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| Tea Time!: Issue Eleven | Started by: SunshineButtercup on Oct 01, '08 01:16 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Eleven: Say Wha? You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. It is a deep depression I feel that runs through my viens as I write this. After weeks of pain-staking efforts to come up with fun and entertaining contests, and on top of that to pony up the prize money, we only had five participants. Five. Four of them were Tea Time staff members. Needless to say, we're still feeling a little bitter, but keeping that eight million in cash does make things a little bit sweeter in retrospect. We'll consider doing this again for our 20th issue, and maybe- just maybe- some of you will feel the need to participate as well. Moving on, this issue will get us back on track for our sarcastic and bitchy writing. The claws are back and the fun-loving-money-giving feelings have been buried deep within our soul-less pits we call hearts. So get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Oh no you di'int, SunshineButtercup, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. Second Disclaimer: If you are alive, hell, even if you are dead, you MAY be the subject of one or many of our articles. If you don't like it please forward all hate mail to Heidi Hoels at Tea Time, c/o Marietta. Thanks! **** Listen Up, Bitches And Don't Listen to Kettle Article by Reporter Black You all read Tea Time Issue Ten and the article Tea Time, Tea Time: With A Name Like That, You Expect Nice; if you didn't go back and read it. Well the article was heavily influenced by Reporter Kettle's little incident with her trip down three flights of stairs. We told her she could take it easy and not write anything, but she insisted. So I'm here to correct what her concussion decided was the "right" thing to do. We the people of Tea Time mean a lot of offense actually. When we see someone get mad at the article they just read we giggle over our cup of tea, Pot ends up in a fit of hic-cups from laughing so hard. Yes, it's true, you laugh at us, we laugh at you. If you don't like it TOO FUCKING BAD YOU RANCID BITCH. Yet, at times, we can be surprisingly nice. In issue eight, we crossed this "line". What line? When I asked Kettle where this line was, she pointed to my forehead and I gave her some more pain killers. There is no line and if you think there is one then you think too much of yourself. This is just me, reminding everyone out there that this is why we have disclaimers plastered all over the paper. We get it, sometimes you don't like what we write, but the great thing about it is you don't have to read it. I love that you continue to do and even if you tell us you won't read it anymore, we know you still do. Reporter Black here, telling you that if you try to tell us we are being too mean you had better be down on your knees the next time we bump into you, groveling for our forgiveness. This is a gossip magazine and you know what gossip magazines do best. They stir that fucking pot, they stir it well. We aren't sorry for expressing our opinions and the community's. Go live in Russia if you think we should; this is America. Freedom of speech bitches. **** I'm a Don You're a Don Article by Reporter Pot Everyone's a Don! Except for Shagggyd, he's a slacker. Mont received Don on September 24th, just a mere two days before dear Marietta. Proves the point that Mont obviously bribed everyone possible to win this little contest they had going on. Maybe the Tea Time curse was placed upon Marietta, right after the anonymous survey of who will get Don first, BAM! Mont was all "Oh hai, here I am". He was said to be jumping up and down screaming "Pick me, pick me! I have ice cream". What a civil and upstanding way to act as an almost Don. Well, it sure looks like it worked because he did get Don fair and square before Marietta. The fair part is in question, showing some leg shouldn't count too much unless you're a dirty pirate hooker like that JackSparrow over there. Anyhow, no matter how it happened Mont is a Don, and we here at Tea Time want to wish him a very special congratulations on his promotion. Next time, Mont you'd better bring us cookies or something pretty. We'll be waiting. Oh, who am I kidding, Mont is too scared to come out of his office and over to our Headquarters. I guess we'll just keep hoping. **** Lets Do the Time Warp! Another Mass HQ Wack Leaves NY in Devestation Article by Reporter Kettle For many of us it was as if we were glimpsing into the past. Only months ago the former drunk Don Alessia placed all of her trust and faith, plus the fate of her family's lives, into the hands of a man who then proceeded to drag all the sleeping men and women out back to shoot each one square in the forehead. Those who were awake were drugged, then were escorted into the back of the building for the same routine. In a 'rinse, lather, repeat' type gesture, the same tragedy has recently befallen that of Don Daera's Captain's faction. The facts (I know, Tea Time actually deals with facts sometimes. What the fuck, am I right?) that are known is that ShaggyD, head of The Scoundrels, placed a young boy into power at the HQ before leaving one afternoon. Legionnaire, the boy in question, was pretending to be the son of the late Denver. It was not, in fact, a member of the Denver bloodline, but was indeed an imposter. Dun dun dun! Legionnaire, sneaky thing he was, was actually a member of the 'Clipper' or 'Zulo' bloodline, a family who has shat (repeatedly) upon the citizens of the world, as well as having slapped Don Daera in the face. Figuratively, of course. It is unknown as to whether or not the