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| Tea Time!: Issue Ten | Started by: Marietta on Sep 23, '08 22:37 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Ten: Work, Beats, Fierce, Sound... Issue Special: Sponsored by The RIOT! and other benefactors, over 8 Million Dollars in Contest Winnings! You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. Ten. Ten Issues! Can you believe it? Neither can we, really, as we had expected to be ostracized from the community long before now. Either way, those handful of people that love us motivate us to keep doing our best week after week. You reward us with a feeling of satisfaction; every, well it started as Sunday, then Monday, now Tuesday though really it's more Wednesday- anyway, every week we work hard and your reactions are our prize for a job well done. And now, it's time for us to reward you! Every issue we give three people cash prizes, this week we're giving out ten. We also have several games, prizes, and 'Easter eggs' throughout the issue. Either way, we're giving out some massive cash this week. You know why, readers? Because you fucking deserve it. Thank you for all of your support! Get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Lets do the fork in the garbage disposal, SunshineButtercup, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. Second Disclaimer: If you are alive, hell, even if you are dead, you MAY be the subject of one or many of our articles. If you don't like it please forward all hate mail to Heidi Hoels at Tea Time, c/o Marietta. Thanks! **** The Sky is Falling Angels? Article by Reporter Black Personally I haven't really listened to Angels during "story time". I just pick up a few sentences here and there as I sit on the park bench picking up tidbits of gossip from the people that walk through the park. I get it that America is known for it's freedom of speech, but this guy is obviously crazy. Keep your children away from him, don't take anything he says to heart and really take his story as a story and nothing else. Yes he tells you it's a story, but I know a guy down in Miami who lost a lot of friends and family to this same sort of scheme. They tell you that the world is going to end, that demons are going to come down and steal your soul and then they convince you to join this cult. If you join with Angels he will end up killing you or convincing you to take your own life. We are already in this huge depression, if you are looking for a savior please direct your attention else where. Angels will lead you into a greater depression. Stay with the ones you can trust, or at least think you can trust and you'll be better off. **** The Day of the Don Can't Touch This... Article by Reporter Pot This past week has brought forth two new Dons to the Seven cities. Caligula and Branston are the newest members of the Don community, joining up with Iris and Daera. It's been a little while since we've seen a new Don join these ranks of the esteemed Iris and Daera. Caligula was the first to be promoted, not having an extreme amount of street presence he has still been a valued member of our community. He's always there when you need him, and if you so happen to be near him at the right place, right time he may even be in the mood to buy you some shoes, or a hat. If you're lucky you may even get a purse out of it. Now now, I know you all love shoes and purses. Let's face it, a good purse and good shoes will get you far in life. Eff diamonds, shoes and purses are where it's at. Caligula has been widely accepted in the seven cities as one of its newest members of the Don squad. With comments like: "Oh my goodness this is just, wow, fantastic. I would like to congratulate you my dear Caligula. I am beyond words with the joy I feel today." -Iris "Always a wondrous day when a new Don emerges. As per Daze radio says if you need any "Stress relief" you know where to find me." -AlexisVonWaffle (don't do it, she might give you a present that will last forever, if you know what I mean.) "If anyone deserves it, it's you. truly well deserved. Hope everything is going smooth and wish you and your family the best of luck." -Shadow. Now onto Branston and his pickle posse, the second to reach the new Don rank. Now, Branston prides himself on his pickled family. He has been seen in the streets for different reasons. He also helped work on and run the Bloody Tissue (RIP Tissue). Now, some of you may have had parent, grandparents, etc...who may have left notes and other things to you when they passed away. If you take a good look at it, many of the most recent forefathers of the great Branston had died a terribly and untimely death due to gun malfunctions. Somehow Branston has been able to surpass the curse as some would call it and remain alive and well. Here's hoping that he does live a long and successful life, even though it is the life of crime. Again, like Caligula, Branston has also been very well received into the community regarding his promotion. Here are just a few comments from his well wishers: "Many congratulations Don Branston. There are very few family lines in this thing of ours that over the course of the years have put in as much effort as your bloodline. It is great to see you hit this rank - DON Branston." -Shelly "Don Branston comes from a family line which always seems to be robbed from this thing of ours just as they are at the start of something good. A wise person once said "Only the good die young" never was it said truer than when mentioned about his family line." It looks like the rest of the community agrees with me here when I say that we wish Caligula and Branston long and fulfilling lives with all the purses and shoes any girl..er...er man could ask for. **** Tea Time, Tea Time With A Name Like That, You Expect Nice by Reporter Kettle Yet, at the best of times, we can be downright mean. We the reporters mean nothing offensive when we write what we do. Most of us do, anyway. That Heidi is a horrible cu...uh.... bad girl. She's a bad girl. Anyway, it is every so often when we are reminded that we are all humans, and that when we think we are 'poking fun' at someone we are actually 'hurting someone's