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Tea Time: Generation-X Gossip Tabloid
Issue Three: Isolate Yourself and Just Roll Solo (Be Caref-olo)
In this day and age it is often tempting to just stow away by oneself, withdraw, and let the world happen around them. What with the act of dueling catching fire, the talk of the world being divided into districts, and the choice- rather than obligation- to give kick ups to one's Leader, all this change is creating the type of pandemonium that can only lead to one thing: anarchy. Soon fire and brimstone will pave the streets we call home, and everyone will dissolve into a massive cesspool of stabbing, mugging, and violent beatings. And you? You will try to resist but eventually will succumb as well.
Well, we here at Tea Time!: Generation-X want the furthest thing from anarchy. We want everyone to go about their business as usual, grab a nice cup of tea, and settle in on their couch after a long day of work to read their favorite 'paper'. (Hint: it's the one you're holding.) Relax into a bit of normalcy, remind yourself that things aren't that bad, and won't be that horrible as long as you continue to live with honor and respect.
Just, you know, be caref-olo. Because YOLO.
We'll probably be at the center of the eventual chaos,
CASHMONEYMILLIONAIRE, ZomBee and Katniss
Disclaimer: If you are a mobster, within the six crime cities of the United States of MafiaReturns, you may be the subject of one or many of our articles. Alive, dead, mentally impaired, no one is safe from TT:GX! Please forward all comments, questions or concerns to Tea Time Editors, c/o Katniss.
*****
Left-Handers Make Better Lovers
It's Like Doing it with a Stranger
Article by Reporter Black
You know how I can tell how everyone missed their favorite reporter from last weeks issue? All of the rocks that were lobbed at my bedroom window. Alright, alright, I'm back, stop trying to light me on fire. Though, it was actually the dinner party I had set up that kept me away last week. I was forced by the editors to get out of town and take some personal days for my mental health. You talk to that many (drunk) Left Hands at one time in one night, I promise you that you will come out a different person from the experience. Let us cut to the chase and get down to business.
It was a dark and stormy night, the invitation to an elaborate dinner party brought each Left Hand that had received an invite to a gothic mansion on top of a lonely hill. Two Left Hands from each city were invited. With the exception of Detroit, where all four were invited as we never hear anything from Detroit and I wanted to make sure the mobsters I kept hearing about were actually living, breathing people. I was shocked to say the least when I shook hands with the Detroiters and I almost passed out in utter disbelief when they opened their mouths and legit words were formed. I had my guests wait a half hour late just to see if anyone from Philadelphia was going to show, but it seemed the invites were rejected. Philadelphia didn't want to participate.
My guests were brought to the dining room, seated around a grand table and fed a decadent five course meal. Of course, the booze was poured graciously as soon as the guests had arrived and by the time I calmed the buzzing chatter of the table, most of them were a bit tipsy. There was some curiousness from a few people to why I had called upon them, but I hushed their little minds and replied that everything would be explained later. The time had come though and I explained to everyone seated that I wanted to shed some light on the 'other hand'. Who were these other people floating around us in their slanty suits? That's what I'm here for, what you've waited two weeks to drool over. You'll get to know 11 left hands much better than you ever wanted to with just three simple questions.
Question #1: Some say that the left hand is a useless position, how do you feel about that comment?
After I asked this question I immediately saw scrunched up faces of displeasure that didn't come from the pies that were served as dessert. Some of my guests gasped, one even cried. Some were still trying to find the right words to answer the question. Roksana, Left Hand to Alexander, (Edit: Since this article was written, Roksana has now assumed the role of right hand.) was the first to pipe up. A tiny shy voice poked out from some of the chairs on my right.
Roksana: No, I don't. There are times when both the crew leader and the right hand are gone.
Roksana quickly sat back down and picked at her blueberry pie. Next, Daemon, Left Hand of Bearpocalypse, popped in.
Daemon: That's an understatement. The crew leader and right hand will definitely need a hand in the crew and I feel that a left hand proves quite handy.
