The Calamari - First Edition, November 5th 2012

Words from Godfather Squidmaster

This newspaper has made me proud to say that Chicago has taken off the way I dreamed it would have. With great people along side, there is nothing that can't be achieved. If you dream big and work hard; dreams come true. Let that be a reminder to all those who enjoy the stories and excerpts of interviews this shall bring. I know The Calamari will not be a disappointing read. -SquidMaster-

Small Fry: From The Editor

Welcome one and welcome all to our very first edition of The Calamari; a brand new toilet bible publication brought to you from the depths of Chicago.

You'll find we bring you the latest news in The Big Bite: Tasty Tentacle Talk, not to mention our weekly Toothpicks where you can read all about what really gripes some of our mobsters and weekly 'Classy and Classifieds', putting the spotlight on the best shops to visit no matter where you are, plus whatever wares/services mobsters want to flaunt...even if it's their bodies. As your editor, I'm happy to take all enquiries, comments and suggestions - this is YOUR paper, so make of it what you will.

Enjoy!

The Big Bite: Tasty Tentacle Talk

Revolving Door: As Death Comes A-Knocking, One Leader Remains

This week witnessed a bizarre turn of events as Detroit appeared to be kicking itself in the head repeatedly; mafiosi looked on in horror as civil war gripped the city and claimed a number of lives.

Several took to the streets in order to declare their opinion; one man, largely unknown to the masses, confused onlookers as he ranted about the merits of rapper Ludacris. Mobsters and civilians alike observed for a short time, but soon turned their attention to Detroit Crewleader Revolve as he arrived to take his moment in the spotlight, having survived the battle to tell the tale. Delivering the news of TyrionLannister's untimely demise and the decision to remove LudariousCane from power, Revolve provided the gist of the event with dignity and expressed his thanks to all involved, inviting the homeless casualties to take shelter within his own HQ if they so wished.

As the crowd dissipated, the loss of Tyrion and Ludarius reverberated like a shockwave across the cities; still, hope springs eternal that Detroit will march forward in unity and prosperity to rebuild itself.

Chicago Reborn: Chewing The Cash Cow Cud

With Squidmaster's recent appointment as Godfather of Chicago and the subsequent authorisation of Timothy_Petrov and SpaceCowboy, The Windy City is now settling into an exciting period of reinvention and reanimation; new Mafia families, a brand spanking new casino - Squidmaster's The Golden Squid - and new business ventures all point to Chicago as a newborn Cash Cow in the making.

A recent influx of promising new associates has added muscle power to the Chicago Crime Syndicate and with it, a sense of anticipation for what lies ahead for the city. Reliable sources state that many plans are afoot and will be implemented under the watchful eye of Godfather Squidmaster as he and his trusty comrades steer the helm of the Chicagoan Ship into limitless horizons.

We caught up with one of Timothy_Petrov's finest, GoldenGun, to get the scoop on how he feels to be a part of it all:

Editor: GoldenGun, you recently enjoyed your Made ceremony and initiation into one of Chicago's newest families,The Borgata. How does it feel to be standing on the cusp of great things for your city?

GoldenGun: [frantically licking a spoon and seeming somewhat distracted] Yeah. Mmmmm. Yeah it's fabulous...just fabulous. Tastes metallic, firey...[GoldenGun looks directly at me]...hot. [I squirm a little, distinctly uncomfortable in the knowledge that there is something slightly carnal going on between this man and his spoon. GoldenGun shivers like a dog shaking off a refreshing rain and smiles.]

Yes, yes. I'm thrilled to be a part of Chicago right now, and I'm fortunate to be a part of Mr_Petrov's family. He's a good man, a skilled leader and turns a blind eye to my, uhm...quirks. I intend to do all I can to make this city great and I do so in the knowledge that I am supported by a tight-knit leadership. Good times ahead. Good times. And spoons.

Editor: Thanks GoldenGun. I'll let you get back to...whatever it is you were doing.

So, with some frankly enigmatic (and potentially terrifying) personalities, Chicago looks forward to bright prospects in This Thing Of Ours. We'll be keeping tabs on all the latest here at The Calamari, but will perhaps avoid interaction with GoldenGun during his downtime in the future.

Toothpicks: What's Stuck In Your Teeth?

This week's Toothpick is brought to you by BigDaddy and GoldenGun (seems he likes to get around...) from Timothy_Petrov's The Borgata. It seems the pair are locked in an unlikely race to Don, with GoldenGun coming up on BigDaddy's rear amidst threats of how he intends to 'whip it and whip it good.'

However, BigDaddy remains unnerved by the pesky pistol and plans on using his sheer girth to shunt GoldenGun from his behind before thundering across the finish line.

''Ain't nobody rides BigDaddy without a candelit dinner and a few glasses of smooth, smooth wine first,'' he exclaimed when we asked him to comment. ''GoldenGun gon' get schooled, he gon' get shut down, amma gon' beast that bitch, UGH!''

