CHICAGO UNION-TRIBUNE

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Publisher: Ariadne                                             Issue 2

PLAGUE ROCKS CHICAGO

A new plague has rocked the streets. Several notable individuals have taken to the streets to discuss the anxiety caused by Itchy Scrotum, also known as itchy scrot.  Please be warned, it can be quite contagious.  Should you notice anyone walking and weaving erratically in the street, or spouting random nonsense, please be aware that these individuals may be suffering from IS.  Please, for the safety of all concerned, help the affected individual to a medical center immediately for care; without treatment it can spread and, in some cases, be lethal.  Currently hospitals in the local area are quarantining these individuals, to prevent further infections.  Hopefully with these measures in place, the epidemic will be nipped in the bud quickly, or more accurately, nipped in the scrotum.

MEET THE NEWSIES

Who are the Newsies?

Well, that’s a damned good question. The Newsies are a family set up in Chicago, neutral in the war that has just been fought on these shores. Our leader/creative Goddess, Ariadne, survived due to being out of town on business while the fighting went off, and returned with the goal of rebuilding our world and giving it the best damn newspaper you’re ever going to read. We’ll bring you neutral and unbiased reviews of current events, businesses, announcements and other happenings in our world, as well as opinion pieces, comment, a fantastic agony aunt and oh so much more.

And if you should so happen to be interested in joining our team? Well, we’re interested in having you. You don’t have to be an award winning writer, an experienced writer, or even a good writer; we’ll help you to develop your skills and abilities and enable you write with more confidence, and hopefully to come to our streets and speak with more confidence too. We want to encourage a supportive creative environment within our crew, as well as, of course, being a downright all around awesome crew.

So, if you think you have what it takes to become one of our number,  please contact myself or Ariadne, and be ready to explain what it is you can bring to our organization, as space is very limited. 

Featured Businesses

The Mooringline Restaurant- Chicago

The Moorlingline Restaurant is my favorite place to go out for a romantic meal. We just love sitting outside on the porch and looking at the beautifully landscaped Detroit scene. There are blue glass tiles on the the porch columns and at night the candles on the tables create interesting visual effects with the tiles and the grapevines overhead. The food is always exquisitely prepared. There are so many wonderful choices on the menu that I have only tried a small fraction of the offerings. The grilled sea bass is a meal fit for a queen! Every time I go to The Moorlingline Restaurant I find more to love.

Review by Alphonse Indelicato

Horoscopes

Capricorn:   Looks like it's time for you to be on the ball! Go travel, see places, maybe try and break your friends out of jail. This week seems to be a week for experiences and you should go for it!

Aquarius:   Perhaps it's time to tighten those purse strings, tough times are ahead and you don't want to be caught unprepared!

Pisces:  Stressed out from your daily tasks? Take a break! You well deserve it. Travel and see the sights, go down to the speakeasies and grab a drink. Enjoy yourself!

Aries:  It's time for you to buckle down and start thinking about those long term plans. How do you see yourself in the next few months? Maybe it's time to make some friends!

Taurus:  Be on your toes! This week, it's vital for you to watch your back, it's time to discern who your real friends are and who are those just waiting to stab you in the back! Once so, you can rest easy and have a peace of mind.

Cancer:  Look forward to good news! Whether you got that job you coveted or finished those deals, all seems to be well for you this week!

Leo:  You and a certain someone should establish or reestablish boundaries to make clear on who owns what. This week brings a necessary lesson where both money and love is concerned.

Virgo:  There is freedom for you to change the things you want to be changed. All those restrictions you thought you had in the past? No problem, if you look into yourself, you'll find a way to make things better.

Libra:  You're about to make a long term decision. The sky is on your side to ensure that it is both timely and right.

Scorpio:  Don't worry about that someone judging you! You need to be more confident this week since it will bring great fortune. You have no reason to believe you're not passing a certain 'test' with flying colors.

Sagittarius:  Although you might find yourself focusing on your shortfalls or failures more than successes, the sky has plans to give you good reason to feel optimistic. Allow a bit of time for that reason to reveal itself. It will.

Gemini:  This week’s word is tolerance.  If you let others think and do what they like, you allow yourself to do that same.  Are you well spoken?  Make sure you’re using that gift in a responsible way. 