Daemon let out a light chuckle before continuing.
Daemon I however also believe that the left hand can be the person who can socialize well with the crew members and get to know them without bossing them around. But it just depends upon people, really.
Daemon nodded nervously at the other hands, smiling and then waited for someone else to speak up. I looked around the table, the hands were nodding their heads. Soon enough the replies were flowing from one person to the next.
ThomasAnderson (Left Hand of SpaceCowboy): I think it is a very useful position. They don't have too much power, they just have the right amount. Left hands are there to look after the crew members and when the crew leader and right hand are not around they are in charge.
Frank_Sinatra (Left Hand of ClockworkAngel): To be completely honest with you, it all comes down to how you look at it and whether you are tasked to certain jobs. If you have no tasks assigned to you, you don't communicate with your family, and don't even mass mail anyone, then you might as well be a monkey in a snazzy suit. On the contrary, if you have responsibilities, you make a valiant effort to be vocal with the crew and you handle business effectively while the boss and right hand are out then it is a valuable job and position.
Creep (Left Hand of WildTurkey): I don't feel as if the left hand man position is useless. It is only useless if one makes it useless. While the crew leader and right hand man run the family, the left hand can pick up responsibilities such as coordinating events, contests, earnings. Also come up with new fresh ideas to bring to the crew leaders attention. Be the voice of the family, chat to family members and figure out what they would like improved or fixed. I only think it's useless if said person makes it useless.
Gypsy (Left Hand to Toby): I'm quite offended by that comment. I wouldn't say my position is useless, I feel my part within the family is quite important.
I first had sent out an invite to WhereWasI to represent his crew leader for Detroit's Left Hand, but was greeted with a reply that WhereWasI suggest that I contact Mighty as WhereWasI wanted to stay out of the public eye, wanted his name out of the streets. So, when Mighty accepted my invitation, shown up and stood to speak I was eager to hear what he had to say for another man to turn me down.
Mighty (Left Hand to Toast): The honour is all mine, thank you so much for having me here with you all tonight. Well, that depends I think. That's one way to look at it. I think left hands are underrated by that statement. They might not be so powerful as a right hand or a crew leader in privileges. I think the three positions at the top of a crew are an extension of each other. Nobody stays awake each full day every week. The hands are the most important helpers when the crew leader is not around. Coming back to a the left hand position it is a good start for a runner up.
Immediately after Mighty ended you could see his eyes roll, he clenched his stomach and ran out of the room only to make it to hall and vomited in a plant. He wasn't seen that night after that and I had heard later he had actually been struck down by the Gods.
Now, it seems my first segment of this three part article to my adoring fans has already ran a bit long. Please tune in next week when I will present my favorite replies to the first question from the Left Hands I have left out this week and getting started on question two. Till then, unicorns and rainbows.
P.S. Please, start lobbing your rocks of pure jealousy (that means you Pickles) at Pot's window.
*****
Money: The Root of All Evil
How Do YOU View Tributing?
Article by Reporter Kettle
Mentioned in our lovely Editor's notes was the fact that our world was changing. One of the ways in which our world will be taking on a new shape is in how we, as the general mafiosi, give kick-ups or pay tribute to our Crew Leaders, City-Heads and Godfathers. In an attempt to push for more independence and responsibility with our own pocketbooks, very shortly our monetary system will shift into an honesty-driven, hold-yourself accountable system. No longer will we be required to kick up a percentage of our crimes as they are committed, yet rather, will keep track of our own money and pay as we see fit.
While this gives us, the peons, a little bit of freedom and power when it comes to our finances, it does make you wonder if the Leaders won't be put at a financial disadvantage. No longer will they have their take automatically; they will have to depend on the availability, willingness and dependable memories of every man and woman working underneath them. With this change on the horizon, it seems as if the act of tributing to one's Boss will become a more important function than ever. Yet, it makes us here at Tea Time wonder: does anyone even tribute anymore?
