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| Messages in a Bottle from the HMS Friend Ship | Started by: Hugzilla on Nov 04, '08 16:47 |
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As you wander down the street on your usual business, you notice a stream running directly into the pavement. Odd, you think. You look down as the mysterious stream carries an empty grog bottle directly into your path. You pick it up and pull out the stopper, noticing for the first time it isn't empty, you reach inside and find several pages of notes. You decide to read them aloud for the group of people now assembled to admire the stream. It should first be announced that this isn't my attempt to ram another newspaper down MafiaReturns' suddenly very journalistic throat. If you are looking for something comparable to this report, I suppose it will be closer to FlyingPig's warbles or The Sunday Times produced by Sly. Although, not like these two at all, as I don't warble and I've no idea what Sly actually said other than it was a regular feature every Sunday. Moving past that descriptive stumbling block, I imagine this will probably cover Philadelphia, the course of the HMS Friend Ship, things that have happened to me, which I feel require further insight and elaboration, as well as things that I've encountered thus far. I can already picture how enthralled you are, but I really like the sound of my own voice and this sort of thing impresses the Captain. It has been two days since I succeeded First Mate Numbers as second in command of the HMS Friend Ship and already the tasks are piling up. I've seen and learned much already in my role and sailing the Seven Cities is really the only way to travel. Despite this, I can't help but feel that we are still a little lonely in Philly and due to the events in LA we are one of only two cities to have a single vessel in its harbour. That was sea talk for one crew. Just to clarify why this is the case, we aren't just being lazy. No, really, we aren't. We are trying to find another suitable leader to join us and possibly handle events within Philadelphia from land. The only development I can reveal on that front is that we've discussed the future of the city with our ideal candidate and they know who they are. When the time comes, I hope they choose to assist in the development of Philadelphia but at this stage nothing is finalised. If you think you would be good for Philly or in some way innovative, feel free not to tell us as our choice is well better. Grin. I'll admit that wasn't so much a development as something you knew, or at least probably assumed already. I'll try to go one better here with a breaking announcement. I know what you're thinking, 'fucking wonderful, some shitty bar in their business district that will lose popularity in a week', right? WRONG. Well, not really wrong as it is totally a bar. The HMS Friend Bar is currently moored in Philly Harbour and will be engaged in a variety of fun filled endeavours. If Jesus had a hankering for a drink, a conversation, somewhere other than IRC to lurk, he would probably choose the HMS Friend Bar of Philadelphia. I sense your disappointment already, but take solace from the fact you aren't linuxmandrake. He's like the oldest Wise Guy ever. I don't want any examples proving that wasn't true; just silently mock him - in the friendliest possible way of course. That is pretty much Philly covered for this week, in other news (not that this is a fucking paper guys) you may have noticed several fallen shipmates of late. It has been a trying time for us all, first we lost First Mate Numbers, then SeamanStaines went AWOL (do not even thinking of touching a hair on his chest (if you can find one to touch)) before Crewman Telkin decided to take advantage of his newly found permanent auth. The Friend Ship mourns these losses, with Numbers falling to a lone gunman, Staines likely fallen in with a troupe of performers from a travelling circus and Telkin for falling below the conduct expected of a Made Man. Fear not though friends, many willing sailors have signed up and the HMS Friend Ship is fully crewed. On a brighter note, the HMS Friend Ship would like to extend its gratitude to Ensign YouAreWrong for seamlessly stepping into the shoes of SeamanStaines and proving that he had enormous feet to do so. Bravo. But brighter still was the news that Captain Briana had made Consigliere, an honour fully deserved. The HMS Friend Ship rejoiced at the news with the amount of drunken sea shanties rising 43%. Sooooo, Philly down, the eventful few days for the HMS Friend Ship covered and me fast running out of bottle space. I suppose I best make this the engaging section or this is dropping off the face of the map before I get to impress anyone with my not so amusing report. Therefore, as I've seen lots of 'JoeRandom for Auth' tags flittering their way into people's profiles (I've seen one on Hi, because I live on his profile) I would like to hear who you think gets the spot alongside the HMS Friend Ship and why. Obviously I was joking when I said above that I didn't want your opinions on who should be a leader and I 100% did not just tag this on the end in a sickening attempt to get some replies. Oh and because I'm discussing percentages and desperate bids to get replies, what are the chances of linuxmandrake getting to Made Man before Bi-Polar Bear gets Boss? You reach the end of the note and realise it was from the hand of First Mate Hugzilla. Probably because he told you that. If only another bottle would reach you with a note from the desk of Captain Briana, you think to yourself. You decide to save all comments for several days just in case. |
