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| The Bloody Tissue, Issue I | Started by: KingOfOnePercent on Dec 17, '08 19:36 |
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A Letter from the Editors Have you ever read the books about Mary Poppins? The tale goes that she arrives when she is needed, and departs when her work is done. Here at The Bloody Tissue, we see ourselves in the same light. Whenever the community is floundering and in need of direction, the legendary and enigmatic Editors of this prestigious newspaper are returned to the community, there to remain until their work has been fulfilled. In the times of Anita, The Editors brought vision and hope in an era full of darkness and woe. In the days of Iris when boredom was rife, the mysterious Editors once again walked among you, showing a path of joy and wonderment. And now, in the reign of Marietta, The Editors have not forsaken you, the have returned to you once more. In a time where the Tea Time has turned it's back on the community, and where the only newspaper in print, The Sugar Factory, is not fit to wipe your buttocks on; The Bloody Tissue will pull through for you. As ever, we are the voice of the disillusioned and the unheard. We are the tool of the community, to be wielded as you wish. Send us absolutely anything that is in compliance with the rules laid down by City Hall, and we shall print it. Love, The Editors. The Bloody Tissue: The Community Paper. Basically, we are sick of seeing people call out for the defunct Tribune to be brought back. It was shit then and it will be shit now with the editor giving up after 3 weeks due to stress and all other soft arse reasons because basically, no-one gives a shit. So, here at the Tissue we will make this nice and easy for everyone. Pay us and we will do this weekly. Remember, we have written this paper many times before and probably will many times again. The difference being is that we did it all off our own backs. We had to drum up support for the stories and at some points write every single one ourselves. We can do that again, it really isn't a problem. If members of the community wish to share their views with you, that is fine. Like we have always said, we will publish anything about anything and you need not supply a name to go with it. How hard can it be, really? If we were supported by the Crewleaders with the thing that we hold dearest (not each other, money ) then we will happily do this weekly. We obviously hope to see contributions from Chicago considering how eagerly the Don wants a community paper.It would actually probably be better than it has ever been as we actually have some motivation and expectation. If you decide that you don't want this to happen then you can continue reading the sugar mill and having accidents when you fall asleep. Last issue, 3 houses were burnt to the floor with their occupants still inside fast asleep. All were found with burnt copies of the candy store nearby. The choice is yours. We don't really care but you know you'd love it really. Frijj Don Marmite For those of you unfamiliar with Marmite, it is a foodstuff whose tagline is "Love it or Hate it." It seems we can apply this very phrase to one of the Dons of our fair city. Hayley. Whilst a number of people seem to be literally frothing at the mouth in their vehement defence of her, others seem to be equally committed in tearing her down. Interestingly though, it isn't her own actions that are being questioned - it is the actions of members of her upper structure. Recently, City Hall official Squishy was working deep undercover in Hayley's crew before he became utterly enraged with Left Hand Man Asylum's conduct, felling him with a shot that this one Percenter would've been proud of. In a rare loss of composure, Squishy only just stopped short of damning Hayley and her comrades entirely, claiming in his entire time in the crew, he was spoken to only three times and treated like a child. The voice of Squishy, one of the most influential people of our 7 cities, seemed to be enough to sow the seeds of doubt in a lot of people's minds, but the conduct of Absolut's bloodline after the shot seemed to have people seriously questioning Hayley's choice of inner circle members. This storm had only just been weathered, however, when another incident reared it's ugly head. Our inside informant in Chicago informed us that on Dec 15th, at 07:11, Left Hand Man Kurt_Cobain sent a questionable mail out to the members of Fallen Angels. With our unrivalled investigative journalism, we at the Bloody Tissue have managed to get our hands on this mail:
It is assumed, but not confirmed, that Hayley was behind this and that her Left Hand Man did not decide on this erratic path of his own accord. The mail itself presents two possibilities, neither of them particularly reassuring for those who call Chicago home. The first possibility, the one many of you could jump immediately to, is that Hayley was indeed planning some presumably suicidal war on Detroit, and she was naive and foolish enough to alert her entire family to the fact. This, obviously, is an extremely alarming thought. I have no problems with green Leaders who are experiencing things for the first time, but surely it's only common sense to surround yourself with old, experienced heads if you're in this situation. This is a moot point for me though, I believe this mail was some sort of loyalty test. A deliberate trap for the disloyal members to fall into, passing the knowledge into other hands. In my opinion, this sort of deceitful and underhanded behaviour may be classic Mafia, but it is no way to treat your own family. If the whispers on irc avenue are to be believed, many of the old folks in Hayley's family are beyond insulted at this total lack of respect they are being offered, and I too feel it is a travesty that a Leader would not let their members prove themselves by way of hard work and dedication; rather hoping