The Bloody Tissue

Monday, Jul 01 - Issue I ^5c

EDITORS: ERIC CANTONA & STEVE ROGERS

Who, What and Why?
A open letter from the Editors

You'd be forgiven if you've never heard of a publication called 'The Bloody Tissue' before. It's most recent issue was some four years ago, and only a scant record of it's existence can be found in the public records office. The history of the Tissue goes much further back than this, though, and is much deeper than the preserved issues would indicate. The newspaper was first published in in the early days of organised crime on our shores, and it's most regular and popular time was during the reign of Anita. Alas, this is all ancient history and story time is over (for now).

Here we are then in the present day, and the Streets are crying out for quality journalism to draw attention to the laughable, incite the controversial and, naturally, to trivialise the hugely important. The Chicago Union Tribune initially showed much promise but has been regrettably been underwhelming; particularly given that for much of it's history it had an entire crew dedicated to it's publication. The Long Island Enquirer is already a relatively sporadic publication and with it's editor soon to take on the mantle of Godfather, this is set to continue. Finally, The Tabloid News is guided by a hook-nosed imbecile who smells of mothballs a quality publication for the lighter stories, but does not tackle the contentious current affairs - and so The Bloody Tissue has risen from the ashes to deliver. However, it surely must be noted that all 4 newspapers in existence originate in the Windy City. This may be a happy coincidence, but The Bloody Tissue Editors are nonetheless throwing down the gauntlet on behalf of our fair city: New York, Philadelphia, Detroit - time to step up  and show us what you can do.

Traditionally, The Bloody Tissue has it's roots in the satirical and that is something we plan to continue. This is not a propaganda paper. This is not a paper that will beat you over the head with the obvious stick as you blankly read through announcements and summaries of things you've already heard in the Streets. This is a paper which will confront the difficult topics and debatable  issues with a clenched fist and a strangly yelled 'Shove it up your arse!'. A founding principle of The Bloody Tissue was to display as little bias as humanely possible and that is why, as Editors, we promise to print everything we receive.

That's right; if you vehemently disagree with something we've previously printed, if you want to make your voice heard but don't want your own soap box or if you simply enjoy writing then our pledge to you is that we will print your articles (regardless of whether we agree with the content), commentaries and interviews providing they are of adequate length and within limits laid down by City Hall.

NB: If you are offended by anything we print in this or subsequent issues, then you have our apologies. That is to say, we apologise that you are offended, we do not apologise for our content.

Yours Faithfully,

Steve Rogers & Eric Cantona

A Step in the Right Direction
Cantona

(It should be noted that this article went to press shortly before the Detroit & Friends take down of Queens. As such, a small amount of information may be slightly outdated. Nevertheless, recent events in Queens have only served to reinforce the opinion held in this article. Read on later in the newspaper to hear of The Tissue's take on recent evens in Queens in full)

It was to many people's surprise this week that, in response to a declaration of war from Corktowner Joseph Zerilli, a gang of hardy Philadelphians took the first plane north to enter into the fray. It remains somewhat unclear whether this small band, including Bianca's Left Hand Man Armorbearer, made the first move in offering themselves as guns for hire or whether de facto Detroit leader Quinten-sorry-about-my-spelling-Tarantino requested their assistance.

What is for certain though is that it has generated a fair amount of discussion in the coffeeshops. That is to say, a venue where people can speak their mind without having to actually stand up for their opinions like adults. This reporter, however, would rather come to the Streets and make his feelings known on this matter; and despite all the hand wringing and self-righteous anger at this city jumping, I think it's an enterprising move that deserves plaudits - not put downs.

The practice of loaning hitters isn't unique to Quentin Quinten and chums, and it certainly didn't begin with the current occupants of Philadelphia and Detroit; but in my opinion is that it  is still such an under-utilised approach that it can be considered innovative. Perhaps more importantly, though, is that this move could be considered an indication of things to come - the world around is changing, and we naturally must adapt with it in order to thrive.

Sadly, the changes much needed are being made at a glacial pace. Leaders now control neighbourhoods instead of entire cities outright and yet take a walk through Brooklyn, Queens or Staten Island and you would never know you were in districts controlled by different leaders; indeed, they seem to revel in their identikit set ups. Wander through the streets of Chicago, meanwhile, and you'll find that despite 3 men ruling their district as Godfather and yet there is still a reflexive, almost essential, need to declare one above the others in stature and standing. Further still, call Chicago home and you will be bombarded by incessant mailings as each Leader clamours to be the first to break news to the entire city.

