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| The Sugar Factory - Issue Three! | Started by: Sebastian on Dec 08, '08 04:24 |
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Sugar Factory Issue: 3 The Fuck You Cupcake Issue! Sugar Factory! For....well the only news. Our dearest sister paper Tea Time has disbanded. Farewell ladies. For 13 weeks you have shone some light into all of our lives. I only hope Mane and myself can do half of what you managed to accomplish. Now as many of you may have noticed(If you haven't please get out from under your fucking rock) my dearest Co-Editor Mane has gotten his own little slice of Philly...leaving me with most of the paperwork. He is quite the self-centered-bastard but I think I have managed to put together some kind of wonderful paper this week. With thanksgiving treats to liven up the party. A story of a lost leader, our first column entry, and the last interview of a fallen Right hand man! Hope you all enjoy this feisty thanksgiving edition(Even though its a wee bit late), we even got our dearest Bitter Sweet to share one of her secret recipes. Think you got what it takes to be a writer? Prove it! Mail Birday or Mane with your name, talents and cup size and we will see if we can get you a job here at the Sugar Factory! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Where Oh Where Has the Prozac Gone? By: Staff Reporter Bitter Sweet Many have noticed the lack of Prozac in our Streets since his wedding to the now Godmother of Detroit, Marietta. Several weeks ago Ms. Marietta proposed to Prozac in front of everyone that visits the Streets of our world. Love seemed to be blossoming in the coffee shops between the two. Plans were being made and dresses were picked out. The groom and his attendants shopped for tuxedos while the bride was picking out flowers. However, after the ceremony, which the groom and his groomsmen seemed to be the only participants in, Prozac disappeared. Ms. Marietta was in a trance like state through the proceedings and to this day remains speechless about her marriage to fellow Family Head Prozac. Strange lights and noises were heard and seen around Prozac's estate in LA on the evening after the wedding. His Right Hand Man slept through the noise of course as he had been partying with Prozac, Zoloft, and Bi-Polar Bear quite heavily, trying to help Prozac over the emotional pain he was feeling after Ms. Marietta shunned their union with her silence. When the drunken associates awoke the next morning they were still suffering the effects of their "bender" the night before. Birday, Bi-Polar's Left Hand was stone cold sober as he is too young to drink, announced that Prozac was not in his bed. Panicked and distraught Birday ran around the kitchen yelling conspiracies while the hungover threesome sipped at their coffee calmly. Zoloft, with the aid of Ire holding the poor man down, sedated Birday and reminded him to take his Ritalin before he alerted Prozac's family to the disappearance of their bold and brave leader. Ire then escorted Birday back to his apartment above Bi-Polar Bear's garage and tucked him into his bed making sure that his inflatable sheep was beside him. Upon further investigation a note was found beside Prozac's tear stained pillow with the image of Ms. Marietta's face embroidered upon the sham.
Editor Update:The Pharmacy wait is finally over. Their Chief Pharmacist has returned smelling of cheap hookers and semen, who in a drunken rage has been shooting all his close friends. Much like his grandad did to Apathy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Inside Track of a Right hand man Trips to Vegas rock! We here at The Sugar Factory got an inside look at the life of a Right Hand Man when Don Doyles very own Right Hand offered to give us an interview. It was quite the interesting conversation and I'm sure everyone will have a greater respect for the life of a RHM. Sugar Factory: "Hi, thanks for giving us this little inside sneak at the life of a Right hand man. Let's start with the beginning of the day. Is their any ritual you do prior to business or do you just jump in?" Echelon: "I usually start by checking mail, and taking a peek through the HQ to see that things are going smoothly." Sugar Factory: "If things aren't going too smoothly do you act on them right away or wait to discuss this with Doyle? How much freedom would you say you have?" Echelon: "Absolute freedom - Just about any situation I have full access over" Sugar Factory: "Would you say this increases or decreases the workload? Do you ever find yourself to be stressed out? Any tricks to deal with that kind of stuff when the woes of people begin to come down?" Echelon: "It definitely increases the workload, and sometimes if the stress starts piling due to the actions of others, I'll take a deep breath and try to relax for a few minutes - A case by case basis is my modus operandi, and sometimes I just need to slow things down, but it'll never get to the point where it'll be out of hand." Sugar Factory: "Other then your normal start routine what are some other things you do over the course of a day?" Echelon: "Look through promotions, make cash runs for Doyle, blood tests, taking a walk down Vegas and listen to the new issues and topics being brought up from our community - most of the time though, I'm usually just talking to our family." Sugar Factory: "Being Don of Vegas is a big job for Doyle and it must be quite a bit for you as well. How do you manage to manage your time to get through this work load and still have time for yourself? Or does this really condense you and your family into one being?" Echelon: "Usually I spend most of my free time talking with members of the family, getting to know them better, and the