feelings'. And to that I have to say this: HAHAHAHAHA! TOO FUCKING BAD YOU RANCID BITCH. Not really. See? A demonstration. I'm really not that mean. Last issue was one of those times when we were gently reminded that we crossed a line. It's bound to happen in the type of work that we do. We're supposed to start an uproar, we're supposed to poke and pinch at people. Yet in the end we just want laughter. And if you're not happy, then fuck, we're sure as hell not happy. This is just me, reminding everyone out there that this is why we have disclaimers plastered all over the paper. We don't mean to hurt people. We don't mean to get anyone bent out of shape. Only six times out of ten do we intend to offend. But like I said, for us, it's mostly about the laughter. Reporter Kettle is here, down on her knees and not in a sexual nature, begging everyone to remember that this isn't real. This is a gossip magazine. We are sorry to those of you who have taken anything we have said out of context, but what you have to realize is that is what we did in the first place. We report on issues, but we take them completely out of context. Keep this in mind when you read our paper. Now enjoy the Editor's monies. Thanks. **** HEIDI, YOU BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Q: Heidi - I'm having mixed feelings about my friend's recent promotion within the family. He/she has been working hard and in every right deserves it, but for some reason I don't feel right. I'm not jealous, so what is it I'm feeling? - Sour Grapes A: What you're feeling is run-of-the-mill inadequacy. It happens to everyone. Well, not me of course, but inadequate people. Like you. You're right, you aren't jealous. You're happy for your friend, but you're feeling left behind, because in your mind, the two of you would progress together as equals forever. But your mind is apparently not powerful enough to grasp the fact that such a thing would actually require effort on your part. So just suck less (or more). Alternately, you could just shoot yourself and end the misery now. * Q: Hi Heidi! So like, my boss' birthday is rapidly approaching. I want to get something toooootally cool and kick ass for him. What do you suggest I get? Thanks girl! Excited Shopper A: Nothing says appreciation like cocaine and whores. Or, you could get him some new pants, without all the... fluid stains. Or a toboggan. What the fuck do I care? Just offer to paint the walls of his office for him. With your brains. * Q: Heidi Hoels, I am currently single and looking. I am a male in his mid-forties, medium height and a slightly larger build. I have red hair and green eyes. I am very much a hopeless romantic who likes to cuddle on the couch and take a woman out on the town to 'wine and dine'. Needless to say I am wondering. Am I the guy for you? Please Say Yes A: Ugh. Well, I suppose I have to, or else it will fuck up the contest I wrote out last night (the fourth wall can go to hell). So, uh... (Surprised look) Oh my! (giggles sheepishly) You do sound like QUITE the... bah, fuck it. Forties? Seriously? Eww, I mean, I know that back when you were growing up, fifteen year old girls married their fathers' friends and all, but jeez, get with the times. I mean, do you even own a swing record, or is it all just 'noise' to you? Sure we can go out, but I don't have to enjoy a second of it. I'm only doing it for the contest. And anything else that happens will also be strictly for contest sake. I'm prepared to bite that particular bullet all night long if need be. Three or four times, even. Leather straps and straight razors, Heidi **** WTF Rant by Reporter Sugar Tea Time has published ten entertaining, informative, action packed, money giving, wheeling and dealing issues, but it still isn't the official mafia newspaper. What the fuck? It surpasses every other rag ever published, including the tired, old and boring Tribune, but it's still passed around the streets like a cheap whore who almost fucked her way to the top. Where's the love for Tea Time? Where's the fucking love? A debate about pick pocketing brought several mobsters out of the closet and on to our streets. A few of them said a person guilty of pick pocketing a measly five thousand dollars should be killed. What the fuck? Don't kill the pretty young things with sticky fingers. Put them in stocks on the streets and let everyone know their offenses. Public humiliation might stop the guilty bastards from taking someone's wallet again and we'll all get to scream, "FUCK YOU, THIEF! YOUR MOM IS A WHORE!" In an effort to rehash shit that happened before and we're sick of talking about mobsters are bringing back old speeches. They aren't even old speeches reworded to sound new. What the fuck? Those of us who could care less are forced to relive the tribute to tha_hustla, a public service announcement about a jung, whatever the fuck that is, and OhCrap's song and dance about making a stand. A few years from now these are going to be the good old days for some of us. Put some fucking effort into making them memorable and original. Gun owners who have been to a few shooting ranges are dressing in pinstripe suits, smoking cigars and calling themselves mafia hit men. What the fuck? Real hit men were tap dancing and singing, "All I want for Christmas is -You-" when the sweet Left Hand Lady of Branston put the spotlight on careless gun owners with her speech, "Can we call them hitters?" It addressed the epidemic of sponsored inactive mobsters murdered recently. No, we don't call the people who killed them hitters. We call them wannabe idiots who don't follow the rules that are in their HQ and shoved down their fucking throats since day one. A few mobsters were seen leaving an art gallery in Detroit complaining the $100,000 price tag for VagArt is too much. What the fuck? They obviously don't know a good thing when they see it. VagInATube is one of the best up and coming artists of the 1930's. After he's dead his paintings will be worth millions. When asked how he felt about people who think the VagArt is too expensive VagInATube said, "I think they should get the fuck out. If you want quality, you have to pay for it. VagArt