on in the 'land down under'? One evening we were contacted out of the blue by a young woman who wished to share her story. Our insider reports that after a long, grueling day in the office and on the streets, Kangaroo takes his crew and his pouch down to the local Philly strip-club, Giorgio's, where Don Iris herself was exposed to work at one time. After "spending gs", and a lot of them we may add, Kangaroo ropes as many as five women any given night into coming home with him. Whether the atmosphere of lace, whips and chains is what does him in, or whether he just consumes that much alcohol during the evening, "He drinks like a fish!" our woman says, as late as two in the morning the mobster has stumbled in amidst giggles of many women, fedora askew and bright pink boas adorning his shoulders. What goes on behind the closed Mocha Syndicate doors has remained private to the marsupial and his women- until now. "Two of them feed him grapes straight from a branch, while the rest of the gals... well, ya know, service him," states the woman who only wants to be known by her stage name 'Lucinda'. "It got really fuckin' weird once. He made one or two of them climb on his back while he hopped around the room naked. I... I don't think I can do that shit again." Captain Kangaroo? Hardly. We're finding Kinky Kangaroo may be a more appropriate title given this new information. Whatever the rhyme or reason, he's a young guy who is allowed to do as he wishes. After all, he may kill you if you disagree! Just kidding. A word to the wise, though: strippers- watch out for this animal! **** HEIDI, YOU BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Q: Heidi, Why is no one Godfather yet? What is going on? - Annoyingly Impatient A: Hmm. At least you're honest. Know what else you are? Out of your goddamn mind. What's going on is that nobody's fucking earned it. I cringe at the thought of which of the Dons you're actually considering as worthy of being named Capo dei Capi. I can only assume that you have a forehead like Everest. So something happens twice in the history of forever, and now it's supposed to be a weekly event? Come on now. Godfather appointment isn't a toy, like auth. ~ Q: Miss Hoels, What if I don't like one, or both really, of the latest two auths? How do I avoid seeing them in the Streets or around the cities? Love, I Hate Marietta and Stoned A: "I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know no way of judging of the future but by the past." Patrick Henry said that about... something. Whatever. At any rate, the point is this: Don't worry about it. It doesn't look like it's going to be much of an issue. Though, I suppose they could prove me wrong (not fucking likely), so I guess I'll offer a backup plan. Alright, if suddenly, for some unforeseen and mystical reason, the streets are flooded with Family heads actually doing stuff, you have a few courses of action to spare your sanity. One-- Wear a blindfold. This option gives you the most freedom, and an excuse to -ahem- "bump into" that cute guy down the block. But, unfortunately, you'd still be able to hear them fine. Two-- Paint your windows black, unplug the phone and stay home. This method will probably prove most effective. Three-- Wait a few days for the Rapture. Maybe Jesus will save you. Worth a shot, anyway. ~ Q: Dear Boss, I will be going on vacation soon. Please do not kill me for inactivity while I'm away. Love and kisses, Heidi A(kinda): Well, yeah, this is pretty self-explanatory, I think. And before you go berating me for disrupting the paper, just think about how fucking hard it is to get in touch with you these days. Seriously, I had to tie a note to a snickerdoodle to get your attention last week. And no, I still don't know what the fucking things are. Lovely things and other lovely things, Heidi **** What Type of Coffeeshop Dweller Are You? A Guide to Your Personality Article by Reporter Black I demand a moment of your time as I approach a topic that I've been considering for about three minutes, but I can tell it's already amazing. The topic that I will be force feeding you is the different types of people and the use of words in our business. Also, their state of mind as they drink their coffees and spread their rumors. Now it's crazy, people's personalities change drastically as they step from these streets into their favorite brewing place. The Peach Tree Licker Mocha First I'd like to start off with those overly social fools. They seem to interrupt EVERY conversation with annoying and unneeded comments. When they aren't disturbing conversations they cling to your chair, breathing down your neck and listening to you as you sleep at night. Really get a puppy or something, that will give you attention. Examples