general feel of our crew hands on - If you catch me on a bad day though, you'll probably find me at a poker table." Sugar Factory:"Well, thank you for the time. I'm glad you found the time to do this out of your busy schedule." Echelon: "Sure, sure. Get out." After being thrown out of a 3 story window straight into a dumpster, it's apparent that right hands are quite busy...and do not belive that the staircase makes for a quick enough exit. Shortly after this interview Echelon was gunned down outside of his Vegas home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ROURKES! The Invasion The shores have taken a turn for the scary as our shoreline has been bombarded by the Rourke clan. A band of brothers that are not realated in any way. From singing to Orphans, hunting for the long lost BOING! And having a camping adventure the Rourkes have made a major impact on todays society. Heres a quick run down of the lot: BrianRourke From Marietta: Apparently the bitch of the group. He takes orders from just about all Rourkes EddieRourke From Zoey: An ice skating champion! Fu-ManjuRourke From Zoey: Fear his Jew-Fu! JayRourke Zoey From Zoey: Bad ass mother fucker MickeyRourke From Zoey: Alchy OneTwoRourke From Marietta: FALCON PUNCH!(Enough said really) QuagmireRourke From Zoey: Keeper of the all mighty BOING! Which holds the power of 1000 midgets RourkeyRourke From Azuela: The coolest of them all ThomasRourke From Marietta: Degrassi fan WafflesRourke From JimmyTheLionHeart: Delicious.... As you can see....there are far too many Rourkes to even keep track of. But they are quite badass and I'm glad to have the aboard this crazy ride! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From Our Roving Street Reporters: Silver Tongue 'N Cheek ON LITTER Silver Tongue: Word out in all 7 cities is that our streets are being cluttered with trash, most of it laying just inches from the nearest Old Open Container (OOC). Since none of the mayors and city leaders feel the clutter is worth the taxpayer monies needed to hire street sweepers, there is no immediate answer to this situation. We trust this issue will be on the agenda at the next City Council meeting in each city. 'N Cheek: Or not! Hell, I ask you, who really gives a tinker's damn if they have to walk over the litter to get to the 7/11? Right? Just ignore it and the wind will eventually blow it out of the way. ON NEWCOMERS Silver Tongue: Nichola, the lovely little LHM with Don Doyle's crew took time out of her busy fluttering schedule earlier this week to give a speech aimed at peace, love and tolerance for all the newcomers to the cities. Her utterances were met with generally positive reviews. May it also be noted that Hi gave clear instructions to civilians a few days back and Gambino was in the streets recently out books and other helpful literature to newcomers as well. 'N Cheek Oh for the love of god, gag me! That subject is as old and worn out as Great Aunt Maggie's underwear! Nichola said the same thing that countless folks before her have shouted from the soapbox. Hi may be assuming too much if he thinks that more than a small percentage of them can read, much less know enough to give a damn. And the literature that Gambino was sending out is so out of date that it will probably just confuse them worse. Pfft! When is someone going to put some real effort into helping out the noobs by writing a new P & P manual? All everyone does is sit around talking about how a new book needs to be written but I sure as hell don't see anybody getting off their asses and doing it. ON GAMBLING Silver Tongue: There is talk of a new way to gamble your money folks! Apparently a few investor's aligned and a new racetrack has been constructed on the outskirts of one of our major cities. Upon investigation, this appears to be a well constructed gambling establishment for those with a passion for watching the ponies run. It is rumored that Heaven is the CEO but that has not been officially confirmed. 'N Cheek humpf! Passion for ponies my eye! You mean gambling addiction pure and simple. Like the slots and blackjack tables aren't enough?! They run sports betting rackets already and now horse races? How long do you think the Dons are going to let all that gambling revenue continue to exist outside of their control? The mere fact that any of them are allowed to operate now should tell you that some Don somewhere is getting his percentage. Pardon the pun, but its a sure bet that Striphe will be picking ponies if they ever let him out of rehab. ON GROWTH AND EXPANSION Silver Tongue: The reclusive rock star Hayley made her first public appearance in quite sometime this week. It was not to sing, but rather to speak in public forum on the issue of expansion. Hayley spoke of stagnation and asked from the soapbox, "Where do we go from here?" Speech analysts agree that Hayley was in fact referring to the size of the headquarters of several alleged mafioso crews in various major cities across the nation. In an immediate ensuing memo issued by the FBI it was vehemently denied by the US government that La Cosa Nostra exists and operates in this Country. 'N Cheek First of all, I won't even pretend to know what a rock star is, and furthermore I don't give a damn. But we all know that the FBI lives in a bubble and couldn't find their left butt cheek with either hand. As for the topic of expansion, those talks have been on the discussion table for a bit and the ban had been lifted before Hayley hit the soapbox. Who knows, hell, maybe that old beat up jalopy she rides in doesn't have news on its radio. Go figure. ON NEWSPAPERS IN TOWN Silver Tongue: May it be noted that the owner and publisher of this fine newspaper packed up the presses and moved the entire publishing organization to Philly. Mane, owner and Editor in Chief, gave an official statement on this move indicating his intent to expand circulation from a local to a nationwide audience base. This expansion warranted the hiring of more reporters to assist Cupcake in finding and reporting the news. That's where I, Silver Tongue, and my partner 'N Cheek come in. We have joined Mane's staff and share his vision of bringing only the latest and greatest to our fine cities. 