The Tabloid News LVII
Mr. Pickles: Editor-In-Chief
FROM THE EDITOR
It’s good to be back behind the great desk of The Tabloid News. That Dread Pirate guy left everything in semi-decent shape, but the French Maids sure are glad to have me back, and the Swedish Children are working harder than ever getting the printing presses ready to run this next edition. So, on with the news!
REBUILDING QUESTIONABLE
After the war, many children of all cities have had to find new homes in new cities. Many of the roads are unfamiliar to them, and it’s easy to get lost. The fine cities of Chicago, Detroit, and Philadelphia have all done admirable jobs opening orphanages and homes for the displaced children of the war. But, how are they adjusting. Many children of New York who find themselves in Chicago are unfamiliar with the local customs. One Goomba in Solastalgia’s crew said, “How am I supposed to eat this deep dish pizza? Do I use a spoon? Why can’t I just fold it over like a good New York thin crust?”
An Earner, who did not want his family named, went to a spring training game for the Cubs. “Dese bums ain’t never gonna win a Woyald Serieses! Now, dem Brooklyn Trolley Dodgers, dere’s a team my great-grandkids will enjoy even in da 21st century! Dose lovable bums!” We, at The Tabloid News, quickly threw this man in a van and dropped him off at the nearest speech therapy clinic (“now repeat after me . . . Daaaa Bearssss!”).
Another Earner with Araidne recently told us “New York, New York, a helluva town. The Bronx is up, but the Battery's down. The people ride in a hole in the groun'. New York, New York, it's a helluva town! But, on the other hand, Chicago is my kind of town, Chicago is my kind of razzmatazz and it has all that jazz. And each time I leave, Chicago is tuggin' my sleeve, Chicago is the Wrigley Building, Chicago is the Union Stockyard, Chicago is one town that won't let you down. It's my kind of town.”
MAKING MONEY IN A BRAVE NEW WORLD
A recent street speech gave tips on making money and the importance of earning. Whereas Penquin gave some sound fiscal advice, we at The Tabloid News have a few more tips and tricks for amassing wealth when picking pockets just is not for you.
1) Pyramid Scheme: A good pyramid scheme such as chain letters is a time honored tradition of mailing everyone you know and do not know to con them into sending you a dollar. Then, they mail everyone they know and do not know and try to con them into sending them a dollar. In theory, it works great. In reality, it is a wonderful way to lose those pesky friends. They will never talk to you again.
2) Invest Your Money: Invest your money in a business like 47 Enterprises ©®™ (NYSE: 47E). 47 Enterprises ©®™ is a very low yield, high risk venture that will assure Mr. Pickles of getting very rich. Send him your money now!
3) Sing for Your Supper: Become a street musician. They make more money than regular musicians, and there are the healthful benefits of fresh air.
4) Sell A Kidney: Ed. Note - Seriously! I’ll trade you some 47 Enterprises ©®™ stock for a fresh one. My doctor says I either get a transplant or quit drinking. And, we all know I am not quitting drinking!
5) The Second Oldest Profession: Politics! Great pay, no work. But, it has been said that it bears a strong resemblance to the first oldest profession.
ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Red,
I’ve been having a problem with my new roommate in the HQ. He snores. A lot! What can I do?
Signed, Sleepless in Philly
Dear Sleepless,
Duct tape. Works like a charm.
Red
Dear Red,
I wanted to follow up on the advice you gave me when I asked "how could I show people I'm not just a dumb blonde?" and you said "First learn all the states and their capitals." I was at a party and a man asked a question. I said, "I know the anwser!" Then the man said "What would you know? You're just a dumb blonde?" So I said, "I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde, I know all the states and their capitals." Then the man said, "Okay, Massachusetts." So, I told him, “"Easy. M!"
Signed, Smart Blonde
Dear Dumbass,
No. Just . . . no.
Red
TABLOID NEWS STREET REVIEW
Once again, we are reviewing the street speeches and summarizing them so you don’t have to.
Ed. Note - We might not actually listen to the speeches before reporting them to you.
Stimulating the Economy – by Penquin: Let’s all go to a strip club, I have the $1’s!
Poor Investments, Poor Decisions – by CupCake: Bought high, sold low.
This Space Intentionally Left Blank – by Subtle:
Twin Peaks Alumni – by Lynch: We went to the strip club with Penquin.
Chicago Union-Tribune – by Araidne: I want to be just like Mr. Pickles when I grow up.
A Sufferer’s Plight – by Aengus: I went into the Champagne Room at Penquin’s strip club and paid for extras. And, boy, am I paying for it.
PROFILES IN LEADERSHIP: CPT. HARRIS
TTN: Ahoy there, Cap’n. Thank you for your time. How are you?
CH: I’m fine. Thanks.
TTN: So, Captain . . . living life on the high seas, sailing around the globe . . . that must be great.
CH: Wait, no, I’m not that kind of . . .
TTN: It must be really great for you to have The Tabloid News based out of your fine city of Chicago, isn’t it?
CH: I really don’t . . .
TTN: Excellent, we’re happy to be here, too. So, tell us about yourself?
CH: Well, I’m . . .
TTN: That’s great. So, back to you being a sea-faring man?
CH: Well, I was trying to tell you . . .
TTN: Oh, the adventures you must have had! Well, we thank you again for your time. Have a great day.
NEW THREATS REVEALED
We have all suffered through a terrible war, and now that things are returning to normal, many of us Mafioso will be taking a much needed break from shafting schlubs, being flighty felons, or Picasso pilferers and go camping in the great outdoors during these lovely Spring and Summer months. And, that leads to The Tabloid News to try to warn you all of the greatest threat of all, BEARS! No, not those loveable gridiron scamps, the Chicago Bears, but the evil ones!
There are some who appear well dressed and innocent, but they will steal your food. Others seem mentally handicapped, but the next thing you know, they enter the city and kidnap your children. Then there are those really demanding bears who insist upon responsibility. Do you ever wondered why Smokey the Bear carries a shovel? It is to bury your dead body after he mauls you for playing with matches. He has to hide the evidence because bears who kill get the immediate death penalty. There are no bear trials, no bear judges, and no bear juries.
Why are these bears so menacing and dangerous? There are two reasons. First, the polar bears have all the delicious refreshing Coca~Cola. Secondly, we all know that bears do their business in the woods. And, we all know they prefer using toilet paper to pine cones or rabbits (you’ve heard the old joke) But, they can not just simply walk into a store and buy some. So, to keep safe when you are out camping, lock your picnic baskets, do not give the bears any money, do not play with fire, and pack extra toilet paper to use as a bargaining chip for your life.
Ed. Note – The Tabloid News would like to thank Danzig for the inspiration for this article from his many conversations with Mr. Pickles on varied subjects.
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