Mr. Pickles, the esteemed and venerable tyrant, the feared and merciless, the kind and compassionate, (also editor-in-chief of The Tabloid News) speaks to his loving and fearful fans.

Citizens of NWCOBLDGTDAN, ‘tis I your beloved leader!  I have another announcement to make.  The demands of being a Tyrant of NWCOBLDGTDAN is requiring a lot more office space than The Tabloid News offices can allow.  So, I am announcing my grand opening of my secret lair on the East Side of Chicago!  

The crowd gasps and rumbles of confused and questioning murmurs wave over the crowd.  One guy standing in the back (we’ll call him Cantona) says, “I don’t get it.”  Pickles overhears the confused lad and explains by holding up a map.

“You see, young man, Chicago is bordered on the West by Lake Michigan.  And, yes, I am announcing my super-secret underwater lair.    And, since I’ve just told you all, it’s not so super-secret.  But, it will be super!  Now, I know many of you have read spy novels or seen some interesting motion pictures, but I assure you, I will not be making the same mistakes the heroes have made.  The evil geniuses are the heroes, right?  Here’s how I will not make the same mistakes most glorious and tyrannical overlords make.

1) My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

2) Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

3) The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire  guarded by the Dragons of Eternity.  It will be in my safe-deposit box.

4) I will not gloat over my enemy's predicament before killing them.

5) When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

6) I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled 'Danger: Do Not Push.'

7) I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me - I'll do it myself.

8) I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.  I’m thinking somewhere near Joliet.

9) I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. 

10) One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

11) The evil spy is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 

12) I will never employ any device with a countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 147 and the evil spy is just putting his plan into operation.

13) I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. 

Now, don’t worry, I will maintain some of the proper clichés necessary.  I will, of course give all my speeches from balconies.  And of course when you walk into my office I will be sitting in an over-sized leather chair, swivel around, and with a glass of brandy in my hand (or a Brandi on my lap) I’ll say 'I’ve been expecting you.'  I will also have over-sized leather chairs in any other place I might run into company.

I think this will work out well to stay in power.  Also, I am taking applications for assistants, territorial governors, secret police agents, henchmen, spies, informants, human resources director, and a receptionist.  You won’t believe how many people are calling me!”

tony passing by hears a small puppy like man speaking something that catches his attention

if Pickles allows I will continue to listen! If Pickles allows...if Pickles allows..

tonys mind trails off as he walks into a light pole as the small puppy like man continues his tirade

JakeLuciano overhears the continuing screeching of the self-proclaimed tyrant of our world. 

"Ugh, that suit is like so last decade, ewww" he mutters to himself as he strolls by

"This is much more appropriate" he says whilst flinging a t-shirt at the delusional tyrant 

Tyrant Pickles thinks back on his speech and the things he said, fairly satisfied, until the memory of one small detail made him shudder with embarrassment.

"Damnit!  Bordered on the EAST by Lake Michigan!"

Pickles runs off ashamed of his faux pas.

Chases after Mr_Pickles with his faux pas "Away with you and your tyrannical ways"