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| The Gospel According to Branston, 26. | Started by: Strummer on Oct 23, '08 22:08 |
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Laid down here is the 26th Chapter of the Gospel according to Branston. It details the urge of Doyle and others' desire to rid Sprozza from this world, for they feared and envied him greatly. The Plot Against Sprozza Sprozza said to his disciples, "As you know, the piss up is two days away—and the Son of Mafie will be handed over to be wackbacked" Meanwhile, the Leaders and the elders of the people assembled in the coffeeshop of the Crew leader, whose name was Doyle, and they plotted to arrest Sprozza in some sly way and kill him. "But not during the Feast of Unbridled Gaiety," they said, "or there may be a riot among the people." Sprozza Anointed at the Co Op While Sprozza was at the Co Op in the dairy aisle, a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive Hugo Boss, which she poured on his head as he was reclining in his trolley. When the disciples saw this, they were indignant. "Why this waste?" they asked, the stingy little fucks, "This aftershave could have been sold at a soounnd price on the market and the money given to the poor." Aware of this, Sprozza said to them, "Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her." Sprozza was just blagging though to be honest, in reality he thought the lass was quite fit and was just looking at chalking up some brownie points. Get in lad. ExternalLink Agrees to Betray Sprozza Then one of the Twelve—the one called ExternalLink Mongalot— went to the Crew leaders and asked, "What are you willing to give me if I hand him over to you?" So they counted out for him thirty silver (chocolate) coins. From then on ExternalLink watched for an opportunity to hand him over. The Lordy Lordy's Supper It was the first day of the Feast of Unbridled Gaiety, and the disciples came to Sprozza and asked, "Where do you want us to make preparations for you to drink until you shit yourself?" He replied, "Go into the city to a certain man and tell him, 'The Teacher says: My appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the piss up with my disciples at your house.' ", So the disciples did as Sprozza had directed them and prepared the great piss up. When evening came, Sprozza was reclining at the table with the Twelve, and while they were munching away on kebab and chips, he said, "I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me." All the proper reet disciples were really devo'ed and said one after the other "Surely not I, Lordy?" Sprozza replied, "The one who has dipped his hand into the minge with me will betray me. The Son of Mafie will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Mafie! It would be better for him if he had not been born." Then ExternalLink, the one who would betray him, said, "Surely not I, Lordy lordy??" Sprozza answered, "Yes, it is you." While they were eating, Sprozza took a bag of Walkers Prawn Cocktail, gave thanks and opened it, unleashing the foiled freshness. He gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; for this is my body." Then he took a tin of white lightning cider, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink of this fruit of the tree from now on until that day when I drink it anew with you in my Father Jethro's kingdom." Sprozza paused for a moment before adding, "'Coz they have dead good cider in heaven lads, you'll love it tbh." When they had sung a rambunctious song about wopping your tits out for the lads, they departed for the local park. Sprozza Predicts Nino's Denial Then Sprozza told them, "This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written: "I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered", but after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee." Nino replied, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will." "I tell you the truth," Sprozza answered, "this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." But Nino declared, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." And all the other disciples said the same. Sprozza knew Nino was bullshitting a bit obviously, but it was "np" as Sprozza knew he was a dead good lad really. Go on Nino my son. The Local Park Then Sprozza went with his disciples to a place called The Local Park, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took Nino and the two sons of Mikado along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." To be fair though, Nino and Mikado's two sons thought he was just a bit pissed and acting like a maudlin dickhead, how wrong they were. Moving on... Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the safety rubber mats they have in playgrounds to stop kids smashing their faces in, and prayed, "My Father Jethro, if it is possible, may this tinny be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Nino. "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." He went away a second time and prayed, "My Father Jethro, if it is not possible for this tinny to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Mafie is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us go! Here comes my betrayer!" Sprozza is arrested While he was still speaking, ExternalLink, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the Crew Leaders and the elders of the CL coffeeshop. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him." Going at once to Sprozza, ExternalLink said, "Greetings, Lordy Lordy!" and planted a smacker right on his lips.. Sprozza wretched a bit then said, "Friend, do what you came for." Then the men stepped forward, seized Sprozza and arrested him. With that, one of Sprozza's disciples, Clause, reached for his sword, drew it out and struck the servant of the Crew Leader, cutting off his ear. He was a very angry boy was Clause. "Put your sword back in its place," Sprozza said to him, "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword, like that time your dad shot himself in the fact a bit. Do you think I cannot call on my Father Jethro, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of slags? But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?" At that time Sprozza said to the crowd, "Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me? Every day I sat in the temple courts teaching, and you did not arrest me. But this has all taken place that the writings of the prophets might be fulfilled." Then all the disciples deserted him and fled. The twats. Seriously, what a wanky thing to do. Before the Leaders. Those who had arrested Sprozza took him to Doyle's house, where the sycophants and morons had assembled, but Nino followed him at a distance, right up to the courtyard of the Leader. He entered and sat down with the guards to see the outcome. The Crew leaders were looking for false evidence against Sprozza so that they could put him to death by wackback, they did not find any, though many false witnesses came forward. Finally two came forward and declared, "This fellow said, 'I am able to destroy the temple of Jethro and rebuild it in three days.' " Then Doyle stood up and said to Sprozza, "Are you not going to answer? What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you?" But Sprozza remained silent. The Leader said to him, "I charge you under oath by the living God: Tell us if you are the Boris, the Son of Jethro." "Yes, it is as you say," Sprozza replied. "But I say to all of you: In the future you will see the Son of Mafie sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven." He did actually mean coming too. This dirty shit was actually going to have a four fingered shuffle in Heaven. Son of Mafie indeed. Then Doyle tore his clothes and said, "He has spoken blasphemy! Why do we need any more witnesses? Look, now you have heard the blasphemy. What do you think?" "He is worthy of wackback!" the sycophants chorused. Then they spit in his face and struck him with their fists. Others slapped him and said, "Prophesy to us, Boris. Who hit you?" Bit of a mean thing to do really. Nino disowns Sprozza. Sprozza says "Told you so." Now Nino was sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl came to him. "You also were with Sprozza of Chicago," she said. But he denied it before them all. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said. Then he went out to the gateway, where another girl saw him and said to the people there, "This fellow was with Jesus of Madchestoh!" He denied it again, with an oath: "I don't know the man!" After a little while, those standing there went up to Nino and said, "Surely you are one of them, for your accent gives you away." (racists) Then he began to call down curses on himself, he had tourette's, and he swore to them, "I don't know the man!" Immediately a rooster crowed, and Nino remembered the word Sprozza had spoken: "Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." And he went outside and wept bitterly, pounding his bloodied fists against the ground in impotent rage. |
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Malc looks around his heart heavy after hearing of all of this, knowing his life will never be the same but somehow noone else in the street seems to be taking notice of the man. Strummer you are a modern day prophet, and although none of these HEATHENS have taken notice of your readings, they have forced me to look deep inside myself and I have found redemption. From now on I vow to live my life in accordance with the high god Jethro, and try to follow the example shown by the lord lordy lord Sprozza all except for one thing. I'm not drinking that white lightning stuff, I know the demons that take over a man after such liquid has been consumed. thank you for bringing these teachings to the world and helping me find my following. all praise the Lord Sprozza. |
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| Reply by: Malc_The_Alc at Oct 24, '08 08:55 | |
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I do believe that all who have read this amazing piece of scripture have been stunned by it's truthfulness, and the fact that they are now believers. It's hard NOT to become a believer after this has been spoken about. It was so glaringly obvious all the way through, I cannot believe I was too blind to see it! Come along my speechless amigos, we must repent and follow the teachings of the Sprozzles. |
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| Reply by: Mane at Oct 24, '08 11:26 | |
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TheSpacePope was, sadly, the only one with divine insight into this life of ours. I can only deem anyone else who attempts to imitate having divine power or insight into this life as a lunatic and a heretic. G'day. Echelon savagely tears apart the Gospel According to Branston before disappearing behind a corner store. |
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| Reply by: Echelon at Oct 24, '08 16:20 | |
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In Syriana's fourth letter to the Yourmumians, he claimed Echelon was a total cunt. Praise be to Sprozza. |
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| Reply by: Son_of_Mafie at Oct 24, '08 16:37 | |
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