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| The Sugar Factory - Issue Two | Started by: Mane on Nov 12, '08 22:03 |
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The Sugar Factory! Issue two: The Late Issue! I've heard whispers that people believed this paper would be a one hit wonder! You people are unbelievable. On the other hand, people have been mailing me for a second issue for them to read and have a laugh at. What has actually been happening is that I was called away on a very important business issue (drunk at Ters, smoking at Ters, hanging out with Ter and Leo or all of the above) and have been unable to write what you crave to read. But here it is, the second issue of The Sugar Factory, spreading false information, true information and just some random shit that I wanted to put in here! This second issue features a guest appearance from our very own Azuela and what could be described as a cameo article from our sweet counterpart, Sugar! Interested in writing for The Sugar Factory? Mail Mane to show your interest and why you think you'd be a good addition to our slacking staff. CV and previous experience not required. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RUP RUP Fantom - Reporter: Cupcake. This is how to kill a ghost. We saw one of the most effective takedowns witnessed in recent times when Doyle et al. decided that Fantom_Ghost and the Undead Army days had run their course. The "UndeaD Army" as they decided to call themselves (post-takedown, note the capitalised DA in the middle) were epically destroyed in a brutal wave of attacks from a combination of leaders, most notably Doyle. Critics of Doyle's competence when it came to war situations were silenced, only to be replaced by the familiar whining of the losing side. Credit where credit is due, Fantom_Ghost's son carried on his father's peaceful antics and did not utter a word about the takedown publically. I commend you Mr Ghost Jnr. Although we are unsure of who took what shot, sources say from around the country that twelve of Fantom's high rankers, including himself, were killed within a minute of each other. Efficient work Mr Doyle et al. Despite this mass execution of Undead Army members, two Made Men survived the first wave both going rogue eventually. The first rogue was the ineffective Deuce, who set up and was watched avidly by Mafioso across America as he sauntered around in a bold suit. This man was then shown to be of the External Link bloodline (many people sighed and turned away upon learning this) who did no damage to any of the opposing crews. Upon his death, Poison set up as another rogue and even more people turned away on hearing that this new rogue was of the Killer_Jane bloodline. Loyalty is to be admired, but why the fuck would you set up if you can't hit anything? Sources have in fact stated that they believe no shots were attempted from either of these rogues. Of course, this left one leader standing in Chicago who refused to go to war on Fantom's side and effectively claimed his own city by rights (not that this means anything, Marietta and Doyle still tell you what to do therefore making you more of a caretaker for Chicago in their absence). Lessons to be learned from this takedown I think, not for the current leaders, but for leaders of the past who have tried and failed miserably at takedowns. Most notably, the ex-Don of Chicago, Alessia. Take notes love. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Chicago article - Reporter: Cupcake. Stupid city, stupid title. How fitting. Bye bye ProphetOfDoom, hello former pets of Detroit! I know, how rash of me to come out with such an outrageous statement. Ah well, see if I care. We Cupcakes are delicious and sweet, so you're forced to love me whether you want to or not. In your face. ProphetOfDoom, the relatively new leader of Chicago following Fantom_Ghost's demise, got his comeuppance from not supporting his fellow Chicago leader in what could be seen as an attack on Chicago when his gun supposedly critically failed and killed him. Rumour has it that the bullet didn't fire when he pulled the trigger, so he looked down the barrel and tried again. I may have just made that up, but even if I did then it's still a rumour. Sue me. Upon hearing about POD's death, Marietta ordered her fellow Detroit Don to pack his bags and get the fuck out of her city. StripheCorelli whimpered and packed his bags slowly, looking back at his mistress with puppy dog eyes to show how unhappy he was to being pushed away from her side. Sources say that Striphe just wasn't as cute as her Chihuahuas (who have apparently now been trained not to soil the HQ carpets) and was dragging her reputation down. Fair point really. Not long after this move to Chicago, StripheCorelli proceeded to auth his own RH next to him in his city. Congratulations go out to King_Cav of course, although sources close to Cav himself claim he already had a bold suit hung up in his wardrobe for special occasions. It is reported that he is still awaiting the transferral of his throne from Striphe's HQ to his own, and good luck to him on that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sinking ship finished off - Reporter: Cupcake. Success! HMS Friendship is swimmin with da fishes. Not so much of the "swimming" though. HMS Friendship, the laughing stock of the Mafia since it was formed by "Captain Briana_Arao", had an eventful night when their RH was struck down by the Gods, in what some argue to be an unjustified punishment. In protest to this action, Miss Arao decided that her family would disband and followed this up with several controversial actions. To begin with, she