of these are: Anne_Boleyn, Nikita, Asylum, Mrs Morte The Avocado Umbrella Latte These people are usually loiterers. They come into the coffee shops just to read a book or do something different. They usually only add a small giggle or a loud boasting laugh every here and there. You drink your Latte and shut up! Examples of these are: Monte, DrFeelgood, LEO, NoriaViola The Decafe Pinto Bean These folks are your normal people. They are only normal because you don't know them yet. Then you get to know them and they usually slip down into the Vomiting Unicorn. Examples of these are: Shaggs, JohnnyThunder, ShadowKiller, TheCrow The Unicorn Vomit Espresso Moving on to everyone's favorite. This type is everyone's favorite. The people that stroll in and say whatever is on their mind. Everyone else is thinking it, but no one will say it except the Unicorn Vomit Espresso. It's usually just a snide remark every so often, but everyone laughs except the one that is targeted. They cry. Don't get the Unicorn wrong, they aren't doing it for their own self-esteem, nothing terrible in their life makes them do this, it's more of a free entertainment sort of thing. Examples of these are: Cole, Oompa Loopma, BillyBathtub, Delilah The Extreme Blue Cup Bum Cappuccino You'll never see one of these people ever buy a drink for themselves and they'll always be surrounded by people. Everyone wants to talk to them, be them and even if they hate them they'll still try to impress them. Really they are great, they must be if they attract others like bees attract honey. Examples of these are: Squishy, Iris, Marietta, Dimitiri Rascalov, Vienna, SoundWarnings, Camazotz The Chilly Coffee Ground Tofu Smoothie When you get a Blue Cup Bum you'll get a Coffee Ground Tofu. They come hand in hand, the only difference is the tofu fools aren't popular. They leach onto the Bum's to gain popularity and temporary friendship. Examples of these are: Denver, HollywoodUndead, HeidiHoels, Asteosa The Italian Dog Breed Macchiato These guys are just around to have a good time, to drink their coffee and relax. You'll hardly ever find them unhappy, but if you do get out of the room. They are super cool with themselves, are great friends and really attract people. Holla! Examples of these are: Lily, Dominic, Branston, Anne_Marie **** Guest Article Yeah, Fuckers, We Get These From Some People WTF? Rant by Reporter Sugar Everyday on every street corner people see and hear things that make them think, "What the fuck?" One of those moments was when Marietta recalled every detail about the attempted murder of one of her bodyguards except one small very important detail, the color of the bodyguard's shoes. There is something very suspicious about that. Not to be outdone on the "What the fuck?" scale Don Iris, who is rumored to be a lesbian, was recently seen playing golf in Philly. Sports reporters predict because of Iris golf is the lesbian sport of the future. The powerful mafia Don must be proud that will be her legacy. In the "What the fuck? Do you ever sleep?" category is StonedSilent. The leader of The Quiet Type became Don recently after not sleeping for fifteen days. Mr. Big Stuff, who do you think you are? Being a Don is a great accomplishment and you organized the 1935 World Series of Poker, but your grandchildren will never be able to brag you were special enough to be the inspiration for the lesbian sport of the future. Go home and cry yourself to sleep, Don Stoner. You look like you need the shut eye. HOLY WE-WORSHIP-A-GUY-WHO-DIED-FROM-A-DRUG-OVERDOSE, BATMAN! Why so serious? What the fuck? The mafia community desperately needs another mediocre junkie to die soon and start a new trend of tattoos. They are sick of seeing a stoned jester inked on every other mafioso they bump into on the streets. mrstupid's mugshot is more appealing. In New York OhCrap called out FlyingPig for killing a member of The New Scum. Fireworks were booming, popcorn was popping and Alessia bought a new dress for the occasion. Everyone, including OhCrap expected FlyingPig to oink oink and take out OhCrap for the speech. FlyingPig replied to OhCrap by saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Disappointing the warmongering public the conflict was settled without bloodshed. Why FlyingPig? Why? Thanks for nothing. A group of daydreamers gathered on the street to answer the question, "If you could have anything what would you want?" How about a nice big shut-the-fuck-up-and-get-back-to-work sandwich? If dreams and wishes were were valuable tree huggers would be crew leaders and the mafia would be a pot smoking baby making cult where fat kids with ginger hair are told looks don't matter. If that happens Branston will be there to serve poison kool