| Sep 23 - 13:10:47 |
|
| Post Reply | Post new topic | Page: 1 |
| Tales from the Mafia: Episode 2 | Started by: Taskmaster on Oct 13, '08 12:45 |
|
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the second episode of TALES FROM THE MAFIA. I'm your illustrious host, the Taskmaster. Since our first episode, we've had a few letters from some fans. I thought I'd indulge your curiosity and read a few. "Dear Taskmaster, Your show is mediocre at best. See you in hell, you hack." We found the author of this letter to ask a few follow up questions. I'd introduce you to him, but he's a bit tied up... motions toward man gagged and bound to a chair I think I'll let Senility BORE him to death. On with the mediocrity! Today's episode is entitled: EPISODE II: THE BONE WARS. But first, a public service announcement. Going out tonight? Big date, I bet. Just remember, before you start humping Briana_Arao in the street, when you have sex with her, you're having sex with everyone she's had sex with, and everyone they've had sex with. So that's a lot of people AND all their palms. STD's are real, my friends. And they can make your junk fall off. THE MORE YOU KNOW... Tonight's show is brought to you by Clipper Brand Adult Diapers. If you're having problems, you know, holding it in, try Clipper Brand Adult Diapers. They can hold more fecal matter than any other adult diaper on the market today. Stop embarrassing, costly, and smelly accidents. Get your life back with Clipper Brand Adult Diapers: "They're full of shit." And now, our feature presentation... "Keep digging, Louie. It's gotta be down there somewhere." "What the fuck, Pete? You do some diggin'. Why should I dig up this grave by myself?" "Someone's gotta be the lookout, and I sees better than youse. Shaddup and dig." Clink. Clink. The shovel hits the coffin, which hasn't been in the ground for half an hour. The men excitedly clear away the fresh earth and open the casket lid. A middle aged man, nicely dressed and perfectly groomed lay inside the coffin. "Quick, Louie, get his clothes off. I'll take the jewelery off." "Hey, the clothes ain't worth what the jewelery is, I want the jewelery." "Dumbass, we're not taking the clothes or the jewelery. We'd hang for robbing a grave." "If we ain't robbin' the grave, then what're we doin', Pete?" "This is body snatchin', stupid. That doc down the street will pay us twice what the jewels are worth. Now strip him and let's go." "Why do I gotta strip him?" "If we take anything other than the body, it's grave robbin'. Hurry it up. Now lift him out." The man grabs the naked corpse under the arms and hoists him to the man at the surface. That man grabs his hands and begins pulling the body. They wrap it up in a canvas bag and begin the trek to the doctor's office. Little do they know that they've just taken the body of Don Giovanni, head of the Giovanni Crime Syndicate. Two men, looking for a quick buck, have just started THE BONE WARS! One week later.... "Ok, doc. We're gonna ask you one more time, then we're gonna get rough. Where is the body?" A rough looking thug has a man in a white coat pinned to a wooden dissection table. "I don't know what you're talking about... all our bodies are donated, not stolen!" "Tommy, persude him, please." The big guy lifts the doctor off the table and submerges his head in a tank containing three more cadavers and formaldehyde. He brings him up for air. "Please, no more! I'll talk!" "We kinda thought you might. Now, where is it?" "Another guy, a tall guy in a suit came in and offered me double what I paid for it. He said it was for an experiment. He owns that bar down the street. That's all I know, I promise!" "I know it is doc. Tommy." The big man twists the doctor's head, and their is a loud crack as his neck breaks. The big guy then throws his body into the preservant tank. "That's Salvatore's gang, Tommy. They got the Don's body. What do we tell the new boss?" Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of Episode II: THE BONE WARS!!! |
|
| Report Post | Tip |
|
*just finishes sending a letter in the mail, harassing the host, but signing it as Senility* Wow Taskmaster, I like your story, as it reminds me of the time I went grave robbing... actually it's quite easy to remember as I'm still in the process of doing it. *Continues to dig in the cemetary* |
|
| Reply by: Troy_McClure at Oct 13, '08 14:20 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
Welcome back, friends. Or, if you never left, you should welcome me back. Regardless, let's conclude tonight's tale, Episode II: The Bone Wars. When we last left, two mobsters had just learned that a rival gang had their recently deceased boss' body. "I say we go in and kill 'em all!" "Hey, it's not that easy, capiche? There's too many of 'em, that bar is their HQ. Let's scout it out first." So, the two mobsters took a leisurely stroll down the block. When they peered in the bar window, what they saw amazed them. Their boss was there, alive, taking a drink at the bar. "He's alive! Let's get him outta there!" "Wait, look!" . They took a step closer to the window and watched as the boss fell off of his stool, into the floor. "He's not alive, they're just pretendin' like he is! Those sick bastards!" "You said it. Who knows what that guy Henry Jung is doin' to that body. We gotta get it outta there. I gottan idea...." An hour later... Two men in white coveralls enter the bar, with clipboards. The bartender yells at them. "Whaddya want?" "Health department," the man with the moustache and red hard hat replied. "We're just taking a look around." The panic was evident on the bartender's face. As everyone knows, you can bribe building inspectors, you can bribe cops, but health inspectors are beyond reproach. "Um, I wasn't ready for..." "No one expects the health inspectors. Our chief weapon is the element of surprise. Now, if you don't mind..." The men walked around for a few minutes, then one spotted the body at the bar. "Holy shit, Jimbo, this guy is dead!" "What the hell? What kind of joint are you running here?" "I can explain," the bartender stammered. "This will shut the doors of this place. Unless..." "What is it? What can I do?" asked the bartender. Two hours later, in the cemetary. "It's a good thing we got the body back, huh, Tommy?" "Yep. And we got $100 each for not reporting that schlub. I'd say that it was a good day." "It sure was. It sure was." As they piled dirt back on the casket lid, they never heard the pounding of fists from inside the coffin. The End. Too bad he didn't have a bell or something to let them know that he was, indeed, still alive. He was just passed out drunk after he woke up the first time, in the dissection lab. He had been asleep for two days solid, so people assumed he was dead. Damn you, narcolepsy! Come back next time for Episode III: The Revenge of the Fifth! |
|
| Reply by: Taskmaster at Oct 13, '08 15:15 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| Nice work TaskMaster, I really enjoyed that and I cant wait till the next one. | |
| Reply by: SaulSilver at Oct 13, '08 16:00 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
|
"Who knows what that guy Henry Jung is doin' to that body." *sigh* If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that one... |
|
| Reply by: Azuela at Oct 13, '08 16:35 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| I have to say that I didn't actually finish reading the whole thing but that is mostly because I don't have usually remember what I'm doing from the one moment to the next at this point in my life...What was I saying? I just remember something about wanting to go and buy some more Clippers Brand Adult Diapers. I'm running out quicker and quicker these days. | |
| Reply by: Senility at Oct 14, '08 03:06 | |
| Report Post | Tip |
| Post Reply | View All Threads | Page: 1 |
How much do you want to tip for this post?
Minimum $20,000
Minimum $20,000
