One and all, we at The Calamari would like to announce an official press statement on behalf of our beloved and curvalicious Editor In Chief, Ms Lilac Delaney. This comes in light of recent news issued at the hands of one ''Dr'' Pickles, whom we can only assume gathers his information in the form of poorly translated gossip from his slave children.

We have it on good authority that what his spy actually said was, ''Please, Sir. My hands hurt and I am hungry. I do not like it when you treat me like a dog, beating me with a leather paddle. If this doesn't stop I will go and work for the effervescent Lilac Delaney. She has candy, clothing, a maternal instinct and an entertaining jester named GoldenGun who enjoys cutlery.''

Indeed. Ms Lilac Delaney had the following words to add:

While I am delighted to see the resurrection of The Tabloid News, I find myself increasingly intrigued by Dr Pickles and his tickling fancy that I have cruelty animals. Ladies and gentlemen, I can confirm that the only animal I possess is a friendly little ghekko named Lucifer who isn't cruel in the slightest. I can also confirm that while I do indeed take a leather paddle to GoldenGun, this is at his explicit request and is carried out in a bid to discipline his senseless fetish for silverware. I noticed the spy at my window and put his extended stay down to voyeurism; nothing more and nothing less. Finally, I will state that I myself do not employ spies. I employ pigeons. Thank you.''