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| Tea Time!: Issue Twelve | Started by: Marietta on Oct 24, '08 23:40 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Twelve: Ashes Ashes, We All Fucking Died You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. Ashes, ashes, we all fucking died. Except Tea Time! After a small hiatus and two weeks of never ending fucking confusion at the offices- including multiple fire bombs and several deaths of our staff- we're back and better than ever. Or at least, better than the last two weeks when we were non-existent. Either way, rejoice fair mobsters! We shall work our way into your weekly routines and hearts once more. As you can see (and as our title dictates), everyone fucking died. What exactly happened? Well, if you don't know by now you're probably living under a rock so it doesn't matter to you anyway. That, or you are the smelly mobster, whom the rest of us point and laugh at. Either way watch out, bitches- Britney's back. Get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Smell that? That's us being awesome, IShotTheSheriff, Tatiana and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. Second Disclaimer: If you are alive, hell, even if you are dead, you MAY be the subject of one or many of our articles. If you don't like it please forward all hate mail to Heidi Hoels at Tea Time, c/o Marietta. Thanks! **** Bona Fide Hustler Making a Name? Article by Reporter Black Is the whole world mad or is it just Marietta and her side kick Cab_Tufting? It's understood that our world needed some more housing for it's people, but guys, way to pick some winners. As you walk up to any street corner or back alley you'll hear the gossip of the new auths and it usually isn't good. Okay, okay lets get down to business. We have TheSpacePope and Bi-Polar_Bear who actually seem to be going places. Props to them. Moving right along we'll trip right over two bums, oh wait! They are crew leaders, Task Master and Juggalo. TaskMaster must be busy with his tasks or touching himself, he's been pretty quiet so far. As for Juggalo, he'll probably die within the next three weeks. After giving them a cardboard box to sleep in you'll find yourself standing in front of Hayley, who is working most of the corners you pass and Dante_Balboni, Hayley's pimp. The two were seen on the corner of Third and Elm last Friday. Hayley was handing a few bills over to Dante while Dante smiled at the pretty little lady and told her to get back to work. Finally, there is Fantom_Ghost. Him and his life long partner, Phantom_Ghost had gone to see The Phantom of the Opera and that is where they got there cute matching names. If you listen closely you can already hear the women and children's cries at this auth. All Fantom_Ghost's bloodline is known for is being a name dropping idiot. Wonder how he got auth.... What about Doyle? Yeah, what about Doyle. We can only hope for some good auths. Possibly Armani. Oh no, he's dead. Or maybe VagInATube...he's dead too. Premier? He'll probably be dead also. Smell the air people, you might smell something fishy. **** Pick of the Litter Where's the Runt? Article by Reporter Pot Shortly after the death of nearly everyone and their Mothers (literally), a whole new breed started popping up. It seems the late Flying Pig really got around to impregnating more than Lily. The truth comes out after the dust had settled when Hi, and Zoey popped up claiming that they had the same father. Smart little Hi is the genius offspring of Lily and Flying Pig. Some say that he is one of the most intelligent Mafiosi out there today. Others claim that Hi is amongst the best looking roaming the seven cities to date. I mean really, with a mother like Lily how could Hi be ugly? I say that Hi is a pretty cool mofo who had the fortune of being a product of two even cooler cats. Hi had a very tough birth though. He was born as his mother lay dying in the dark alleys of Philly. As soon as he popped out, he grabbed his mothers shiny gun and shot the face off of her killer. He knew at that moment he was born to do great things. He made his way over to the place Lily called home for so long, and started working his way up as a small child. Now he's made a name for himself as RHM in Los Angeles working for Bi-Polar_bear. A pretty good outcome of genetics there. The other offspring that we know of to date is Zoey. Zoey's parents were Flying Pig and Maxie. Now one would think that with parents like that how could this one not pick up gun. It has been heard by more than one person that "girls can't shoot". Let me tell you how upset that made little Zoey. She ended up killing that person and the two people that stood next to him all with the same bullet. Now if that doesn't scare you, I don't know what would. Zoey is also a RHW working out of Detroit for Marietta. Her and her half brother are making fine names for themselves and establishing themselves within the community. It looks like the apples don't fall too far from the tree with these two. Following in daddy's footsteps looks like the safest way to go. Now I'm left wondering. How many other illegitimate half pigs are out there. I'm sure that sometime during his "quest to reproduce the intelligent" he slipped up and went to bed with someone he's probably ashamed of. I'm sure that there is a runt out there running around trying to prove themselves but desperately falling short. Obviously Flying Pig was doing more than being a loyal RH to Iris while The Java Cartel was in business. The question remains, how many more are out there? I urge you to come forward and band together. I'm sure that some little poser will try to claim Flying Pig is his daddy too. Hell, maybe there should be an intelligence test as well as a physical endurance test to see who can last. The failures get exiled to a desolate island where they can roam around trying to stake their claim as the alphas. If nothing else they will be sure to kill each other off, thus eliminating a population of lesser human beings. Only time will tell. **** It's Hunting Season! Better Watch Yo' Ass Before The Hunter Becomes The Hunted Rant by Reporter Kettle Tea Time in general is here to report on issues that not a lot of people speak about, or consider 'taboo'. This rant is about one of said subjects that I have rarely, if ever, seen addressed on our shores. I'm sure it is one that has pissed off many a mobster, especially Crew Leaders, at one point or another in their career. And that, my friends, is member poaching. Now, many of you are probably wondering exactly what 'member poaching' is. Those of you that this has happened to in the past have probably just had the little train track in their brain snap into place and are now enraged. Simmer down old timers! Let me explain to the youngins' what this phenomenon is, why