Rub Some Bacon on it!

Well kids, it's that time of the week again. Some poor, unfortunate soul has come to me with their desperate pleas for help. If you find yourself in a bind that you can't get yourself out of without some loving help from your favourite Agony Aunt just drop a letter at the front desk. Who knows, it could be you featured in a future issue! Now, enough self-promotion, onto the yummy stuff.

Dear Midol,

I married my husband five years ago and he's become a big, fat, stinky, lazy monkey-loving slob.

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I do all the work around the house, I cook all his meals, organise his hitters for him, and feed his flock of seagulls. 

All he does is sit on the stoop with his mates while the neighbourhood imps drop off bags of cash. 

Oh, wait! Maybe that's how it happened! Anyway...

The pudgy prick blames me for making 'all those home-cooked feasts' and filling his every whim and desire when it comes to "snack time" baked goods. He eats like King Henry the VIII. Glutton is an understatement. I'm killing a pig every two weeks! He has no shame either, he wears as much as he eats.

He spends at six nights a week down the pub or out for a drink with "colleagues" after work at some dive on the South Side. The one night he isn't there he's at someone's poker night. He's never home with me.

Surely things shouldn't be this depressing after only five years? I want to have kids, but I'm seriously worried about doing IT with him. I'm only four foot eight and under six stone with blonde hair and an ample enough bosom that the milk man has shown some interest in me. There is also the fear that he will eat our children. What should I do?

~ The Skinny Cow

Dear Skinny Cow,
I've only got three words of advice for you. Lube, lube, lube.. On a more serious note though, when it comes time to having to do the dirty deed I suggest thinking of as many attractive people as you can, clench your eyes shut, and fake it to make it kiddo! To save yourself from being smothered be sure to be a little risque in your positions.

You could also just bump uglies with the milk man and when you're finally knocked up just tell the pig that it must have happened when he returned home drunker than his two-bit whore. That is if you aren't above a little white lie.

If all else fails, rub some bacon on it. No really, the fat acts as a lube and it may improve the aroma of your husband! Bacon is an aphrodisiac to some after all?

Love and Cookies,
Midol

Fashion Sense

I’ve been strolling through the streets a lot lately, and have noticed a worrisome trend among folks.  Namely, the use of a deep red thread.  Now, normally I’m not one to quibble fashion sense, or the lack thereof, but seeing that color used on so many of the dark gray coats that are the fashion currently makes me wonder if there’s just an odd bit of that red clay mud splashed on the hem.  Then, when I pull out a flash light to see for sure, it turns out to be an actual message!  Is this some new secret code?  A new way of sending private messages? I will have to investigate further, because if the messages are intended to be read, they shouldn’t be in that shade of red.

NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS FOR THE FOLLOWING:

Classified Section – Got a business? Advertise here

Contest section – Are you running a contest? Advertise here

Obituaries – Are you mourning a loved one?  Announce the services in this section.

After having read the Chicago Union Tribune, Torgo was somewhat scared by the person who had been writing the horoscopes as he noticed the part for Libra, Torgo gave the young paper boy a dollar and patted him on the head before he went back to handle his business. "Maybe someone is stalking me," he thought to himself as he walked away, it was yesterday that he had made his long term decision, a decision which he was quite proud of.

I would like to have an issue on achieving my 16th unit on my first day in the business. I'm willing to pay a substantial sum to ensure the quality of the write up as well as the quantity. Its not everyday somebody achieves a truly maniacal feat as this one, so I think we need to freeze time a little bit to recognize my achievement.

I can see the headline now . . . "John Steal Button From Made Durden." Of course, that would be a better article for The Tabloid News.  Nice job, Ariadne.  Keep it up, and I just might let you work for me.

I'd like to see a weekly paper address issues or cover stories that would otherwise be overlooked by the bustle of the community. I for one would like to read summaries of discussions I've unfortunately missed due to other commitments. Or perhaps recommendations of discussions or businesses to visit?

That being said, this is a soundly presented tabloid the likes of which I'll be anticipating further issues in the future.

frank finds a copy of the old paper and starts reading it "man i really have to stop sleeping in if i want to catch these awesome papers"