Clipper men had literally slapped the Mob Boss of New York. Either way, after undergoing extensive facial surgery (read: he took a scalpel to his own face to scar it beyond recognition) he managed to gain audience with the two top men of NY, and after successfully pleading his case, was handed a position of power. Only a short time later were the mischeivious acts committed. Had it not been for blind luck that ShagggyD forgot his wallet and had to turn around back to his HQ, many many more lives would have been lost. The incident evoked a largely negative outpouring from the community. Not in a long time has this reporter seen such an angry mob gather in the coffee shops like a pack of wolves ready to hunt, or a group of wayward Christians ready to search for the next witch. Hours later some citizens were still angry and upset over the handful of deaths. Either way, Tea Time sends our most heartfelt apologies to New York, Daera and mostly ShagggyD. Everyone else, be aware of rabid Clippers. **** MARIETTA: YOU ARE MARGINALLY LESS BITCHY THAN HEIDI Please Answer Our Questions! Q: Marietta, Hi. Hey, where's Heidi? Love, Curious A: Curious, Please please please do not stress me out more than I already am. On top of editing, now I have to answer fucking questions? I can barely sort my own life out, what makes you all think I can fix your lives?! Oh... OH! You asked where Heidi is? Well, the bitch decided to take a last minute vacay over to the tropics. I'm thinking of docking her pay. = Q: Hey Marietta, Why do all but one leader/captain have Don status? What is the other one doing wrong? Why isn't he as cool as the rest of you? Sincerely, Shagggyd's Mother A: Mrs. D! With all due respect, I understand you are concerned about your son's status in this Thing of Ours, but for the love of muffins don't lay a guilt trip on him! Asking a question about him in a public forum is hardly the place to broach this sort of topic. Trust me, I know. When my own daughter disappoints or embarrasses me I like to talk to her about it in private. Mostly because she manages to throw a huge temper tantrum, but... wait, does Shagggy throw temper tantrums? = Q: Miss Marietta I'm a new gangster to this place, and I'm wondering who do you think will be the next auth? And can I be it? - A in Chi A: A, Oh sweetie I don't even know where to begin with you. Welcome to the Mafia, I suppose I should start with. No, you cannot have your own crew. It is required you be at least of Made status and above and have permission from the other current Dons to start your own family before that will happen. And holy moley don't ask about it. Nothing turns a Mob Boss off more than a greedy, pushy crew member. Ugh. As far as who is next, I can't really say. There is a large amount of deserving and talented candidates; it's all a matter of getting the current Family Heads to see eye to eye on the matter. Only time will tell, I guess! Puppies and sunshine, Marietta Editor-In-Chief **** WTF Rant by Reporter Sugar Ever since the good old days when men were men and women were treated like second class citizens productive mobsters have done the same routine of petty, petty, petty, felony, fly and sell drugs. Occasionally a ballsy paesano steals wallets from other mobsters or tests his luck with gambling. These are the only ways to earn money, right? Wrong! Think outside the box. There was eight million dollars unclaimed from various contests in Tea Time's tenth issue. Eight million dollars! What the fuck? I guess the old saying is true, you can take a horse to water, but you can't make him fucking choke on it. This thing of ours has been peaceful lately. Enjoy it while it lasts. This peace is the calm before the storm of stupid mother fuckers going rogue because they're bored, hate the leaders or have been holding a grudge since their great great grand parents were killed by the Don of Detroit's great great grandfather. The names of people who plan to rogue have been whispered around enough to get to the top. Instead of leaders killing members who plan to rogue they promote them to Made Man. What the fuck? Rest in peace, common fucking sense. When you give the rogues in training their button you might as well give them money to buy a HQ and locals on prime targets, but more importantly, don't forget to act shocked and pissed off when the rogue kills a few people. A new group of criminals no one has ever fucking heard of before tried to blackmail Don Iris recently. The Soldiers of the Public were blunt with their terms. "Pay us $1,000,000 or suffer major losses." What the fuck? They obviously never heard mobsters from Philly are impossible to blackmail. Back in 1931 Llovehand refused to pay his wife when she threatened, "Give me 50k or I will burn all of your love dolls." Mrs. Llovehand mysteriously disappeared after the blackmail attempt and Llovehand allegedly spent $50k to add more plastic friends to his collection. There's a rumor JackSparrow affectionately tried to touch Llovehand's dolls. What the fuck, Jack? Keep your fucking hands to yourself. Buy your own damn dolls. Last but not least on the rant list is the mafia history quiz. It was yet another circle jerk for the good old boys to relive their glory days. Big fucking yawn fest for the rest of us. Allowances were suppose to be made for people who didn't have ancestors in the mafia when dinosaurs owned the fucking planet, but the three winners are from old bloodlines. What the fuck? If allowances mean, "Fuck you, your bloodline hasn't been here as long as ours." the judges did a fantastic fucking job, but dry your eyes, new blood. You missed out on winning the old folks quiz, but you could've won a lot of dough if you would've taken ten minutes