it's so damned popular, and why it should fucking stop. Member poaching is the act of stealing a member from another, already established, family. Usually this occurs when one person is authorized to start their own family, and shows his or her gratitude to their former boss by trying to steal, oh, you know, about fifteen people to go with them. Well who wouldn't, right? Many new leaders would consider it smart to grab as many high rankers to protect themselves with as possible. And if the original Crew Leader in question allows these people to go, then they fucking deserve it. That is not to say, however, that the baby Mob Boss shouldn't know better. Well Reporter Kettle is here to say: Fucking stop that, Joe Schmoe. Take a Right Hand and Left Hand and do as those before you have, work towards building a fucking crew. Stop trying to poach high rankers for positions like 'alternate Left Hand' and 'Hitlist Watcher'. What in the world makes you think you are entitled to steal people left and fucking right when your crew leader pulled themselves up by their boot straps and are truly self-made men and women? Nothing. Nada. You are not entitled to anything. You should be thanking your lucky fucking stars that you even got authorized to set up. You should be even luckier if they decide to give you a small start up loan and a one or two people for a Right and Left Hand. Don't disrespect their generosity by trying to put your hand in the grab-bag of mobsters and draw at will. Do excuse me if I seem too forward, but I'm just letting you know. Some Crew Leaders (the more ethical and assholish ones) might not sit for this for much longer. If you value your life, think before you ask, and stop being such a dick when they say no. Yeah. **** MARIETTA YOU ARE MARGINALLY LESS BITCHY THAN HEIDI Please Answer Our Questions! Q: Dear Marietta, Hey, where the fuck where you guys? I missed you more than you know. ~ I touch myself when I read Tea Time A: Hey... Touch Yourself, Well, it was a sad state of affairs (see what I did there?). After the war that left everyone but me dead (HAHAHA), Tea Time staff members took a holiday together, to celebrate life, love, and have kinky hot lesbian sex. And then Sheriff got the herp. Scarily enough, Tatiana gave it to her. And somehow Hagatha managed to get another breast augmentation. Now we're all back, ready to write, and generally just entertain the masses! ...Except you. Don't fucking buy Tea Time again, pervert. ** Q: Marietta, I'm a new mobster. There are tons of crews to choose from. Who would you recommend joining? Thanks, Single and Looking A: Single, I'd feel extremely biased answering this question. So I called up one of my faithful associates, and asked her to answer this question for me. She had this to say: For a good time, call Briana_Arao. ** Q: Wow Marietta, It seems as if being apart of an underground crew is all the rage. Are you in an underground crew? - Curious A: Curious, Underground crews should be spit upon, kicked in the groin, have their grandmothers taken roughly in the barn and then some. They should contract rabies from a wandering squirrel, the herp from one of us lovely Tea Time ladies, and should drink the ink out of a pen just to secure the deal with a nice case of ink poisoning. So to answer your question, no. I'm not and never have been. Tea leaves and scones, Marietta **** WTF Rant by Reporter Sugar Success! Dat bum's swimmin with da fishes. There's a lot of fat fucking fish in the world thanks to this thing of ours. There's no need to thank us, sea food lovers. We love war. We love to shoot. We love to kill. We love to feed fishes. We are the mafia, after all. Feeding fish is what we do best. We will continue to keep your fishes fat, especially with the cold dead rotten corpses of disloyal fuckers like Caligula, U_Froglike_Plot and other worthless criminals who joined the people who killed their leaders, Daera and Shagggyd. We hope you like the taste of back stabbing traitors, you cute little fishes. As long as they are in the mafia we will do our best to keep feeding them to you. Bon appetit. A scientist from Germany made a wild prediction recently by stating an atomic bomb could be powerful enough to kill every living thing on the planet except cock roaches and Iron Fist. What the fuck? As crazy as it sounds the scientist was right. Doyle, StripheCorelli, and King_Cav, all descendants of the group Iron Fist, survived the recent war that killed nearly everyone else that mattered in the mafia. The scientist also predicted a sex toy would be the second highest ranked Mafioso and in the future we will all communicate, love and hate each other through computerized boxes in our homes. What the fuck? Go fuck yourself, Mr. Smarty Pants. We don't want to hear anymore of your crazy predictions. The King is gone. Oh, what a reign. The King of Kings, the legend, the best street speaker, greatest hit man in the history of the mafia, the good old boy who killed all the other good old boys, the winner of the mafia history quiz and father of many smart children, FlyingPig is dead as a doornail. Forget the war. A better story to tell your children is where you were when you heard the greatest Mafioso in the world was killed. After his death a few people were heard talking smack about him on the streets. What the fuck? Were all the good things people said about him not true? They must've been meaningless empty words said by ass kissers who didn't want the Pig to kill their sorry worthless asses. Now that FlyingPig is dead the ass kissers are passing along their compliments to Marietta like sloppy seconds, but there are still a few people who still love and worship the Pig. He was what young mobsters should strive to be. From working man to royalty to everlasting fame. The King is gone, but long live his name. Have you ever wondered why women are more successful in the mafia? I finally figured out the answer. It's because men are whiny fucking bitches. Why didn't you answer my mail? The other hitters are faster than me. Can I be promoted yet? I can't sleep. My head hurts. What the fuck? Stop scratching your balls and get over it. Have some fucking patience if your mail isn't answered right away. The other hitters are faster than you because they aren't whining. If you ask about your promo your leader should kill you. Drink some warm fucking milk if you can't sleep. I don't give a damn if your head hurts. I'll beat the hell out of it with a baseball bat if you don't stop whining and shut the fuck up. Be a man, not a whiny bitch. **** Doyle Makes The Silent Yelp Seriously? by Hagatha Nodick October 23rd saw the sparking of a war against Cab_Tufting's The Silent by Doyle's The Wanderers. Out of the gate, things went awry. The first wave was small and aside from the kill shot on Caby, no other casualties were