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| Tales from the Mafia: Episode I | Started by: Taskmaster on Oct 03, '08 12:03 |
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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen... and Henry_Jung. I'm your host, the Taskmaster, master of all, um, tasks. Tonight's episode of Tales from the Mafia is full of intrigue, mystery, horror, and cake. Wait, someone ate the cake, so scratch that. Regardless, tonight's episode is entitled: EPISODE I: The Phantom Gangster. But first, a word from our sponsor. New! Clipper Brand Douche Bags! Ladies, do you ever get that "not so fresh" feeling, you know, down there? Try new Clipper Brand Douche Bags! The ultra-tough rubber polymer can resist even the most caustic environments. It holds up to three liters of liquid refreshment. It's insulated sidewalls keep hot liquids hot and cold liquids cold. The Clipper Brand Douche Bag also comes with an enema attachment! Constipated? Of course you are! Then the Clipper Brand Douche Bag is for you, too! Simply fill the bag with the laxative of your choice, insert, and squeeze! Your colon will be so clean, you could eat out of it! When it comes to Douche Bags and Assholes, Clipper is #1!! And now, our story. Midnight, New York City. A rich couple, Poindexter and Mildred Payne are leaving the theatre, with their young son, Dick. Suddenly, a mugger springs from the shadows with a gun. Poindexter Payne tries to resist, but he and his wife are gunned down in the street, leaving young Dick Payne orphaned. Twenty years later... Super-wealthy socialite Dick N. Payne has dedicated his life to training, wishing, hoping to avenge his parent's murders. As he sits in his sitting room, sitting, a bat flies in the open window. He leaps from the chair. "Holy shit! There's a damn bat in my house!" He grabs a nearby fireplace poker and starts swinging at the bat. After breaking several vases and knocking a hole in the wall, he knocks the bat out of the air, then pounds it with the poker. "Die, you flying rat!! Damn, I hate bats." He scoops up the bat corpse and throws it out the window. It lands on the hood of a car, pulling into the drive. It's a police car, driven by Commissioner Hordon and his sidekick, Detective Smalldic. "What the hell, Payne? That's government property! Hey, that bat was an endangered species! You're under arrest!" Three years later... Dick Payne returns home, after a three year incarceration for cruelty to animals, violation of the endangered species act, vandalism, and hunting without a license. "I hate the justice system. They can go to hell. I'm going to become a criminal, like the one that killed my parents, even though that doesn't really make any sense. I'll be a super rich criminal, and avenge my ridiculous jail sentence." So, even though it made no sense whatsoever, Dick N. Payne decided to become a criminal. And not avenge his parent's deaths. Even though he already had loads of cash. Donning a black mask made from nylons, he quickly made a name for himself on the streets. He could afford the best weapons, the best tools, and he evaded the cops easily. He soon became known as THE PHANTOM GANGSTER. While on patrol for easy marks one night, he spotted a man in an expensive suit. He instantly recognized the man that killed his parents. He lept from the shadows, pistols drawn, murder in his eyes. The man jumped back and drew his own gun. "Y-you're the Phantom Gangster! Holy shit, Phantom! I love your work!" "What? What the hell?" "Phantom, man, I'm here to recruit you. I'm a made man from Don Totawini's crew. We're the friggin' mob, man!" "Join... the mob? But you killed my parents!" "Phantom, seriously. If I had a nickel for every kid that told me that, I'd be a millionaire, like that douchebag Dick Payne. You look pissed. Lemme tell you, you shoot me, the mob comes down on you hardcore. I'm a made man. But, you join us, I put in a word for you, you're in good with the boss. One day, maybe you get made, maybe you'll even take me down. But now, it's time to join the family. Capiche?" The Phantom Gangster nodded, and followed the Made Man away. Five years later... A newspaper headline reads: PHANTOM GANGSTER PULLS DARING ARMORED CAR ROBBERY!!! Dick Payne kicks back in his chair. He lights a cigar with a $100 bill and laughs. Behind him, on a wall, are taxidermied deer heads. Exotic animals line the room, except for one place, right above the fireplace. The plaque reads "Parent's Killer" and the Made Man's head is proudly displayed. In the corner, a man stands, unmoving. It becomes clear that he, too, has been stuffed. His plaque reads "Mafia Boss". There's a knock at the door and Payne pushes a button that opens it. "Don Payne, is there something you need?" "Yeah, Guido, get some of the boys and load this money into the safe. And make sure that everyone has their Phantom Gangster masks, I don't want anyone pulling any jobs without wearing one." So, Dick N. Payne is now the Don of New York. And all the gangsters are Phantom Gangsters. Looks like he got his vengeance after all. I wonder who he got to stuff those corpses. He must have Norman Bates as a taxidermist. If you ask me, the guy needs a butler and maybe a sidekick. An expendable sidekick. I'll see you next week with another episode of Tales from the Mafia! |
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Claps enthusiastically Great episode, really intriguing. Can't wait for the next one! |
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| Reply by: GermanSolistice at Oct 03, '08 12:09 | |
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She spits her coffee out laughing, making a mess all over her current advertising projects. Oh goodness, the Clipper Douchebag sounds like a very universal item that everyone should have! You know, just in case of.. Emergency. Fantastic story dear, I can't wait for Episode 2! |
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| Reply by: Iris at Oct 03, '08 12:10 | |
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Very nice, I enjoyed it that alot. And Cant wait for the next one. Keep up the good work. |
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| Reply by: LilWayne at Oct 03, '08 12:22 | |
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| Dick N. Payne, Clipper brand douche bags. Subtlety is truly your strong point TaskMaster. A briliant piece. Had me rolling. Keep the Tales coming. | |
| Reply by: Azuela at Oct 03, '08 12:52 | |
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| "damn good tale enjoyed it the bat had to be the funnest thing ever. Holy shit a bat hahahaha | |
| Reply by: JamesGandolfini at Oct 03, '08 13:19 | |
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| I enjoyed that, had a nice little chuckle. Good work keep them coming. | |
| Reply by: NoOdle at Oct 03, '08 18:19 | |
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