Last week one of our surveys asked this very question. A leaflet was passed around asking several questions, all on the subject of tributing, and we received an overwhelming response. Of those that replied, it seems that 75% (exactly) do regularly engage in the act of tributing to their leaders. Go ahead, those of you in bold, let out a sigh of relief. It seems as if your finances might not be completely ruined in the long run.
What seems to be worrisome is that 95% of those that replied were above the prestigious rank of Made Man. So once we, the common mafiosi, have made our bones with a family we are willing to part with our cash. Yet what about those of Wise Guy rank and below? While it's undoubtedly more important that they part with their earnings to gain the respect and notice of their leader, ultimately earning their Made status, our survey results seem to track the pattern that they don't tribute as often, or as much, as those in the higher ranks. Is this simply down to lack of opportunity to earn more? Or do they not feel as valued as those in the upper echelons? All things to consider when speaking to your crews, Leaders of our world.
Probably the next biggest worry to "who is tributing", is 'how' and 'when'. Those who answered our survey revealed that while most of the higher ranked members are tributing, it's an even tie between doing so once a day, versus once a month (27% of the respondents for each question). While once a day will certainly have more impact than once a month, will the mobsters have the capital to keep up with the demands that their crew will certainly face without a steady income? Whatever the case, however, leaders should once again be comforted with the fact that of the respondents, the highest reported amount of tribute, over $1 million at a time, was the most popular choice selected in the survey (at 38% of the respondents).
Even with those stating they that tribute a lot of cash, and often, this new shift in our world's financial dynamic leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Will the Crew Leaders get short changed? Will they have to try harder to gain the loyalty and therefore the funding of their family? Will the loyal members of a family have to try harder to keep the deadweight afloat? "I'm a CL. When I was a crew member I had kicked up nearly 50 million before getting authed. I'm what you'd call, a good member. Suck it slackers!" As long as mobsters like this continue to exist in our society, I think we'll all survive this change with little adverse impact to our current lifestyles.
However, there are still those out there that make things a little scary. "What the hell? Tribute? I need to buy SHOES!" Hopefully we can change these men and women's minds before the families get to the point of poverty.
*****
A Day in The Life
Presenting Godfather Phil_Steak
Interview by Reporter Pot
I had the opportunity to sit down with the great Phil_Steak, Godfather of New Orleans. The meeting place set up for the interview was Scania's Café since the Godfather promised they had amazing coffee.
I really hope he is right. Or else… Oh, who am I kidding? I'm all talk, literally.
It is Seven O'clock on the dot as I enter the coffee house. It looks pretty deserted, except for the barista behind the counter looking bored out of his gourd.
"A Mocha with an extra shot of espresso, please."
I pay the barista, grab my beverage and sit down at a corner table. The Godfather enters about ten minutes later. He looks too cool for school in his black double breasted jacket. Under the jacket reveals a pink dress shirt with a white tie, pink cuff links, a watch, and a black trench coat. He opts for black and brown two tone shoes, probably to offset all of the pink he is wearing. He's either secure in his masculinity, or he's really into men. Either way, he wears it well. He nods in my direction while approaching the barista.
Phil_Steak (PS:) Good evening.
Reporter Pot (P): Godfather, thank you for taking the time to meet with me. This place is rather barren but the coffee is decent. What time did you wake up?
PS: I woke up at 2:00 am, then once again at 4:00 am, then finally woke up once again at 6:30 am and got out of bed and took a shower.
Insomniac, paranoia, business, bed bugs, all around badass? Will we ever know why?
P: Did you make your bed?
PS: I certainly did not. The broad handles that. However I did have to clean up vomit from her cat shortly after getting out of the shower. Stupid cat eats too quickly and vomits on the carpet.
P: Fair enough. That's why I don't own any pets. They only make messes and create more work. Where did you spend your day?