reported. This war was easily turned around with favor to Tufting right? Apparently not. Despite being thrashed publicly by many people as not having any idea how to run things, Doyle righted his ship and took control over a vastly more experienced opponent. To say that the start of this war was a disaster for Doyle was an understatement, but he kept calm and continued to plug along. The war took an interesting twist as PistolShotgun, an ape-ish Made Man from Don Marietta's crew fired into Cab_Tufting's bodyguards. Believing she was a part of the attack, and negating the fact that if Don Marietta were involved in the planning of war certainly more than just Caby would've been felled on the first wave, Cab_Tufting belittled her in front of the other crewleaders, and killed PistolShotgun in a rage. Rumor has it that instead of trying to dodge the bullet, Pistol drooled and pondered on the mysterious meaning of the word, "oi". As of now, it is unclear as to Don Marietta's involvement in the war, but it certainly gave Doyle a boost to know that Cab had shot himself and his family in the foot when it came to asking favors of her for the remainder of the war. The battle wore on for about 13 or 14 hours; mostly being one-sided. At one point near the halfway mark, Cab_Tufting sent out a mail saying that he had enough of the war and it was up to his people to fend for themselves. The community at-large certainly seemed stunned at the actions of the Consigliere crewleader. Cab spent the rest of the war muttering about how anyone could get authed these days, out of earshot of everyone but this reporter. It is strange because many of these auths were approved or nominated by Mr. Tufting himself. He also pulled the favored underdog move of creating a banner illustrating that Doyle had missed a shot on him, and paraded it around for all to see that Doyle couldn't steady his gun and aim correctly so he should find someone without shaky hands to help him pee? At least that's what I gathered from all this. On what some are telling me was his 4th try, and after all but annihilating Cab_Tufting's family, Doyle succeeded and killed the Philadelphia Consigliere. Don Marietta was quick to announce that the unsponsored members from The Silent would be protected, although many people scratched their heads as no one was sure if there were actually any left. Doyle's camp wasn't able to be reached for comment on this article, but it was probably because he was being fed soft food with an airplane motion via spoon. **** Free Entertainment Hooker not included Article by Reporter Black As you stroll through the streets you'll hear many speeches on politics, but my favorite ones are the rare speeches of entertainment. The ones you find being preformed in theaters or just on the corner down the street. They aren't really speeches, more like stories. I, reporter Black, have always picked out the groups of our world. The next set of groups that I'm going to introduce are the entertainment groups. They come to our streets and tell us their stories. They excite our boring and mundane lives. Make us think we live in an exciting world. First we have the group that goes by R.P.E. They are probably the most well known story tellers of our time. Now it's rumored that R.P.E. stands for Role Players Elite, as their actors and actresses take on many roles as they perform to the public. Personally I think R.P.E. stands for Rich Prudes Elope. A year ago the eloping richies were pretty common in our streets, bringing in many stories on each week. As of now, things are getting a little dry in the bedroom of the world for the R.P.E. group. The only signs of them these days are the (ex) members wearing the R.P.E. tattoo some where on their bodies. Next there is D.R.P.S. What's up with all these letters guys? Rumored to represent Dead Role Players Society, but we all know it's Dirty Robbery Prostitute Shoes. Like R.P.E., the Prostitutes haven't been seen putting on any public shows in our theaters or streets in awhile. Maybe they are really dead. Finally something exciting. Well only exciting because one of our own editors started this group. IShotTheSheriff started the entertainment group called Devils Angels about three years ago. It's been an underground thing till now, where she has taken it public and encourages anyone who would like to participate in entertaining our streets to get a hold of her. Good luck to you IShotTheSheriff, but I'm sure your group, that you founded, will fall silent just like all the others. There is also the group RIFK. Really, I don't think anyone knows what the letters represent, not even the founders. Maybe River In Flotation Karate or Rainbows In Fucking Kolor. Crazy folks over in that tree house, for real. They do put out a few damn good entertainment speeches. Zishla Enterprises is the last entertainment group I will mention today. It's up and coming fresh off the streets. Their newest entertainment skit is called Light and Dark, you can see it playing at any street corner from LA to NY. **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings Right Hand for The Fallen Angels, Malc_The_Alc, sneaking sips off of associate's drinks at a family birthday party. A one SeamanStaines, Left Hand to the HSM Friend Ship, leaving a seedy looking hotel, accompanied by a handbag stuffed full of socks. Doyle, Mob Boss to The Wanderers of Detroit, throwing up outside of a well known Philly restaurant after having had his dinner there. Was heard muttering, "I hate my life..." Miss Drama Extraordinaire, Zoey of The Riot!, protesting for pigeon's rights in Central Park. The self-proclaimed happiest man in the mafia Prozac, rattling a tin can at people outside of a bank. Was heard yelling "MONEY FOR ME! MONEY FOR YOU!" Guerilla, Left Hand to Juggalo, sitting on a street bench and staring blankly at passerby. Was doing so while eating chicken. Man and Mob Boss from New Orleans, Dante_Balboni, checking out his reflection in the windows of a department store. Was heard whispering, "You so sexy baby..." Thomas, part time Right Hand for the former family "The Silent", dying in the gutter and making everyone at Tea Time really sad. **** Some Motivation For Ya Contest by Reporter Black You slackers. Seriously. I know Tea Time is fantastic, but I didn't know it had the power of a tornado, taking out everything in it's way. First the Tribune swirled up in the funnel like a cow and spit out miles away battered and bruised. Then it was the Bloody Tissue that took a fall down a few stairs from a sudden gust of tornado wind and ended up very bloody and dead. After that Daze Craze radio graced our streets for a short three episodes, but as soon as it's creators died the show died too, wow if everything ran like that we'd never have a problem with bloodlines. Maybe the guys at Daze Craze