oozes quality." We bet that's not the only thing your Vag oozes. WTF Contest - Because Sugar is so damn sweet she's giving mobsters the opportunity to vent about what makes them say, "What the fuck?" The lucky son of a gun's WTF she likes best will get $500,000. To enter the contest go here. **** Hagatha's Boot Pig Pen OMFGZ ROGUE Article by Hagatha Nodick As the resident cougar of the group, I am privy to plenty of Intel that manages to fall through the cracks, and this week readers, I have an oldie but a goodie! I have been hearing from several sources that there is a coup being planned among members from several different families. I was stunned when I heard this news as I thought everyone was totally copacetic with the way things are! Now as an important journalist in this world, I can't divulge any names until this is 100% confirmed information, but I can say that some of the leaders should probably take stock of their hitters, because these folks are already training hard. Anyone that seems to be reporting less kills than they might actually have should be looked into further. The one thing I can say is that the people who are allegedly looking to strike off on their own are led by the descendants of a former leader. It's been a while since we've seen a rogue, and personally I'm looking forward to it. Will they be successful like Jonnie Reese, or will they fail to get off the ground and forget to even have money for their HQ like another infamous rogue? Time can only tell ladies and gentlemen, and Hagatha for one, will have front row seats. That's all for this week readers xoxoxo, Hagatha "Gossip Girl" Nodick **** It's a Boy! It's a Girl! It's a Plane! Contest by Editor SunshineButtercup No, it's not a plane. Babies need a lot of things, like food and love and being thrown down stairs when they cry to much. They also need something that their parents can call them, like LizardSexBomb, FlyingPigJr or John. Now Lily didn't like either of these names when they were brought to her attention, so the staff got her a baby name book. It didn't really help, Lily copied half of the names in a notebook. She liked all of them and by all of them, literally all of them. So to help her come down to two names, one for a girl and one for a boy, I will be hosting a contest for Lily. All entries should be sent Here! Next issue of Tea Time the winners will be announced. There will be two winners. One winner will be for the best girl name and the other will be for the best boy name. Each winner will take home a cool $250k. **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings Revelation, a Philly citizen, standing on a park bench preaching an alternate religion called 'Revelationism' to pigeons. Man from Detroit, Kearney, mowing lawns for older women who then paid him in cookies. New York New Scum's Joker, doing magic tricks on the Street corner much to the amusement of several hookers. Right Hand to the Pickle Posse CarbolicSmokeBall, throwing fire bombs at passing cars from atop their Chicago headquarters. King_Cav from the Java Cartel, getting his crown shined at the local shoe store. Was heard saying, 'No no no, you're not doing it right!' before stomping his foot and throwing a fit. Philly native Major_Tom, starting a drunken sing-a-long at a local pub Saturday night. The Pickle Posse's Gregory_SpitZ, spitting on movie theater patrons as they exited the double doors. Adamine, Left Hand to ShagggyD, crudely painting on the side of a building. **** Glam Hour Help Me Dress! Contest by Heidi Hoels Oh sigh. Well, it looks like I have myself a "date", then. And all sorts of dirty, nasty things have been threatened -- really ugly, filthy, mean and depraved things, both physically abstract and morally enigmatic; some more objectionable than others -- if I failed to come up with a contest of some sort for the big tenth issue "hooray for actually being able to conceive slightly different strings of words for ten weeks in a row" special issue of Tea Time. So, for a moment, let's pretend like I couldn't toss a rabid badger into my closet with a blender and have him march out magnificently attired, with daiquiris. Now let's say I need you, of all people, to help me find an outfit worthy of my body, and even better than "any old thing" (which is code for something that would cost a lot of money, had I paid for it, and looks absolutely fabulous on me in this light, which I had to take a three day weekend to pick out) that I might pull out of the bureau. I know, it's hard. The impossible often is. Here's what I need from you: Design a complete outfit, from head to toe, from hat (if there is a hat. See, the possibilities are literally endless! Hat, no hat or... okay, so that was a bad example. But still, the possibilities are awesomely expansive, at least) to shoes (there had better fucking be shoes). Coordination and attention to detail will serve you very well in this contest. PRIZES: First Place Grand Prize Super Happy Spectacular Goodtime Candyfun: $200,000 Third: $100,000 Yeah, that's right. Second place gets you nothing. Try harder. I mean, nobody remembers the second person to pilot an airplane on a solo nonstop flight across the Atlantic. C'mon. Happy shopping! All entries must be send via mail to Marietta. Please put "Glam Heidi" in the subject line. All entries must be accepted before 11:59pm, Monday the 29th. **** Forever You Bitch! Take This! Article by Reporter Black Tea Time has always had three editors, Marietta, Lily and another. There hasn't been a third editor to really cement their shoes into that spot. Maybe it's a curse, maybe it's the stress from the other two fierce editors or maybe it's something out of this world. First there was Kleighton, who took her own life. Then there was Frankiee who couldn't let TM-Scarface get away uncut by her sharp words, but was also cut up in the process. Next was Hey there Delilah, what's it like being Alessia's last kill? Last night that third editor's spot took another swim with the fishes as Forever, Right Hand woman of mob boss Marietta was shot in cold blood. Late last night Marietta got home from some work she was taking care of downtown Detroit to find