out of your busy fucking day to enter Tea Time's contests last week. If you want to be a legend and have people kiss your ass in the future think outside the fucking box. **** Hagatha's Bootpig Pen Shot Through the Heart ...But you're too late, Celestian just got killed in the face by Hagatha Nodick In an event long forgotten, the world lost one of its Made guys this past week. Celestian was brought down by the infamous fatal wackback. It has been a long time since these shores have seen the wackback occur, but surely enough Celestian fell like a ton of bricks. He was an up and coming hitter in Daera's crew and is survived by his yet-to-be-named partner in crime. The events are these, late on September 28th, Celestian was stalking Don_Diggler, a gangster who hadn't been seen in public for 7 days. Celestian's goal was to eliminate this poor sap from the gene pool, and by all accounts, the kill should've been a shoo-in. Celestian was becoming quite a killer, but in a scene almost out of Little Red Riding Hood, it was Don_Diggler who had the last laugh. Celestian was moving silently through the shadows with his prey in sight. He had finally found a great vantage point right behind Don_Diggler, but Diggler was wiser than most of his kind and quickly jumped in a half circle to face his attacker. In a swift motion he knocked away Celestian's gun and unholstered his own piece, firing several rounds right into Celestian's torso and face. Diggler didn't have long to celebrate before he was struck down by yet another attacker though. A shocking day for everyone. And who am I? I'll Never Tell xoxoxo, Hagatha "Gossip Girl" Nodick **** Am I a Don or a Loan Officer? I think you are a Don Article by Reporter Black Money Money Money It seems to be the only thing people think about these days. Where can I get some from? Who can I scam it off of? How much money do I need to buy a body guard? My money is mine, why should I donate it to the family? Questions like these and more come up every day, to everyone, not just Dons. It's always been a problem, to give out a loan and hope to get it back. Half the time you get it back; it seems when you are a crew leader you are more taken advantage of. Which is strange to me. Shouldn't you pay your crew leader back, they have more power to take your pathetic little life. Stop scamming, it's annoying and you will probably die. Specially if you try to scam from your crew leader. Just don't do it. Body guards. Not everyone and their mom need one. You know who should have them? Your crew leader, right hand, left hand and other important people in the upper structure. You may come to these shores and bump into a few old rich friends. They may spill a little change your way and buy you some extra protection, but if you are apart of a family and you don't donate you just save your money to buy yourself a body guard. Wrong move. Your crew leader should probably kick you out for not willing to help out the family while the family helps you. Am I a person or a bank? Sometimes we all feel like a bank. Somehow you can pay for all your training ranges and drug deals all by yourself, but your friend over there needs some help and expects you to pay for them. Lay off buddy and work hard for yourself. Don't always depend on others. **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings Argo, some guy that lives in Chicago, stealing dictionaries from a local college. Philadelphia banker GeorgeAgdgdwngo, capturing pigeons in the park and placing them in a cage. Told local officers he was "saving them for later". Left Hand to Caligula, JackSparrow, pillaging and plundering a local bakery. Was chased off minutes later by a very large, very angry looking man in a baker's cap. Branston, Don of Chicago, engaging in a business meeting with the owner of the Southland Corporation, advising them of new marketing strategies for bread and milk. New York citizen Phantom_Ghost, who wasn't actually seen at all. We were merely made aware of his presence. Made Man from the New Scum Celestian, shaking his gun and furiously slamming it against a brick wall to make it work just minutes before his recorded death. Singing sensation Hayley from Detroit, scratching her name into the hood of a brand spanking new showroom Ford. Creep, running around with green ooze dripping from his mouth and eating General Tso's chicken. **** boobies Never Felt so Joyless by Hagatha Nodick In breaking news, today (9/30) saw one of the community's respected Consiglieres take a big hit. A member of the sub-division in Java Cartel, boobies was reported to have offered a seven-figure sum to a notorious descendant of the Clipper family. The Clipper family tree has been one of rogue and hated ancestry. Most recently it was responsible for the brutal slaughter of Shagggyd's sub-division. Why boobies felt compelled to shell out the cash has still to be explained, but one has to wonder, why didn't he offer that money to, say, his family head? Perhaps friendship ties led him down that path, and in doing so he may have given himself a bad stigma. It just goes to show that in this life the only person you need to be looking out for is your Boss and yourself. boobies was first outed as showing support to the man, whose actions led to mass HQ wacks, this afternoon by the Gods. They made a rare appearance at Tuesday mass and informed the world that boobies was supporting the damned. The Gods were clear in their message that if it were up to them they would have torn boobies apart, but they held back, hoping that in the future others would learn from this situation. The general consensus nationwide is that the familial line of Clipper is one that should be stomped out before it can expand. As