Walking past the newspaper stand you are approached by an old scruffy man, his hair flowing in the wind and his eyes alight with craziness. You make to move away but something draws you to him, he's clutching a pile of flyers and he walks up to you waving one in your face. He opens his mouth to speak and you notice that instead of the usual rotten smell that accompanies the homeless folk this man is wearing cologne, his teeth sparkle too.

Got a problem lovey? Just write in and I bet I can help you fix it.

You look down at the flyer and then back at the old man, who has moved on to the next person to harass, then back to the flyer which you read.

Uncle Urza's Advice and Guidance

Got a problem with your man...

...then cook him a meal and give him a BlowJob.

Need some advice on the best way to catch a sheep...

...then stick a Welshman at one end of a field.

Want to hear another persons thoughts on your ideas...

...No, insulting your boss isn't going to get you the pay rise you've been after.

 

For answers to these and other questions contact me directly, or via the Chicago Tribune Offices.

She purses her lips and places her hands on her hips.

Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me? Are you trying to encroach upon MY territory? You really think you can give better advice than the Queen of Pharmaceutical Agony Aunts? Honestly? 

I'll be expecting your request for forgiveness soon... There's only room for one Agony <insert title here> in this town. Why don't you cover you know, current events? The news? Something thing you're good at.

She rolls her eyes and marches straight to her office to imbibe in a few drinks and read a letter or two.

"You want I should punch him in the face, Midol?"

She nods at Face Puncher..

Yes dear, just a little bit won't hurt him.. Much.

The crazy looking old man hears some mutterings behind him and turns.

Listen here little boy, I was old before you were born, I've seen things you wouldn't believe. I'm not encroaching I'm complimenting, the new and the old, young and ancient, sane and crazy, ugly and pretty.

Hearing Face_Puncher approach from behind, he turns, and stares straight into the eyes of his would be attacker...

I wouldn't do that if I was you young lady.

Athena notices the argument amongst the mortals and steps in.

Clearly dispensing wisdom is my territory. Perhaps you should settle this with temple offerings?