aid and pickles, of course. The biggest "What the fuck?" moment of the week was when SoundWarnings went to the streets to share his thoughts about stuff, like new auths. He suggested a change. Shocking! The predictable part of the debate was the "I agree" comments after SoundWarning's speech and the "How dare you question leaders?" remarks from mobsters after Don Iris said she disagreed. Yes, SoundWarnings, how dare you suggest change that might cure the boredom that made a jackass shoot Marietta's bodyguard who was wearing colorless shoes, or so she says. **** The Quiet vs The Riot You Both Suck Article by Reporter Black Well they are both living up to their names. The Riot has been seen all over the streets while The Quiet has, well, kept quiet. Lets dissect The Riot first. I'm personally glad to see Marietta's choice of Right Hand is ranking well. That's sort of embarrassing, having a Goomba as a right hand. How are the members of the family supposed to look up to that? Also, what in the hell is she doing posting in the streets. Did she not get the memo that we don't do that these days? Marietta you are supposed to be mute! No speaking, tell your members to pipe down. You are sexy, I don't want the other crew leaders to kill you because you talk too much. Maybe she has some sort of deal with the other crew leaders. "Hey Marietta if you post enough street threads to cover my family and yours I won't attack you." Lets hope Marietta is taking some sort of cash compensation along with the safety for her work. Moving onto StonedSilent. Stop being so God Damn silent, it's creepy. I do like that matching name thing. StonedSilent, Silence, way to be awesome. Putting NoriaViola is a bad idea. Letting her have a position in your structure lets us know you are weak. There's really nothing else to say about you, which is a bad thing because you haven't really done anything. Oh yeah you have your poker game, kind of reminds me of that Casino you had, yeah the one everyone thought sucked so they spit on it. **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings Camazotz, the Left Hand to the new Pickle Posse in New York, towering over school children and stealing their lunches. Was heard shouting "Fee fi foe fum..." A member of the Mocha Syndicate, PDiddy, drunkenly 'throwing down rhymes' at a bus station at one in the morning. Boss for the Java Cartel, Zim, hiding behind a tree in the town square. Was heard shouting "Come get me you fools!" while shaking a fist at the sky. Jano, an upper structure member for La Famiglia dei Guardiani, dragging a body bag behind him as he walked down the streets of Chicago. Was heard telling people "Er, no, it's just my dog. Yeah, my dog." Chicago citizen ShadowKiller, eating a raw fish behind a seafood restaurant. Don of Philly Iris, contacting a local entrepreneur about marketing her own brand of make-up. Was overheard squealing "Yes! We can call it Iris-Care!" Delilah, Right Hand to Marietta, giving a private pole dance to the Boss and other privileged ladies of The Riot! in the HQ late Friday night. Member of La Famiglia dei Guardiani, Tommy-Sparosi, staring into the windows of The Riot! HQ late Friday night. **** The Mask Comes Un-Masked Article by Reporter Black Yesterday the newest from the great Premeir line exposed himself in the public. You could already see that the Earner was making everyone shake in their boots. Alessia bit her nail as she listened to Cole's story, Czar tried calming his own nerves by trying to get Alessia to stop. While Don Daera and Branston averted their eyes quickly every time the word killer was mentioned. StonedSilent could be seen at the speech leaning up against a lamp post with weary in his eyes. Kangaroo pretended like Cole was speaking of babies, flowers and butterflies. Marietta whispered into her right hand's ear that they'd have to hire some more bodyguards. Even Don Iris looked a little uneven as Cole spoke from the journals of his father and grandfather. Once the true story was done the air was tense. It seemed like no one knew what to do. Maybe the thought that if they made the first move they would be the first attacked, but maybe Cole was on a new page then his bloodline and had no intentions on taking any of the leaders out. None of them knew, so they just sat there. Finally Barbarossa, a capo from Alessia's family, broke the stale silence and threw in a word or two. The crew leaders and captains saw this as a perfect time to disappear and run downtown to fetch the best and strongest body guards for themselves. **** Hagatha's Bootpig Pen To my stellar someone... Profession of Love by Hagatha Nodick He didn't think I'd have the gall to bring this into public view, this should show him. I'm writing this to