were Quakers. Now we saw a little show, a little attempt towards the newspaper world from Zishla. Good attempt, but to be blunt it wasn't all that good. I could have sworn I saw Zishla buttering up the streets in other places maybe for a chance at auth? We'll never know, he'll go down with Fantom in about a week. Either way, his paper was for himself, not the people. The people deserve a paper for them and only them. Maybe that's why Tea Time is still around. You love us, we hate you. It's a win win situation here. Back to motivation. I'm pretty motivated to hate you (especially you Fantom_Ghost, as long as you are a crew leader Reporter Black will be here to rip you to shreds). The people are slacking. I'd like to help you guys become motivated. My first way to motivate you is to challenge everyone to a contest. PRIZES PRIZES! Lets get these out of the way first, as they are the important thing here. The winner(s) of this contest will receive three free tattoos. So if you have three people in your group, each one gets a tattoo. If you have five, still only three get a tattoo. If you have one, that one person has the chance to redeem three free tattoos. The group (or person) that wins will receive a free family crest tattoo, now if you are not all in a family, each family that is involved in the group will receive a customized family crest. The group (or person) will be extended a personal invitation from IShotTheSheriff to participate in the very exclusive acting (role playing) team. If you can write a paper you can probably act. Satan's Cherubs want you! Each person in the group that wins will receive an exclusive professional (we won't slander your name too badly and always in your favor) interview for the next Tea Time issue. Ever want to see your name up in lights? This would be an excellent way to get your foot in the door of popularity. No cash prizes?! What is wrong with us??? Well if you take a look around we are sort of in a depression, plus fame will get you farther then money. It's the people you know, not the cash you owe. Moving on to the contest. What is it?? Stop yelling and slow down. I want you to do what we do here. I want you to write a paper. If the prizes above sound tasty to you and you'd like to show off your article writing skills grab a few of your friends, associates, family or that bum you tripped over while picking up the newest issue of Tea Time sign up! You may also work alone if you are one of those dark and brooding emos (CP). Flip to Page 7A for more information. **** Hagatha's Bootpig Pen Devil's Angels - A Wing and a Prayer Surly Group of Rejects Annoy Others by Hagatha Nodick In my time in this world, Hagatha has seen some of the best and some of the the worst "underground" groups patrolling around the alleys of our world. Fuckerish Mob and CP can be considered some of the good, both felled by the cyclical nature of our world. Recently though Hagatha saw some appalling new group spark up that has, to date, had more failure than they have had success. Yet, despite the numerous attempts to disrupt other mobsters' lives, they have been an abysmal group with no redemptive value. Their origins are unknown, but the strongest rumors are circulating from the IShotTheSheriff camp as claiming responsibility for their evolution. We wouldn't put it past her as from what we can tell, she'd probably be their smartest member. That is not important though... What IS important is they have been a nuisance like soaking all the rolls of toilet paper in a public restroom with water. In the last week and a half we have seen public disruptions from the likes of Armani, DemonChild, CharlieScene, `Naamah`, Juliet`, FatalRage, `Romeo, Lust, and Anarchy. They have spawned from several families and have made their intentions known to be blatantly against the roles that mobsters normally take. One member, Brianna, is still at large and up until a day ago was still wearing Devil's Angel tags despite being a RH... for a family. Should be interesting to see how that plays out. These groups genuinely have NO place in the mafia; family first, family always. They will always exist though, and the best we can do is band together to eradicate them as we have time and again in the past. It is unfathomable that we let small groups who value each other over family take hold of our ability to make money and expand business enterprises. This time they were stifled to killing two upstart crews. Is this progress? Or is it an apparition because they're so dumb? **** WTF Double Dose! Rant by Reporter Sugar Where in the hell has Marietta been? Why didn't she tell everyone and their fucking brother where she's going and when she'll be back? Someone said she has a life away from the mafia. What the fuck? She obviously didn't get the memo stating that leaders aren't allowed to have a life. They should be here twenty four hours a day. No rest for the wicked. On one rare occasion when Marietta was here she spoke on the streets about family matters. According to Numbers4Glory the Don is a very busy woman and her speech should have been one sentence. Fuck those long informative speeches by Hi and his ancestors. Thank you, Numbers4Glory for trying to teach Marietta how to address the public, but sadly she didn't hear it because she wasn't here. What did the war for the betterment of our community accomplish? Absolutely fucking nothing. It's a whole new world, but the same old bloodlines are in charge. What the fuck? Dressed in pin stripe italic suits are mobsters from the bloodlines of Iris, Anita, FlyingPig, Birday, Alessia, JesusTheGangster, FakeManCP, Silk and morte. What the fuck are these people going to say or do that we haven't seen or heard already? Before you open your big mouth and say, "They are experienced and trusted mobsters." I have two questions for you. When was the last time you talked to a friend? When was the last time you talked to someone in your family you've never talked to before? As long as you spend more time talking to friends than you do mentoring new blood we'll continue the see the same old bloodlines with power. Get to know new people, teach them about this thing of ours and give them a fucking chance to shine. Enough about the golden girls in italics. It's time for a rant about a freak in bold. The true meaning of Bi-Polar_Bear's name was revealed recently when he came out of the closet, but only partially. What the fuck? The mafia leader is affectionately known as Bi-Sexual-Polar_Bear within his circle of movie star friends. Not only has he rocked the worlds of many men and women in Los Angeles, but there are also several new sex positions named after him. What the fuck is the twisted slap happy big daddy bear position? Nevermind. We don't want to know. Keep on truckin, Bear. We love you and as long as you're happy that's all