Oh

My

Fucking

God

How

I

Love

Me

Some

Wiggle

"Don't be alarmed my friends. I love me too. How can you not enjoy a bit of wiggle action from time to time? Whether it be your cat twerking to the latest Sinatra jam, or Whippie's bootay as she carries groceries home from the local mart, you need a little wiggle in your life. So I shall give it too you."

Taking a "I love wiggle" sign out of his sack, he places it on a stand on the right of the podium as he continues his speech

"No, I have not called you all here today to just talk about me. Granted I'm pretty fucking awesome from time to time, but I really have things to talk about. Whether they are important or not, that is strictly your opinion. So where shall I begin?"

Looking to the ground, he gets an idea and looks back at the crowd. 

"Ok got one. How about this. I have always been a fan of the streets, those who know me know I have been itching to make a return worse then Primus after contracting something from his lone getaways at night with companionship. It may be different companionship every night, but companionship none-the-less. You dirty whore. Now my first presence was rather hokie pokie. I was drunk and it showed. Rather upsetting to say the least. Granted it was sloppy and down right confusing but the point was actually there somewhere if you can listen through all the nonsense. Let's talk about repetition and chaos. My grandfather has made similar rants in the streets about such as well, and it was rather intriguing. However, these are new days, we have evolved and it makes for a rather interesting social topic in my opinion. Let me quote something that came from his speech in the past and I will move on with my own."

In the words of the late RichardWad

"Recently I have been plagued to be on the downside of ramblings amongst the community. Yes, I hear a lot, and I speak to a lot of people. I think I have a pretty good grip on the mood of things just by my general discussion probably 80% of the time. Like a good friend of mine said once, "My shit always works sometimes!"

"With that being said, by the feelings and emotions I'm receiving from others, I'm judging that the mood amongst everyone is rather, not frustrated at how things are handled, but more along the lines of boredom. Mafioso's stating they no longer find the interest in snatching some purses, jacking some seven elevens, or even making spontaneous love on park benches donning only a newspaper as cover. What has happened to the community?"

Dick hit's the blunt

"Absolutely nothing. Whenever stability is accomplished, day to day activities become routine and in turn become more of a habit then an enjoyment. However when there is chaos, there is the excitement of the unknown. The mystery of, "What will happen next?" on a daily basis. Yes it makes it more exciting, but in a certain aspect, because really excitement is what you make of it. Now don't get me wrong, I like the feel of cold hard steel warming in my hands as I pull the trigger just as much as the next guy. Yes at times I think things get slow, yes at times I wanna go jump off a bridge naked after having sex in a freezer at the JackWagon's slaughter house (Like to beat? We supply the meat!), but those are the times that make or break you. You must think outside the box, be inventive. If your sex life is struggling, try new things like introducing a midget or even Priscilla. Anything to get that spark going again, because you would never want to have a bad sex life right?"

"I was reading through the transcripts of the speech and it really got me interested. See days have changed, there is no longer an on going stalemate. Streets are more perky then Crays breast and we are all living an exciting life. Take downs left n' right, speeches of "OMGZORS I HAZ LOGZ" and daily sexual activity coming from iocaste's headquarters. How could life be any better? I mean really, we have so much to do now. We can pew pew durdens when they get bored enough to leave Delaware. Horrible city I may add. I visited once and I was molested by three nuns and a field mouse. Don't ask how, just understand it did happen. Remy was a witness. Yet still to this day I run into Mafioso's complaining of boredom or repetition. Seriously? With this being known as a cold hard fact, maybe not as hard as Sexecutioner at a produce market, it leaves me with only one thought. Nothing will ever be good enough for some. It doesn't matter if they are offered sexual favors on a daily basis by WhereIsThatFucker or whatever his name may be, or whether they are given free reign to pew pew trick or treaters who were annoyingly asking for more sweets. People will always find something to complain about. So my friends and pretties have no fear. For the wiggle is here."

The man reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a piece of paper

"Here in my beautiful, soft, thick, massive, delightful hand I have a list of idea's to keep you rather occupied. Before the chaos takes control and makes you do something you'd regret, like waking up next too Absolute in the morning. Hopefully this will calm the masses and really bring joy back to their life. Much like the joy Corky brings me on a nightly basis. Really you can ask her. No really IT'S TRUE!"

Wiggle Bottoms Tip Jar

Instead of robbing gas stations, try a strip club instead. - Not only do you walk out with money but you can see naked dudes. I mean chicks. 

Offer to take on RandomWrestler in a wrestling match. Nude and covered in jelly. He likes that shit. 

Change your Organized Crimes around. It's one thing to commit a trick heist, but to pull up in front of a soup kitchen and open the van doors just to see the look on the faces of those assisting you is rather priceless. 

Offer The_Marine a dollar and watch all the crazy shit he does with his butt cheeks. It's rather interesting to say the least. 

Play chicken with, well a chicken. Don't just take my word for it. Try it, see what happens. 

Steal cino's undergarments. 

Ask -mario- where Luigi is, then when he is thinking, smack him in the face with a mushroom to see if he grows. 

Ask Kourtney out on a date. Nevermind, refrain from that. The last man who made that attempt was found under a bridge with a bouquet of tulips up his ass. 

WIGGLE LIKE ME!

 

"So you see there is plenty of things you can do to keep you occupied and help keep the chaos at bay."

Smiling he wiggle's and presses on

"Remember my friends, life is what you make it. I try and make it my own. Try to find ways to keep me happy and chaos free. Much like this speech. For instance, many are going to be confused, baffled and downright turned on sexually. Yet, I'm doing it anyways regardless of how many animals I may put in jeopardy in the process. It's what makes me happy and it should be motivation to some that if I can come up with a crazy ass topic that is somewhat relevant and interesting to listen too then so can you. If someone doesn't like it you can simply point them to another speech. Being complacent about what you want in this life get's you no where. You have to want to achieve something. Even if it's just to create a little commotion doing so. People always ask how I come up with such weird ass shit, well it's because I'm a weird ass person. Should I be afraid to show it? Naw, it makes life that much more interesting and less boring. It keeps my inner chaos in check and all the ladies knocking at my door. Boredom is only a side affect of being complacent. There is obviously some reason you are here, there is something that draws you too it. So why complain? Do you boo boo and prosper. Otherwise, your just going to drive yourself into depression and eventually depart. I'm sure that's not what drew you here now is it? Only you can control your future so go out there and make something of yourselves."

Once he realized he brutally confused most and that his goal was reached, with a twitch of the bum he departs back to his Muffin House. Because Muffins are fucking delicious. 

Fydora puts a little "Wiggle" into her twirl before tipping her hat to Wigglebutt and twirling back off to the night to continue trying to make a bit more money. She always did love a good laugh and why not make the boys drool once in awhile.

Wiggle watches Fydora put some wiggle in her step. 

"Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they like, "it's better then yall's!" Mmm speaking of which that makes me thirsty as hell. I wonder if I have anything left to drink at my Muffin House."