The Tabloid News LIV
Dread Pirate Pickles: Dread Editor-In-Chief
FROM THE EDITOR
So, there I was, walking home from the bar around 2am when I was stopped by a guy on the sidewalk in front of a house. He invited me in to join their party and have some beers. I asked if he lived there or if it would get awkward with the residents. He lived there, so I looked into the house as their door was open, and there was a giant pirate flag hanging in the living room. Being a “Dread Pirate” myself, my drunken mind took this as a good sign (OOC – if they like Coach Mike Leach, they must be good people). I might have got into a windowless van with that mentality. Anyway, so I end up in a conversation with this girl, and since I’m me, instead of hitting on her, we get into a discussion on regional linguistics. A few times I had brief moments of clarity and wondered “why am I here? How did I get here?” I tried to leave once, but she made me stay. We went back inside the house and there was a discussion on creation vs. evolution. In my drunken state, I kept repeating “It was aliens! It was the ancient aliens.” Later, I end up walking the girl home because she lived a few blocks from the house we were at and a block and a half away from my house. On the way, she mentioned she owned a business. She told me she sells sex toys – you try saying “Cecelia sells sex toys” five times fast! So, I told her I would buy a toy for guys from her if it would also spit in my mouth and call me names. She didn’t get it.
TABLOID EDITOR ASSAULTS ENEMY WITH SWISS ARMY KNIFE
Last night after realizing his tab was more than his available cash on hand, The Tabloid News editor Dread Pirate Pickles needed to make the short walk home to get money from his sock drawer (rent be damned!). Walking down the sidewalk, he was assaulted by a low hanging tree branch that scratched his forehead. This is the third instance of assault by this branch. Once it knocked him to his knees, and another time scratched his face. Pickles walked home angrily, the hatred building up in his soul, boiling over like a pot of spaghetti that had been left unattended. On his return trip to the bar to pay his tab, he passed the nefarious branch once more. Overcome with brilliance, Pickles took his Swiss Army Knife out of his pocket and opened the saw blade and cut the branch off. He returned to the bar carrying his war trophy for all the word to see.
KATNISS ACCUSED OF USING PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS
Tea Time reporter, Katniss, has been accused by the Associated Press Association of using performance enhancing drugs to type faster and produce more articles. A three month long sting operation involving undercover APA agents has produced proof that Katniss’ normal writing ability is on par with a 3rd grade student, but with the drugs Typetol, Reporterin, and Aspirin (to alleviate finger pain from typing), she is able to produce the Tea Time. There is no word yet what actions the APA will be taking against Katniss or Tea Time.
ZOMBEE IN LOVE OCTAGON
Zombee, another reporter for Tea Time, has been in family court to determine the paternity of her illegitimate love child. She has accused Big Foot, Dracula, Donbot, Yeti, Herbert Hoover, The Mummy, Kuklinski, and an Alien of fathering her child. “It was a wild weekend,” Zombee told the judge. “I don’t really remember all the details, but I think that was definitely most of them.” The judge could not be reached for comment as he was busy cursing his correspondence school law degree which kept in him in family court hearing cases as ludicrous as Zombee’s.
ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Red,
I’ve been publicly seen reading a rival publication and even won a cash prize for doing so. I’m so ashamed. I don’t know what to do! It’s dirty money. I don’t feel right about keeping it.
Signed, DPP
Dear Boss,
You should be ashamed! You’re an awful awful man! And, if you don’t feel right about keeping the money, you can always give me a bonus.
Red
Dear Red,
I need to tell everyone about Pickles’ promotion, but I can’t think of anything nice to say! Especially after all the articles he’s written about my abuses of power. What should I do?
Signed, Vaticus
Dear Vatty,
I know! I had to introduce him at the office Christmas party. Fortunately, he wrote the introduction for me, and I just had to read it under fear of death. Perhaps you could let him write nice things about himself. It’s one of his hobbies.
Red
CASHMONEYMILLIONAIRE ABUSES PICKLES
CMM invited Pickles out for drinks last week, reporter to reporter, to ask his sage, sound, and wise advice on how to best write an article. During the evening, Cash encountered a problem unique to women. Not wanting to seem unseemly, she demanded Pickles find her a certain item used during times of problems unique to women. Frozen with fear, trepidation, and no small amount of embarrassment, Pickles sat perfectly still, hoping that if he didn’t move a muscle, Cash would not be able to see him anymore. “I’m Vaticus’ Left Hand Woman! You have to do as I say!” demanded Cash. Pickles was forced to go from waitress to waitress asking as discreetly as possible if they had an extra certain item used during problems unique to women. He finally found a waitress with an extra certain item used during problems unique to women. She thought he was being such a good boyfriend and was really sweet for trying to find his “girlfriend” a certain item used during problems unique to women. Finally, Pickles found a girl who thinks he is nice, but he was unable to hit on her or even to try to explain why he was hunting around for certain items used during problems unique to woman for someone who was not his girlfriend. Pickles is rumoured to have started crying.
Ed. Note – This has been a special edition of The Tabloid News because three out of the five articles are based on real events. Yes, even the Zombee article.
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