for me, those boobies are not the kind Hagatha would like to fondle any time soon. **** First Don of Detroit Let's Get Some Shoes Article by Reporter Pot On Friday, September 26th Detroit welcomed it's very first Don. The beautiful Marietta is the first to reach such heights. Literally, she was wearing six inch heels at the time, cute peep toed ones at that. Let's not get carried away from the subject though. Seriously, it took her long enough to reach this status. I mean, she's done a lot of great things in the community. Marietta is very active and makes some good use out of her time here, so what has taken her so long to make Don? Well, it's really very simple. She has a blatant shopping and gambling addiction. She has basically squandered her money away trying so desperately to get those cherries as well as that new purse and matching shoes. Prices are of no importance to her, for she can't read them anyway. She's even gone so far as to buy her long lost daughter SunshineButtercup her very own collection of ponies. Not just any pony though, oh no, it has to be the finest of the fine. Nothing is too good for little Buttercup. Sunshine has also been sneaking into her Mothers account and buying accessories for her ponies. Although, I'm not sure who would sell anything to a twelve year old girl, that's just crazy. Aside from all the delaying and focus on her new-found child she forgot she had, Marietta has achieved a great accomplishment. Not since her great great grandfather who might have been her grandmother but was really a guy...oh I don't fucking know, have we seen this happen. Congratulations Don Marietta, may you and your daughter SunshineButtercup live a long and prosperous life. By the way, I'd get a DNA test if I were you. **** King_Cav is a Total Prick Retraction? Eff That, Man. Article by Reporter Kettle Well folks, the day we have all been eagerly anticipating has arrived. Even though we editors and staff have been waiting on the edge of our seats since Issue One, it still came as a large shock when Marietta receieved the formal complaint lodged against the paper. That's right. Tea Time has been sued. Gasp shock horror, amirite? The original complaint, which was handed to Marietta on the release date of the tenth issue, detailed exactly why they were being sued: a measly, small little comment about King_Cav throwing a fit (which he did and you know you did you mother fucker) when having services performed at a public business. According to such, poor mister Cavvy lost two of his whores, some advertisement deals, and a whole lot of respect from the community for being a total prat. Okay, maybe I made that last part up. Either way, the compensation was either cash or sex. Marietta, being the headstrong type, denied both and tried to push for the case to be taken to court. Racasally little man that King_Cav is, he managed to hire one hell of a lawyer who would stop at nothing to see his client's case won. Even stemming to such heights as harassment. On the morning of the 26th, the Detroit location known as the Tea Time offices received no less than two-hundred copies of the same letter- all envelopes hand-written and all letters signed in blue ink. Whomever thought that FlyingPig would have so much time on his hands. After finally giving in and opening the letter, we received a copy of such, which can be seen here. Needless to say, however wrong and scummy (no offense, New York) this man is about his aligations, we at Tea Time have had enough. Your accountant has made payment of $200,000 to King_Cav. There, you freaking cry baby. You happy now? You won your stupid little victory. No we will not have sex with you, but above all we will not write a retraction for this meaningless lawsuit. ...Nor will we write a retraction for what we scrawled on the bathroom stalls in all public restaurants within the city of Philadelphia. Ha ha ha on you. **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Extremely Gung-Ho New Guy. (Mr. Extremely Gung-Ho New Guy!) Welcome, young one, to this Thing of Ours. Seduced by the power and glory and ready for action, you use your best weapon at disposal- questions. And lots of them. (How do I join a crewwwww?) Contacting several people at once asking for advice, you're no fool. You ignore every single bit of help- and the Bible- that they hand you. (No thanks I don't believe in religion!) Oh you daring new blood, you have boldly taken the reigns of this world. Celebrating your acceptance into the family you stop by every office. And every poster. And every notice... (Just wanted to say HIIIIIIII!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea, you Loveable Newcomer. Nothing makes us feel more proud to have you in our world than to see you jumping right in and creating a stir. (Mr. Extreeeeemely Gung-Ho New Guyyyyyy!) **** Calling All Mobsters Where the Fuck Did Ya Go? Rant by Reporter Kettle Dear Mobsters, It's me, Kettle. I started my per- erm, I mean... uhhhh. Scratch that. Lets start over. Dear Mobsters, It's me, Kettle. I'm afraid for us. I'm afraid for our world. Perhaps that may seem a little over-dramatic, but lets think about this for a second, ladies and gentlemen. One month ago, maybe less than that, the Streets were freaking jam packed with activity. People were motivated, people were excited. Changes had been made, the world was building itself upward. On every corner a new speech was being made and everyone, despite background, status, rank, family, race, color or religion were participating. Business districts took a large spike, even OOC Avenue was a neat place to hang out. Free Hot Dog Tuesdays were slowly becoming the next greatest thing while local 'artistes' completed their performance