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| To Santa, with lots of love, from Awesome | Started by: Awesome on Dec 17, '08 17:03 |
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Imagine that it were snowing. And that children were laughing and playing. And that lovely Christmas music played out from a magnificent record player. Because none of these were happening. It never snowed. It was always too warm. Just lots of rain. Yuck. And children laughing and playing? Yeah, right. If children were around, Awesome would no doubt have shot them in the face already. Or invited them in for something hot to drink and set them on fire. So, no. There were no children laughing and playing. But Christmas music was. Albeit on a really cheap and poor record player. Awesome liked Christmas music. In fact, it's the only thing he liked about Christmas. But he had something special in mind come December 25th. Oh, yes, he did. Awesome was writing. He was writing a letter. To Santa. He considered himself to have been a good boy this year, and so deserving of presents. Not like before. All he'd ever gotten was lumps of coal. He had always wondered why lumps of coal are given to bad children. It seemed rather stupid. "Hey, I know, let's give the boy who likes to bully other children lots and lots of hard objects with which to throw at all the nice boys and girls who are playing with brand new toys in front of him". Yeah, I know. Really stupid. It's just feeding the fire. Oh, hey, would you look at that! A pun! Because it's a metaphor to imply that you're aiding and abetting his bullying, whilst at the same time noting that coal is used to create and maintain fires. That was so totally intended and stuff. 'Twas, honest! Dear Santa, I've been a good boy this year. I haven't shot anybody in the face who didn't deserve it, and I haven't set fire to any children who weren't making lots of nice. So, I think I deserve some presents this year. Not coal. Real presents. And so this is a list of things I want: - A bicycle - A magic wand - A box of matches - A midget - A shotgun - A small Hindi child (so he or she will reincarnate) Thank you very much. I will leave you a glass of milk and a mince pie. And some carrots for Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. They are such hard workers, me thinks. Awesome reread the letter and was well pleased. He folded it up and inserted it into an envelope. He wrote "SANTA, NORTH POLE" on the front, and left it on the desk. He'll post it the following day. For now, he decided to go to sleep and dream of shooting people in the face who didn't deserve it and of setting fire to children who weren't make lots of noise. |
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Rourkey slipped into Awesome's room and noticed a letter on the desk addressed simply to "SANTA, NORTH POLE." Rourkey opened up the letter and read its contents slowly. He thought to himself "Self, this Awesome doesn't deserve any of these presents.....Santa Rourkey is going to come into play here for a second." Rourkey exited quietly and returned to his desk to write a letter in return. Rourkey began writing. He was writing a letter. To Awesome. Rourkey knew Awesome was not a very good boy this year and deserved nothing more than a swift kick in the gonads. He knew this would be the perfect opportunity to give Awesome some coal, much like the past years. Rourkey twirled his mustache ominously and began to write. Dear Awesome, You have been a failure to life this year. You have mocked my existence and have contributed nothing to your family. You have ashamed myself, my brother the Easter Bunny, my sister The Great Pumpkin, and the New Year's Baby thinks you are what he calls a "no name C." You will be receiving the following presents: - Reindeer dung - Coal - Signed picture of Camazotz - Coal - Goat testicles - Coal - And finally coal You are very welcome for these presents and I hope you are better next year. Regards, Santa PS The reindeer hate your guts and would love to see you tied up under the sled. Rourkey placed the letter inside a holiday envelope and sealed it with a kiss. He wrote "AWESOME, MICKEYROURKE'S HQ" on the front and returned to Awesome's room. While Awesome was still asleep, he left it on the desk. Rourkey then placed Awesome's hand in warm water and watched him piss himself. Rourkey left, chuckling to himself the entire way. |
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| Reply by: RourkeyRourke at Dec 17, '08 17:11 | |
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Awesome awoke in the morning feeling refreshed and renewed. He climbed out of bed, stretched his arms, and yawned. Still slightly dazed, he threw his quilt to the floor and removed the sheet from the bed, as he is habitually to do, and walked over to his kitchen sink. He turned the taps on, and after filling the tub, put in it his sheet and left it to soak. And in case you didn't quite understand what was being said here, I will repeat it more clearly: Awesome wets the bed every night. Better? Good. "Ah. What a beautiful day today will be. Lots of shooting people in the face and setting children on fire, I hope." Awesome paused. "But, only if they deserve it or are noisy, of course." Phew. 'Twas close there. He went over to his desk and sat down. Because he prefers to sit than stand. He notices something unusual. Where once there was a letter addressed to "SANTA, NORTH POLE", there was now a letter addressed to "AWESOME, MICKEYROURKE'S HQ". "That's odd. This isn't MickeyRourke's HQ. And where did my letter to Santa go?" Confused, he opened his new letter. And read. And reread. And then he started to cry. Not big sobs, mind. Just tears. He wasn't a pansy, after all. Then his resolve hardened. "That's it. The final straw. Santa, you're going down. I will wait for you come Christmas day. And I shall shoot you in the face. And then I will set your reindeer on fire. Oh, yes. And I will steal all the presents you were to give to the children of the world. And I will do it with a smile on my face and some kind of shooting thing in my hand. And an orange in the other. Because violence is hungering work." |
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| Reply by: Awesome at Dec 17, '08 17:44 | |
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Dear Santa This is what i want for Christmas ... ~ A Gun ~ Some Bullets ~ Marietta ~ Some Money and thats about it so if i dont get them Santa them be prepared cause ill get my GRANNY buddies on you :D Regards Dk |
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| Reply by: DeathKnight at Dec 17, '08 19:04 | |
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