that matters. Why do we come back? This question was asked on a street corner recently. Most of the people who answered said they come back to the business where their parents and ancestors worked because of friends. What the fuck? You people make me sick. You should be here for family, power and money. If you're only here because of friends stay in the fucking coffee shops and talk to them. Don't get involved in business. There was no war when there should have fucking been because leaders didn't want attack other leaders they were friends with then all of a sudden every fucking family is involved in a war. What the fuck? A few leaders who were friends attacked all the other leaders because of their friendship with other each other. Give me a fucking break and get back to how we should do business. Don't put yourself and your family in the line of fire just to help a friend. If a family is a threat to you and yours take them out. If you don't have the guns and the balls to do it yourself keep your ass at home. If you don't like the way another leader is doing business don't overlook it because he's a friend. Fuck friendship. Take the mother fucker out. It's business. Not personal. **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Sneaky Family Betrayer. (Mr. Sneaky Family Bee-tray-ah!) Your goal is to take down the biggest and the boldest of the Mob Bosses, using any means necessary. Sneaking your way into the Head Quarters, you start your operation of "infiltrate the family". (I'm gunna get mine!) Pledging loyalty and passing yourself off as an exemplary family member, you think you have successfully tricked all your associates. (Such a sneaky mother fucker!) You pass along any scrap of information you can find. Left over Italian, bra sizes and middle names; nothing is too unimportant to overlook. (Damn she wears a push-up!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea, you Don-Destroying Kamikaze. You make a fine example out of yourself because your death teaches many new gangsters about loyalty. (Mr. Sneaky Family Betrayerrrrrrrrrrr!) **** Marietta The insufferable bitch who had to survive the war and ruin it for the rest of us by Hagatha Nodick You know I've been listening to speakers at home and abroad. They've gotten up on various soapboxes, neglecting to actually use the soap, and have torn Marietta a new one over and over. I can't blame them, I find her to be absolutely full of herself and unbelievably inept at handling a crew. Her most recent actions have been filling cities with two leaders each and surviving a war that claimed all but 3 people. I know, the nerve on that headweaving, fingerwagging bitch. Who the hell was she to trample on the best-laid plans of mice and men?! Oh, and I don't think she even HELPED during the Montbranstoncaligula war either. Someone told me that she had 4 Consig kills, and 1 Don kill, but what the hell do they know, that's why their name is "someone" and I can't even remember them to be notable enough to mention in this article. Then, not only does she have the nerve to survive a war she didn't even do anything in, she does this new auth thing. Are you serious? What were there, like 18 auths? I don't even have 18 friends, where the hell did she find 18 auths?! They obviously all suck, and things were going great before when no one was given a chance. Change is stupid, and anyone who thinks otherwise will probably get to be a CL at the rate that Marietta is giving it out. Cab_Tufting had the right idea by nominating and agreeing with the new auths, but then condemning them all. Oh Marietta, you had so much promise, but your time is coming to a close you unholy banshee. And that, my dear, will be pretty fucking mafia-like. **** Baby Got Back! Oh my God, Becky. Did that guy wack back? Article by Reporter Spice We like wack back and we can not lie. You other mobsters can't deny that when another mobster gets his itty bitty brains blown out you like it too. For those who get their rocks off by seeing other people get accidentally wacked it's been far too long since we've had the pleasure of seeing so many wack backs. The only joy has been the accidental deaths by what we call pro wacks. Those are worth a chuckle, but for a big belly thundering laugh there's nothing like the lethal and lovely wack back. The evidence of the pleasure people get from wack back was found on the graves of WindowsVista, LordofBiscuitTins and boobies2, all recent victims of wack back. Confetti, balloons and thank you cards were found on their sacred final resting places. Too much humor? I haven't even scratched the surface of the happiness and laughs in the seven cities. A young man in Philly was so happy about one of the wack backs he was arrested by the local police for allegedly masturbating in public. When questioned about why he touched his junk on the street instead of asking Briana_Arao for a helping hand SeamanStaines said, "My anaconda don't want none unless I see a wack back, hun." Mr. Staines is now blind after all his public display of affection for wack back. On a serious note, rest in peace to WindowsVista, LordofBiscuitTins and boobies2. You all died with honor and earned the respect of many mobsters who haven't been this entertained since Iris accidentally got wacked two days before she was eligible to be Godfather. So Fellas, do you have a friend who died from wack back? Don't hate it. Brag about it. Strut out to the streets, shake your healthy butt and tell the world, "Baby got back." **** The Blame Game Breaking News Article by Reporter Black Have you ever been in a circumstance where you were a crew leader and you had two people buy out of your crew and rogue? Have you ever been a crew leader and make a very bad call by authing a bloodline that has disappointed this world time after time? Have you ever been a crew leader and pointed the finger at the person you had just authed saying they are the reason your members are roguing? Well if you haven't, don't worry- Cab_Tufting has! Last night I_Hate_Edinburgh (sadly he didn't make it to kill Edinburgh) and FatalRage packed up their suitcases and announced to the world they were running off to get married. It was a scam, a scam I say! They ended up, well I_Hate_Edinburgh, ended up not doing anything, but FatalMage ended up killing a bunch of fools. Well, fools in her books - heroes in ours. Lets get some history out of the way. IShotTheSheriff started an acting company about three years ago called, it was successful until there was a dry spell in the family that was later picked back up from a long last sister. As of recently a group of people have started to dislike this bloodline and stole IShotTheSheriff's company name, Devil's Angels. So all these kids are running around with Devil's Angels in their names, tattooed on their arms and plastered all