PS: I left New Orleans and went to Boston. I was breaking people out of jail, as my reputation as a jailbreaker there is lacking, and I was trying to catch up to the infamous Godfather DeadlySin with his amazing jailbreaking achievements. Not to mention striving to earn the respect to carry more drug units.
P: Wow, I'd say that is quite a lot of work for one day. So far sounds more eventful than the other Godfathers I've interviewed… but don't tell them I said that, or that I'm currently in New Orleans. Who did you see/call?
PS: I generally stay in regular communications and contacts with my right hand Cassi, as well as Bunny and DeadlySin. I will most likely get a hold of Alexander and Vaticus later today to discuss some business issues I had thought of the night before.
P: How did you procrastinate?
PS: I never procrastinate. I don't have the time to.
P: What did you accomplish?
PS: So far, not a lot. But at my position, you have to do a lot to even see any real accomplishments.
P: What did you want to accomplish?
PS: I wouldn't mind getting my 69th unit today.
That's what she said.
P: What did you read?
PS: Tea Time Gen X, issue 2.
P: You are a very smart man, Sir. How do you feel about broccoli?
PS: I am a big fan of broccoli, and most veggies, to be honest. Any meal is enhanced by nice crisp veggies, as they add a crunchy texture to the meal, really enhancing the texture and contrast.
P: What was the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you ate?
PS: I have yet to eat, however I have left over Chinese food which I will be having for lunch later. Most likely will have steak and lobster for dinner, going out when I finish my day.
P: I'll try not to keep you too long since it's already getting late and I'm sure most people don't want you to starve to death. Did you exercise?
PS: Not today, unfortunately.
P: What was the best part of the day?
PS: Waking up, still alive, with a loyal set of men around me. Although, I did take a massive shit at 4:00 am, and that felt amazing. I thought I had given birth to a 10 pound baby.
P: I'm sure it would be a whole different day if you actually had given birth to a ten pound baby. What was the worst part of the day?
PS: Having to clean that stupid cats vomit.
P: Any surprises today?
PS: We go back to that damn cat. We feed it baby food to coat his stomach before he eats his kibble. So his vomit consisted of gooey baby food, along with chunks of kibble that appears he didn't even bother to chew.
Seriously? This is getting too weird. Hopefully it was banana.
P: Wow, that sounds… educational. Favorite time of day?
PS: When both hands are on the 9, as it reminds me of myself.
I tried to subtly motion my hands to replicate two hands on the 9, and then it finally clicked. I dropped my hands as soon as I could in hopes the man across from me didn't notice. I'm pretty sure he did though as he just bowed his head and shook it from side to side.
P: What is your favorite color?
PS: Pink and green. What about you?
P: Teal and black, thanks for asking. Bet you thought I would say Black and Yellow you saucy bit… gentleman. Stating the obvious, coffee drinker?
PS: I Need that morning coffee, otherwise who knows what I might mistakenly do.
P: Heard that, Sir. What did you make your right hand do today?
PS: Cassi is the definition of being a right hand. Nobody does a hand job (quite) like she does. She is always on point, making sure that everything comes along properly and alleviates a lot of my stress.
P: Like a Boss. Once again Sir, thank you for taking some extra time from your day to give the good people of this nation some insight into your day. Any last words for me?
PS: Here I say it, same as ever. Took a dump and pulled the lever. The toilet clogged, the water flowed. Watch out world, it's a mother-load.
*****
Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius
(Real Mobsters of Geeeeeniiiiuuuuuuus!)
Today we salute you, Mr. Over-Obsessive OC Inviter.
(Mr. Over-Obsessive OC Invita!)
You, sir, are happy to be committing crimes with anyone and everyone, and make this fact well known by your over-eager preparations.
(Can't wait to start this crime, guys!)
Your scalp prickles in anticipation, your palms sweating in glee, as you begin to invite people to join you in your escapade...
(Hey man I sent you an invite!)
And then remind them to accept the invite again, and again. And again. The onslaught is persistent, relentless.