Why are the changes needed so desperately being made at this glacial pace, though? Why are the majority content to sit in the past? Simply, because change is scary, the status quo is reassuring and so we as a community stick to an approach and a structure that is on life support. Throughout our history, it has always been a case of city v. city; within each metropolis people put aside their own personal difference to present a united front to other cities who, whilst friendly on the surface, were always looking at each other for signs of weakness or dischord. This is why so many are unimpressed with the approach taking by Quentin Quinten and his friends in Philadelphia, it just feels so wrong, so against our traditional way of doing things. It is, however a portent of things to come. The difficulties we have in traveling cross country are just the beginning - as City Hall have confirmed there will soon be a lot more pressure on us criminals, making it harder for us to operate further from home.

All of this will make cross country city-on-city wars extremely difficult at the best of times and logistically impossible at the worst of times. The  candle is burning low on the days of City-wide outfits and cross country wars. In an environment where real estate in your own town is limited and your prime rivals are on your doorstep, it matters little what your counterparts in a different timezone are doing. The days of Districts are upon us; and kudos to Detroit and Philadelphia for realising it.

Rogue - Put on your Rouge
Rogers

Recently we’ve had three rogues deliver four deaths. “The Man” would lead you to believe they were all independent attacks. But take a second and think, could they really be independent of each other? I don’t think so. It all seems awfully coincident timing that 3 rogues should pop up within a week of a public statement by a certain 'underground' group; especially after a period of relative calm. And so, I’ve come to expose the cover-up (or I’m just making stuff up, either way it will be much more interesting than what is currently out there unless Kuku makes an appearance. No doubt his conspiracy claims will beat anything I have hands down).

Let me give you the real facts and the background to these rogue attacks. Following the war where Phil’s Steak was well done and Deadly Sin nearly turned the war on its head and battered Chicago singlehandedly, like an abusive step-father. The Brotherhood soon came out and claimed vicarious victory over the Deadly Steak allied powers. They achieved this by “placing" agents into Chicago’s inner circle.

It seems The Brotherhood aren’t happy with the new regime over in Chicago either so they’ve awoken their sleeper agents across the Mafie world. Low and behold their first agent pops Lady Aliena. Using her the facade of being the angry mistress of Anomaly shot Isla in a “fit of rage”. After all, even by the standards of Aliena's bloodline; the reasons behind Isla's death seem too bizarre, implausible and downright batshit insane to be true.

Daughter of Isla, Cecilia, was to die die the very next of relative unknown New York Wise Guy Ayuikj who was named when his mother dropped a bag of scrabble tiles when she went into labour. He then bought out and spent several dull minutes unsponsored before being shot in the face. The second death in 2 days of Isla's bloodline casts further doubt on Aliena's already spurious tale. Something more was going on. Could it be that the dastardly Brotherhood were extending their tentacles?!

It could be indeed, the wheels were now in motion for the Brotherhood, time to plan their next attack. Which target would strike the biggest blow to Chicago, certainly not Simply Zmeika, surely? Nevertheless, she was shot in the gace anyway. A pertinent aside: a special mention must go to WallaWallaBingBang who stated in her funeral "I hope your blood line get's another shot at auth". It's unclear whether this was a profoundly stupid choice of words, or a calculated and evil attempt and rubbing salt in the words. Either way, it was hilarious, bravo.

On with the show; The Brotherhood promised Lefty forty Virgins or whatever the equivalent to that would be in the Mafie world for the following acts. Becoming a suicide hitter seemed to be much more fruitful than sitting around being untrusted as a forty unit Capo, or at least Lefty thought it to be.

According to a telegram I just got or I could have just made it up, The Brotherhood has explained the shooting of Zmeika as cutting off a limb that belongs to Chicago. As you see Lady Fighter arrived into Brooklyn from Chicago and Zmeika was to be her first auth, so killing her has stopped the spread of influence flowing from Chicago. So I count 3 for The Brotherhood and 2 for Chicago.

But The Brotherhood still weren’t happy, they needed one more to add to their list. Testarossa more affectionately known as Kendra became the chosen one. In one swift and effective move a bullet was put between her eyes and an even bigger bullet in the operations of Chicago. This was the big fish they were after, but Chicago weren’t going to take that laying down. Fuck no they weren’t and not too long later, Lefty ended up among the dead. However, I do think The Brotherhood will take this bout as a victory. 4 – 3 in their favour. Well played Brotherhood, well played. 