a special somebody who told me I didn't have the guts to profess our love for each other in the public eye. That's right there is a Mr. Hagatha Nodick out there, and I might be going out on a limb here... But he's stellar. I know as I write this people will be full of questions, not the least of which will be, "Did he really take your last name?" First of all, Nodick is a very strong Scandinavian name and I know as he reads this he's filled with the pride of his adopted Viking ancestry. There will also be total haters out there trying to point out that there have been several stellar Mr. Nodicks before him, but I assure him here and now that he is easily the stellarest. This public profession of love for my dear Mr. Nodick doesn't come for free though. I know that by requesting this, I make my stellar soul mate look no better than the nepotist and playboy TM-Scarface (now deceased, can't fathom why). I realize my job as a journalist only allows me to check in three or four times a week, and his friends are there everyday being loyal and respecting the chain of command. But... and let me take a deep breath here... Mr. Nodick, for my candidness, will you please let me be your left hand... in life? **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Time Waster Plotting Guy (Mr. Time Waster Plotting Guy!) You are a man. A man with a plan. Ranking quickly and keeping your head down, your eyes are only on the prize. (I got Consig in ten daaaayys!) Telling many of your aspirations to destroy the Don of SuchandSuch, you sure are a bold and daring soul. (Philly will be miiiiiine!) When confronted with your plan by your superiors you shake your head furiously and deny deny deny. (What the fuck you've got the wrong GUUUUUUUY!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea, Man with a plan. You waste your time plotting to provide us with entertainment so we don't have to waste ours. (Mr. Time Waster Plotting Guy!) **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities By Reporter Black Engagements Making a surprise visit to Vegas, Camazotz showed up in his new left hand suit to the club Lily, Marietta and Delilah were at Saturday night. He calmly came up to the girls and asked if he could buy Lily a drink. At first she thought he was just some random and was about to give him one of those "get the fuck out of here" lines, but quickly realized who he was and jumped into his arms. Later that night Camazotz asked Lily if he could marry her. Being very drunk at this point of the night Lily giggled not thinking Cam was being serious, but then he got down onto one knee and asked her again. Lily screamed and answered with a loud yes. She was just about to lean down to kiss him, but immediately covered her mouth with her hand and ran to the bathroom. Check back in next week for the next installment of Happily Engaged with a Left Hand. ~ Births StonedSilent convinced Anne_Marie to take him back and even promised her that he would stop hitting the bong. Two days later friends of Anne_Marie announce that Anne is pregnant. The baby is expected sometime after the two die. Scarlett Rose has also been visited by the baby machine. While walking in the bar district of Chicago she was showing off her little baby bump. It's unknown who the father is. Czar? Gino? Eric_The_Midget? Fat Sal? ChrisPaul? JMK? ~ Obits Riann we will miss you, but this probably won't be the last we won't notice of your ryan, ryann, ryannn, ryan', ryan'', etc bloodline. You always had a way to make the same name each time seem so different. Alessia's voice is officially dead. No one has heard her speak in about two weeks. Well there was that speech about StonedSilent, her mouth moved but no words came out. Friends said she was suffering from bronchitis, but we all know the truth. Alessia has finally drank herself retarded. Alessia if you yourself cannot speak at least encourage your crew members to say something in the streets. The Mafia is like a pot luck, we all bring something and everyone gets to eat. Your family isn't bringing anything, soon you guys won't get to eat. Tony Valentino, blacklights, hofmann1138, antanoid. Rip rip. Czar stop killing off your members to help you train your gun. Remember how LargeHamster died, don't go down the dark path. **** Fine Fine Fine Congratulations to Bloody Love and Kisses from Reporter Kettle Well, The Bloody Tissue, you did it. We issued the challenge and you rose to the occasion, like some knight in shining armor running in to scoop up the Princess and make off with your prize. Last week you published a paper before us, having a handful of volunteers come to your aid with their writing talents and mighty pens. And no, 'pens' was not a typo, to you perverted minds out there. You