The Tabloid News – XLIX
Dr. Pickles:  Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Indeed it has been a long time since the offices of The Tabloid News were up and running.  But, as my clinical duties are not as busy as they once were, I have ventured up into the old offices to dust off my type-writer and once more bring the truth behind the lies behind the truth behind the lies behind the truth.  The French Maids are quite busy cleaning up after the last editor, Texas Pickles, who seemed to have left barbecue sauce all over everything.  Or is that blood?  Whatever it is, it’s good on hamburgers.  And, the little Swedish Children are, of course, using the tiny nimble fingers to grease the cogs in the great printing presses.  So, readers rejoice!  The Tabloid News is back.  So . . . on with the news . . .

DR. PICKLES NOT A REAL DOCTOR

This reporter has received the transcripts from the 47 School of Medicine, Bermuda and has discovered Dr. Pickles did not graduate from medical school.  My investigation found this so-called physician spent most of his time in the local bars and brothels instead of the classroom.  It is important that everyone who has received medical treatment from Dr. Pickles to seek treatment from a real doctor.  Also, any women who were waiting to be “examined” by Dr. Pickles should immediately seek out legal council. 

 Ed. Note – The reporter who wrote this came down with a horrible case of the drowning in the river, and was unable to apologize for his dastardly lies.  Unfortunately, the paper went to press before we could catch the error, so we had to scribble out the untrue parts.  We do apologize for any inconvenience.

 PHIL-STEAK WEARS WOMEN’S KNICKERS

Famed New Orleans godfather Phil-Steak, after it was discovered made a horrible street speech about pickles pissing him off, has been also discovered wearing women’s undergarments.  In an exclusive interview with his tailor, Mr. Bernbuam of Bernbaum and 2^nd Cousin’s Clothiers, leaked the secret that Phil likes to wear dainty lacey underthings under his suits.  When asked about these allegations, Mr. Steak immediately hung up on The Tabloid News and fired his secretary for transferring the call to his office.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red Watch,
I didn’t ever graduate the 3^rd grade.  How do I keep The Tabloid News from writing all about this?

Signed, Whitey

Dear Whitey,

First, don’t sign your name.  Second, orange is not the right crayon for a bribe letter.  Third, anyone who does not wish their dirty little secrets to be aired in The Tabloid News may deposit large amounts of money into the account of Dr. Pickles.

Red

 

Dear Red Watch,

I seemed to have developed a rash on my . . . um . . . well, I have a rash.  How do I keep from getting one again?

Signed, Countdown

Dear Countdown,

Next time pay a few extra bucks for higher quality, and you should do better.

Red

LILAC DELANEY ACCUSED OF ANIMAL CRUELTY

Editor of some paper or another, Lilac Delaney, has been accused of the ASPCA for cruelty animals.  Photographs taken by The Tabloid News informants show her with a rather large dog on a leash being spanked with a leather paddle.  Upon further examination of the pictures, it was revealed to be Golden Gun.  A spokesman for the ASPCA says they will “drop the charges.”  However, he also added that he doubts people will be willing to look the couple in the eye at parties again.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Although we at The Tabloid News have very strong opinions about everything (and we are always right), we won’t be telling anyone HOW to vote (unless the candidate pays us to), however, we will encourage everyone to vote . . . . here. 

Ed. Note -  Apparently the Swedish Children did not work all the kinks out of the old printing press, and some of the formatting of my beloved paper got muddled.  They will be swiftly punished, and we do apologize.

I refuse to pay more for such poor service from the homeless woman who begs for change outside the local chicago bars!

BETTER ADVICE PLEASE!

Dear Red Watch,

How do I write with a different colors if I've eaten all the other crayons?

Signed, Whitey

I do love me some cruelty animals ;) Delegation is key!

Fydora just cant stop laughing at the craziness of humor of this paper She figures she will have to keep watch of such things for another paper cause anything this funny is something she just wont be able to pass up. 

This was epic pickles well done ;)

Finaly some truth to all these rumers flying around the place, Damn it Whitey those where my Crayons you said you wouldnt eat them this time.

how about some flavoured magic markers for christmas.

We have a legit newspaper, covering real stories and offering honest insite. The Mafia world seems to enjoy it, for they look forward to the weekly publishings. Then on the flip side, we have Pickles tabloid. A rag tag gossip piece. It's filled with lies, deciet, and slander. Guess what, I love it. Everyone needs a break from reality once in awhile. This offers a chance to take a step back, laugh, and enjoy ourselves for a few minutes. I hope to see more juicy nonsense sooner than later!

everybody deserves a chance to smile. life is too serious otherwise.

we have Pickles tabloid. A rag tag gossip piece. It's filled with lies, deciet, and slander.

Aw shucks, Ragnarok, you're gonna make me blush!

CASH_MONEY picks the tabloid out of Ragnarok's pockets as he's enjoying a good coffee down at the favorite cafe. She swam through the articles quickly, skim reading everything for her name first. The editor, if you could call him that, did try to kill her a few weeks ago. Well, she didn't know that for sure, didn't know if it had been Pickles or someone he had hired or someone that was just jealous of her. At the end of the skimming, hardly reading of any context of the paper CASH_MONEY was a bit annoyed she didn't see her name or any mention of her gloriousness. What was this?

WHAT WAS THIS?!?

She screamed at a tree. CASH_MONEY walked swiftly away, throwing the paper into a trash can. This would seem like she would never read another thing that dirty doctor every put out, but she was going to give it one more shot and wait patiently, plotting, for next weeks issue.