The Tabloid News L
Dread Pirate Pickles:  Dread-Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

This is an amazing issue - our 50^th issue, as best as we can count, anyway.  Over the years The Tabloid News has had numerous Pickly editors, and competition from such notable papers as The Mafia Gazette, The Chuckle Knuckle, The Long Island Inquisitor, and The Calamari just to name a few.  And, we are using the word “competition” quite generously.  We are proud to have served the Mafioso community for so long bringing you the news people don’t want you to read.  So, without further ado . . . On with the news . . .

VATICUS MISAPROPRIATING CREW EARNINGS

New Orleans dictator crew leader, Vaticus, has been under investigation by the forensic accountants at The Tabloid News for misuse of NORCo funds.  Instead of paying for fortification maintenance, landscaping, or even a decent Thanksgiving meal ( we were given turkey cold cuts, a raw potato we were told to mash ourselves, and when Gazputin asked for stuffing . . . well, you don’t want to know), he has been spending all of the crew’s hard earned money on a Faberge egg addiction and bath tub toys, specifically, rubber duckies.  His body guards, who have not been paid in weeks, have brought their IOUs to The Tabloid News office for this article.  They have been written in sloppy crayon on take out boxes from the Fu Man Chu Chinese Emporium.  “Dis is intolerables” said one from Wisconsin “Dis Vaticus, ain’t been payins us for tree weeks!  And dose rubber duckies ain’t woith my wife and kids goings hungries!”  Vaticus has been reportedly locked in his room for two weeks now, refusing to see anyone.  When asked for a comment, his friend Howard Hughes said, “That guy is nuts!”

CASH MONEY MILLIONIONAIRE BROKE

After several questionable stock market deals, such as investing a heavy sum of money in Hindenburg Air and a lot of money spent on buying high and selling low in the drug arena, Cash Money Millionaire is better describes as Cash Money Dozenaire.  After looking at her financial statements, we have found that she has only $36.47 in her bank account.  This news of her financial ruin has affected her deeply.  She has been seen wandering around dragging a stuffed dog along and muttering while reading newspapers.

TIMOTHY PETROV ARRESTED IN LOCAL ZOO

Timothy Petrov was arrested by Chicago authorities at the Brookfield Zoo for attempting to organize the tigers to run a loan sharking operation.  Ranting and raving as he was being dragged out in handcuffs, Petrov could be heard shouting, “I couldn’t wait for my members!  Tigers would make such awesome debt collectors!  And, they’re cute and cuddly!”  Whereas as we at The Tabloid News agree that tigers are indeed cute and cuddly, they do not make good debt collectors.  They are known for taking the money and spending it all on weapons grade catnip.  And, then you will not even get a phone call from them for a week!  We hope Mr. Petrov gets the psychological help he needs.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
One of my underlings owes me a great deal in tribute money, but all he gave me is this rubber duck!  Should I shoot him, or drown him, or both?
Phil

Dear Phil,
Just relax and take a nice hot bubble bath.  You might find that little duck comes in handy.
Red

 

Dear Red,
We at the Guild of Professional Pickpockets have recently bestowed Level 4 Professional Pickpocket status on Gazputin, however, we’ve received several (hundred) complaints that he likes to “linger” in a most inappropriate manner.  What is the best way to deal with this?
GoPP

Dear Guild Guy,
Can’t you just take the trophy back from him?  Sneaky and such?
Red

STREET REVIEW – DESIGNED TO SAVE YOU TIME

It can be quite a daunting task to listen to each and every person on a soapbox on these streets, so we at The Tabloid News have taken the time to listen to the start of every speech and have made our own condensed version (based on the first thing we hear) so you can get the gist without spending your time listening.

It Is I, Sophia! by Sophia – Hello!

The Kings by KingOrc – Either I like checkers or British history.

To His Fans by Hogan – I’m still around, brother man!

A Trip To Boston by HYFR – I like clam chowder and baked beans.