(Seriously check your person-ALLLLLSSSS!)
So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea Mr. Eager Beaver. They say patience is a virtue, one that you proudly hold up your middle finger to with a smile.
(Mr. Over-Obsessive OC Invitteeeerrrrrrr!)
*****
Stickin' It Where The Wind Don't Shine
More Heidi Than You Can Shake A Stick At (But Feel Free To Try)
Emotional Trauma by Field Reporter Heidi Hoels
Having settled into my new old lifestyle, I tried to let loose for the night, feeling a mild sense of accomplishment for having filed my first official report. This comfortable mediocrity wasn't to last, however, as CASHMONEYMECHAGODZILLA phoned me up in the middle of the night demanding content.
"I gave you content, damn it."
"No," She persisted in her blatant wrongness. "We need real articles. This is a gossip magazine."
"Oh, yes. Gossip, all the talk of the streets." I said, "Well did you happen to hear all the chatter on the friggin' streets about how the legendary Heidi Hoels dragged her ass back into the dirty little city to work for your crummy tabloid?"
"Yeah, pretty unfortunate. I wasn't to happy about it myself." She harped. "But if you're going to be on my payroll, you sure as hell better deliver me quality."
"Hmm. Well since you brought it up, when should I be expecting my first paycheck?"
"All debts are payable when you stop sucking." She lashed out, letting her bad breeding show.
"Oh honey." I sighed, "If I stop sucking, you'll never get anything worth reading in your little paper."
It would be easy for one to take CHUNKYMONKEYPARTYBUS at face value and curse her as the snaggle-toothed hag she portrayed herself as, but thanks to my extensive collection of medical journals, I was well aware of the behavioral problems to be expected with so many generations of rampant inbreeding. So I steeled myself with the knowledge that I were rubber and she glue (fugly glue at that), and got down to business.
A brief perusal of my contact numbers soon led me through the chain of hoops and cryptic phone calls necessary to gain an audience with one of the most powerful local ladies of the Chicago area: One LilacDelaney. Details were discussed and finally I was informed by one of her parasitic underlings that, yes, Ms. Delaney would meet with me the following morning for a light breakfast.
I wasted no time, once the light of day intruded through my window. I sprung from my bed and into my wardrobe, weighing every selection I made carefully, dressing to the impeccable standard at which I'd surely be scrutinized. I settled on a purple dress that hugged tightly to the curves of my frame, accentuating my cleavage with the most scrumptious little frills. To finish this ensemble, I paired matching heels that perfectly complimented the fragile daintiness of the feminine form. The best part: they were entirely impossible to walk in.
I had Henry carry me to the prearranged meeting place, and secured a table for Ms. Delaney and I. A little past fashionably late O'clock, she made her entrance. I looked up to catch a glimpse of this magnificent Boss of the Underworld, but Boss of the Under-dressed was perhaps more apt. I tried to smile warmly as my eyes were gouged by her unrepentant assault of earth tones.
Thankfully, I had not yet started my breakfast, or I surely would have gagged. Still, my body struggled even to choke down air. But what I noticed next would be the bane of all self-respecting women of fashion: the pantsuit.
"Sorry I'm late." She offered as she took her seat.
"Oh no, sweetheart. I'm the one who's sorry. I must've completely missed the memo about -ahem- dressing down."
"What?"
"Never mind that. I haven't ordered yet, because I wasn't sure how you liked your eggs, aside from shriveled up and destined to die alone."
She let out a faux-polite chuckled, "Dear, we really should watch our consumption of eggs, don't you think? And besides, how much more of a beating do you think your poor figure will be able to take in stride? I'll be fine with just the coffee, thanks." She flashed her teeth at the hovering waitress.
"She'll take a pound of bacon." My eyes narrowed to tense slits.
We ate in hateful silence.
