The Tabloid News LII
Dread Pirate Pickles: Editor-in-Chief
FROM THE EDITOR
Many of you may have noticed (or not) that Lilac Delaney and I switched papers for an edition. It took a long time, but I finally have The Tabloid News offices back in ship-shape and Bristol fashion. Now, if one of my kind English readers would please tell me what exactly Bristol fashion is, I would greatly appreciate it. But, now that I’ve finally got the last of that Dunder whatever paper out of my printing presses and her squid ink out as well, I believe it is safe to say, on with the news . . .
ROGUE RUNS RAMPANT
A Rogue crew leader, Liza, recently hit New Orleans striking down several other high ranking members of the six cities. Reasons for her actions are unknown. What facts are knownseveral hours before she went Rogue, Liza received a telegram from her doctor informing her that her pregnancy test came back positive. The father, The Tabloid News learned, was a Polish Bigfoot she had met while on holiday at the French Riviera. She also received a postcard from Big Foot postmarked Nepal saying he had met a Yeti and was no longer interested in her, and they were now living together in a commune south of Katmandu. There is no way to tell what toll this news would take on anyone’s psyche.
TRUTH BEHIND CITY DISAPPEARANCES REVEALED
Secret communiqués between the City Council and Chamber of Commerce of Boston and the Mobway Airline revealed talks to remove service to Los Angeles and Las Vegas as a way to increase tourism in Boston. After a generous donation to the CEO’s bank account, Mobway Airlines ceased all service to Los Angeles and Las Vegas. Since the “six-cites” are stuck with Boston, we at The Tabloid News wanted to give our readers a few historical facts about Boston.
- Bostonians invented baked beans in 1776.
- They will sell you their greatest baseball player for next to a nothing!
- During the Revolutionary War, Boston was the city all the founding fathers drank tea; untaxed, bootleg tea.
- The Declaration of Independence was purchased by George Washington and lost it in a poker bet with King George II, starting the war of 1812. This happened around 1922.
Enjoy these facts, and feel free to cite The Tabloid News in your next history paper in school.
ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Red,
My wife went to LA to find us an apartment before we actually moved there. Now, I can’t get to her and she can’t get back to me. What do I do?
Signed, Vaticus
Dear Vatty,
Thank whatever leprechaun’s ass you kissed to have that kind of luck and go party like a single man!
Red
Dear Red,
I claimed I was PP friendly to my crew leader, and he dragged me into the bathroom and did horrible things to me! The image of which I can’t get out of my head! Help!
Signed, Cap
Dear Cap,
I’m advice, not therapy. 5 cents please.
Red
DEADLY SIN’S BIRTHDAY INTERVIEW
Famed Philadelphia Godfather, DeadlySin, recently celebrated a milestone birthday. We caught up with him for this exclusive interview.
TTN: DeadlySin, you recently celebrated an amazing birthday. How do you feel?
DS: What? Speak up, sonny!
TTN: What was it like when you were first starting as a gangster?
DS: When I was your age . . . if we wanted to rob a post office, we had to walk a mile in the snow uphill both ways! But, of course they were call letter houses back then. And, we didn’t even have drugs. We sold buttons. We had a button dealer we had to visit! Kids these days with their Bostons and their pocket picking! Back in my day, we had only ONE city to conduct business in. Egypt!
TTN: Um . . . okay. So, how has age affected your love life? Who was that lady I saw you with last night?
DS: Lady? That was no lady. That was my nurse!
TTN: So, who was your first crewleader?
DS: Jesus! He had a pretty small crew. Only twelve of us. He got taken down by another crewleader, Herod, I think. We ate a lot of loaves and fishes.
TTN: What do you think of the way things are going now as opposed to the “good old days?”
DS: Listen here, boy, don’t ever let anyone tell you about those “good old days.” These days we have indoor plumbing!
TTN: Thank you very much for your time.
DREAD PIRATE PICKLES TO OPEN DOORS OF TABLOID NEWS OFFICES
Dread Pirate Pickles, the dashingly handsome, erudite, and brilliant Editor-in-Chief is rumoured to be opening the doors of The Tabloid News offices to five lucky winners who find golden tickets in their copy of The Tabloid News. Reports say he will give those people a behind the scenes look at the offices, the French Maid staff, and the little Swedish children who tend the printing presses. Dread Pirate Pickles could not be reached for comment at the time of publication as he was busy alphabetizing and cross referencing Volume III of Dick Gozinya’s Little Black Book.
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