pieces regardless of who was watching. And then... perhaps it was over the past four weeks but to me it seems like the past two in particular... things tapered off. No one cared to make that speech in the Street anymore. No one had anything to say in OOC Avenue. Even the local city businesses were taking the brunt of this strange absence of activity. Nothing but shattered dreams, newspaper prints floating carelessly and abandoned on a whisper of wind, and a fuck-load of uneaten hot dogs on Tuesdays. Now, I understand this is a hard time for all of us Americans. The economy has taken a turn for a worse, but somehow above it all we Mobsters have managed to make a decent living for years upon years. We can, and will, get out of this great amount of depression. (See what I did there? Oh so smooth.) Things like this in the past have never stopped us before. So why, I ask, did it all suddenly stop? I miss it, and I'm sure many of you miss it as well. Yet what can we do to change it? Hell, I'm always for the bitching. What can I do about it anyway? There will always be moaners and people who point their fingers; sadly they are unemployed and therefore we don't really give a shit about them. But for the rest of us- what do we do if we want to see something around here spark and catch flames? Are we merely in some strange stasis where we all scatter like cockroaches at the breaking of light? Or is there a deeper, more meaningful reason for what is going on right now? Yep, you all guessed it: Alien invasion. Run for your lives, Mafiosi. Oh, or better yet, get your asses out there and make a change. Yes, one person can make a difference. Kind of like the one kid in your grade-school class who gave all the others lice. **** G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S If You Ain't Got No Talent Take Your Broke Ass Home Article by Reporter Black Black: So how is everyone today? Kettle: My head hurts Pot: Maybe you should stop falling down stairs Kettle: Maybe you should stop getting knocked up! Pot: I'm sorry all the guys think you are UGLY. Kettle: I'm beautiful! Black: Wow, we are already more exciting then that BuddahArmani show. There's been a new entertainment compound seen roaming our cities that sport the motto "(Don't like it? Too fucking bad, it's not going anywhere)". Well, that sounds a bit familiar. Think they were inspired by Tea Time a little? Where is my head? This is a man's world, even if all the women do everything better. The editors at Tea Time hired SunshineButtercup to go undercover and discover the secrets of the up and coming- and not doing a very good job at keeping us entertained- Radio Show. Guess what? They weren't very nice to poor little annoying SunshineButtercup. Armani ignored her twice in a contest the Radio Show was putting out. He later answered the same question that was asked by another member of the community right away. Talk about discrimination. Was it because she is only twelve years old, that she is a girl or that she wasn't in the radio show's "clique"? We may never know. Besides their rude gestures to the community the Radio Show (does it even have a name?) is put out for the producers BuddahBear and Armani to gain some public glory. We clap to that at Tea Time; actually we don't. Here at Tea Time we do what we do because we are good at it, we like to see the community involved and we aren't conceited whores. A few props do go out to BuddahBear for attempting at putting out something entertaining (even if you copied a few things here and there from Tea Time, we'll look past that, we are good people). It's his partner, Armani, whose father was the late and ugly Adamine, that will be the show's downfall. He's rude, inconsiderate, can't tell the difference between reality and the dream world we call OOC. Yeah, you can turn this back around on the ladies of Tea Time and say they do the same thing, but at least they admit it. A few words of advice to you crazy radio guys that might help your dream come true and become the best entertainment of our streets: 1. Involve more people than just crew leaders and right hands in your radio shows. Regular gangsters, thugs, earners, etc. like to see themselves and their friends in the show. 2. When you put out a contest you may want to finish up with that contest or event. 3. If you are going to act like you are a bad ass, act like you are a bad ass. If you believe in your radio show you will die for it. 4. Get your own motto. **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities Obits While walking home in a drunken stuper Enforcer, an earner from Don Iris' family, took a few too many steps into a very large deep hole. In the morning construction workers found him dead. Grant_Allen had a thing for birds, while feeding his birds outside his New York apartment a large eagle came and picked him up and then dropped him...to his death. This is why your parents always told you not to do drugs, you'll end up like BigFatWeedSack. Yes he was big and fat, dumb and stupid and full of weed, but not a good person. We won't miss you BFDA. Engagements After the birth of their new baby girl, VagInATube and Riley confessed their love for each other and decide to elope. The wedding is scheduled for next week Monday. Tea Time will be having exclusive coverage on the marriage of the year! -You- and PsychoMantis have been seen at the best Chicago bakery picking out a wedding cake. Sources say -You- and Psycho have been an under the radar couple for awhile now. Are they letting us see their love or was it a slip up? Love is in the air this week. After getting out of the opera with long time girlfriend Maxie, Seraphim takes her out to coffee and gives her a ring. Friends say the