announced that she had locked down Philadelphia and authed her current Left Hand, YouAreWrong, then followed this up by beginning to release her members to new homes in other families. Marietta, upset by this rash decision and the rash actions of the Friendship's Captain, slowly moved into "Uggh, I'd better do something about this I guess..." mode, organising the death of Briana_Arao herself along with YouAreWrong and several members of these two families. This takedown is also rumoured to have been inspired by the death of Nicholas, with Briana reported to have shot the part time Left Hand of Hayley in New Orleans. Miss Marietta of Detroit followed up this attack with a speech on the Streets concerning the takedown of HMS Friendship. The public feel that she may have been claiming too much credit for the "sinking" of this ship, with the bold claim "I sunk the Friendship" when it was clearly already sinking. That's like saying "I sunk the Titanic" because I turned the tap on when it was on the way down. Talk about stealing the limelight... On a positive note though, Philadelphia has already had a new leader placed there to rebuild the city and we at The Sugar Factory look forward to seeing the initiatives that JimmyTheLionheart will use to improve the city. Our congratulations to you Jimmy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tyrant for hire! - Reporter: Cupcake. Ill-advised though, she'll turn on you in some extravagant power-play. This is one of my more favoured topics of the moment to be honest, accusations of our adorable Marietta being a tyrant. Most of the accusers probably can't even spell it, let alone identify one if they saw one. I'm yet to see a tyrannical move from Marietta and if I'm wrong then please feel free to drop me a mail explaining how I'm wrong. Let's take a look at what Marietta has done on a scale of one to ten in tyrannical rating: A) Attempting to auth two people per city and introducing a level of diversity amongst the leadership - 1 B) Not authing any of her friends such as Zoey or Tatiana to consolidate power - 1 C) Not taking down the strongest families on the game while she can - 1 D) Not bloodline hunting any potential threats - 1 E) Not killing people for no reason, including boredom - 1 F) Trying to keep our world in motion to prevent Mafioso from just leaving our world - 1 That's just a short list of what she's done. Anyone noticing a pattern on the tyrannical rating scale? Honestly? You guys wouldn't know a tyrant if it hit you in the head. Mainly because a real tyrant wont bother hitting you in the head, they would just shoot you through the temple. For no reason. I can't wait until a real tyrant gets into power (Hi for auth!) and show you exactly what a tyrant is about. Then, and only then, can you ever judge a tyrant. If you don't like the regime, why not call our expensive helpline? At $1000 a minute, we can give you guidance about how to handle the obvious abuse you have been suffering at the hands of the tyrannical Marietta! If you get a recorded message listing the different ways to suicide or retire, then you dialled the right number. 0800 LOL-AT-U. Yes, that's 0800 505288. Phone calls may be recorded for the operator's shits and giggles. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm watching you... - Cupcake's fashion column. And what the fuck are you wearing, you moron?! It's at the time that we need to ridicule other people for their appearance ladies and gentlemen. We all enjoy a good battering of the public, and this is where I laugh at you for looking like an imbecile. Bingowings - I'm not sure who designed your clothing, but you would have thought that they may have considered the fact you have wings and allowed for them. Take your clothes back or cut holes in your shirt, you look like a hunchback. Not a good fashion for someone in your youthful years. GrayFox - A picture was in fact sent in of this young mammal, with him on his hind legs in a bar trying to show off his meat and two veg. An unidentified poor young lady was reported to have leaned closer to the genital area saying "Where?? I can't see them. Are you sure you're not female?" My tip for you sir; wear clothes. That way you don't get embarrassed. Malc_The_Alc - Sources say that this renowned alcoholic was seen stumbling around after attempting to mug a homeless person, stripping the aforementioned homeless person and donning their clothes. I wouldn't describe them as clothes personally, "rag" seems more appropriate. If I was in a generous mood, I'd call it a toga. Prozac - This was a more difficult fashion situation to analyse, since he was stated to have been standing nude on his HQ balcony with a bottle of pills in one hand and his other hand supporting his left man boob. I don't quite know what to advise here, maybe lay off the pills? The picture was sent in with the caption "Forgetting something?" which is more appropriate than anything I could say. And finally... Dante_Balboni - This picture is a bit suspect really. I'm not convinced this is actually him because there's a picture of the sky behind him and let's be honest, has this guy actually left his HQ since introducing his family? Still, IF this is him (the picture was blurry - the picture taker was probably concerned about Dante's health, and shaking nervously), then there's no fashion advice I can give you, other than to venture out of your HQ and maybe see the sun. Once a week is all I ask. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New era and loss of life - Reporter: Candyfloss tiggy suicides: Prozac not in time? As a side note to the events of this week, Bi_Polar-Bear released his LHM Prozac to allow him to set up beside him in Los Angeles this past Friday. Besides the sheer oddity of this combination, a newcomer by the name of Zoloft has taken the side of Prozac. I can only imagine this will help our favorite bear be, dare I say it, normal? Prozac has arrived wide eyed, with a smile and I can only imagine he will do the Mafioso proud. We at the Sugar Factory wish him luck. In other news from LA, Bi-Polar_Bear is still Capo. I think this will remain the case for a while, so we look forward to reporting that he's been promoted to Boss in about Issue Five (and even that is a generous estimation). While Prozac has brought a new found happiness to our hearts with his auth, death as always loomed over us this week. After a long spell of sorrow and depression, tiggy, a boss in Don Marietta's crew, took her own life on Monday. The masses mourned the daughter of Iris, and this reporter asks that her bloodline keeps these words close to her from now on: "What is love? Baby don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! No more!" RIP tiggy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Azuela of New York speaks out - Reporter: Cupcake. We've not heard much from New York, but they're making inroads to raise New York's profile among the people. We had the pleasure of talking to one of the New York's Mob Bosses, Azuela, in an interview and here's how he responded. Cupcake: How's your stint as a Crew Leader in New York been so far Mr Azuela? Azuela: Thus far my stint has been fairly smooth sailing. The city of NY has avoided some of the, shall we say "excitement" that other cities have seen recently. My family is growing nicely. I have tried to be a bit more demanding as far as my admission standards go and I think that it has paid dividends. Life is good in NY. Cupcake: What improvements are currently underway in the fine city of New York? Azuela: Taskmaster and I have encouraged our family members to flex their entrepreneurial muscles and so far they have answered. Members of our organizations currently run many of the more exciting businesses in NY. Underdogs Utopia, La Accademia di Tiranno Italian Eatery & Bar and Gino's Pizzeria NY are three of the leading businesses in NY. Taskmaster and I are in the final stages of planning renovations for the bar district and I'm sure you'll hear from us soon. Cupcake: I'm sure relations with Taskmaster are as good as ever, but have you learned of any bad habits or antics that the old man has? Azuela: Hmm, let's just say that I hear there's a reason we rarely see Troy_McClure on these streets and it may or may not have to do with special duties required by his CL. Cupcake: The topic in the Battle of the Editors for this week is on mute crewleaders. What is your opinion, generally, on this topic? Allow me to elaborate before you get the wrong idea. Do you think that mute crewleaders should be punished because they should be on the streets regularly, or are you of the opinion that crewleaders should not be required to have much of a street presence? Azuela: I'm curious as to how the term mute is viewed. Does "mute" mean they rarely come out to address the public? Are original speeches what we define as street activity? Or does offering an opinion on someone else's speech suffice? Personally, I try to speak when I find a topic that is of particular interest to me. You don't find me trotting my soapbox out to the middle of the street that often. I think crewleaders should naturally be the type of person who is not afraid to offer their opinion on any given topic. That type of self confidence and intelligence is a necessity in maintaining a highly disciplined and successful criminal organization. Just because a crewleader is "mute" does not necessarily mean they are not doing a good job running their family. However, the fact of the matter is the public does not see what goes on behind closed doors. Crewleaders will always be judged by the general populace and should be aware of that. Cupcake: Lastly, tell us of any other plans that yourself and Taskmaster have for New York as a whole? Azuela: Well, I don't want to spoil our announcement. Rest assured, you shall hear from us soon. The Sugar Factory would like to thank Azuela for agreeing to give up precious time of his to sustain our curiosity, and we would also like to congratulate him on recently acquiring the rank of Consigliere. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BATTLE OF THE EDITORS Here at The Sugar Factory, we have decided to bring you a new form of competition, but not amongst the readers - between the two editors of this production. Battle of the Editors is here my friends, and this is where Candyfloss and I write articles on the same topic but from our own viewpoints! After that, we allow you to draw your own conclusions from what we have written. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Article 1: Mute Leaders. - Reporter: Candyfloss. For a better tomorrow? Leaders of today have taken on a trend of not being very street present. Considering two leaders per city I can only thank god that they don't. While some people trash leaders for not being active, must they really? 