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Captain Briana seals up another piece of paper and places it in another bottle. She softly kisses the side and casts the bottle into the water deftly over her left shoulder. After a few days of drifting, it washes up on shore where a lone thug cracks it open to read the message inside. It reads as follows: From The Desk of Captain Briana Day One I have begun to notice some rather strange happenings on the HMS Friend Ship and I feel that I should begin documenting my findings. AnitaAnchor has been mysteriously disappearing from crew events in the middle of the highest points of action. She was not present when SeamanStaines was performing his fruit-hiding maneuvers in front of the younger seamen. She usually enjoyed how he was able to make the grapefruits disappear in his different orifices. She hasn't been available for our usual box socials and has been absent during the drinking contests. I will watch her myself for the next few days and see where she is going. Day Two No luck finding out where Ms. Anchor has been fannying off to thus far, but I have heard whispers that she has been seen in the Detroit area more frequently than usual. I always thought her to be more of a New Orleans girl myself, but to each their own. Perhaps she is gallivanting around with that no good StripheCorelli. He knows how to treat a lady, I have first hand knowledge at that, but 15 seconds isn't exactly a long-lasting sea voyage if you know what I mean. Day Three AnitaAnchor has been spotted coming out of Ms. Marietta's Headquarters the other night! This is good news seeing as she won't be bringing little Corelli babies aboard the HMS Friend Ship! I do hope she is not with ThomasRourke, though. That would cause a serious conflict of interest between Mrs. Anchor and me. Day Four Depressing news. I don't know how to take this exactly. We have found our culprit :(. It seems AnitaAnchor has been engaged in sexual relations with linuxmandrake for a good few months now, about equal with the length of time he has spent as a Wise Guy in The Riot! I am baffled by this odd match. AnitaAnchor is a beautiful woman who could have any man she wanted, while linuxmandrake is nothing but an inferior operating system. I will attempt to break them up if at all possible. Day Five PROBLEM SOLVED! New First Mate Hugzilla has been able to provide me with some stolen letters from linuxmandrake's personal files. It appears that both linuxmandrake and AnitaAnchor are paying each other for companionship in order to seem less pathetic than the other. First Mate Numbers was privy to a portion of the scheme and was killed in his attempts to pry the two apart. Both are pathetic excuses for human beings and I cannot bear to hold onto these notes anymore. To whomever may read this: I hope that you share this sordid story with the world and let them know that both linuxmandrake and AnitaAnchor are both worthy of immense disappointment. |
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| Reply by: Briana_Arao at Nov 04, '08 16:47 | |
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Wise guy is my don. FU GUYZ. |
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| Reply by: linuxmandrake at Nov 04, '08 19:35 | |
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After a long week of coordinating certain "events", AA finishes her weekly report, quickly knocks back the bottle of champagne and shoves the report inside it. Putting the stopper in the bottle she attempts to throw it in the water, however, misjudging her aim, manages to hit YouAreWrong on the head with it and immediately runs away. Before disappearing, she sees YouAreWrong laid flat out and a nearby lackey pick up the bottle and read the report. Day One After a meeting with Captain Brianna, I had to rapidly schedule all meetings and the "events" the Captain wanted for the week. After a quick stop at the liquor store to order a few bottles of champagne, I nipped off to Marietta's HQ in Detroit. A sealed letter to linuxmandrake from Briana had to be delivered. After opening the letter, linux only smiled his pathetic grin before adding "Tell her it's not enough, cause I'm a total bender." Unsurprising. Day Two Today my job was to follow Hugzilla around. The Captain was fairly curious about Hugzilla's nightly escapades. After a long journey follow the First Mate around, I had no luck in finding anything interesting about Hugzilla. However, I did learn Hugzilla gets his nails polished. Further investigation needed. Possible homosexuality expected - is this contagious? If so SeamanStaines should be placed in solitary confinement. Day Three Today I was ordered to Chicago and order a private hour in The Silent - Strip and Bar, this was nothing new to me, stripping and I go together like shuffle and board. But oddly, The Captain wanted the bar closed for an hour, except to her personally and an unnamed guest. In unrelated matters I was also to send a special invitation to ThomasRourke to a secret rendezvous. I noticed Captain Briana leaving the HQ wearing a black coat and carrying some hand cuffs. Day Four Another day spent following Hugzilla. Eventful. His secret escapades were somewhat revealed. Earlier in the day, Hugzilla flew to Chicago, where he spent the entire day and went about making arrangements for spending the night. Around 9PM, he went into the Coffee Lodge and spent an hour talking to one Boss of The Riot!, tiggy. Sitting close to their table, discrete eyeholes cut into my newspaper, untraceable to the World, I could overheard them setting up another meeting for later that night. Further investigation needed. Note: this sort of infiltration would be beyond the capabilities of linuxmandrake. Day Five Captain Briana was not happy with linux's response to the letter. I was sent back to Detroit today as a result. Delivering a heavier letter to linux himself, which he opened in front of me before nodding, grinning and muttering "deal". It was not cash in the envelope, as I had first suspected, rather having the look of Captain issue underwear. This is getting odd. I will speak to the Captain to find out what goes on. I suspect she may try to undermine my investigations. |
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| Reply by: AnitaAnchor at Nov 04, '08 19:56 | |
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She reads the report and scowls. Is nothing sacred? What Hugzilla and I do on our time off is now newsworthy? She scribbles a reminder to call the tack shop to cancel the order for the chaps and matching whip she made earlier. |
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| Reply by: tiggy at Nov 04, '08 22:10 | |
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| It is funny how the mind works. An action can be triggered by a completely unrelated statement. | |
| Reply by: Hugzilla at Nov 05, '08 10:20 | |
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Just to clarify, there was no order placed for the chaps or whip so please people, stop mailing me for the name of my leather designer. Fantastic read guys, keep up the good work. |
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| Reply by: tiggy at Nov 05, '08 10:31 | |
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