rock is huge! Maxie will have no trouble punching anyone's lights out ever. Personal Ads S/F who has given up on men is looking for S/F. If interested contact Naamah. S/M stud looking for a good night out on the town with a sexy young S/F. If interested contact Prem_is_Sexy. M looking for easy love. Benefits included. If interested contact Liam_The_Mute Births Iris' sister gave birth to two baby girls on Saturday evening. The mob boss was seen bringing two matching pink blankets and large congratulation balloons into the hospital. Sources say one of the babies is named after Aunty Iris. **** We're All Cooler Than You Giving Props to Cool Names that Start with 'F' Random by Reporter Kettle Dum-dum-dum-dee-dum-dum! Oh wait, it's not 'D' day? Oh, then, uh... "Fee! Fi! Foe! Fum!" As you can tell I'm more than excited to present the F's today. A lot of great words start with F, and, unfortunately, a lot of great Mobsters have names that start with F's. Immediately eliminating FlyingPig that asshole for being the litigation counsel that is acting on behalf of the Plaintiff suing Tea Time, we were still left with a large helping of names. After a careful elimination process we finally came up with the list. And now... are you excited? The Coolest Mobster Names Starting with 'F': * FabrizioGambino: I don't know about you, but his name sounds like some sort of gumbo. Mmm mmm mmm! Lets dig in! * Fallowfield: Like some long lost alternate title to a movie called Cloverfield, which has not yet been filmed nor casted nor even dreamed up yet and won't be for at least several more decades and by then most of us will be long dead, this guy's name evokes a bit of a chill in the spine. Oh yeah, feel that? Fallowfield's coming to fucking get you. * FCUK: Hehehehehehe. Heeeeeeeeehehehehe! If you honestly can't figure this name out, you're definitely too cute and sheltered to be in the Mob, so go find a new profession. * Finalizer: Do not, and I repeat DO NOT, mess with this guy! His name means something dark and angry is waiting for you should you piss him off. Friend, you'll be finalized. * Furio: This guy's name makes him sound PISSED! And not drunk for those of you of European descent. More like mad as Hell and out to shoot a couple of hookers in the face (not like that, gross) just because he can get away with it because no one really cares about hookers. Yeah. Ohhhh boy oh boy! That was fun! Check back in next week for the 'G's! **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The eight compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received a small response. Tea Time asked our readers, "Two Consig City Heads left?! Who will be the first to get Don?" The results are in!: after 19 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 68.4% of the overall votes, that it was Marietta who would squeeze out their Don promotion from the Godfather of her city first. Let me be the first to both congratulate and shun Mont, for completely fucking up my survey. Wow, great job. You have just depressed a poor little girl beyond belief. I hope you felt happy as people were kissing your new bling, erm, ring, knowing in the back of your mind you couldn't just wait like five more days so the results on this wouldn't be swayed at all. Oh well. No seriously, congrats. To see records of the poetry written for these two new Dons, check this leaflet here. So, once more, congrats Don Mont. To those who voted on Marietta, consider yourselves utter failures at life, because even though she was picked she was not the first CL to become Don Our second question last week was a little more confusing, it turns out. There was a contradiction in the question and dear Lordy it's not our fault the editor was drunk... per usual. Anyway, we asked our readers, "Despite what they say, respect *is* a two way Street. Or are we wrong? Tell us, mobsters: are Crew Leaders, Right Hands and Left Hands exempt from the 'respect' rule?" The results are in!: after 16 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 56.3% of the votes, that No, the Higher Ups in the world are not exempt from respecting people. Perhaps the best answer we received on this matter, even pointing out that the question barely made sense, states: "The question is poorly formed. It is not a matter of position. It is a matter of power. Respect is NOT a two way street. This should be common sense to anyone who is not brain damaged, but some children still insist on believing fairy tales. A mafia Don does not have to respect some drunken bum laying in the gutter, but that bum better respect the Don. Right there, is your proof that respect is not a two way street. If it were, the Don would have to respect the bum. This is an extreme example, but the concept holds true in less extreme scenarios. You can earn respect, or you can demand respect. If you cannot do either, then you will not be respected, but you will still have to respect those who have the power to demand it, or you might be wearing cement shoes. It's the mafia, not the playground." Wise, wise words. The rest of what everyone had to say can be found in this leaflet here. Well, seems as if the general populous believes that Crew Leaders are not exempt from respecting people, but considering the angle that many brought in (being power), we're going to have to call this research inconclusive. And no, we were not targeting FlyingPig in our quest to find out if Crew Leaders, RHs and LHs are exempt from respect. Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "So, what do you think? The current activity level in the Streets- do we have a good amount, or do we need more?" The results are in! A small group of people, fourteen to be exact, responded to our Open Forum question this week. As a subject very close to the hearts of many around our Tea Time staff, what we saw in the ten responses were in some ways encouraging and in some ways shocking. Seems like we all need to band together to make an effort, and check this leaflet here to see why. So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** Contest Results Wow, We Pretty Much Fucking Hate You Stats by Reporter Kettle Yeah, I said it. We reallllly fucking hate you people. Eight million in prizes, and you have no motivation to lift your fat fingers for ten minutes to cash in? Pathetic. Either way, we had extra cash to go shoe shopping, so we can't be too angry. We reporters were just told to mention it at every moment possible to really rub it in your faces. In the end, though, there were a few people who participated in the contests. Or at least, a few of them. Below we decided to write in the results or standings or whatev, just to be all fair and stuff. The first contest, WTF by Reporter Sugar, recieved zero entries. Wow. Thank you all very much, 500K for me. The second contest, It's a Boy It's a Girl by Editor SunshineButtercup received one entry. Congrats to PERSON, you have just walked away with 250K. Thanks for participating! The third contest, Glam Hour by Heidi Hoels, recieved zero entries. 300K for me no problem-o. The fourth contest, We Be Jammin'- or the Tea Time logo contest- by Editor Marietta, received no entries as well. Bummer guys, I really wanted to give away that cash. Mine for now! Fifth contest, you might ask? Hagatha's Ninth Marriage Contest by Hagatha herself received no participants. Thanks guys. Her wedding is now in a shambles and you only have yourselves to blame. Next on the list? The sixth contest, Roses are Red, the poem contest by Editor Lily, had, well would you look at that! Zero participants! Lily, go buy yourself some shoes. The How Well Do You Know Tea Time Scavenger Hunt was next in seventh, with only one participant. Congrats to Hayley for getting all the answers right. Another scavenger hunt, How Well Do You Know The Girls? by Reporter Kettle met... I think you all know how this goes by now. The last minute Easter Egg contest only had one person to find them all and complete the form. Congratulations again to Hayley. We've wired an extra present to your vault, because we love you so much right now it's unreal. And since we put so much effort into that Easter Egg one, I thought it would be nice to include the pictures on these following leaflets: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 The answers? Oh screw you all. They'll be buried with me and long forgotten for eternity. I'm too depressed to share them with you all. For shame. **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a large helping of public praise, yay! What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! The names were drawn, and the winners are: Strabo, LilWayne and Riley! Congratulations to our tenth handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! (NOTE: Constructive answers only. Getting a little tired of being told you're gunna cut us, or we're cunts, or whatever. If you have a problem you can send us mail to Tea Time: Reporter Heidi Hoels c/o Marietta.) Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! Weigh-In Twenty-One Weigh-In Twenty-Two Open Thought Forum Eleven **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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Marietta sneezes as she holds up an issue in her hands. Brushing at her face with the back of her free hand, she narrows her eyes at the gathered crowd. Her vision takes on a slight blur and she blinks several times to clear the fog. Oh my, she states, my apologies. I'm rather under the weather today. In saying that, I'd also like to make a change to the paper. In the article Contest Results I made a mistake. The name of the "It's a Boy, It's a Girl!" contest winner was not, in fact, PERSON. It was actually Gregory_SpitZ who was the winner. Congrats, sir! |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Oct 01, '08 01:20 | |
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My only question How much did Mr. FlyingPig cost per hour for such a frivolous court case? And how much of that 200k did Mr. Pig take? |
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| Reply by: PsychoMantis at Oct 01, '08 01:46 | |
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Why are you so interested in my finances, Mr Mantis? Be careful where you stick that nose, it might get chopped off. I will say this much, it was a contingency fee. Nice edition, err....ladies *cough*. I use that term loosely. Pun intended. I kid, I kid. That's no way to talk to the mothers of my children. It's nice to see you not apologizing for hurting anyone's feelings. Keep this in mind for future editions: If at least one person doesn't write to you wishing death upon you or telling you that you are horrible bitches, then your paper probably sucked. As usual, I thank you for the entertainment and look forward to the next edition. My client, King Cav, also thanks you for bringing the litigation to a prompt end. He may now begin the healing process and try to get back his career. |
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| Reply by: FlyingPig at Oct 01, '08 01:58 | |
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| Great show, But im not lazy, just lethargic, there is a huge difference. | |
| Reply by: Shagggyd at Oct 01, '08 02:25 | |
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Great show...keep it comming (ooc) I've never once read a whole paper but stats are stats right? |
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| Reply by: Riley at Oct 01, '08 02:39 | |