Death of the Father, Questions of the Son by Anna – Where do babies come from?

The Calamari Whatever by Lilac Delaney – Blah blah blah, Pickles, blah blah blah

LILAC DELANEY SUES BIGFOOT

Chicago RHW Lilca Delaney filed suit in superior court yesterday against notorious ladies man and mythical beast, Big Foot.  The lawsuit is filed over child support owed to Delaney by her hirsute suitor.  When contacted by The Tabloid News for a comment, Delaney started yelling “That deadbeat needs to pay!  I got diapers to buy and lots of shaving cream!”  Big Foot’s lawyer released this statement, “My client hasn’t never met Miss Delaney, and certainly would have never engaged in anything inappropriate with her.  We categorically deny all paternity.”  The Loch Ness Monster hired a lawyer before Lilac could sue him, too.

The Hulkster claps after reading the paper.

You know something brother, One thing that this life needs to continue have is the paper. We need the one that tells it how it is and the one to just make you laugh Brother and i enjoyed reading your little piece here and im sure it took a long time so good work brother!

After tripping the paper boy, stealing a newspaper, and reading it in front of him the good Dr only has a few words to say.

Finally... Maybe now Vaticus will be forced to feed me, I've had to live off of smokes and booze since my pops died...

After saying his peace to no one in particular, he lit the paper of fire and threw it at the paper boy.

At least you aren't trapped in a room with a bunch of hookers and a fugly couch DrLewsh.

~while walking down the street in the company of a couple bodyguards, Mr Sorvino notices a new edition of the tabloid news being sold, and motions for one of his guys to buy him the paper.  he only glances at it, not wanting to be rude to his current company.  but stories involving rubber ducks and or Bigfoot are simply to great a temptation to ignore.  more importantly, it reminded him of a certain old bulldog that played with rubber ducks~

THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT.

I like you're style Pickles, talking about the millionaire. Pimping for life.

CASH throws out the paper before she can read any of the other parts about other people.

All I see here is a lot of jealousy about my Faberge egg collection. What you fail to realise is that they're like my little inanimate children. Why would you want me to stop bringing defenseless children in from the cold and harsh world? Why am I the only one concerned for their safety and intricate design?? You sick, selfish people.

I'm concerned about them too boss... I'm also concerned about the fact I have to settle for cheap booze and smokes, and don't get me started on my current standard of hookers...

This paper is great.Mr. Pickles,please continue with the good work,i really enjoy your news.

Chevy starts thinking how to steal the last 36.47$ that CASHMONEYMILLIONARE has.

Coughs

Mob News or die,

Coughs

Skips away fastly.

She smiles and folds the rag under her arm after reading it..

With trash like this, I can see a return of a real paper in the future.. Maybe.

She pats her favourite Pickle on the head.

It's ok dear, you just aren't as good as your ancestors. I understand that... I'm probably not as good as mine either.

She hands her possible future literary foe a cookie.

See you in the funny pages?

She turns and raises an eyebrow at Mr. Sweeney..

The Mob News that has had a few sporadic returns that failed to receive any accolades? Or was that the Mom News? This man has celebrated 50 issues with his bloodline, what has yours accomplished? At least I'm not making promises, I'm making maybes.

Sweeney comes back and smiles. Slides his hair back then places his hat back on.

I'm not saying that the accomplishment that Pickles has sat is not note-worthy. It's amazing to me. Really is. And, the Mob/Mom news has nothing accomplished anything. Do I or probably my fore fathers care at the fact? Not at all. Why it was something to bring to the people and to do. Entertainment really. I was making a joke of the timely matter and I feel like you take it as a sense of jealousy or in a context like that. It wasn't and I apologize. But, I got something for ya! Mob News will comes back one day in the future. Always with have that. But, this is a time to celebrate Pickles!

Turns to Pickles.

I love you.

hurray for the epic one issue mom news to return. prehaps corky shall rise from the grave as well