managed to publish a thoughtful paper and managed to gain more responses than our sixth issue. Whether or not you actually did pay for them is between you and God, though. Don't go to Hell for your sins, men. Just kidding. Really, no hard feelings. We here at Tea Time want to thank you for participating with us, and congratulate us. You spanked us. You spanked us hard. The money has already been sent to your accountant, so spend it well. Whether that be on high heels or five-hundred sausage and egg breakfast biscuits is your own prerogative. Lets do it again, shall we? No? OK. See you later then. **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The sixth compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received only a small scoop of responses. Boo. Tea Time asked our readers, "When someone's bloodline makes a large scale mistake (rogue-ing, killing important members of the world, betraying the family), do they honestly deserve a second chance from the people they screwed over?" The results are in!: after fifteen votes in the span of a week it was decided, barely squeaking by with 53.3% of the overall votes, that most people believe Yes, people do deserve a second chance after their father or mother screws up. It seemed people were firm believers in change, one person stating "Yes, but certainly not their immediate descendants. People DO have the power to change. It just happens very, very rarely" and another saying "You take your mistakes/wrong doings to the grave. Your father does not have to follow in their footsteps". The other side did put up a good argument, one person responding with "History has proven that majority of the time the apple doesn't fall that far from the tree. Honestly, who ever gets a second chance after betraying someone you pledged your loyalty to?". For full feedback on the above survey look at this leaflet here. So consider the above, everyone. When that next person screws up, take the advice of our readers and give them a second chance! Our second question last week was meant to be a little more fun. We asked our readers, "Give it to us straight: what do you prefer for a family/crew name? Traditional Italian or American Slang?" The results are in!: after thirteen votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 84.6% of the votes, that crews with American names are more popular among the public than those with Italian. When asked why they chose one over the other, those who selected American Slang responded with plenty of different reasons. From "We're in America..." to "Why pretend to be something you are not? How many of us are actually Sicilian or Italian? Why not mix culture and add a bit of ourselves to the mix. If you want to have a fake Italian name, go for it. I'd much rather see less fake and more real. Pick a name that suits you and your family, or let your family pick it for you", it seems many are fond of making our way here in the new country by adopting their traditions and trying to fit in. For full feedback on the above survey look at this leaflet here. Keep that in mind, future leaders of Crime City, America. It seems our readers believe American Names are all the rage! Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "Recently a war was started because a few Upper Structure Members of one family were running their mouths and letting their information loose, thereby causing the opposing crew to know beforehand. Tell us: if a family is planning an attack, who should be let in on the information and who should be kept out of it? Why or why not?" The results are in! A small group of people, only SEVEN, come on people!, responded to our Open Forum question this week. Opinions differed, so we have compiled the survey answers here: Awesome pretty colored leaflet. Next time you're planning a war, better take a page out of our paper, folks! So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** Thank you, Daera Really. That Wasn't Sarcastic. Thank you by Reporter Kettle Since our very first issue we have seen fans come and go. People have supported us openly in the streets, privately in mailings and in the coffeeshops, or as they smirk silently to themselves as they read the paper. There has been no one, however, that can top the amount of support, encouragement and even at odd times financial gifts that this man has provided. Over the span of six issues we have made this man out to be a cross-dressing hermaphrodite, a poker-playing drug lord and even at one point a vampire. And if we didn't actually say he's a vampire, we plan to. Copy-right Tea Time, September 2nd. Either way, this man has taken everything we have ever said in stride, often dropping us personal mailings with well wishes and admirations. And for that, we