...Or is it? Read on next week to find out.

W.A.R - We Are peRplexed.
Cantona

As was mentioned in 'A note from the Editors', The Bloody Tissue is not fond of recounting events you'll have already heard about in the Streets.  This is why this paper won't bore you with factual but ultimately boring like Solastagia and Luciano's promotions to Godfather (completed), Penquin's quiz and wall of fame (ongoing) or Ziva's achievement as 'The Face of Goldstein & Co. Incontinence Aids' (timeless).

It is, then, something of a departure from the norm for us to provide a commentary on what looks on the surface to be a relatively run of the mill takedown with no surprising results. Looks can be deceiving though, and there were enough surprises in this short campaign to fill an entire article (or even newspaper - depending upon the publication) and enough slapstick hilarity to compete with a Laurel and Hardy talkie movie. Grab some popcorn, a drink and one of Ziva's own brand catheters - you might just piss yourself.

It all started with the 6million dollar man Gear24 being shot 'by mistake' by New Yorker VeronicaCorningstone. Two things were made immediately clear by this 'mistake'. First, the 'mistake'  of accidentally riddling someone full of bullets is apparently  much easier than it sounds. Secondly, trying to pass something off as some kind if wacky shenanigan does not necessarily mean you'll get away with it, or even continue breathing. Following his death Gear24's value was initially put at $12,000,000, proof that we're often thought better of when we're dead. In truth, though, it was  a reasonable valuation considering his blood couldcure cancer and his tears were a high-efficiency fuel source.

In a gesture of magnanimity to Veronica,  Quentin  Quentin Tarantino reduced the compensation request to 6million and everything was hunky dory; until Gear24's son (allegedly named Cog76 - to be confirmed) had a rather heated conversation with Veronica which she requested an apology for. Quentin Quinten was angered by this and so went to speak with de facto Queens Boss Lex Luthor, presumably to request an apology for Veronica's apology requests.

(Isn't it really weird how a word starts looking fake if it's used to often?...Request. Request. Request. Hmm.)

The discussions were ultimately fruitless, and this is where the confusion comes  bowling in like your racist Granny at a birthday party. Although not officially mentioned, Philadelphia's involvement in the decimation of Queens was substantial and essential to the attack and it was even a Philadelphia member who took allegedly down Queens Boss, Luthor. This alone doesn't necessarily mean anything in terms of Detroit's legitimate 'beef', or the overall justification of the war. However, it is the first factor in a chain of events that create a maelstrom of 'what the fuck is going on?'.

Along with total silence regarding Philadelphia's involvement, Tarantino claims he left the discussion with Luthor and put an 'errant' bullet in Corningstone's head; a claim which seems to be disputed by the official account of the 10 senior figures in Queens taking a dirt nap over an hour before Corningstone was...thrown to the bears, so to speak. In the intervening hour, Detroit lost a button man of their own, Alpha. It is assumed that was was retaliation from Queens, though it is entirely possible that someone simply called her out on her bullshit claim of shooting anyone who did not return money more than 3 minutes after pping her. Rest in peace, Alpha, we barely knew ye.

Still following? Good. Please, take a moment. Have a little drink before we continue gorging ourselves on this veritable smorgasbord of bereavement and befuddlement. In Quentin's Quinten's reasoning for the war, apparently penned in invisible ink, he declared that there would be protection for any un-made member in Queens left homeless of the result of the war; promising that any violators would be 'rep-remanded' (Yeah, what?). Despite this, requests for witness statements were sent out not by the Detroit Leader but by Ladyfighter of Brooklyn. Among the requests for W/Ses were the killings of a Boss (a legal kill), two inactive gangsters (legal kills) and 3 untagged members (widely regarded to be....Yep, you guessed it; legal kills).

The real question here is not how Ladyfighter 'pulled a SteveRogers', as the idiom goes, in sending out a staggering 6 irrelevant WS requests. After all, we all know the saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me six times, what the sweet fuck is going on all up in here!?". No, the real question is what on earth possessed the Brooklyn leader to believe finding the 'culprits' of these 6 killings was her responsibility. New York is (apparently) city that has set up its districts as being independents. Given that the idea of autonomous factions co-existing within one city is a relatively recent one, you'd have thought that Leaders there would go to great lengths to ensure their self-rule was common knowledge. Instead, a more sensible option seemed to be wade into a conflict in which she was neutral and muddy the waters up a bit. Naturally.