Forever with Marietta's mysterious lover. Friend's of Marietta's say Forever was trying to seduce the man Marietta planned on marrying. Furious, Marietta took out her pistol and shot Forever right in the head, six times, just to make sure she was dead. Blood was splattered on the walls, on the pajamas (why was he wearing pajamas? Maybe some late night baby making lovin' with Marietta) of Marietta's lover and all over Marietta herself. Quickly Lily came to the room where she heard the shots coming from and gasped as she saw Forever's lifeless body with only half a face slumped on the ground. After Marietta had explained how she had walked in on Forever trying to seduce her fiancand killed her, Lily was quick to join her boss' side. The girls dragged the body out to Marietta's car with the help of the fiancand drove to the river. The bank of the river was muddy and Lily started to cry when her new shoes were ruined. Marietta told her she'd buy her a new pair once they got this body to the bottom of the river. Goodbye Forever, you probably won't be missed. Good luck to you SunshineButtercup, maybe you'll stick around for longer. Cross your fingers. **** We Be Jammin' Soooo, Yeah, Make us a Logo Contest by Editor Marietta Being the narcissistic bitches that we are, it has dawned upon us that we need ourselves a logo or a banner of some sorts. Something that we can proudly display across the Seven Cities and people will know just by gazing upon it, "Oh God, the Anti-Christ is coming". I mean, er, "Oh look! It's Tea Time!" Yeah, that's better. Anyway, your mission, should you choose to accept it: create that logo or banner! Feel free to enter as many times as you wish. Each entry into the contest will earn you 10K, yippie-kai-yay! We're giving artistic freedom for whatever you choose to do, mainly because we're too lazy to come up with any guidelines. Just make sure it captures the essence of Tea Time! At the end of the week the other Editors and I will pick our top three favorites, and award prizes to those that win. Third place will gain you 100K. Second place will gain you 200K. First place grand prize winner? We'll be using your logo for future representation of Tea Time, plus you'll walk away with 300K! So make sure to enter, everyone! Your submissions can be pasted to this leaflet here. Best of luck, and grab your paintbrushes! **** Tea Time Left Hand Death Match The Final Round by Reporter Kettle After endless amounts of votes, headaches, and other such pleasures and pains, we have finally arrived at the conclusion to our Tea Time Left Hand Death Match. Everyone here is a winner, really. Especially me, who is not being sued by any of the participants for using their names without permission. Anyway, like I was saying. This is fucking awesome. And here we go, ready to kick it old school with the two Left Hand finalists. In the first corner, weighing in at nothing because ninjas don't stand on scales long enough to be weighed we have -YOOOOOOOOOOU-! And, in the other opposite corner thereof, weighing in at "God damn it that's baby weight don't you dare laugh at me", we have LIL-LYYYYYYYYYYYY! Ding *Cue daydream* Without even a word the crowd unanimously gasped at the sheer speed in which -You- jumped atop the ropes, balancing with sheer precision and practice. Her eyes narrowed as she stared down Lily, who immediately put her hands to her belly in fear. Would she and her baby make it out alive?! Only time would tell! The women began to turn circles around each other, or rather, -You- did, running along the ropes like no one has ever seen. Lily remained in the center, and after a few minutes sat down, exhausted. -You- cleverly plucked a hair-pin from her pony tail and tossed it at Lily, hitting her square on the nose. This caused the hormonal and pregnant woman to well up into tears and begin to sob softly to herself. A ninja shows no emotion, but -You-, still being a woman, stopped in her tracks and hopped down from the ropes. Approaching the other woman cautiously she was suddenly caught off guard when Lily kicked out, sweeping her off of her feet. Within seconds Lily was laying on top of -You- who was sprawled out flat on her back, much to the amusement and pleasure of all the men in the crowd who began to wolf whistle. By the time the jeering had died down the cheering hard started, for Lily and her excess weight managed to keep the tiny -You- down and out until the count of ten. With the highest honor we would like to crown Lily as the winner of the Left Hand Death Match. 200K will be transferred to your account shortly. -You-, however, will not walk away empty handed. For her effort and participation we will be rewarding her for making it to the top two. Congrats to you as well, 100K will be wired to your account shortly! Thank you to everyone who helped by filling out their leaflets, and look forward to more random by Reporter Kettle. Who knows, you could be featured next! To see the standings from this round view this leaflet here. To see the words of support from viewers like you, see this leaflet here. **** Hagatha's 9th Marriage Contest Contest by Hagatha Nodick With things on the rocks between myself and the 8th Mr. Nodick, I've already started seeing someone else and am ready to start planning my marriage to the 9th Mr. Nodick, who as it turns out is none other than FullMetal! So with that I am announcing a contest to all the world! Plan my 9th wedding to FullMetal Nodick, and earn big money. This doesn't need to be long, but creativity will be rewarded! Things you may want to include: - The Venue - The Wedding Theme - The Musical Entertainment - The Type of Cake - Guest List - Anything Else You Can Think Of All entries are to be submitted to Marietta by September 29th @ 23:59. The subject line should read "Nodick Wedding". The winner will receive $500,000 in cold, hard cash, and the runner-up will haul in $300,000 for their bank account! Good luck all. **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Rebellious Mob Boss Insulter. (Mr. Rebellious Mob Boss Insulta!) The people should not be afraid of their government, the government should be afraid of their people. You repeat this to yourself as your mantra for destruction. (I'm gunna fuck shit up!) You sling insults in such a way it's almost poetic; cutting down Mob Bosses with your poisonous words of doom in public venues. (Sir you're a total douuuche!) 