want to thank you. Thank you to Daera, leader of the New York New Scum, for everything you have done (and will hopefully continue to do in the future) for our paper. You are a King among men, a King Kong among humans, and you smell. I hope I brought a tear to at least one eye out there. No, but seriously, thanks Daera. **** We're All Cooler Than You Giving Props to Cool Names that Start with 'B' Random by Reporter Kettle Somehow what was originally meant to be an article that saved both my ass and my job from the wrath of Delilah and company became a sort of hit. Yeah, people actually like when I write random shit, or at least that's what the love letters said. Apparently I should change my field of expertise from "reporting" to the "Seen and Heard" and "Life and Times" section. Yet, I feel bound to my semi-serious articles once in awhile, so there I stay. Instead I will use this as my outlet for unbound energy and awesomeness. So last week I wrote this filler fun-thing called "Giving Props to Cool Names that Start with 'A'. Well, now, that's just unfair to the rest of the alphabet, isn't it? Not wanting to piss off the other twenty-five letters in existence, I am going to ford this river and make it through like a champion. The Top Five Coolest Mobster Names Beginning With "B" * Barbarossa: Very nice, though it makes you think he'll try to steal your new pair of high heels. Either way, the double "bar" and the double "s" makes for a lovely ring to the name. * Ben-Derhover: Hehehehehehe. What? Say it out loud a few times slowly. * blackacidevil: If nothing says "badass" like this name, I seriously don't know what does. Saying it to myself gives me the chills... and the thrills. (Call me, blackacidevil. I'll show you a good time.) * Bonifacio: I like yelling this one in an exaggerated Italian accent. Try it. It's fun! * BrutusBeefcake: Roar. Oh baby oh baby. I think enough has been said about this name! There. Five names. Stay tuned for the next issue, where we celebrate the bastard child letter "C". **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a, well, handful of public praise, yay! What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! The names were drawn, and the winners are: Anne_Marie, Czar and Alessia! Congratulations to our sixth handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! NOTE: We are only looking for constructive answers. Please keep this in mind when answering. Weigh-In Thirteen Weigh-In Fourteen Open Thought Forum Seven **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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Simply Amazing once again!!! I cannot tell you how much I enjoy reading each issue. Every week I wait anxiously for the next issue to be published only to see the bar rise each time. Bravo |
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| Reply by: Shagggyd at Sep 02, '08 21:39 | |
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I can't catch the fast women, so that just won't do at all. Anyway, bravo on the article you wrote about me, it was quite fascinating. Though I didn't read the rest, because I'm the best. No, I'm kidding, I did really. But still, the other articles weren't as good as the one about me. Because I'm the best. I expect you to keep up the standard next week, particular when it comes to articles involving me and my clan. Pickles sell Papers, girls. |
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| Reply by: Branston at Sep 02, '08 21:50 | |
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Even diminutive ones? Flees |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Sep 02, '08 21:53 | |
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Wait, so which of these idiots am I supposedly leaching onto? You guys know I don't talk to people. Worst paper ever. |
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| Reply by: HeidiHoels at Sep 02, '08 22:06 | |
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Just so Camazotz knows, if he plans on marrying Lily he is getting damaged goods. I have come to the conclusion that everyone is retarded, and therefore I will be repopulating the seven cities with the illegitimate offspring of myself and the Tea Time editors. There will be clans of pigs with pens, or journalists with guns, maybe both. I began my conquest by impregnating Lily. Take comfort, Camazotz. It wasn't revulsion of the thought of marrying you that made her vomit. It was morning sickness. You may have her now, but I will be visiting again in nine months. There is much work to do. |
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| Reply by: FlyingPig at Sep 02, '08 23:23 | |
