THE TABLOID NEWS LVIII

Mr. Pickles: Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

We at The Tabloid News are here to take a stand.  We must hold true to our journalistic integrity.  We will not succumb to the tyranny of Mr. Pickles who is trying to impose his will on the freedom of the 4th Estate.  We will not, however, succumb to his tyrannical demands and will continue to tell the truth behind the lies behind the truth behind the lies behind the truth.  Sure, it would be easier to tow the party line and yes we do risk being sent to one of the Pickles Re-Education Resorts, but we will stand strong.  So, once again, on with the news, if Pickles allows!

TYRANT PICKLES UNABLE TO MEET DEMANDS

The new tyrant for the new era failed to make good on his promise of circuses on the first and third Thursday.  There were no marching bands.  No floats.  And sadly, no giant balloons.  How are people supposed to cower in fear of this self-appointed tyrant if he will not follow through?  It is unclear which of the many types of delusions of grandeur Mr. Pickles suffers from, however it is certain that he probably is not suffering but enjoying every moment of his delusions.

GOHAN WONDERS WHAT PEOPLE WANT, TABLOID NEWS RESPONDS

In a recent speech to the masses, Philadelphia Crew Leader Gohan asked the public what they want from their leaders.  In an effort to assist our public leaders The Tabloid News has decided what the people want from each leader.

Cpt-Harris (Threads / Posts: 11 / 12) – A speech detailing for the younger mobsters where babies come from.
Kpacumup (Threads / Posts: 6 / 7) – Just tell us how to pronounce your name.
Ziva (Threads / Posts: 4 / 20) – A fashion show, describing what the well dressed Mafioso will be wearing . . . in Canada.
JakeLuciano (Threads / Posts: 6 / 33) – A few tips on HQ décor.  Should we really put a philodendron near the shotguns?
Solastalgia (Threads / Posts: 9 / 35) – A book report on Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.
Alucard (Threads / Posts: 3 / 21) – A visitor’s guide to NWCOBLDGTDAN highlighting the best restaurants and brothels.
ChaosSpike (Threads / Posts: 13 / 121)  - A vibrant debate concerning the presidency of James Polk contrasted with James Garfield.
Subtle (Threads / Posts: 9 / 26) – A nice comedy routine of observational material.  You may not discuss airline food.
Visicaro (Threads / Posts: 4 / 7) – A discussion on the talking pictures.  Wave of the future or passing fad?
Anomaly (Threads / Posts: 2 / 10) – Style tips for the well groomed mobster.
Finnick (Threads / Posts: 3 / 1) – A sing-a-long featuring the greatest hits of Roy Rogers and Gene Autry.
Lynch (Threads / Posts: 6 / 14) – You’ll be forming the planning committee for our 4th of July Independence Day picnic.
SammyGravano (Threads / Posts: 5 / 30) – You’ll be consoling the English gangsters for Rebellious Colonies Day.
QuintenTarantino (Threads / Posts: 5 / 17) – A mobsters guide to proper dining etiquette, to avoid all those nasty social faux pas.
Ladyfighter (Threads / Posts: 4 / 0) – First date tips for the shy mobster.  I think this will tie-in well with Cpt. Harris’ project.
Lex_Luthor (Threads / Posts: 5 / 7) – Explain to me why kittens seem so disinterested about everything but really love shoelaces.
Paul_Klint (Threads / Posts: 10 / 3) – Have a yard sale.  It is time to get rid of that dart board in your HQ.  You lost the darts anyway.
Frank_Sinatra (Threads / Posts: 17 / 52) – A nice long, impassioned speech about how totally awesome Mr. Pickles is, and how you are eternally jealous of Ziva that he is not in your crew.
Bianca (Threads / Posts: 9 / 7) – Set up shop offering advice.  But, give people the worst advice possible and see what happens.
Gohan (Threads / Posts: 12 / 29) – Come up with your own ideas.  We at The Tabloid News are getting tired.  And, we get really fussy when we do not get our nap.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
I paid a lot of money to Mr. Pickles the Tyrant, but I’m not seeing any benefit.  Can you say something to him, please?
Enkindle

Dear Enkindle,
You got your letter published, didn’t you?
Red

Dear Red,
Every year on my birthday my dad sends me a box of condoms with a note that reads “Dear Son, don’t make the same mistakes I did.”  What should I do?”
Hurt Feelings

Dear Hurt,
Take his advice.
Red

CAPTAIN HARRIS BUYS PIG FARM

After searching through the hidden books the Mayor of Chicago would rather nobody know about, it was discovered Cpt. Harris has not been paying his tribute to the mayor.  Further investigation showed that he purchased a 20 acre pig farm outside of Joliet.  It is still unclear why this purchase was made, but sources say Midol has been pressuring Cpt. Harris for bacon, and her addiction has become so great that he needs his own rendering facilities to meet demand.  There is no word yet of any repercussions from the Mayor of Chicago.

TABLOID NEWS STREET REVIEW

We listen to the speeches (no we don’t) so you don’t have to!

Terms of Power by Promethius - He just purchased the Electric Company solidifier his holding with Water Works.  Ventnor Ave. may be next.

The Trap by Savannah Dubrinsky - She found a man to marry her.

A Bigger Loop by Cpt. Harris - He discovered the trick to tying his own shoes.

Chicago Union-Tribune by Ariadne – She still wants to be just like Mr. Pickles, if Pickles allows.

QUINTEN TARANTINO ARRESTED IN BOMB THREAT

Quinten Tarantino has been arrested after authorities say he threatened to blow up the Detroit FBI field office with explosives folded into a burrito.  Tarantino was arrested Thursday just as he was boarding a bus to Amarillo, Texas, at the Detroit Greyhound bus station.  According to a criminal complaint, Tarantino told agents of his plot in a call to a West Virginia FBI office from his Detroit motel room.  The complaint says Tarantino also told agents that he had placed a timed bomb at the Detroit Social Security Administration building but no bomb was found.  Tarantino is facing charges of violating interstate communications laws and creating a hoax.  It was unclear if he had an attorney.