'Can't we all be freed from the tyranny of leaders? You all fucking suck!' you cry, knowing very well that you and you alone can make a difference. (Take these damn shackles OFFFFFF!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea, Mister Hardcore. You break free the chains of society to remind the rest of us that yes, it really is sweet to be alive. (Mr. Rebellious Mob Boss Insullltteeerr!) **** Roses are Red, Violets are Blue Could This Contest Winner be You? Contest by Editor Lily That's right, just when you thought no more money could be given away. BAM! We smack you in the face with another. In case you didn't guess it already this is going to be a poetry contest. Seeing as you all think it's so fabulous to recite your poems in the streets, I thought giving out prizes for them would be fantabulous. What I want you all to do is send in a poem to me, but not just any poem. It has to be relating to Tea Time exclusively. I'm talking: Tea Time itself An article that was once in Tea Time Any one, or all of the Tea Time girls How much you love Tea Time How much you hate Tea Time Anything regarding Tea Time is fair game. Now, for the regulations. It must be a poem consisting of four lines or more. The only exception to the rule is if you're writing a haiku, then obviously it can be three lines. Beyond four lines I don't care, just as long as it makes sense to me. It can be funny, sad, sarcastic, mean, happy. Like I said, anything goes. **Send all poems to LILY on or before Monday, September 29th** First place poem shall receive: 500,000 Second place poem shall receive: 300,000 Third place poem shall receive 200,000 A nice little chunk of change for producing what I think will be the best poem sent in to me. Remember, I like shoes too. **** Tea Time Right Hand Death Match The Final Countdown... By Reporter Kettle After two weeks of endless voting (since this entire thing was fictional but gave me a massive thrill thinking about it anyway) we have come down to the finale on the Tea Time Right Hand Death Match. The contestants were narrowed down from six to, much to everyone's surprise, three. And those three are here tonight to duke it out within my own head in a fantastical and not-so-bloody way. In the red corner, straight out of New York and carrying a deathly nail file we have Viiiiiiiiienna! And in the blue corner, representing Detroit with her weapon of choice a hug, I would like to present For-EVERRRRRRRRRR! And in no specific corner because he owns the entire fucking ring we give you the lean, the mean, the kosher- FLYYYY-IIIIING PIG! Ding *Cue fantasy* The bell went off without a hitch and the three participants began to circle around one another. FlyingPig's nose was working in overtime, picking up the scent of his prey (do pigs have prey?), while Vienna and Forever took turns throwing insults at one another and strutting around in what I can only describe as the two most heavenly pair of new shiny black high heels I have ever seen. Seriously, I'm jealous. Anyway, after about five minutes of ridiculous circle-ry, FlyingPig cleared his throat and asked Forever for a momentary truce. Asking her to stand in the far corner, he then proceeded to pull out a card table and folding chairs, inviting Vienna to sit down. Over the span of the next twenty minutes, in what can only be described as the most boring death match event EVER, FlyingPig and Vienna came up with a contract. If she was to forfeit the match, he in return would put out four nights a week, give her unlimited shopping money and spend one night a week (much to his amusement) 'cuddling'. After both signatures were placed upon the document the pair shook hands, FP throwing all the furniture out of the ring at poor, innocent ringside patrons, and Vienna herself stepping out and putting the match behind her. Turning back to Forever, the PigMan immediately jumped on her back with a snarl and squeal. The woman began to run around the ring, screaming her head off, trying to shake the manimal from her. At last she managed, stopping short and flipping over the ring and causing him to go sailing through the air. BUT WAIT! WAIT FOLKS! THIS PIG CAN FLY! Grabbing hold of the ropes he managed to propel himself back into the ring, grabbing on to Forever and pinning her to the mat. As much as she struggled and cried, the woman could not break free- nor could FlyingPig pin her fully to the mat. Doing what any wise man would do, he pulled out his glock and after another moment of unsteady struggling pulled the trigger directly at her face. Blood spattered everywhere and seconds later Piggy was the only one left standing, alive, in the ring. Those the events were unfortunate to say the least, technically it was a 'death' match (though he didn't have to take it so literal, for fuck's sake). And so, without further ado, we would like to crown FlyingPig as the winner of the Right Hand Death Match. 200K will be transferred to your account shortly. We also wanted to give a bonus prize to second place, but considering she is now dead and missing half of her face, it will instead go to the lovely Vienna. Congratulations on second, Miss. 100K will be wired to your account shortly! Thank you to everyone who helped make this dream come true a reality! We hope you enjoyed this fun fantasy contest! To see the standings from this round view this leaflet here. To see the words of support from viewers like you, see this leaflet here. **** Scavenger Hunt, Scavenger Hunt How Well do YOU Know Tea Time? Contest by Reporter Kettle We print our paper week after week, and many of you claim you read it. Well kids, it's time to see how you stack up against the rest. Here's a test of your loyalty as a reader, or at least your ability to locate the correct answers. View this leaflet for the questions. Please fill out every answer completely, and Mail all entries to Marietta's mail box with the subject line "Tea Time SH". If you fill the answers out