THE CALAMRI
Edition IV
Guest Editor: Dread Pirate Pickles

GUEST EDITOR HEADS THE CALAMARI

 

No, this isn’t a mistake.  There is an old proverb in the world of journalism – “Never judge an editor until you’ve typed 1,000 words on their typewriter.”  So, I have decided to show Lilac Delaney, proprietress of the Squid Ink or The Calamari or whatever publication I’m writing how incredibly talented I am.  So, on with the news?

LILAC DELANEY UNDER INVESTIGATION

 

Chicago crime maven, The Calamari Editor, and recent captain in SquidMaster’s crime family, Lilac Delaney and her crew, under the heading of Dalle Ceneri, is under investigation by Hoover and his G-Men for several arsons and truck depot thefts.  Adam Beyerson, the agent in charge of the investigation into the Dalle Ceneri crime syndicate is confident he will soon be able to link the crimes to Lilac Delaney.  Beyerson said “as soon as we connect a few more dots, we might even be able to implicate SquidMaster and bring him up on racketeering charges.”  Lilac could not be reached for comment.

DRUG FRONTS ON THE RISE

 

Three large pharmaceutical supply manufacturers were robbed earlier last week.  Thousands of dollars of drug processing equipment were stolen and ruoured to be distributed throughout the seven cities.  Because of this recent development, the making and manufacturing of drugs will soon become more available to more Mafioso.  Due to the increase in available drug fronts, the police have been on the look-out for these pseudo apothecaries.  Sgt. Barry Sadler of the Chicago police department said that local patrolmen will be “ever more vigilant for the sale of narcotics.”  He added “we will also be working more closely with the Federal Bureau of Narcotics to crack down on these places and keep our streets safe.”  The FBN is also running an internal investigation to allegations of corrupt agents who are keeping drug fronts hidden from local law enforcement. 

DURDEN DANGER

 

Violence between the Tyler Durden crime family and the members of the families of the Seven Cities has been escalating.  The Godfather of Delaware City has been trying to expand his business into the seven cities for some time now, however they generally fail.  “I’ve been sending my people to the gun range more often” said Durden.  Their increased skill is most noticeable in the obituaries as many mobsters are dying from gunshot wounds inflicted by Durden’s men.  It is uncertain if the fear of arrest or the severity of the wounds prevents people from seeking medical attention.

PRISON OVERCROWDING AN ISSUE

 

Local prison officials have been dealing with overcrowding lately as police step up their efforts to crack down on crime in the seven cities.  Prison Warden, Stanley Tipple, of the Los Angeles Correctional Facility, told the Calamari Times that due to overcrowding they do not have enough guards to keep track of every prisoner.  “We usually concentrate our guards on the higher priority prisoners; sometimes we have to put twenty guards on just one person.”  As a result, lower priority prisoners just walk out the door of the prison.  Local criminal elements are rumored to open the door for their fellow criminals.  Las Vegas Warden, Frank Cook, said “It’s insane!  We get a fresh load of prisoners, and it seems like it only takes a half-hour for them all to escape!”  George Ransom, head of the New Orleans Prison System said “This just doesn’t look good for us.  I’m afraid with poor performances keeping prisoners in the system we’ll lose most of our state and federal funding.”

Nice read.

Stinsonati stares blankly across the street while thinking how high does he need to be to reach this level of ingenuity.

Picking up a copy of her own paper, albeit an edition created by someone else, Lilac takes a seat on a nearby park bench to read through Pickles' efforts. She nods occasionally, punctuating each movement of her head with an ''Mhmm.'' Then, she whips out her note book and begins to scribble.

Dearest Pickles,

Your attempt at producing my newspaper was most commendable. I must say, I'm rather pleased. However, I would normally use a better quality paper - Dunder Mifflin, for example - but we shan't disagree over mere fine detail. Not at all. I shall endeavour to perform to my very best in return and, well. We both know I'm hot to trot, so prepare yourself.

Yours,

Lilac the Literary Genius

Lilac signs off and then sprays the paper with some perfume - Chanel No. 5 to be precise. Finally, she pops the note into a gold envelope, seals it with a haughty air-kiss and slides it into her bag ready for delivery during her next trip to New Orleans.

Looks up from the paper and slowly takes of his reading glasses.

I say, Mr Pickles. This is some good stuff. Besides, I love Calamari.

Remembering how hungry he was, Carlo's smile turns into a frown and he walks off to find something to eat.

I applaud the Pickles for trying to keep life into the paper!

Vaticus finished reading the paper and took a sip at his morning coffee, thinking out loud to himself..

"A collaborative effort paper would be great to see next, and that's probably the only way to top the current standard of news - Lilac the Literary Genius and Dread Pirate Pickles the Definitive Polymath.."