14 leaders in total. Does every topic have 14 different points of view? I doubt most even have 4. Do we really want a 10 leaders talking out of their ass when others have all ready made their point? If they all did they would just be dragging on conversations to a juncture of unimportance. I would prefer they don't talk at all then ruin a perfectly good idea. With this new system in place this gives leaders the time to be on the sidelines. Does this excuse laziness? Not a chance, people should still be trying their hardest to make a point and be a positive influence on society especially if they are in positions of power. People like Marietta are very street present, she is a golden example of that. I see her in the streets every few days on a slow week. But there is no need for everyone to follow suit like her. Leaders no longer need to be out every week to announce things as our lovable "tyrant" is out there so often. So people give the leaders a break...if they do come out it is probably something that needs to be spoken. If you want every leader out every day talking out of their ass we should be pushing for a Revan auth! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Article 2: Silence from the top... - Reporter: Cupcake Leading by example? The title is pretty self-explanatory, but for those who are relatively dense I will elaborate for you. Starting by stating the obvious, crewleaders are in place to lead. It's in their 'job description', for want of a better expression. If that is the case, how can a mute leader expect their families to be active on the streets if they are not active themselves? Family members often look up to their leaders and many Mafioso will model themselves on the first person they idolise. Chances are, if you have a street active crew leader, it will spur you on to be more active on the streets yourself. Don't get me wrong here, I don't expect leaders to be out every day and participating in every speech along with making their own speeches every day. The point is that they should be on the streets regularly and should have an active street presence. Whether this is just making one contribution a day, along with encouraging your family to be street active, or whether this is creating activity on the streets when the streets fall silent, either of those fulfil your role of leading. Street activity is not a requirement of being a crew leader these days, but some level of activity should be encouraged among the crew leaders to inspire an active streets. Working for a better today will allow for a better tomorrow. In essence, if the leaders begin to become more street active today, their members will follow suit and allow for this better tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GUEST APPEARANCE For Dante_Balboni of New Orleans By Vanessa "Sugar" Balboni Greetings, Sugar Factory readers. The bitches at Tea Time are on another vacation so I asked the editors of this rag to let me contribute to this week's issue. Of course they eagerly agreed, tripped over themselves and foamed at the mouth to get a piece of sweet Sugar. It was obvious they wanted me when they gave this newspaper my name. Everyone loves Sugar. If they don't they're fucking stupid and should be shot. For ten long years I've been married to the same man. I've had to look at the same face every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep. I cook for him and clean up after him. I've even mastered how to get bloodstains off his silk neck ties. It's not easy being the wife of a mob boss. All these years I've been Mrs. Balboni I thought my husband, Dante didn't appreciate me, but he proved me wrong with his one and only speech on the streets dedicated to me. It made me feel so special, like Queen for a day. Forget roses and diamonds. There's nothing better than hearing a speech in my honor from a man who usually only contributes to other mobster's speeches with the deep and thoughtful words, "I agree." The sweetest part of Dante's speech was when he asked if I'd like to sit on his knee and hear him tell a story. I'd love to do that, but only if they're stories about us. He could tell the world about how we met, how he swept me off my feet and about our fairy tale wedding with white doves and rose petals or he can talk about topics mafia leaders should discuss like honor, respect, loyalty and family. I have a promise to make to the world. In between laundry, dusting and saying "What the fuck?" a hundred times a day I will try to inspire Dante to speak on the streets more often. After all, behind every successful man is a woman nagging him to get off his ass and do something. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is not a fucking disclaimer, this is me telling you that if you got upset in any way by this then you need to not be so fucking sensitive. Have a nice day. |
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Vanessa my dear sweet sweet wife. I'd love to tell you all the stories I know of us....but you'll have to forgive me, I must have been in a drunken stupor for the past 10 years, that or you've been putting so many drugs into my food that I'll have to confess I know nothing of what we have done. Oh how I long to know the highs and the lows we have had together, this revelation is nearly as hard to grasp as a 14 year old child coming out of the woodwork and saying HI DAD. I'm tired and it's been a long day so I'm off to bed here, I'll be sure to drink the warm milk you've laid out for me, no doubt there are more drugs to make me forget who you are. You've helped clear up one little mystery I've had, I always wondered who did the cleaning and cooking because I've no one on the books to do that. I'm sorry that your a stranger to me, hopefully when I wake tomorrow I'll have some recollection of you. |
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| Reply by: Dante_Balboni at Nov 12, '08 22:12 | |
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| Good coverage of recent news, guys. I look forward to reading your next issue. | |
| Reply by: Zoey at Nov 13, '08 12:50 | |