And Finally...

As a last note, we'd like to invite you to advertise with us here at The Calamari. As the Business District Manager for Chicago, our editor often roams the districts and has a nose for those making it big, and with that she intends to give a little publicity to these joints each week in our 'Classy and Classifieds' section.
However, if you would like to advertise your own business (or anything else!), you can do so by contacting LilacDelaney. Normally, this will involve a small charge as we cover the cost of reviewing your business and putting together a splendid ad. But, being the ever-generous lovelies that we are, we're offering this service at no charge for the next three editions of The Calamari. Just stop by Lilac's office and have a word if you'd like to take advantage of this offer - it won't last forever!

Timothy grabs a copy of Chicago's latest printing and reads carefully through all the columns while seated leisurely in the local cafe. A waiter brings him a cup of coffee as he sits and enjoys the remainder of the afternoon catching up on the recent happenings across the 7 cities.

"I must say that Lilac Delaney sure knows how to put together an entertaining read." He thinks to himself. "Looks like I'll have to keep my eyes open for the next edition to keep in the know on the word on the streets." He smiles and tips the waiter before getting up to continue his days errands.

Lee Van Cleef also grabs a copy and walks down to the nearest cafe and orders a big coffee and a bagel. He sit's down near Tomothy and starts reading his paper.

'Sure was an exiting week in Detroit' he say's

Lee sips his coffee and takes a bite from his bagel as he reads the other collums.

'Well, now that i am updated i better get back to work..gotta get myself a new suit'

Lee tips his hat and leaves the cafe.

Its nice to see a paper return to the streets. Well written, well published. I hope the masses enjoy it, and I for one look forward to the next issue to hit our fair streets.

Hey Lilac! I really enjoyed this paper of yours, you did an excellent job on it. Keep up the good work and can't wait to read your next issue!

I'm delighted that it has been so well received. Thanks everyone, I look forward to continuing with it!

Lilac! very nice read, nicely presented. Well done, keep up the good work.

~takes a minute to read and digest the paper.  the bits on detroit and chicago are really what he was looking for, and was thrilled to see him, even though he was hoping for a bit more information, it was still helpful.  And while a small part of him was hoping to see L.A. mentioned, the rest of him knows its probably better for the city if its not mentioned.  before putting the paper down on his desk, he makes a note to keep an eye out for the next edition, in hopes it will be just as good as this one.~

Nice i missed the papers im glad to see its return at the hands of a skilled editor.

Very good.

As he sat on the bench reading the latest entertainment he chuckled a bit as he flipped the pages. The weather was starting to get cooler as you could smell the burning fires from the stoves, furnaces and trash cans from the ally right behind him

I enjoy the entertainment and something to read personally and I am waiting for a second issue. I know we all are laying low because of the durdens so I gotta run but good issue

He rolled up the newspaper and placed it underneath his arm while he stood up and jumped into a limo that quickly pulled up

Mr. Albert skips along the streets to reach over the local paper. He sees a new paper along side of the usual paper he gets. Mr. Albert decides to pick up the new paper and takes a skip along the streets as he reads. Reading upon it turns out to be a Mafia Newspaper. Haven't seen one of these in such a long time. Remembering the days with Sweeney to write this. But, that's the past.

As a huge supporter of the paper, I love to see more of these to come upon the streets please. I love to keep inform in my busy schedule, you know?

Lilac overhears Mr_Albert's comments and beams a smile.

''So glad you enjoyed it! I can confirm that the second edition will be hitting news-stands this coming Monday.''

Walking down the street with a cigar in mouth T-Man sees a little child handing out newspapers.

"Get the best paper in America" The little child shouts.

T-Man walks closer to the child, The voice of the child is getting louder as T-Man approaches the newspaper stand.T-Man walked over and snaps the paper out of the child's hand. T-Man looks around for a bench, when he spots a brown bench across the road. T-Man quickly runs across the road narrowly avoiding the Ford Deluxe by a couple of inches. Eventually T-Man reached the bench and sat down. T-Man began flicking through the newspaper until finally he finished it.

"The Calamari what a great paper, Lilac I can't wait to read the next edition!"

An excellent job, really.

An excellent job, really. Congratulations, Lilac.

CASH_MONEY snatches a copy of the paper from a passed out homeless man. She also picked up the bottle he had been drinking from and shook it, greeted with a little sloshing in the bottom. Yes! She sipped from it while walking out of the back alley while flipping through the paper.

Once she was done with it she felt a bit more educated to what was actually happening in the world these days. CASH_MONEY didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing so she decided that it was a thing at least and knew that she wanted more things. More papers! She found a piece of paper, dirty, but with room to write on it.

Dear whoever writes The Calamari,

Please write more.

Sincerely a loving fan.

CASH_MONEY put the piece of paper in the nearest post box without any postage, but she had good faith it would get to the correct persons in due time.