He/She walks to the podium, rather confused on this day. Not because he/she left his/her undergarments at the kind fellows house, but mainly what happened there. You see UD has always been lackluster at finding love. He/She doesn't know why this could be. Maybe because he/she doesn't care for popcorn or maybe romantic walks on the beach? If only there was something that he/she could figure out. So he/she decided to come to the streets for assistance. 

"Lovely people of whatever city you may reside in. I have come to you all today because of a dilemma. Granted the creepy voice from wherever it came from described the majority of it. I want to take it a step further. I have been confused as of late. You see, I have been having issues in, well, let's say the dating area. Things start off well with whatever gender I decided to take out. -Sally- pushed me to the curb when I offered a bit of tie down action. Although she was all for it, it wasn't until I took off my clothes did she decide to freak out. Why? I think I look rather smashing. Anyhow it hasn't stopped there. 

Condemned took me out on a wonderful date. He showed me great sites in the windy city. We had lunch in the afternoon, and in a wonderful turn of events he asked me out to dinner that night. It wasn't until we arrived at a park when I jumped up on the monkey bars as he stood under me to ensure I didn't fall did it all go wrong. The wind blew my dress and off he went. Not a word said. The man just disappeared. I have attempted to contact him on multiple occasions since the incident and nothing. Not a word. I really liked the guy too. 

The_Marine wanted to know my deepest desires. I wouldn't share them and now he has gone awol. Why is this? 

Sexecutioner I thought would pan out rather well. After all I love a bit of pain and misery when it comes to the sack. Yet still I have not been able to round third base if you know what I mean. I thought I had a chance. He explained that he liked the out of the ordinary antics, and with his reputation of amazing sex acts I figured this would most likely be the time. So I set up in a hotel room, brought a monkey and a midget. The more the merrier no? Finally a knock at the door, I opened with a smile. He took one look in the room, caught the monkey dry humping the table lamp and he himself slammed the door. Sex god my ass. 

Giles_Reynolds even flipped me off and we all know how lovely of a man he is. 

Lush hit me with a hammer, Gohan was Gohan, TokyoZombi flung poo in my face, JewishJake blamed it on religion, Dexter just wanted to eat my flesh, Husky peed on my doorstep, BillyBoneburg hid his bone, Pizza_guy didn't share his pizza, instead asked if I would like a Stromboli and hit me in the face with it.

What am I doing wrong people?

So I say this. I am a man/woman with needs. If you yall can't dig it, then I apologize.

What are your desires? You know you have them and who know's maybe you will get a lucky night with me! If your man/girl enough."

UD stepped off the podium and did a back flip before stepping into the local bakery. 

Frosty glances over too Shadow, "Umm what the fuck just happened?"

In regards to your "Sex god my ass" remark, how dare you. I slammed the door shut because upon arrival I was under the impression you were going to bring something original to the table. How many monkey/dwarf/trans-gender foursomes is a fellow supposed to have in one day?

Demonstrate steps forward...

"I desire the opportunity to hang a white flag from the roof top of iocaste's home so that more people instinctively know he's French... but sadly I can't seem to get past the guard lion. I also desire for Alucard to stop having sexual desires because the noises that come from his office when women come over scare the hell out of me."

Demonstrate then backs away as slowly and awkwardly as possible.

Dexter was staring UD up and down smiling an odd smile not seen on him before.

Now UD I would love to eat your flesh but that would be such a fine waste of flesh you see as much as I would like to make a trophy out of you and oh what a trophy it would be I would much rather wine dine and take you out for a good time it would be such a waste of a fine specimen to see you just get dumped or eaten you deserved to be treaten right.

So if you would like to take me up on my offer just let me know.

Dexter slid UD a piece of paper with his number

Just promise me you will keep what happens off the streets and behind closed doors.

Pizza hearing crazy things being shouted ran into the streets from his hotel room and heard UD mention Pizza's name followed by some awful statements.

UD that was not a date. You ordered a Stromboli which I do not usually make in the first place. Then you tried to steal the Tromboli and the pizza I had in my bag, so I threw the Tromboli at your face to get away from you.

How many monkey/dwarf/trans-gender foursomes is a fellow supposed to have in one day?

If that's the case how can you get so lucky and poor me is left in the cold?

I shall work harder next time. 

 You ordered a Stromboli which I do not usually make in the first place.

Well you should, they are scrumptious.  

Just promise me you will keep what happens off the streets and behind closed doors.

And keep the excitement of such events bottled up and all to myself? HOW SATISFYING IS THAT!?

I also desire for Alucard to stop having sexual desires because the noises that come from his office

Maybe I should drop him a line. Sounds like I might just get lucky after all! 

So I say this. I am a man/woman with needs.

Simultaneously?

Stan smiles and turns to UD

UD your going about it all wrong if you need your needs filled, All you need is a chair leg a pound of butter and dial 555-Mcluvin and your good to go.

Stan looks over his shoulder and see's Mcluvin enter the street he quickly bows his head at UD and runs down an allyway