Afterward, she graciously offered me a ride home promising that along the way she would show me around "her" city, an over-inflated sense of importance being common among people who had endured a childhood filled with peer rejection and ostracism from their parents. What happened next was mostly a blur and, sadly due to circumstances beyond my control, our tour had to be ended abruptly a few blocks from my stoop.
She did, however, let me keep a handful of her hair as a parting gift.
*****
Gather 'Round for Tales of Olde
This Week in Mafia History
Generation by generation the world changes around us. Sometimes it is for the good, sometimes it is for the worse. Whatever happens in the here and now is always somehow shaped by our ancestors, and we are forever touched by their contributions to our world, no matter how long ago. So come gather around, smile as you hear the names and events of the past. Maybe your mothers and fathers are featured!
Let's revisit what happened the week of January 25th to January 31st in the history of This Thing.
One Year Ago:
27th- Leader CorbinRussell moved his HQ to Philly (La Casa Rossa).
30th- Then mobster Monet announced the reorganization of then Chicago- explaining the wackback of JesseJames several days earlier, the retirement of PizzaTheHut, and the power grab by EveValon to control the city. Mobster Slab was authed.
Two Years Ago:
25th- Mobsters Mikhaela and Barnie are authed into the city of Philadelphia.
26th- Then mobster LunaticFringe is authorized to set up a family in St. Louis (The Strange Famous Gang).
29th- St. Louis leader -iocate- dies due to a gun malfunction (The Marshalls).
31st- Leader Cherokee, of St. Louis, takes out then Godfather Joey_Cesari and assumes control of the city.
Three Years Ago:
25th- Mobster MarceloCaifano is authorized to start a family in St. Louis (St. Louis Waste Disposal Inc.).
26th- Then leader -V- is made underboss of Philly to Godmother ScipitaRourke.
31st- -Quixote is given authorization to set up a family in St. Louis. That same day, Godfather of Las Vegas Lucretia_Borgia slays the Godfather of Detroit, PedroRourke.
*****
Life and Times of the Six Cities
The Latest and Greatest Mobster Events
Dueling
Smile folks, there have been three duelings this week.
Mr_Ducky_Jr (Earner, Lady-Fighter) vs. -iocaste (Boss, Lady-Fighter). The great -iocaste won in this lady on lady action. A whopping three people showed up at the funeral. The nicest thing that was said at the event was "All the best of luck in your other life." - Lady-Fighter.
Sorche (Consigliere, Revolve) vs. Creep (Don, WildTurkey). It doesn't take a genius to figure out who won this round. Donbot said it best in at the funeral home: "Who would have guessed that dueling a 134 day old Insanely Well Protected Don LHM and letting him shoot first would end badly?". Though, others in the community thought it was an honorable way to exit life. Quoted from Revok at the funeral - "Rest in peace ma'am, went out the way of a champion." Maybe by champion he meant monkey?
Countdown (Consigliere, DeadlySin) vs. -_StonedSilent_- (Consigliere, SpaceCowboy). Muted for life, StonedSilent shot first and missed as the crowd roared with laughter at the fail. There was no counting down for Countdown as he returned fire and managed to put a bullet in the brain of his opponent. The funeral was pleasant and many turned up. Including tiggy who said "You irk me when you do this! Rest with the angels dear. I'll keep the cookies warm." All her cookies bring the boys to the funeral home. Through sobs, RoseTyler also said a few words "It won't be the same around here without you dear friend, I will miss you terribly. Sleep sweet."
Crewleaders - They're Just Like Us!
They sample the merchandise! - Last week Vaticus was seen coming out of a hotel room with one of the prostitutes that he runs in his ring. Sources say she is helping him with some frustrations he was having, but it wasn't his taxes.
They scream for the police! - While on a shopping trip to buy shoes, Bunny was seen screaming at the top of her lungs for the police. Some say she wasn't screaming for the police, but actually for ice cream. Others say the Philadelphian had been a mark for a pick pocketer.