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I vote 7 Will you be my wife??? |
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| Reply by: BigMike at Oct 01, '08 02:46 | |
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She smiles and gives the girls their way to go pats on the ass and a tin of cookies each Absolutely shitty read! Horrible! Disgusting! Trash in our streets! We must war now to make people happy and so they won't be bored! Because we all know it's the leaders' faults that people are bored. It's not like they can get off their own fucking asses and do something to entertain themselves and the masses by being vocal and active! On a serious note, fantastic read as always my dears. The cheque is in the mail. She winks and wanders off to go deal with shit. |
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| Reply by: Iris at Oct 01, '08 02:59 | |
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Mmm. Another great show, great work SunshineButtercup. Love it. Are you planning of making another on. If you are, then i can wait to read it. Good luck. XOXOXOXOXO LOVE IT! |
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| Reply by: Red_NecZ at Oct 01, '08 04:30 | |
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| I was a winner Thank you ladies. I love the work, cant wait for next weeks one. | |
| Reply by: LilWayne at Oct 01, '08 11:45 | |
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As stated before, a fantastic read. Keep them coming you ladies of the Tea! Easily the most interesting news column about these days |
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| Reply by: PsychoMantis at Oct 01, '08 13:52 | |
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Goes to the bar with Cav.. drinking and eating for free.. thanks to Tea Time! Thanks ladies! |
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| Reply by: StripheCorelli at Oct 01, '08 16:33 | |
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In reply to boobies Never Felt so Joyless Well lets get this crap sorted out right now. "boobies was reported to have offered a seven-figure sum to a notorious descendant of the Clipper family." bullshit, boobies offered nothing, he returned money previously sent to him. not a single cent was from his own earnings. "Why boobies felt compelled to shell out the cash has still to be explained, but one has to wonder, why didn't he offer that money to, say, his family head?" em because it was not his money??? How about people come and ask me what happened before they go running their mouths off. |
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| Reply by: boobies at Oct 01, '08 19:18 | |
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In reply to boobies Never Felt so Joyless Well lets get this crap sorted out right now. "boobies was reported to have offered a seven-figure sum to a notorious descendant of the Clipper family." bullshit, boobies offered nothing, he returned money previously sent to him. not a single cent was from his own earnings. "Why boobies felt compelled to shell out the cash has still to be explained, but one has to wonder, why didn't he offer that money to, say, his family head?" em because it was not his money??? How about people come and ask me what happened before they go running their mouths off. |
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| Reply by: boobies at Oct 01, '08 19:18 | |
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It's a shame you feel that way, boobies, but my reporters write it as they see it. Running our mouths off? Hardly. We're here to shed an unpleasant light on anything, from the lowest sanitation workers to the biggest and brightest of C.E.O.s in this Thing of Ours. Either way, blowing up at us is probably, most likely, not the answer to all of your woes. You just so happened to be this week's news. Thanks for the feedback, though! |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Oct 01, '08 19:40 | |
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Nice read, especially the "King Cav Is A Total Prick" article. Im glad this finally worked out, the $200,000 will be donated to the "Gamblers Anonymous Foundation" . Im sure we all know someone with a gambling problem. Thanks -King Cav |
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| Reply by: King_Cav at Oct 01, '08 19:59 | |
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I took the surveys this week, and I really hope to God that they are anonymous, because I don't want you to shoot me. Great read again this week girls. When I grow up, I want to be you. Or something like that. |
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| Reply by: Amber at Oct 01, '08 20:47 | |
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Chuckles to himself as he sips from his hip flask You ladies are *hic* possibly the *hic* cutest, most intelligent, supreme writers of*hic* the *hichic* world! Walks away muttering about some strong water in his hip flask |
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| Reply by: GermanSolistice at Oct 01, '08 22:23 | |
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Amber, rest assured that the surveys are totally anonymous. No, we're not going to shoot you. boobies- Aww little guy, don't cry. hands boobies a tissue to dry his eyes. Try reading any one of the million disclaimers in our paper. |
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| Reply by: Lily at Oct 03, '08 04:56 | |
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| Great job you ladies are amazing. | |
| Reply by: NoOdle at Oct 03, '08 05:43 | |
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