Disclaimer: This has nothing to do about Christmas.

Also, you're not very nice looking.

12:28 AM - Argyle's Apartment Complex - Somewhere in America.

The white substance is pushed into my nose using a small yellow straw, I like this straw, and I also like the white substance; it's cocaine, if you didn't know. I guess you could say I'm snorting it, but I like to call it smelling the love. Whatever you call it - it's fun and that can't be denied, unless you deny it, in which case you've just proven me wrong and I'm very happy for you. My partner in crime is Sophia, she sits on the sofa putting small tabs of acid into her mouth as we get ready. What are we getting ready for? Simple. We're getting ready to commit murder.

"Stop... stop fucking around, we need this to go... what, where am I? Oh. Still in my apartment. Haha. For a second there I thought we'd fell into a wormhole and were travelling at high-speeds into a second dimension filled with worm's and the like. Stop fucking around though, this hit needs to go down perfectly. We have to... kill the mayor. Wait. Did I say mayor? I meant some guy that owes money, I hope we don't make that mistake again, this city has to be running out of politicians."

I quickly stand up to pet my cat, he needs to be pet at least twice per day, or else he'll get mange. I read that somewhere; probably a newspaper, it was a really nice newspaper, there was an article that had to do with fish too somewhere in there. I love fish, but yeah, anyways... we have to do this hit and we have to do it right, our "Boss", so-to-speak has given us many hits in our time and we've failed almost all of them. We feared that if we failed, we would be killed or worse... killed, oh wait, I just said killed. Oh man. That's crazy, I forget the first thing I was going to say, but dying would probably be the worst that I can personally thing of. Anyways, we were scared of the possibility of failure and so we decided to take a copious amount of drugs to feel better. So here we are...

"Shit, sorry Sophia. I'm talking in my head again, aren't I? Okay, let's do this... get the guns and I'll get the mushrooms. We're going to go kill us the Mayor... err... this random guy that has a lot of debt. Sorry, his name is George, the rest sort of has piss on it, I used it for my cat's litter. We'll just wing it, how many Georges can there be?"

and so, we go. Ah fuck, stubbed my toe. Okay, now we go. Damn that hurts... wait, need to get some ice... okay... got it, okay, now we go.

Sophia while sitting on a couch in the 1930's was tripping in the year 2085. She looks over to Argyle's mange face of sincerity with the cloud of cocaine powdered on his face asking for guns and shrooms. Something about a cat peeing and a giant toe. 

"Where am I?"

" You're in Argyle's apartment. We are on a quest to find guns. Wait..hold on...slow down...I get the guns...he gets the shrooms. So I will be on acid and shrooms, and he will be on cocaine? What are the guns for? I am asking a lot of questions. 

"Hey buddy, why are you asking alot of questions?"

I am sorry dear Argyle. I ask alot of questions inside my head. We have to kill the mayor!!! That's' right...okay. I'm sure I have a gun in my ...cough..socks... We will find the  Mayor, does Chicago even have one? Are we in Chicago? Wow your cat is really not that mange. It's very silky and fat. 

I just so happened to meet a fat cat on the sidewalk the other night. Just for your information Argyle.

12:40 AM - Argyle's Car - Chicago... maybe?

We drive around for what seems to be nine years in my hot Ford, it was really hot, mind you; like 98 degrees and it was summer, so I'll let you do the math. The math being that it was hot. There, I did it for you, are you happy? Some people...

"Oh... talking in my head again, okay so here we are. This is where George should be."

He looks up from the paper and back down again, doing this a few times, as he takes some mushrooms from the bag and begins to much down. This can't be right, he thinks to himself; this is a wall, I mean, it's a really nice wall but it's still a wall. Something feels very wrong... was he set up? Was it that bastard leprechaun that kept trying to steal his cat? Where was his cat? Oh, that's right, he's at the apartment. Duh. Arglye looks up at the wall one more time and then it all comes crashing down to him, like a flurry of images shooting into his brain all at once to create the bigger picture.

His cat.

The drugs.

Sophia.

The drugs.

God, these drugs are so good.

It all makes sense now though, he never took his car out of park. He forgot his keys anyways, so it's probably for the best. Argyle gets out of his car and walks to apartment; telling Sophia to wait inside so they may get out quick and get to their target. As Argyle moves from the car to the apartment he notices something in the corner of his eye... it's George, George of all people is walking past his apartment to go to the bar down the road. What luck! Argyle slowly edges towards him, motioning for Sophia to get out of the car and get ready to pounce. On the count of three Argyle pulls out his gun and shoots at George who takes a full sprint down the street.

"Get him! He's going to get away, this fucker can't get to that Bar."

Sophia pulls the gun from her sock as they both chase George down the street, as Sophia takes a clean shot at George and drops him to the ground right as he reaches his hand out to enter the bar. As Argyle walks over he makes a terrible realization, that wasn't George at all... it was HIM.

"Fuck! Fuck, fuck. Good shot, but that really fucking hurt. Get me something to wrap this up in, we still need to get George. God, you're a marksman, that was really nice; straight through my arm. Did you get training? I never got training like that, ungh, this hurts."

We both die.

Thank you for reading this compelling story, but it's now over. Yes, the tale ends quite tragically, but that's what happens when you go as hard as we did; so kids, let this be a lesson to you all, don't do that many drugs and then attempt to operate weaponry, because you WILL die.

This has been an Arglye & Sophia Story. Please tune in for more. Except don't, because we won't do this ever again.

Apparently Sophia was running around for no reason and just so happened to shoot a man named George. She didn't know why his name was george or why she even cared. and why did I shoot Argyle's arm and why is he saying it was good? Seriously, this is a ton of drugs. I had a gun but seem to have more now. Where does this story end? I'm fighting you Argyle. 

Sophia pulls out her gun, " This isn't the END WHIPER SNAPPLE!"

PEW PEW PEW!!!