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Undoubtedly, the children will be bastards with multiple connotations, but at least literate illegitimates, so who can complain. I commend you on your venture, FlyingPig. May your seed be as bountiful as the verbosity of your street presence. And I call dibs on Delilah. |
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| Reply by: Vienna at Sep 02, '08 23:32 | |
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| Cole seems to be one of the best men i have ever heard of. | |
| Reply by: Cole at Sep 02, '08 23:34 | |
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| Well I think FlyingPig just gave you a whole issue worth of material! Well done ladies once again I love this paper more then anything. | |
| Reply by: DrFeelgood at Sep 03, '08 00:58 | |
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After reading the new issue of Tea Time Maxie rolled it up and stuffed half of it in a glass bottle full of gasoline. She took her lighter out of her pocket, lit the paper on fire and threw the bottle in the street. The small explosion caused traffic to stop. Maxie ran over to the nearest car, pulled the driver out and got behind the wheel of his car. Ten minutes later she arrived at The Riot HQ and stormed into Marietta's office. Great issue of Tea Time, boss lady. I look forward to reading it every week. You work so hard on it I got a present for you. Maxie tossed the keys to the stolen car on Marietta's desk. |
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| Reply by: Maxie at Sep 03, '08 01:31 | |
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She settles down on her favorite park bench to read the latest Tea Time. Hiding from those around her so she is left alone she smiles and giggles as she reads. Standing up she notices Marietta and the girls standing by a fountain. Walking by them she gives them each a way to go pat on the ass. Once again a fantastic job! Even if you did reveal my plans to take over the make-up industry... The fashion world is next.. Then I shall move onto sports. Yes, sports. She cackles evilly and saunters off to her office. |
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| Reply by: Iris at Sep 03, '08 03:55 | |
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| Great work ladies really enjoyed it. | |
| Reply by: Marcus at Sep 03, '08 12:04 | |
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Watches Iris vanish into her HQ and slides himself comfortably into the vacated warm spot and picks up the creased paper.... What can I say ladies, why has your production not made it into the now vacant tribute stand? It has been a long time since I have cast my eyes over such a well written rag, and not only that, amusing and impartial too. If I had a dollar, I would definitely throw it your way. Iris though, she bleeds me dry. Noticing Iris begin to emerge from the HQ the old man tips his hat and scampers off down the road.... |
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| Reply by: Cab_Tufting at Sep 03, '08 12:18 | |
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| Fantastic as always can't wait for the next issue | |
| Reply by: Strabo at Sep 03, '08 12:42 | |
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| Finally putting down the paper in her "Tea Time" pile she thinks to herself: 'What a good read! As always of course... A bit out of date but it happends quickly this kind of stuff.' she then takes her last sip of tea and continues on her personal rave: 'Tea for Tea Time... I really must break that horribly cliche habit. Oh well, maybe cut it down to tea biscuits? We shall see in due time...'. | |
| Reply by: Alice at Sep 03, '08 21:49 | |
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Great issue.. very funny topics and very current. Smiles as he takes an issue home |
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| Reply by: StripheCorelli at Sep 04, '08 00:51 | |
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| Very good read. Enough to keep the attention the whole issue. | |
| Reply by: NotreDame at Sep 04, '08 19:58 | |
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| Once again, an exceptional issue. Keep it up. | |
| Reply by: Syriana at Sep 04, '08 21:33 | |
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What are we naming this baby, Flying Pig? Needs to happen quick, apparently they say i'm going to start showing soon. |
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| Reply by: Lily at Sep 06, '08 06:47 | |
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From the look of things, my vote is for "Mongo". Just throwing that out there. |
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| Reply by: Hatchetface at Sep 06, '08 06:57 | |
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