'N Cheek Blah kiss-ass Blah! Now you see why she is called the Silver Tongue and not me? I'm afraid I'd choke on all that crap and die a horrible death with the taste of ass being my last gustation experience! Mane needed more reporters. We needed a job. That's it. End of story. Nothing glamorous or earth shaking. And we never said shit about sharing a some silly ass vision. Maybe Silver Tongue has been into the drugs again, who knows. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From the Bitter Sweet Kitchen: By: Staff Reporter Bitter Sweet Feeling that need for sugar? Have that desperate craving for chocolate? You have to check out these fantastic chocolaty treats! Feel free to add whatever you want that tickles your fancy, I find the herbal types can be a welcome change at an adult function. Rock Road Brownies: Ingredients 1-1/4 cups miniature marshmallows 1 cup HERSHEY'S SPECIAL DARK Chocolate Chips or HERSHEY'S Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips 1/2 cup chopped nuts 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter or margarine 1 cup sugar 2 eggs 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1/2 cup all-purpose flour 1/3 cup HERSHEY'S Cocoa 1/2 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon salt 1. Heat oven to 350F. Grease 9-inch square baking pan. 2. Stir together marshmallows, chocolate chips and nuts; set aside. Place butter in large microwave-safe bowl. Microwave at MEDIUM (50%) 1 to 1-1/2 minutes or until melted. Add sugar, eggs and vanilla, beating with spoon until well blended. Add flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt; blend well. Spread batter in prepared pan. 3. Bake 22 minutes. Sprinkle chocolate chip mixture over top. Continue baking 5 minutes or until marshmallows have softened and puffed slightly. Cool completely. With wet knife, cut into squares. Feeling parched or looking for something to match the deliciousness of the Rock Road Brownies? Well, here's my suggestion. Keep in mind this isn't a kid friendly concoction and to drink with care. Chocolate Orgasm Ingredients: * 1 shot Kahlua * 1 shot Cherry vodka * 2 shots chilled Espresso * 4-6 oz Chocolate milk (Hershey's) Mixing instructions: Stir. And there you have it! A sticky sweet combination to titillate your Thanksgiving Day taste buds! Happy Thanksgiving and I'll see you soon for the thanksgiving massacre wrap up edition. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is where I would put a disclaimer if I gave a rats ass if you got upset, maybe its coming. You almost reached it...oh wait. I don't. Grow the fuck up. |
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| Don't worry guys, I'll be bringing out Issue 4 soon, in case you got all scared that this is what TSF was reduced to :p | |
| Reply by: Mane at Dec 08, '08 04:31 | |
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| Nice i enjoyed reading it and i cant wait till the next one | |
| Reply by: Lil_Wayne at Dec 08, '08 05:17 | |
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| Great read | |
| Reply by: ireland_12 at Dec 08, '08 13:59 | |
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| Nice :) can't wait to see the next one | |
| Reply by: BonnieParker at Dec 08, '08 14:03 | |
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| Excellent read mate, got quite a few laughs out of this one. | |
| Reply by: Andy_Dufresne at Dec 08, '08 14:07 | |
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| Hold on to your hats guys, all is not as it seems. | |
| Reply by: Oasis at Dec 08, '08 14:14 | |
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| Something is rising from the ashes. I can see it clearly. Could it be?? no? surely not? Is it really? Oh my. I must return home and hide under my bed. This is not good. Not good at all.. | |
| Reply by: FatLucaRicci at Dec 08, '08 17:55 | |
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Damnit! VictoriaValium looks around the park quickly. She was freezing her ass off while taking Azuela's little chiwawa out for a poop break. Princess I think it's not very nice that I have to clean up your poo. The dog looked at her, cocking her tiny little head. Don't look at me like that or I'll let you play in traffic again. VV walked over to one of the trash cans and pulled out a newspaper. Something about Sugar was the title, she looked at it long enough to make sure it would pick up all the poo. It did the job well and VictoriaValium barked at the little dog to get her moving again. Mush mush! |
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| Reply by: VictoriaValium at Dec 08, '08 21:07 | |
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Don't worry Victoria, the days of substandard journalism are rumoured to be numbered. Keep your eyes on the horizon. |
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| Reply by: Oasis at Dec 08, '08 22:24 | |
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| Then, out of nowhere, VictoriaValium heard a godly voice behind her. She turned and saw a man, in white, with a light shining about him. He was stunning. His voice spoke wise words and she looked towards the horizon for a better and brighter future. | |
| Reply by: VictoriaValium at Dec 08, '08 22:48 | |
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