over the walls of their cute little club house. They also didn't like a few others, such as Premier. Yes Premier; the great and wonderful clubhouse of Devil Angels had to disband for unknown reason, but they blame premier for not being accepted into society. Don't worry, their coffee shop is still open for business, watch out though, you life may be threatened after you are invited in. This is why Premier can now be found in the obits. The question is: Who fueled the fire of FatalRage, Anarchy and Juliet'? Who all just so happened to come from Mr. Tufting's family. After FatalCage was killed last night, a bullet shot right into his left temple and the body left to bleed out, everyone went to bed. It wasn't until early this morning that rumors started to circulate. Did Cab and his right hand Caby encourage FatalFrame to buy out after they gave him some extra cash as a thanks to how much he was "helping" out the family? Was it only Caby that was encouraging these guys + Juliet to buy out because she has a personal rage towards Premier? Was it Fantom_Ghost, who is in the same under ground group that FatalFlame and Juliet` are apart of? Cab_Tufting is pointing his finger at Fantom_Ghost, while whispers flutter through our streets that Mr. Tufting had set this all up. There are also whispers of war swirling around. Mr. Tufting seems to be getting very anxious to take out his new auth, Fantom_Ghost. Didn't he just auth him about for days ago? Good call man. In the end I guess it is a good call, if you let Fantom_Ghost live for any longer he'll just keep messing up, not standing up for himself and his crew and continue to be childish in his ways. As usual a few good things came out of Fantom_Ghost auth. Last night during the war he took away Posion's gun (who was obviously proing sexy FatalMidget. I'm convinced Fatal killed Premeir just because he was jealous of Premier's large penis.) Now if Fantom_Ghost had known Posion was pro'ing the rogue why wouldn't he just kill her? Oh yes, she's part of your "real" Devil's Angels group. As Devil's Angels were the majority of the rogues and Fantom_Ghost is apart of Devils Angels why would he have killed Poison? I digress, we all know Fantom_Ghost was a bad leader I don't really have to make points on why the other crew leaders need to kill him. I would like to spread some advice out to the masses. Make your own decision on who's fault it was last night for the numerous rogues. Mr. Tufting control your members better, make the crew more enjoyable to be in, please make better auth decisions and accept gay marriage. Last, but not least, will the "real" Devil Angels please stand up? Please find something better to do, plotting against others will not get you places. Keep your friendships friendships and remember that family ALWAYS comes first. **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities Obits Romeo and Juliet - There was a little confusion at first as Romeo killed Namaah first, but then after he realized her corpse wasn't as satisfying as Juliet's body he ditched her. Soon after that Juliet found out about Romeo's secret desires and killed the bitch. Juliet then died that same night after eating all of her finger nail polish. Truly tragic! Where will everyone go to church now? Not in space, that's for sure- as TheSpacePope passed away rather quickly after taking in the sight of some Poison. During a bar fight Lust was punched in the throat, fainted and fell off her chair which caused her neck to break. Dante_Balboni is listening to the rumors and gets ready for war by training his gun on his innocent gangsters. Rest in Peace Slayer and cloud429. People We Wish Were in the Obits BritneySpears - she can't sing or parent children. Zoey - What a bitch! Honestly this woman is self obsessed and mean. She makes people cry on a daily basis. Scarface22 - no good can come from this man MissFreedom - She lies! Or at least that's what that one guy told us. Wet-Diarrhea - disrespecting in funerals. Engagements Briana_Arao has finally found her soul mate. While buying muffins at the bakery she spotted some hot buns. Briana fell into a trance as she stared at the man in front of her in line. When he turned around she could hardly speak, but the reaction was equal. The great ThomasRourke was stunned by Briana's beauty and all the friendship she had to give. After one and a half dates ThomasRourke purposed to the love of his life. Cherokee and Ashlee finally tied the knot at Thomas' wine tasting. By wine tasting we mean Thomas trying to get some friends and stealing his parents wine out of the cellar while they are out of town. Births Congratulations to RonMexico and BritneySpears on their new son! As soon as Britney got it into her arms she dropped it, RonMexico tells sources that she did it on purpose. Numbers4Glory had triplets last Saturday night. We didn't even know he was able to reproduce, the mother's name has yet to be released, but we wouldn't be surprised if she was just some hooker... or Briana_Arao. Same thing right? **** Ban on Selling Alcohol; Five Day No Shooting Rule And Other Retarded Prohibition Laws Article by Reporter Kettle Who knows where it came from. All we, the public know, is that we fucking hated the Five Day "no shooty" rule. Naturally it's our job to be opposed to many things that the Mob Bosses of our world instate, but this one really took a piece of the pie. A rather large one, in fact. The normal conduct for our world is to give a brand new gangster at least forty-eight hours to find a home before taking him out back and making him apart of the next day's garbage haul. For whatever reason, after many failed attempts to protect the new influx of potential associates that were flooding in after the great CaligulaMontBranston war, the leaders decided to throw up some half assed decision. "No shooting unsponsored mobsters under five days into their crime life". Now what the fuck is that? Rumors wiggled their way through the Streets, per usual, and it was said that not even all the family heads at the time were around to make said decision. So who exactly was behind the genius of the rule that angered so many? This rule amounted a death toll. Not a high one, mind you, but more deaths than it was worth. Sure there is much bitching that could be said on this rule, yet that was already done in public by a LOT of people. Merely consider this: before setting a new rule, consider first if you would end up breaking it yourself. And secondly, consider if it's downright retarded or not. **** We're All Cooler Than You Giving Props to Cool Names that Start with 'G' Random by Reporter Kettle It's been far too long, and new mobsters are on the scene! With new mobsters come my personal favorite- new and interesting names. Now's the time to get down to the bottom of this scoop... or scoop up that bottom... and find: The Coolest Mobster Names Starting with 'G': * GaiusMarius: What is the meaning of this name? It rhymes, it's awesome, and it may or may not be a tribute to one Roman General of old. Either way, me likey. * gentoo: A name, that if you say it drunk enough and slur a lot, it sounds like "gentle". And yes, we need more gentle, caring men in our world. Sleep with us, please. Then don't forget to call back the next day. * Gianluca: You know you all agree with me. This name sounds like a traditional Italian desert. Mmm mmm mm. Break me off a piece of that! * Gshenold: God Bless you. ...What? I'd say this name is fairly self explanatory. * Guerilla: To be fair, I only like this name because it sounds like "gorilla", if you again, say it when you're drunk enough and slur a lot. There you are! Five names for your consideration. No, I am not drunk, thanks for asking. Look forward to our next installment of "H"! **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last...Last... Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The tenth compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received a rather large amount (and strange as well) of responses. Tea Time asked our readers, "So... is it just me, or are things getting kind of quiet around here?" The results are in!: after 22 votes in the span of a few weeks it was decided, with 72.7% of the overall votes, that Yes, people do think it was getting rather quiet around here. Of course things have changed in the past few weeks. That's the brilliance of our world and lifestyle, eh? Either way, things have picked up, but back then when there was nothing to say, we at Tea Time literally had run out of questions to ask as well. Thankfully a majority of people agreed with us, which made the first survey query go over well. To see the responses to last week's question, please turn to section 4a for more details. Things, like we said, have obviously changed. People got their action and war and drama, and we can only hope that things move in a positive direction from that point on. Either way, looks like the mobsters all felt that at the time things were a little on the slow side when asked if things were quiet around here or not. Our second question last week was a little more boring and very cut and dry. We asked our readers, "Do you wear a family tag? (Meaning, do you have your family's identification/name somewhere on your body?)" The results are in!: after 23 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 91.3% of the votes, that Yes, most people do wear their family tags. Everything is best summed up in this answer, we feel: "I believe that it shows my loyalty as well as my integrity. Not wearing it is a sign of disrespect and many times may mean that you are trying to pull something over. This is just one more way to show your appreciation to the family and to allow you to represent them (hopefully favorably)." How true it is, whomever wrote that in. Either way, to see a full listing of what other people had to say on why they wear their tags, turn to section 4b. A majority of our population seems to have their heads on straight when it comes to family loyalty, and thank fuck for that! The weigh-in is over and it seems that many people said yes when it comes to wearing family tags. Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "If you could see one thing leave Tea Time, never to return again, what would it be and why? (Honest opinions and answers will help us to create a better, more... biased/uninformative- but really entertaining!- paper for you, the public.)" The results are in! A small group of people, 12 to be exact, responded to our Open Forum question this week. Seems like a lot of people wanted things to remain the same, but a few suggestions were thrown out there that we appreciated (except for the fucker who wanted Lily dead. I hope you feel like a right asshole now that she actually IS dead). For a full listing, check out section 4c. So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** Cowards Stray Warriors Stay Article by Reporter Black This title may seem very familiar to most. It's the catch phrase of Fuckerish Mob, Incorporated. They have a good point here. Usually after every war there is a time where the unsponsored from the dead family are given a 24-48 grace period to find a new family to join, but should Made Men and above be given this grace period or even a spot in a new family? When you become a Made Man in a new family you pledge your life for that family. So when a war comes around you should fight with that family until your dying breath even after your crew leader is killed. How can someone pledge that same thing to another family. If someone told you they loved you one day and then you found out they told someone else they loved them to how would that make you feel? The love that person gave to you would probably feel less special. For example we have Mikhail-Faustin a boss who was formerly in Cab_Tufting's crew. Should he be allowed to live and stay with Doyle? The murderer of his former boss by the way. since he pledge his life to Cab's family? When Mikhail was approached with the question of why he joined with Doyle he replied with "I don't see why Cab can't just take his lose. He's just a sore loser in my opinion." Obviously Mikhail is not loyal, but what was Cab thinking when he promoted this man and what was Doyle thinking when he sent an invite to him. Well Cab_Tufting is dead, so we really don't have to worry about his bad judgment calls any longer, but Doyle is still alive. Now this isn't the first time Doyle has given his members more trust then they deserve. When our world was flooded with rogues just a few days ago one of the rogue pro'ers was spouting off his mouth on a street corner. Sources say they heard Revankof say "I don't feel so bad for pro'ing Anarchy". It's iffy if Doyle knew about Revankof, if he was just turning the other cheek to not give the other crew leaders reason to kill him or if he actually didn't know at all. Revankof did eventually end up dying after he was caught shooting at one of Cab_Tufting's body gaurds, but his bloodline was eagerly invited back into the "crew". Either way, Doyle has made it a bit obvious in the last few days that he can't make good decisions. The community has had debates on the subject "Should sons and daughters of parents that did evil in our world be given a fresh start?" Which is all fun and good, but we hardly take into consideration when newly unsponsored Made Men and up are trying to convince us that they will be loyal to our families, even though they have pledge their lives to someone else and never went through with it. **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a large helping of public praise, yay! What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! There were only three surviving people who read the paper... two weeks ago... and as such all three will be rewarded with the cash prize! The winners are: Striphe_Corelli, Amber and King_Cav! Congratulations to our eleventh handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! (NOTE: Constructive answers only. Getting a little tired of being told you're gunna cut us, or we're cunts, or whatever. If you have a problem you can send us mail to Tea Time: Reporter Heidi Hoels c/o Marietta.) Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! Weigh-In Twenty-Three Weigh-In Twenty-Four Open Thought Forum Twelve **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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| Ladies you have no idea how much I missed you. Tea Time is the pinnacle of excellence....for now....BUT STILL great to have you back. | |