They run errands! - You would think that a man like Revolve would get Pumpkins to make all his meals and do all his laundry, taking advantage of a woman's place, the kitchen. Though, sources say the Godfather of Detroit prepares his own meals and cleans his own soiled clothes. Ladies, Revolve may be the most eligible bachelor.
Personal Ads
M looking for F that has the aroma of withered flowers - contact OldSpice if interested.
F looking for Hoes - contact Keme if you a ho.
M looking for F who can stare down the barrel of a loaded gun with no fear - contact TonyGambino if interested.
M still looking for F - contact a desperate Vegeta
*****
To Duel or Not to Duel
That is the Question
Article by Reporter Pot
It seems the majority of you believe that dueling will have its place in This Thing of Ours. A whopping 63.64 percent were for it to be exact. What do you think of when you think of Dueling? A crazy Wild Wild West showdown where someone is defending the honor of their territory or lady-friend? Or how about a Medieval joust where the Knights of the Round Table get together and decide who will go out and stake claim on their land? "We are members of the mafia, Dueling had a time and a place in the 18th and 19th century".
A lot of controversy has already been raised over dueling. Some cities have tried banning it, others have put stipulations on who they can and can't duel. Meanwhile, we saw Detroit briefly suffer the consequences when trying to push the envelope on this matter. The situation was quickly rectified, but it doesn't change the fact that this is meant to be seen as something that should be given a chance. Hopefully we can see how dueling plays out once a war breaks out between a city or two (or even three). One reader said "Dueling will eventually become a strategy for a war, almost like a culling of the strongest. One hitter challenges another and families use that to thin the herd before they deliver the final blow".
Quite a few believed that dueling will help to alleviate tensions between cities with problem mobsters. "I think dueling will settle a lot of muddled events. Instead of taking down an entire city perhaps conflicted parties will be able to settle the difference with considerably less bloodshed." Honestly, I believe it might help in some instances, but it will just fuel the fire to attack in others. Say, two high ranking hitters from different cities end up challenging each other. One will lose and I can only imagine the Godfather/AGF will be less than pleased with the duel winner and possibly takes it out on the rest of the city. Now, that could just be considered reckless but crazier things have happened as history has shown. It seems that one of the leaders has already spoken up; "Dueling is bad for business. If you duel one of my members, I'm ending your life."
"I think dueling will only work if you have two people who don't have much effort put into their life of crime here. Otherwise, why would two high ranked/respectable mobsters want to duel and risk a 50/50 chance of losing everything?" If you look in the obits, you will see a fair few high-rankers there due to this very reason. It's possible they were just impatient, or arrogant and thought they were going to win. One legitimately wanted out of this life of ours, and I get that. Still, how many more will we see dueling just to see who has the biggest balls?
A more detailed response to dueling: "I think dueling is fucking fantastic. In a perfect world, the idiots around me would be dropping dead all the time, and dueling is just another big step toward that becoming a reality. I really do hope it comes to enjoy wide practice. It would certainly take some of the strain off of Mother Nature as far as making good on Darwin's theory is concerned. The only foreseeable problem is that the people that should be euthanized the most are too stupid to use it properly." Touché Mr. Anonymous, touché. We can certainly hope that the so called 'idiots' take themselves out, but doesn't it make it more fun when you have the opportunity to do it yourself? Things that make you go hmmm.
While dueling is still in its infancy we can only sit back and watch the show as it unfolds before us. Watching and waiting to see who will attack who first, or who will keep dueling in hopes of taking out more high-rankers in turn weakening other cities one by one. Who knows, maybe we will see it turn into the most effective way to ward off warring between cities. "I want to watch, but don't invite me!" and "I enjoy watching people go at it" are a couple of the more than few similar responses we received on the matter. Many are for it, but they are the same ones who just want to watch from the crack in their window coverings at home like some twisted voyeuristic maniac.
*****
Come One, Come All- Time For Hot Gossip
(That's What She Said?)