Despite this kerfuffle an associate slain in the aftermath of this war who was clearly an illegal hit was Dopexy, a man who actively declared himself to be looking for a home. Nevertheless, this is a killing for which no attempt to find the culprit seems to be made. Dopexy, our tragic hero, is the true victim of this war. Go in peace, friend; our vigil for you shall see no end.

Jackass of the Week
Rogers

(Please note: All nominations and entrants for the prestigious and, up until this moment, nonexistent Jackass of the Week awarded were collated before the events of Jun 30. To enter any of your associates in next week's addition, please contact Rogers or Cantona informing them why your chosen candidate should be considered.)

This is an ward for the biggest idiot of the week. That mobster that does something that just makes you want to laugh. This week there are three nominees; and  the first is none other than that no named C, Steve Rogers. Yeah that same C that has been whooped by the Red Skull. Would you believe he sent out a witness statement request for the shooting of a bum? Now that honestly doesn’t sound that bad does it? Nope, it certainly doesn’t, but when the shot was legit then it becomes quite idiotic. He is such a colossal ass hat that he almost dragged dear Jessie Pinkman down with him. Only a true jackass can bring others down with him from such a small act. However, in my humble and totally unbiased opinion there are bigger jackasses running the streets.

One of the others being Lady Aliena, this lovely lady got her knickers in a twist because she was unnoticed, and that’s almost as outlandish as me getting a hard-on because Jean Harlow smiled in my direction on the red carpet. Nevertheless what else would you expect of the dear old Melis blood line? These kind of actions are becoming way too common; in the same manner the Kuku name has become synonymous with bullshit, the Melis name has become synonymous with craziness. To be honest she’s not completely bad she is a wonderful earner and can be quite friendly, but oh boy does the bad overwhelm the good. And the bad has caused Melis to be as disliked as Benedict Arnold. A few readers may be wondering why Melis has so many critics it’s because the actions of Lady Aliena have too often been associated with her bloodline. Now you are most probably asking why Lady Aliena died; a 40 unit Boss, sitting pretty in the Godfather’s family, she couldn’t have died because she was simply upset, right? Right! She died because her crazy Melis persona took over and decided to shoot Isla because Anomaly ignored her. Imaginary love triangle, me thinks so.

The final nominee is for our dear Godfather Captain Harris, he is nominated for accepting the ticking time-bomb that is Lady Aliena into not only his city, but also into his Godfather family. Now I see the real idea behind this all, don’t worry Harris I what you was doing. If Melis stays calm you look like the genius that made the Melis’ bloodline a productive member of Chicago, when no one else was willing to accept her. No reward without risk and so on. However, that idea is almost as plausible as putting a loaded gun in the hands of a toddler and expecting no one to get hurt. It’s not impossible for people to be safe if a toddler has a loaded gun in their hands, but nine times out of ten someone is going to be seriously hurt. For Godfather Harris’ misguided attempt at rehabilitating Melis he receives a nomination and rounds out this week’s nominees.

In order to crown the first ever Bloody Jackass of The Week mail your votes to Cantona, as it would be quite inappropriate mailing it to Captain “I Can’t Tell Time” Steve Rogers. In the next article the votes will be counted and the winner, if you can call it that, will be announced.

Disclaimer: All votes will be kept completely anonymous, we don’t want any of you stealing our shine.

A Final Note From the Editors
Cantona and Rogers

Again, we feel it prudent to stress the nature of this newspaper, and urge our readers to take it in the manner it was intended. This is not a publication to offer a serious critique on the week's events or to unfairly target or pillory any group(s) or individual(s). The goal is to present real, world shaping events from a different, and often comedic, perspective; though we don't guarantee that we will succeed inthis endeavour. Regardless of city affiliation, rank or status no one is immune to our razor sharp wit poop and dick jokes. If you find yourself featured in The Bloody Tissue try to see it as a compliment; you made an impression and did something that changed something. Or something. If you are offended by anything we print, or would like to discuss the reasoning behind any of our stories then our doors are always open.

Again, we would like to stress that we are happy to print anything that has a decent standard of writing regardless of whether the content meets with our own approval. If you'd like to write for us, with us or about us, we'd be delighted; the venture is, ultimately, about injecting life into the Streets.

We hope you enjoy it, but we don't care if you don't. See you next week!