| Reply by: Birday at Oct 25, '08 00:01 | |
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Oh, I assure you they will not be on top of the periodical world for long, my friend (I use that word in the loosest sense possible. Just an expression, really. For god sake, don't try to touch me.). Just you wait until The RonMexiCourrier hits newsstand shelves and brothel crappers nationwide. What a glorious day that will be. We'll be going to press anytime in the next seven years or so, with a publication schedule of once every three months, give or take forever. I know, I know, such a superhuman feat will be damn near impossible for a paper with less than three editors. But that, my friend (again, no touching), is a commitment we (I) are willing to make (and break) because you, the potential reader (you, the potential reader) are so important to us (have money and are easily swayed). So keep your eyes peering mindlessly into that empty horizon, because someday, maybe, the most glorious thing ever may appear on it, like a beacon of awesomeness. And he will be holding a newspaper. Until that day comes, I leave you with the tentative slogan for this epic mass of cheap paper and smudgy ink: The RonMexiCourrier: Anyone Can Write Bullshit... And So We Do. |
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| Reply by: RonMexico at Oct 25, '08 00:48 | |
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I'M BRITNEY BITCH. Britney scowls at RonMexico ...I TOLD you to wrap it up! Of course I dropped the kid on purpose...it was already an accident. I didn't even mean to sleep with Mexico, I thought it was JohnnyAxe. I was wondering why he was so not sexy...and why he was alive for that matter. I thought it was just the pills making me loopy though. EITHER WAY YOU DRIVE ME CRAAAAAAAZY. |
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| Reply by: BritneySpears at Oct 25, '08 02:17 | |
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Long Live Iron Fist! haha great read. ;) |
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| Reply by: King_Cav at Oct 25, '08 02:23 | |
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| nice to see you back. | |
| Reply by: Antonio_Macelli at Oct 25, '08 02:51 | |
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Once again gals I love it. Made my night |
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| Reply by: Cherokee at Oct 25, '08 02:57 | |
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Made my night as well :) Good Job! |
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| Reply by: Sailor_Steve at Oct 25, '08 03:02 | |
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| A great-missed paper during times like these. Can't wait to read your next edition. | |
| Reply by: Remy_LeBeau at Oct 25, '08 04:44 | |
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| I mean "a greatly-missed paper". Sorry :) | |
| Reply by: Remy_LeBeau at Oct 25, '08 04:45 | |
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It is np, tips on shorter speeches are always available to friends. "What the fuck are these people going to say or do that we haven't seen or heard already?" - I think the HMS Friend Ship is example enough of that. And as for the triplets, they are called IbefriendedTheSheriff, Tatfriendana and Marfriendtta. The are fully enjoying a life at sea. |
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| Reply by: Numbers4Glory at Oct 25, '08 05:00 | |
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| "I have been waiting for this day a long time. I really enjoyed the read, Thank you once again for tea time. :)" | |
| Reply by: SaulSilver at Oct 25, '08 05:37 | |
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glances through the paper chuckling to himself along the way Why ladies, you just made my day. Fantastic work lights up a smoke and checks his hair in the window Now if you'll excuse me I must go see what my collegue Haley is up to. |
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| Reply by: Dante_Balboni at Oct 25, '08 08:12 | |
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| Great to see this back. Great job ladies. | |
| Reply by: zdub16 at Oct 25, '08 11:17 | |
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Zoey neatly folded the new issue of Tea Time in half after she read it then approached the editors. It's good to see Tea Time back on the streets, even though you want to see my name in the obits. I hope you all feel guilty and very sad when it is there. I will be looking down from mafia heaven laughing at you. |
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| Reply by: Zoey at Oct 25, '08 14:16 | |
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Agrees with Cav But.. all in all good issue ladies Nice to see the paper and its infamous articles are still around :) |
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| Reply by: StripheCorelli at Oct 25, '08 14:57 | |
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Sneaks away from her pimp, Dante, to grab an issue of the newspaper. As always, nice read ladies, and keep them coming. |
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| Reply by: Hayley at Oct 25, '08 15:14 | |
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| I think that PistolShotgun is just the most! I'm heart broken that he got one put through the idea pot and the shutters closed for good. | |
| Reply by: ThomasRourke at Oct 25, '08 15:17 | |
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| Missed the paper much and it's another fine job. Thanks ladies! | |
| Reply by: Rodney_Phatballz at Oct 26, '08 02:27 | |
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| Cherokee and Ashlee married??? No more whine for me... I already got my man... he was sadly murdered in his sleep and im still weeks away from having his kid... OH shit! | |
| Reply by: Ashlee at Oct 26, '08 02:58 | |
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