Rumors Provided by You, Assorted by Reporter Kettle
Our weekly section "Share *Your* Gossip" was intended for you, the readers, to share whatever was on your mind. The feature has already far surpassed our wildest expectations, having already churned out a few interesting tidbits, rumors and flat out allegations against some of the biggest and baddest mobsters in our world. While we report the tip-offs that catch our attention initially, it seems as if we have just as much, if not more, random gossip about various citizens that roam our streets.
So, after looking at the lot we had left and trying to make decisions on what to do with them, we decided to do updates on what we'd received, when we could. Look for our new segment, "Hot Gossip", to be featured in every few issues of our paper. Now, on to what you all have reported:
Philadelphia Mobster Fred-the-bread has been rumored to have many vices, but none so salacious (or confusing) as the following: "Fred-the-bread loves the fat chicks. Seriously," said one anonymous source. While this fact is still pending verification, as we have yet to see Fred in the company of ANYONE, we urge the man to show his loving to whomever he wants, whenever he wants. Everyone needs love.
An unidentified Crew Leader in our fair cities was apparently overheard expressing his (or her!) desire for a 'naked housemaid' to 'clean their HQ'. "Occasionally cooking will be required, or cleaning up a mess post coitus!" Obvious sexual frustration aside, we urge this unnamed leader to step forward, and perhaps place a personal ad in our Life and Times section of TT:GX.
"I saw Typhon leaving his HQ with not one, but TWO midget hookers," a source disclosed to the Tea Time Editors. "I think they were hookers, they sure looked like hookers at least. One or both could have also possibly been men." New York Right Hand Typhon is usually a man that keeps to himself, but it seems to us that he has quite the flourishing personal life- as apparently many of the members of his family do as well. As our source stated, "There is something perverse going on behind the walls of Morningwood Elite."
Respectable, hard-working, manly. All words that come to mind when you think of Philadelphia leader Jaqen_Hghar. However, did you know: "Jaqen_Hghar wears women's panties"? Our source was very adamant about this fact, as if they had almost seen them on the man with their own eyes. Keeping in touch with his feminine side- survival strategy, or strange fetish? Only time will tell.
"I once witnessed Vaticus touch Countdown inappropriately," another fearful mobster told us over a casual tea date. Long rumored to have a fling, we feel it is now confirmed, and should be taken publicly. However, approach the pair with caution: it was apparently such a strange and scary sight, that our source had to reveal, "I still have nightmares to this day."
Stay tuned for more gossip shared by your fellow crew-mates and mafiosi.
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Because We *Love* What You Have to Say
The ladies over at Tea Time know that the voice of a community can only be as strong as that: the community! Every week we will be featuring three random survey questions over, well, just about any ol' subject in our fair world. As much as we would love to ask each and every single one of you individually what you think, it would help us out a lot if you could take the time to answer the questions for us on your own time! Simply fill out the attached leaflets, and we will do the rest!
Your answers will help us with bringing the freshest perspective of the community to the community in our following issue. And who knows- maybe your famous words themselves will be featured in an article!
So grab your pen, fill in our questionnaires, and we'll take it from there. And as always, thanks for helping to voice your opinion!
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Spill the Beans!
Care to Share?
I'm sure many of you wonder what makes a tabloid like this continue to run past a single issue. Well I will tell you how, kids: GOSSIP!
As the title states, we're asking whether or not you all would care to share. Heard anything interesting lately? Is there a Made Man out there worthy of notice? Is someone planning a coup? Did someone kill someone, and only you know about it? We need your gossip!
So, spill the beans! Leave the Editors at TT:GX a note with any information you may have heard, and if it's as newsworthy as we hope it will be, it could become a featured article in our next issue! Everything will be completely, 100% anonymous- all you have to do is pass it on and we'll take it from there.
Well, what are you waiting for? Share *Your* Gossip!
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As always, any questions, comments or concerns are welcome, and can be sent addressed to the Tea Time Editors, c/o Katniss. |