anywhere on the paper or in public, you will be disqualified and most likely mocked horribly by many (or at least in the next issue of Tea Time). The first TEN people to send in the correct answers will be the recipients of 50K! And since I LOVE abusing the Editor's credit cards, how about the next TWENTY people after that to send in their correct entries will receive 10K for their effort! Yeah. Mmmm. Money. Best of luck, and get cracking! **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities Obits Asylum and Sticks1988 were playing with Sticks' stick until things got out of hand. Asylum choked and died and Sticks panicked which brought on a heart attack and died naked next to his very good friend. While on vacation Callum was gunned down by another man's pure anger. It seems Hancock, who was later killed, was sick of Callum getting all the ladies. Charmer was caught being too charming, or well not charming at all. PoKeMoN decided that prem_is_sexy was ugly and gave up on trying to catch them all. While he was walking out of his house he took a terrible trip down a flight of stairs and never woke up again. Personal Ads Single male looking for single female to spend the rest of eternity with. Must be beautiful, must be able to bear children, must be able to cook and clean. Must also be open minded in the bedroom, must be okay with Bondage. This man has been playing the solo way of life for awhile but is now looking for someone to really settle down with. If interested contact Primal. Single male looking for single male or female who loves long walks on the beach, strolls through Central Park during the autumn season, getting high on prescription drugs, would like children with untalented male. This person must also be able to deal with small "tools". If interested contact Adamine Married female looking for some part time fun with a single male. Must have good style, must be able to deal with the illegal drugs, must be able to be there anytime you are needed. Must be okay with knowing you aren't the one. If interested contact `Naamah`. Engagements Marietta still wears that large rock on her left hand ring finger, but the only one that knew who he was is now dead. Maybe next week we'll know who he is. Draven was seen being proposed to by three guys after she gave them each a private show down at Bada Bing's Show Girls in Las Vegas. The three lucky guys were gameownage, JavaMonster and Creep. Who will she pick?!? Births Congratulations to Riley and VagInATube on their new baby girl! **** We're All Cooler Than You Giving Props to Cool Names that Start with 'E' Random by Reporter Kettle I KNEW you would be back. You love this letter game more than I do some days, reader dearest. Either way, I've got a fever, and the only cure is... more names. So here you all are, for your random filler space of the week: The Top Five Coolest Mobster Names Beginning With "E" * Eazy-E: Is it hard? Hell no. With this name you get the assurance that you won't have to put one ounce of effort in on anything. * Embryonic: Just the name alone makes me feel... pregnant. Not as in a pregnant pause, mind you. Knocked up. With child. A bun in the oven. * Enforcer: This name makes you think, "HEY! I'M TOTALLY GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!". If not that, he'll at least get in your way of doing something. Damn you. * Evelyn_Barnes: A very lovely, feminine name. One that makes you think this is a lady of class and distinction. The initials 'EB' are nice as well. * Everett: Is he a man? Is he a city? Either way, the name is one that strikes you as important; someone who will be laid back, hold your hand as you cry and then caress you gently into the night. There we have it, folks! Cool names starting with 'E'. I know, I know, I can't wait for 'F' either. Stay tuned! **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The ninth compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received a massive response! Tea Time asked our readers, "By no means are any of the leaders asking for hints, suggestions or any of that sort. This is merely for opinion only. What would you like to see in the near future? More Captains, or more City Leaders?" The results are in!: after 28 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with our first ever Tea Time survey tie, that 35.7% of the population would like to see more City Leaders, and 35.7% of the readers would like to see both City Leaders and Captains. It seems that whatever the rhyme or reason, our readers want to see more bold people walking around the Streets. With comments such as "More Auths make things more exciting " and "I think there should be more of both. Lets give some new people a chance. Let them show their great leaderships skills and live out their dream to have a family.", it's very hard to disagree. For full responses from our surveys, view this leaflet here. When looking for new housing solutions in the future, leaders, it seems as if the readers have weighed-in. Captains and City Heads seem to be today's demand when asking what the population would like to see more of. Our second question last week was a little more straightforward. We asked our readers, "How many times have you been shot at?" The results are in!: after 27 votes in the span of a week it was shown, through 48.1% of the votes, that a majority of our readers have been shot at 1 to 5 times. (Second place with 37% was they, the reader, have been shot at 0 times.) It seemed people were more than happy to give us the number, but were a little more reluctant when it came to actually giving up the story of the time they were shot at. Either way, we did manage to get a few good ones out of the pile, and as such have compiled them all for your convenience on this leaflet here. Quite the talented bunch, eh? Except for the guy that told us to fuck off. No, YOU fuck off. I feel completely vindicated saying that. Anyway, it seems as if things are pretty uneventful around here, with only a handful of people being shot at one to five times. Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "Issue at hand: Sub Crews/Families. Are they needed or not? What purpose do you feel they serve/don't serve?" The results are in! Only 10 people cared to answer this, and as mad as that would normally make me it seems sort of fitting, it being our tenth issue and all. Either way, I value the opinions of those that spoke their minds, as this is a debate I recently partook in and it was good to see some of my own ideas- as well as a few new ones- reflected at me. All responses on who Sub Crews can be found in this leaflet. So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** YAY! Another Scavenger Hunt How Well do you Know The Girls? Contest by Reporter Kettle Behind the paper there lie three brilliant women at the helm: Forever, Lily and Marietta. They pour most of their time and energy into the paper, sure, but a lot of their lives lie outside the gossip rag. This is a test that will separate the men from the boys, the women from the girls, and the top dogs from the Revan family line. How well do YOU know the women? All questions can be found by visiting yester-year (or yesterday) in the Streets, as well as just general knowledge of the hard-working women who spearhead Tea Time. View this leaflet for the questions. Please fill out every answer completely, and Mail all entries to Marietta's mail box with the subject line "The Girls SH". If you fill the answers out anywhere on the paper or in public, you will be disqualified and most likely be killed by more ethical pl... er, I mean, you'll be kicked in the shin. Twice. Since this activity is one that is quite challenging, the first TEN people to send in the correct answers will be the recipients of 100K! And, as always, since money makes the world go round... the next TWENTY people after that to send in their correct entries will receive 50K for their effort! God I just got a chill. Once again, best of luck, and get cracking! **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! WE SO CRAZY! In honor of our tenth issue, we have decided that not three but ten people will be the recipients of cold, hard cash! The names were put into a hat, and today we would like to congratulate the following people! The names were drawn, and the winners are: Strabo, McKnighter, Red_NecZ, Shadow, Prem_is_Sexy, ShagggyD, Camazotz, Willie_Phatballz, JackSparrow and FabrizioGambino! Congratulations to our ninth handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! As I drew these names, however, I was utterly disgusted to find that not ONE of these names were female. So putting the girl and women readers back into the hat, I drew out four names to be the recipients of 25K each. Gotta represent, eh? Anyway, congratulations to AlexisVonWaffle, Alice, Ashlee and Vienna, our last minute gift winners! Check with your accountants, you have cash! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! (NOTE: Constructive answers only. Getting a little tired of being told you're gunna cut us, or we're cunts, or whatever. If you have a problem you can send us mail to Tea Time: Reporter Heidi Hoels c/o Marietta.) Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! Weigh-In Nineteen Weigh-In Twenty Open Thought Forum Ten **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. LAST MINUTE CONTEST?! There are a total of ten 'Easter Eggs' hidden throughout the issue. Think you can find all ten? When you have, mob mail your answers to Marietta with the subject line "Easter Eggs". The first ten readers to send in the correct answers will have 50K wired to their bank accounts! You must send all ten in this format: Article Found in: Word it was on: The 'Easter Egg' was: (describe what it was) Each additional person to find the Easter Eggs after the first ten will receive 10K each. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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Once again you made My Tuesday Heads out to work on the competitions |
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| Reply by: Shagggyd at Sep 23, '08 22:54 | |
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| beautiful read ladies im pumped for next week!!! | |
| Reply by: FabrizioGambino at Sep 23, '08 22:56 | |
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| Once again, you made a susscessfull great Tea Time!: of Issue Ten, Well done, keep it up. You are doing great girls. | |
| Reply by: Red_NecZ at Sep 23, '08 23:11 | |
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As always an excellent read ladies. Marietta, why are you so damn smexy? Its a shame you are already taken. Hayley thinks for a moment, and stomps around pouting. I want to be in the paper. Apparently I am not famous enough. She wanders off, getting some crazy idea in her head, thinking of a random stunt to get her mentioned. |
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| Reply by: Hayley at Sep 23, '08 23:19 | |
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| The stories in this article about myself are not true. Striphe shines for free. I will be contacting my lawyer. | |
| Reply by: King_Cav at Sep 24, '08 01:28 | |
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Great story! esp. the 'girl fight' report. Love it. |
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| Reply by: Arabesque at Sep 24, '08 02:53 | |
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| ahh and I'm impressed once again, well done. Looking forward to the next ladies. | |
| Reply by: Riley at Sep 24, '08 03:12 | |
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| All I have to say is: Sugar, don't knock a Jung until you've tried it. | |
| Reply by: Henry_Jung at Sep 24, '08 07:43 | |
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Nice work ladies, I dont know what it would be like without Tea Time. Am loving it. |
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| Reply by: LilWayne at Sep 24, '08 11:32 | |
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Now I know why Forever never got back to me. She had been working on a small project for me. I guess she got what she deserved tough. At any rate, beautifully done again ladies. |
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| Reply by: Willie_Phatballz at Sep 24, '08 11:43 | |