Must have missed you guys selling this paper this morning amongst all the really interesting and informative new auth announcements.. Really quality piece of writing here from both of you and i look forward Tissue two. 

blink laughs at his pun before giving Cantona a little tip for the paper.

Be sure to make sure Rogers gets a little of that too.

As Ace strolls by the newspaper stand a new issue of "The Bloody Tissue" catches his eye.

Great read! Looking forward to the next publication!

Ace leaves a tip for the paper, and fades away down the street.

Walking out with a flask in one hand and a movie reel in the other, Quentin Quinten, stops to enjoy a nice read of the daily news. Noticing Cantona passing hot copies, Captain Dyslexic enjoys a nice article from time to time, it seemed confusion and laughter had been on his plate for this one; a well fit suit for a man of his nature

Wow Cantona I must admit you seemed to be up on the news; I will enjoy reading more about my dyslexic life in the future I must say! Stop by my office in your next print if you wish to do an interview with me, after all, you gotta give the readers what they want!

Quentin Quinten, walks off with his new movie reel in hand for his next major production...

Would you believe he sent out a witness statement request for the shooting of a bum? Now that honestly doesn’t sound that bad does it? Nope, it certainly doesn’t, but when the shot was legit then it becomes quite idiotic. He is such a colossal ass hat that he almost dragged dear Jessie Pinkman down with him.

Don'tcha just hate a premature ejacu-mail-fail! Great read! I look forward to future issues!

Handsome, charming, and tyrannical Mr. Pickles, editor-in-chief of The Tabloid News stopped by his local newsstand to rearrange the papers putting The Tabloid News at eye level, and spotted the Bloody Tissue.  He scans it over.

"The Tabloid News is a quality publication" he reads aloud.  Seeing no reason to read any further he wanders off to commit more tyranny.

This is by far one of my favorite publications to read, can't wait until the next one!

I'm really enjoying all these papers and am happy to see people putting in the time to put out a quality read

Mad Hatter picks up his copy of the paper and begins reading while drinking his tea. He begins to chuckle loudly, while reading about his Boss  Quentin Quinten, and his Captain Dyslexic "Adventures"  .

Now I may have some photos to help that movie!

"Alpaha may her soul rest in peace, as you mentioned that you didn't  know her.

She was a hard worker , prehaps you could interview her daughter. Im sure she would love to become a feature.

She approaches a young man waving what appears to be a newspaper and purchases a copy.

Thank you sir. Now I have something to read this morning.

She finds a quiet bench in the park and starts to laugh as she reads the Bloody Tissue. By the time she's finished she has tears.

Finding the young man again she's sure to slip him a tip.

Fantastic read. Something that these Streets of ours were missing. I can't wait for the next edition... It's nice to read something that is informative and not so ... so... fluffy!

Ziva buys a copy of the Bloody Tissue with some degree of trepidation; having heard some of the editorial discussions regarding content, she is slightly wary about what she might be about to open up here. Heading into her favourite coffee shop, she orders a drink, sits down and begins to read, finding herself cracking up laughing through much of the publication.

As she makes her way back through the streets, intending to direct her crew to take a look at the fantastic work done by Cantona, she happens across the man himself on the streets.

This is brilliant, had me in stitches right the way through, I can't wait to see the next issue.

"..Streets are crying out for quality journalism.."

It would seem those cries have been answered. Well done and keep up the great work. 

One of the best papers I have read in ages. I love seeing a witty twist on the events of our world. I'll have to watch myself, for I'll surely slip up and end up the subject of one of your jokes.

Keep em coming boys!

Great read there Eric and Steve, I truely enjoyed reading that over my morning cup of tea. Up to date news but with a funny twist that makes it an enjoyable experience, which is what we need alot more of around here. Please keep this up as I would like to read more of your news stories.

And as for the Jackass of the Week, i love this addition!

Prozac finds himself walking down the streets contemplating the meaning of life when the wind gusts and a newspaper flies up and smacks him right in the face.

What in the fuck......what is this street trash bothering me?

Opening the paper and reading the titles a smile appears on Prozac's face. 

Now this is what I would call top notch reporting. I should keep this for my morning toilet reading.

Prozac folds up the paper and tucks it under his arm, pops a couple pills and carries on down the road.

"Ah, Cantona again I stumble across you and see excellent work! And you too SteveRogers! This paper had a lot of hard work put into it I can see that. A very good job at giving a over view on past events and some current ones.This is a gem and I will take this home to read again over some tea.The next issue I will be picking up right away I assure you. "