The Big Bite: Tasty Tentacle Talk
Who, When, Where and...What?!
So. We all saw at least one of the clues, but only a select few were bold enough to participate. Los Angeles' WhereamL launched a contest that can only be described as one of a kind, inviting mobsters from all over to collect a trail of clues (provided throughout 8 nights of drunken nudity and debauchery...which we all like) in order to solve a series of puzzles.
The winner stood to receive a jaw-dropping $8million as a reward; as it transpired, that reward was thoroughly well earned. We stopped by the office of Don Cory_Chase to grab a word:
''Overall, we had a great and fun competition. We had at least 2 people from every city trying to figure out the hints and then it broke down into what we really wanted to happen. Some people looked at it as too hard or not worth their time when they found the coded puzzle. But the enjoyable thing of it all is seeing the people that dig deep to find what they are really looking for and we had people that did that. Seeing people really use their brain to get their reward... well it is refreshing to see people still participate in these type of things. I am hoping we can do something new in the future out of representation of L.A. to keep the community from finding its way to boredom. Even if it is the small things, it is bonding to a point. For instance, I had the pleasure to meet you and talk to you during the duration of the competition. That is something that you can't break, and that is the little things gathered from these things.''
A rip-roaring success then, not only for LA and the winning participants, but for the sake of good old sportsmanship (take note, Sammo_Hung - sportsmanship does not need to involve nipple twisting). To all those that took part, we salute you: our editor attempted to decipher one or two of the clues but became painfully distracted by smell of rum emanating from outside her office. She was later discovered on all fours, chasing a cat and claiming it had ''the answer'', when really all it had was a nasty dose of fleas.
Don Cory_Chase, many thanks for your time and we all look forward to seeing what LA comes up with next!
Kanye_West Brings The G.O.O.D Life To Detroit
Another day, another dollar - and authorisation - for Kanye_West as he packed his bags, fondled some freshly-cut keys and opened the doors to his very own HQ in The Motor City, inviting the support of all as he seeks to ''Get Out all Our Dreams''.
The aptly named G.O.O.D family join Consigliere Revolve and The Revolution* in rebuilding Detroit and marching it forward to fertile pastures new.
Lilac was lucky enough to catch a moment with Kanye_West despite his hectic schedule to ask how he felt about the move:
''...I just wish to help Revolve build Detroit into a great city. I believe we both can do amazing things in the city. I'm excited to work with him, and make Detroit into the Motor City we all know and love.''
Simple words, but words that nonetheless speak volumes. Kanye_West, Revolve and the City of Detroit: we wish you good fortune and prosperity in your onward journey!
[*Sidenote: We would like to share that not only do we report the news - we also enlighten fluffy-brained coffee ladies. Lilac noticed Wanda - our coffee lady - muttering ''Revolve and The Revolution'' over and over to herself in the staff bathroom. In a sequence of wild rotating gestures, she demonstrated the link to the woman and was pleased to witness the light of dawn as another braincell was born.]
Toothpicks: What's Stuck In Your Teeth?
Bad hair? There's just no excuse, as plainly stated by our new contributor. Ladies and gentlemen, with the crime-fighting power of Zeus and the aroma of a male Aphrodite, we present to you the strongest of pimp hands, BlackSuperman!
Thank you, Ms. Delaney, for contacting me to contribute to your fine publication. I was flattered to have been asked, much like you probably were when I accepted [Ed: I swooned like a schoolgirl]. There's more to being a hero than merely fighting crime and attracting ladies. Good hair is equally important, and I applaud your keen eye for noticing its importance.
What's amazing to me is how people can invest so much time, energy, and money into acquiring massive fleets of bodyguard, littering their suits with stupidity, and then completely ignore their hair. Many mafioso don't even wash their hair properly, and settle for rinsing in some crummy HQ basin on an irregular basis. Those that do take the time to cleanse their hair, often counter that energy by placing some smelly, sweat drenched fedora hat on their head. While these silly hats may be considered fashionable now, they make your hair oily and greasy. Not worth it for a style that will most likely be out by 1940.
I on the other hand (pimp hand) make sure my hair is consistently nourished with essential minerals and moisturizers. This is why you often see ladies asking me, "BlackSuperman, can I run my fingers through your luxurious hair?" or "Can I have your baby?" I'll often oblige if their hands have recently been washed thoroughly with a decent soap, but a far as making a baby, that would require an inspection of the lady's feet first. I refuse to bring a baby into this world with a woman who has bad feet. Feet are important, you see, but that's a conversation for another time.
Speaking of feet I can't help but notice how pretty and delicate your feet are, Ms. Delaney. Between my hair and your feet, our babies would be beautiful. I give an excellent foot massage too. Much like any superhero worth his salt, I keep my pimp hand both soft and strong. Never know when a sore-footed maiden may need their feet rubbed by a hero.
Quite simply, guys and gals...we have nothing else to add. What you just read is immensity itself.
And Finally...Merchants of Menace (Grrrrrrr!)
People of our cities, please unite in locking up every last one of your spoons. We care not if you are forced to eat your soup with a fork and stir your coffee with your finger - this warning is for your own good. Spoons are no longer safe. Why? We'll tell you why: GoldenGun is officially at large and he wants to spoon each and every last one of you...
[Ed: Apologies. We appear to have been misinformed. Please continue reading for a rather less menacing story.]
Ok, ok. This is about a competition. Splendid. So as we heard a few days ago, GoldenGun and the city of Chicago have launched an innovative new competition to lure everyone into shops, pockets, fine-ass threads and the Golden Squid casino in return for several attractive prizes.
The main event invites you all to set up a new business in Chicago in efforts to win Best Business, with three top prizes of $5million, $2million and $1million. In addition, the contest features a number of side events including Best Dressed (Male & Female) and Most Awkward Customer, also with generous prizes to be won.
The competition is now up and running, so grab your glad-rags, your grumpy gambling grandad and your cunning business plan then head over to Chicago stat. The Calamari will be fishing around for the most newsworthy competitors while simultaneously avoiding the steely clutch of GoldenGun and his bizarre fetishes.
Good luck to one and all!
