Ladies And Gentlemen!

May i be so bold as to enquire whether any of you have recently met with some inconvenience?

Inconvenience, that is, for which you were in no way, shape or form responsible? Well, fret not, for Toy Claims, Limited is here to assist YOU!

Yes; you could be entitled to compensation. We offer our services in dealing with a range of misfortunes, although we specialise in claims against those of a lower class. If somebody has ruined your day, do not suffer in silence: ensure that you ruin theirs, too. Toy Claims exists to help you Claim What is Rightfully Yours.

I understand that this may sound like a steaming pile of poppycock, so why not listen to the accounts of but three of our valued customers?

“I was cycling along, minding my own business, when i caught sight of a begger across the street. I screamed, swerved and collided with a poorly-placed tree. Toy Claims Ltd arranged for the filthy vagrant to be hanged, and bequeathed to me the cents change from his cup to put towards the repair of my Penny Farthing. The tree was chopped down. Serves it right, i say.” – Mr. G.

“My housemaid was being terribly tiresome, complaining of a headache or some such ridiculous excuse. I was forced to strike the lazy girl, breaking a nail in the process. I spoke to a helpful chap at Toy Claims Ltd. Who procured for me a hefty sum owing to my Personal Injury and associated Psychological Trauma. He also provided me with a new maid, as it transpired that mine was defective. Many thanks, Toy Claims” – Lady M.

“I was indulging in a spot of vigorous intercourse with a comely wench at a well known brothel; so erotic was the experience that i exhausted myself rather too soon despite having paid for a full nights worth. I contacted Toy Claims Ltd. For advice. My Dollars were refunded to me along with a settlement for sexual favours of a further ten strumpets, free of charge. Good show, Toy Claims. Huzzah!” – Lord T

So there you have it. Pop in today, speak to one of our professional lawyers, and keep those plebs in their place.

Toy Claims Ltd., 1000Dollarsplease Place, Blameshifton, Philadelphia, USA

Store opening soon. 

Sephiroth cant help but chuckle a bit…

Finally, maybe I could get some compensation out of fred taking the last cookie out of the cookie jar! Or Macho setting me up with a “hot date” only to find out, she was actually a plastic him…

Seph smashes his right fist into his left open hand…

I demand compensation!

Sorry for my slight absence! i had to fake my own death for an insurance scam, and i am sure you know how hard those can be!

Hear hear Sephiroth!

Raises his fists

 I think we have some solid foundations to start a claim! Just remember; where there is a claim, there is no shame!

I'd like to point out to anyone that jumps the gun and puts 2 and 2 together and gets 5. Lord T is not me. I promise.

Tyrion wipes a bead of sweat from his forehead before glaring at ToyMachine

Don't worry TyrionLannister, I am sure you endorse this service, yet cannot either confirm or deny  whether you are infact the Lord T in question.

But lets just leave it at... I know how you play these games... with your "I say, Old Chap... is that a military-grade lemon Kevlar Aramid bullet-proof handkerchief you have - meticulously folded - in your pocket, or are you just stylishly glad to see me?"

Wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more! (Nod's as good as a wink to a blind man) ;)