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Fantastic read! My name was mentioned twice this issue! It keeps getting better and better! Keep up the good work, ie, Lets go for mentioning my name 10 times next publication. |
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| Reply by: Bi-Polar_Bear at Nov 13, '08 14:47 | |
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| Thanks guys, that was a great read i really enjoyed it. Cant wait till the next one. | |
| Reply by: SaulSilver at Nov 13, '08 14:48 | |
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Loved It Guys, Keep up the good Work. Battle of the editors is great |
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| Reply by: Shaggs at Nov 13, '08 15:52 | |
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Wow, what a genius this Cupcake is. Candyfloss is a right slacker though. |
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| Reply by: Mane at Nov 13, '08 16:53 | |
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Very nice read as it always is when you see your name mentioned..in a good way. Hops on his portable throne and rides to his new HQ. |
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| Reply by: King_Cav at Nov 13, '08 18:07 | |
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Good read. Thanks for the free advertising Azuela and Sugar Factory crew. Gino's Pizza rules. New York, Philly, Chicago |
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| Reply by: Antonio_Macelli at Nov 13, '08 19:04 | |
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Oh I forgot to say something before. looks deep and thoughtful a minute before continuing on Yes I agree. lights up a smoke before walking off Thats all for me for another few days |
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| Reply by: Dante_Balboni at Nov 13, '08 19:28 | |
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*reads giggling about bear not promoting after he surprised everyone and actually managed boss. a great read gave me a few smiles and sniggers |
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| Reply by: Captain_Tycho at Nov 14, '08 18:25 | |
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Mane Sucks. True story. |
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| Reply by: Leo at Nov 14, '08 19:00 | |
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... How uncalled for! But seriously, Cupcake = genius! Someone agree with me, come on. |
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| Reply by: Mane at Nov 14, '08 22:22 | |
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I agree with Mane. Cupcake is a hell of a reporter. I applaud you guys over at the Sugar Factory. I always enjoy seeing people willing to put some time and thought into an enterprise. |
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| Reply by: Azuela at Nov 15, '08 09:58 | |
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| Can I please have a t-shirt saying I <3 Candyfloss? | |
| Reply by: IShotTheSheriff at Nov 15, '08 22:43 | |
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She smiles as she approaches Mane. Sir, for the first time in a while I have been able to read a publication more than once. Every single time I have put it down and had a smile. I am very impressed and cannot wait for the next edition. It's nice to read something that isn't out to hurt people or cause a negative reaction. I am truly proud to have this publication as a part of our world. She hands Mane a tin of cookies and winks. Be sure to share these with ALL of your reporters. I do mean.. All.. Even that one that sucks. |
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| Reply by: Zoloft at Nov 16, '08 01:23 | |
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Indeed you can my dear Sheriff just send 5 dollers to 187 CupCakesucks drive. C/O Loser McGee (IE: Cupcake) Please allow 4-6 days delivery. |
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| Reply by: Birday at Nov 16, '08 01:31 | |
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| On The other hand i'd Like a Candyfloss Sucks shirt | |
| Reply by: Shaggs at Nov 16, '08 01:43 | |
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Sitting in a local coffee shop she overhears Shaggs' request. Pulling a white t-shirt from her handbag she lays it on the table in front of her, straightening any creases making sure it is flat. She stares at it for a moment then pulls a pink permanent marker from her handbag. She smiles and begins to sketch candy floss as you would get it at a carnival. Paying special attention to the shading wanting to make it as poofy looking as possible. She leans back and smiles. Looking through her purse for her purple marker she finds it and with careful precision writes "Candyfloss Sucks!" in bold purple lettering. She wraps the gift in a tattered copy of Tea Time she found keeping the table level and smiles. Tucking everything into her purse again she pays her bill and approaches Shaggs in the Street. Shaggs, I have heard your wish and hope that you will accept my gift and wear it with pride.. She withdraws the package from her purse and hands it to Shaggs, who is sporting a scared look upon his young face. It's ok dear, it won't hurt you. I promise. |
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| Reply by: Zoloft at Nov 16, '08 02:56 | |
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Shaggs Put the T-Shirt on over his suit and Smiled Its just what I wanted. You got the Size right and All Shaggs Hi-Fives Zoloft |
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| Reply by: Shaggs at Nov 16, '08 03:02 | |
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