Not sure how I could possibly do a comedy routine that does not involve airplane food. I mean is that even possible?

Never the less, I shall try, I guess. If it's what the Pickle wants.

Also, nice job on the Tabloid this week. Always a pleasant read while I  have my breakfast. Smiles

A letter addressed to the Editor-In-Chief for the Tabloid News.

Dear Mr. Pickles:

I would like to thank you for my recent feature in this week's issue of THE TABLOID NEWS. It is a privilege and an honor to be discussed on the pages of such acclaimed and reputable paper.  Thank you for your endless efforts and tireless work and all your help in creating a better, stronger, thriving community.

Regarding your question, I am more than happy to clear any confusion that my foreign name might have caused. Contrary on the popular belief that it is some sort of a nickname or a acronym for those in the know, it is actually my real, birth given name. It may seem daunting for those unfamiliar with Cyrillic alphabet but fret not, it is very easy to use, pronounce and understand. All you need to know are a few simple rules and tips:

* If the K is followed by a vowel , it is a silent one. If it's followed by a consonant then it's read as it is.

* If the first "p" comes before an "a", then you can completely ignore it. However, if the second "p" is after a vowel, then you need to pronounce the first one as well, else the whole name would sounds ridiculous. If there are no vowels in the name whatsoever, then both "p" can be substituted for "l" as in "Peter".

* If the "c" is in the middle of the name it's pronounced as "k", however, if the length of the name is greater than 5 it turns into a "s". And last but not least, if the letter is used in a male name, then it's irrelevant.

* Whenever a "u" falls before a consonant it's a particularly fascinating case. If the consonant is from the first half of the alphabet and before "j", it's considered a lucky omen and you need to shout it out to make everyone aware of it. If however it's after it, it's a cursed letter and can be used only if whispered so not to provoke bad things to happen. If the consonant is from the second half of the alphabet, then it's a quite common case and you could choose to pronounce it or not, it is upon the user's discretion.

* Be particularly afraid of the letter "m". It is a letter known to be used only by extremely vain and stuck up people and has more than seventeen different rules and exceptions when it comes to the pronunciation of it, some of which contradict and nullify each other. I wish I could cover all the basics of it, however unfortunately I have more pressing things to attend.

I believe this covers most of it and I would like to think this would make it easier for you and anyone else who might have been struggling with the usage of my name. Once again, I would like to thank you Mr. Pickles for the chance to set it all straight and I trust you will have an enjoyable weekend.

Best regards,

Kpacumup.

tony chuckles a bit as he sits his edition of the tabloid nnews down

I hope all you passerbys ggrab a copy of this deliciously delectable entertainment. 

Speaking of delicious amd delectable reading this editors name makes me hungry. 

tony wanders off towards a pickle cart vendor.

She has a read and smiles...

I'd just like to clarify that it is not just MY bacon habit that needs feeding.. Prozac and Ziva are pretty into their bacon too.. Not to mention Cantona. Tommy eats his fair share as does Eddy. In fact they're all over it and have it all over them most of the time. Torgo wears tailored bacon suits most of the time and by the end of the day he's eaten himself naked. I won't even tell you what Shaun does with it.

You, being a member of Fort Hubcap, should know all about the bacon and it's place in our family.

Floury Tortoise is the worst of us all though. He's so wrapped up in his bacon fetishes he can't rob a post office or sell a few pounds of heroin. Last time I saw him he was sitting, buried to his neck in a pile of bacon and fantastically melted cheese atop a pile of fried potatoes. 

She kicks the ground all innocent and stuff..

Sheesh.. Blaming it all on me. I saw that stack of bacon pancakes with bacon in between each one and the side of bacon you took with you this morning. Jerk.

HRMPH... It's not just me.. Well okay, maybe it's a BIT of me...

vectre walks by and picks up a paper and after reading he gives a small laugh and says "this red guy is good at advice haha"

"Hey mister, mister, copy of the Tabloid News for you sir?" the paperboy screeched as JakeLuciano strolled by. Not one to let a poor youngster down, he grabs a copy of the paper

"The tyrant who never was" JakeLuciano chuckles to himself as he heads back to his HQ to tend to his house plants ..... and his shotguns 

Anomaly walks into his headquarters after a long days work, heading straight for his office he hears Cecilia talking to him.

"I'm sorry Cecilia, what were you saying?"

Cecilia: "I said that you didn't respond to Mr_Pickles article, he wants you to do an article on how to be well groomed, and since you are the best looking CL around, I think you should do it."

Anomaly walks over and takes the paper off her desk and proceeds to his office, sits down grabs a pen and starts jotting down his routine.

"If you want to be a well groomed mobster there are a few things you have to do."

"First off I start my day off the same, I wake up and take a nice shower you know, the easy life."

"Also, if you want to be well groomed you need a can of this Anomalized hair gel, I make it myself it's only $75 a can, If you would like any just send me a message. It will make your hair look however you like and guaranteed to keep it there until you decide to wash it out."

"You also need the best tailoring around, I personally like to get my suits tailored for me by JessiePinkman, he can make any ordinary person stand out."

"To be well groomed you also need to keep your facial hair in line, if you have a caveman beard, atleast make sure it looks right on you, If not, clean shaved can work for basically anyone. If you would like a haircut, or need your beard trimmed, you can message Scott-Weiland as he is the best barber West Side has ever soon.

Anomaly folds up this piece of paper he has been writing all of his secrets on, and send it to Mr_Pickles