to ensnare the people they depend on in a foul trap. As Squishy has pointed out, though, it would not be the first time the upper structure of this family has shat on their members from a great height. Incidentally, Left Hand Man of Fallen Angels was today seen at a funeral home spitting on Rodge_3's face and pissing on his grave. I'll let you decide whether that is becoming conduct for a figurehead. KingOfOnePercent. P.S. Full story on the grave pissing incident below! HURRAH! We have a Godfather again! Marietta you have earnt your rank. You have worked hard, survived the 'great' war and led your family with great skill. Not only that but you have introduced many great initiatives to our streets. The protection list when families were few and far between, the chance to have two families in every city again and obviously your inspired choices among those 14. Here is to you Marietta. You're a shining ray of light for our world. You watch the old paper cutting float by your ankles and off into the distance. I can assure you that the paper is as old as it looks because everything is quiet on the Detroit front recently. Whisper it quietly but perhaps Marietta has given up? She has her GF rank so now she just wants to grow old with her likkle friends? Super. Top of the pile so you can give up. Remember that kids. This is your role model here. We have had 3 Godfathers in our time. Anita, Marietta and Scotland. I will try my best to break down how I rate these people from the day they achieved Godfather.. Scotland. Scotland achieved Godfather slightly after Anita. She had worked hard to make it past Don and survived many wars. She had her long time Right Hand Secret Agent step into the breach and continue the things she had started. She worked closely with him and they continued their work of educating the new ones to these shores. The Chosen shall never be forgotten. Anita. She worked hard when she stepped off the boat here. Targets were plentiful and she self taught herself the best ways of killing helpless bums. Sometimes they fought back but she found she had a strong knack of getting out of trouble. People always missed. This would help her in future times. She finally got a chance to run a family and she jumped at it. Going into the fray with her long time associate FlyingPig. They swept away all those before them and slowly but surely decimated anyone who stood in their way. She Made Godfather and handed the reins over to FlyingPig. However, her work did not stop there. FUCK NO! she was the first Mafia Godfather and she was damn well taking advantage. She brought in new rules such as a charge to visit her home city. A city she held with a iron grip. She demanded loyalties off every person to enter the city even those who had paid to enter. She also rebuffed many attempts to take her life. Her long time FP brought the crew back to her whenever they were needed and having them protected her always. They remained loyal to her for as long as she lived. This loyalty was well rewarded as she continued to find new talent (and old revitalised) to lead families of their own and learn the ways of our world. Sadly, or happily depending your view point, her reign was ended during the time of the great blackout that lasted for nearly 4 weeks in which time no-one but those in Europe survived. And Marietta. She had auth'd her long time RH Zoey. Someone she obviously trusted to carry on where she left off (She didn't) and someone she thought would allow her to idle along doing nothing. Sadly for her this is not the case. So I ask the question many have been asking in private. Where art though Marietta? when are you going to show us you're worthy of the rank of Godfather? Because one thing is for sure. You have a long way to go before you can even claim to be level with Scotland, yet alone Anita. Anonymous Rodge. Today a very embarrassing situation arose for Hayley (Yes, again). Her Left Hand man, Kurt_Cobain invited a Civilian by the name of Rodge_3. Rodge_3 then proceeded to walk into their HQ and made a bee line for the message board where he memorized all the information pinned to it. He then walked straight back out and into the streets. Rodge then informed everyone what is written upon the message board and stood back, looking very happy with himself. RichardKuklinksi then came out into the streets, demanding we BAN this man. We have absolutely no idea what he was on about but he looked pretty irate and needed to be restrained. Not only that but he then proceeded to have an argument with a God in the coffee shops over the matter where he openly called him out over words the God had not spoken. His love for caffeine has permanently been stopped. However, back to the man to cause the fuss. Upon finishing his speech, Rodge took a walk. He had a right spring in his step and was happily walking down the road thinking he was the bees knees. Happy to have injected a bit of disloyalty and breakage of omerta he whistled a tune and thought how lovely life was. That is until the world went dark and two out of town hit men put him with the fishes in line with orders from the city hall. After his body was recovered and prepared for burial it gave Hayley's LH the chance to have his final say. He walked into the funeral home and spat upon his face. A few hours later, having not yet used enough bodily fluid on this man, he then decided to 'piss' all over his freshly dug grave. Good example given there by the Left Hand of a major family. So I ask, If Kurt feels so betrayed why exactly was Rodge, who's father had said his family line was leaving this world, invited into his family? Did he do enough digging into Rodge's history? Did he try hard enough to discover his true intentions? Was he just handing out invites to anyone who mailed no matter what was said? I really do worry. How hard is it to get a invite from Hayley? One thing is obvious. He made a big mistake and then made it even worse by his actions at the funeral. He has just made Hayley's day, indeed week, far far worse. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Cocks. Demise of the Fat Twats. This week saw the death of Gambino, who was allegedly good at poetry but absolutely fuck all else, and her LV based outfit "Twatti Grassi." In a move that will surely go down as one of the most boneheaded, blundering, idiotic, ridiculously cretinous in the history of our thing, they managed to achieve something which most thought would be beyond the realms of possibility. Despite initiating the war, they managed to not only miss every single first round shot, but to sustain the first two casualties of the war. Nice work guys. In my bloodlines time here, I have seen wars organised by Seyarah, Alessia and Doyle, all leaders famed and remembered for their tactical incompetence, yet I can honestly say in all these years, I have never seen a war planned that matched the levels of ineptitude demonstrated by the Fat Twats this week. Whilst I may seem a melodramatic about this, I honestly find this absolute atrocity an insult. An insult to myself and countless others who devote themselves to what is an art form, the pursuit of perfection; only to have some mindless idiots cheapen it. This, of course, is not the big issue. One must wonder why the Twatti Grassi committed themselves to a hope so utterly without cause. Did they not realise they had no hope of winning? Did they not fully comprehend their inferiority and incompetence? It must be one of these things because as far as I'm concerned, the excuses "We won't take it lying down" and "They were going to attack us" are not suitable justifications for wasting the lives of hundreds of good mobsters. Because make no bones about it, that's what the end result was. A ridiculous, suicidal attempt akin to lemmings jumping off a cliff. However, I'm not just here to rant about things for no purpose. With my wealth of experience and knowledge, I have devised a handy plan should you ever find yourselves in such a situation as the Fat Twats did this week. By following this helpful guide, you will not succumb to paranoia, idiocy and amateurish mistakes. 1. You have been tipped off that someone is going to war you. Have you checked the veracity of this rumour yet? If no, check now. If yes, please continue. 2. Is this rumour true? If yes, continue. If no, stop here and do not give in to paranoia. 3. The rumour is true, You must attempt a pre emptive strike to defend yourself. Have you organised a definite plan of attack that isn't totally shit? If yes, stop here and stick to your plan, if no, read on for some handy tips! 4. Do you plan to let all your hitters go bold, displaying who your hitmen are and weakening their skills in one fell swoop? If yes, you need a slap around the chops you silly imbecile. If no, read on. 5. Are you positive your hitmen will be able to wreak any damage at all on your foes? If no, best not try to war anything as you and your family are useless cunts. If yes, you may continue with your war. 6. The war is underway, and some of the opposition are taunting you on irc avenue. Do you fall for the oldest trick in the book and respond, letting them waste your time? If yes, do the decent thing and shoot yourself in the face. If no, you have half a chance of winning. 7. Battle is raging on, but lets revert back to point one. Was there any real rumours to begin with? Are you sure this is not paranoia or thirst for power? If yes, you can sleep safe knowing you have led all of your members to death for a noble and just cause. If no, why not have just come clean and said it and spared us all the bullshit? KingOfOnePercent. Out and about. The Little stories not worthy of an article. El_Nino is a slanty suit whore. He just loves it. He jumps from crew to crew demanding slantyness or he will get his super duper friends to kill the leader. They usually relent. Hence his current position with Guardian and Zoey being dead. Sadface. T-Rex eats a shark and no-one really gives a shit. If it was anyone else the world would have probably stopped. As it was, everyone just carried on. Our Godfather Marietta was seen in the street. Twice. Giving important information to the masses. She also used OOC avenue to call you all tards. She has been very angry this week but the increase in presence has been felt. Slightly. There was a huge fire at The Bloody Tissue offices. We had a issue of Sweet Productions delivered to the offices and left our noodles cooking on the cooker. We awoke to flames jumping everywhere. We think this was a act of sabotage. In the streets this week, Sticks1988 was called out for a 'debate'. The Bloody Tissue would like to publicly declare RourkeyRourke the winner. This makes Sticks1988 a tard as no-one loses to this Rourke. Various Do you need tucking in? The time has come to say "Goodnight", to say "Goodnight" 'till the morning light. That's it for this issue, dear readers. We hoped you enjoyed this week's foray into the world of judgement, insults and at times, comic prowess. If you didn't enjoy it, we'll come and rob yer nan's pension. As we are lazy bastards who will be taking an extended break over the Holidays, we would like to issue a heartfelt Merry Christmas to the community, excluding Acute who is a big fatty. As ever, we encourage absolutely anyone to send articles our way; we will print anything, regardless of opinion. Love, The Editors. |