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Sweet I'm a contest winner! Never thought it would pay to learn how to read Well done as always ladies |
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| Reply by: Strabo at Sep 24, '08 12:05 | |
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Thank you to everyone who has participated in any of the contests/activities this far. Only 6 days left to go, and still tons of cash to be given away! I know you all love cold hard cash! |
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| Reply by: Lily at Sep 24, '08 16:09 | |
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| Enjoyable work once more ladies, great stuff. Thanks for the kind words too. Though I'm sure you're just after more shoes, hats, bags and whatever else takes your fancy, I'm more than happy to oblige! | |
| Reply by: Caligula at Sep 24, '08 16:19 | |
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FlyingPig approaches Marietta with a nonchalant look on his face. When she offers her hand for a handshake, Mr. Pig slaps a sealed envelope into her palm. Inside, the letter reads: Dear Marietta, I am the attorney for Philadelphia resident King Cav. Your latest edition of Tea Time is of great concern to my client. As you are surely aware, King Cav is a reputable businessman and Philadelphia royalty. Your false claims in the recent edition of your publication have caused great harm to my client. King Cav depends on his image as a man of strong character and integrity, with empathy for his royal subjects, for his livelihood. Your portrayal of my client as a snobbish, whiny aristocrat has cost him hundreds of thousands of dollars in endorsement deals, the use of the company car, and at least two of his bitches have left him. As a journalist, you have a legal obligation and duty to assure the accuracy of any claims made which are of a derogatory nature and have the capacity to harm any individual. As the attorney for King Cav, I feel that this duty has been breached, the content in your article concerning my client was libelous in nature, and my client has been harmed as a result of this conduct. My client will seek compensatory damages of an undisclosed amount, resulting from loss of livelihood, an injunction requiring Tea Time to print a Retraction in the next edition exonerating my client of all accusations, a judicial order requiring you to sleep with my client to compensate for Loss of Bitches, and attorney fees. Attached is a copy of the Complaint filed in the Philadelphia Court of Common Pleas. IN THE COURT OF COMMON PLEAS City of Philadelphia King Cav, Entrepreneur, Pimpdaddy, and Monarch Plaintiff v. Marietta Consigliere CL of Detroit, Heartless Wench, and Liar Defendant COMPLAINT: PETITION FOR DAMAGES, INJUNCTION, AND OTHER RELIEF Now comes the Plaintiff and for his Cause of Action against Defendant, Marietta, states: 1. Plaintiff, King Cav, is a respectable Philadelphia businessman with an upstanding reputation in the community. 2. Defendant, Marietta, is the current evil criminal overlord of the city of Detroit, and the editor of Tea Time, a national publication. 3. Plaintiff relies on his reputation as a man of integrity to secure endorsement deals with various commercial entities, to maintain his position as a monarch, and to pimp out bitches. 4. That on September 23, Defendant did print a statement in Tea Time, accusing Plaintiff of childlike behavior and conduct unbecoming of royalty. 5. That said accusations were untrue, that Defendant knew them to be untrue, and that Defendant printed this claim for the purpose of smearing Plaintiff's good name and reputation in the community. WHEREFORE, Plaintiff demands that the Court require Defendant, Marietta, pay damages as deemed appropriate by the Court, print a Retraction clearing Plaintiff of all previous accusations, that Defendant have sexual relations with Plaintiff as a form of compensation for Loss of Bitches, and reimburse Plaintiff for reasonable attorney fees for the cost of this action. Flying Pig, Esq. Attorney for Plaintiff |
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| Reply by: FlyingPig at Sep 25, '08 02:07 | |
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With a horrified expression plastered upon her face Marietta read the papers, skimming through a second time just in case she had missed some of the finer things. A sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach told her what she had already figured out, though. She was being sued. A white hot, blinding rage washed over her and trembling from head to toe in anger she narrowed her green eyes. Staring first at the manimal in front of her her eyes darted around until she finally found whom she was looking for: King_Cav. You... she hissed, feeling a hand on her shoulder. Her daughter, Sunshine, was trying to prevent what was certainly going to be a tragic disaster from happening. Shrugging the small hand off of her Marietta crumpled the court document when she balled her hand into a fist. You mother fu... Suddenly remembering where she was the woman fixed a smile upon her face and brushed her blond hair off of her shoulders casually. Shaking out her clenched fist she straightened the Complaint and tucked it neatly underneath her arm. Folding her hands in front of her she blinked several times and cleared her throat. Mister Pig, she said softly, taking one last glare at King_Cav before turning back to the attorney. To be quite honest I and the girls have no intention of paying for this 'libel' that dirty little slime weasel speaks of. And that... that man (more like boy if you ask me) must be out of his fucking mind if he thinks I am going to sleep with him. I guess what I am trying to say is- we'll see you in court. Turning on her heel in a huff Marietta walked back over to the girls at the newsstand and quickly leaned in to whisper to Lily. Oh God, we better hire a damn good lawyer... |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Sep 25, '08 02:35 | |
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| Gives Marietta a wink as she glares | |
| Reply by: King_Cav at Sep 25, '08 04:27 | |
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