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Kuklinski picks up the paper and begins to read and shakes his head with a smile and looks over at another guy standing beside him reading it. I must say most of these allegations against me is true. I did say ban my other term for get ride of him in these street's. I did have some word's with a god. I called him a jackass after he called me and my family dumbass's. Was I wrong. In my mind I don't think so. Would you let me or anyone else for that matter call any of you guy's family dumbass's im sure you would take that pretty offensive yourself. I am hot tempered and talk faster than I think. I hope i'm not banned forever from these coffee shop's. I do enjoy my time there and some great chat's that are held there. I just lost my temper when my family was referred to as dumbass' The letter about my family I do not know if this is true. I can tell you one thing. I don't believe it is. I have had several talk's with this guy since i've been in the family and I have never seen him speak that clearly before. I mean there was no mess up's or nothing. Not talking bad about him and if he feel's I am I hope I am punished for it. But the guy alway's misspells or leave's out a word. That was written to well to be him. |
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| Reply by: RichardKuklinski at Dec 17, '08 19:56 | |
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Wait a minute Richard, are you claiming that the printed letter, which is full of grammar and punctuation errors, is actually of a too high quality to be written by Mr. Cobain? Gets out his notepad |
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| Reply by: KingOfOnePercent at Dec 17, '08 19:58 | |
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Awesome reads the paper and shakes his head. Not one word. Not a single word. Why was I not mentioned? Why? ... But I did like the bit about shooting people in the face. 'Twas a real good laugh. Awesome steals ideas from the paper in preparation for the Awesome AMPMAG People's paper. It will come. And it will rule. And we will outbusiness the Bloody Tissue. And we will do so with amesomosity. |
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| Reply by: Awesome at Dec 17, '08 20:01 | |
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| In my personal opinion yes. I have several letter's sent from him to me and none of them that I think. Equal up to that good of quality. Now like I said. I hope my family nor Mr.Cobain takes this the wrong way and if they do i'm willing to die or take any punishment they see necessary for my actions. | |
| Reply by: RichardKuklinski at Dec 17, '08 20:02 | |
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Though I may not agree with everyone I've read, this is exceptionally well done. To be honest, reading something with actual vitriol is quite refreshing and something that, properly executed, can only benefit our streets. Again, excellent work and I look forward to the next edition. |
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| Reply by: MacLeod at Dec 17, '08 20:23 | |
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| What utter shit, bring back sugar factory! | |
| Reply by: Im_Here_For_Bloody at Dec 17, '08 20:36 | |
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| I can't agree with you more, Bloody. With the rapidly approaching economic crisis, we are sure to face a shortage of toilet paper. | |
| Reply by: KingOfOnePercent at Dec 17, '08 20:38 | |
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| Now you people see why Communism is so important! | |
| Reply by: Communist_Cav at Dec 17, '08 20:42 | |
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| I certainly do, Comrade. | |
| Reply by: KingOfOnePercent at Dec 17, '08 20:51 | |
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I agree. Having stuff is terrible. High fives. Shit, now I have to high five everybody. I'll be back in a week to discuss the paper. |
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| Reply by: Rudiger at Dec 17, '08 20:59 | |
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| An excellent read as always. I love your objective opinions and viewing things from all sides. I cannot wait to read more, keep up the sexy work guys and keep bringing more excitement to these streets! | |
| Reply by: Sherminator at Dec 18, '08 10:26 | |
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HeIIo frowns, attempting to read this "tissue" through someone's well placed skid mark. Taking a closer look, he notices that the shit is actually the text and decides that he'd much rather see a production of Sugar Factory, on the par of Issues 1 and 2. It's ok, I'm sure Cupcake will return to us to enlighten us with his talents soon enough. Sugar or blood, your choice. |
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| Reply by: HeIIo at Dec 18, '08 10:46 | |
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| Remind me...was the Sugar Factory the sycophantic paper with Editors that had no staying power whatsoever? | |
| Reply by: KingOfOnePercent at Dec 18, '08 11:02 | |
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KingOfOnePercent, To answer your question: the Sugar Factory was that lovely little shoppe down on 16th Street that used to sell all kinds of sweets before BrianRourke ate the entire place out of business. |
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| Reply by: RourkeyRourke at Dec 18, '08 11:17 | |
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Well, I put blood before sugar usually. In a mafia sense. As for the Sugar Factory? It has been banned. To dangerous to hand out. It causes too many accidents. I am sure cupcake will return to try and prove me wrong. He will fail miserably as he is too scared of having his Bodyguards shot to death again. He also does not have the balls to take us on and win. He will fail as Tea Time did before him. You might think we're shit but others actually like the way we don't sit on the fence. Good day. |
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| Reply by: Frijj at Dec 18, '08 12:35 | |
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Ah, Seyarah reference. Those were the days of incompetence. I believe I've already said more then I'm comfortable with. |
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| Reply by: Mr_MFer at Dec 18, '08 17:32 | |
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