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| The Sugar Factory - Issue Four | Started by: HeIIo on Dec 18, '08 12:33 |
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The Sugar Factory! Issue Four: Technically Issue three because Candyfloss sucks. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with T. Any takers? Toilet? Wrong. Twats? Wrong. On the right lines though, it was in fact a Tissue! A bloody one at that. So I see your tissue, and I raise you a Factory. Only, you can't take my factory because it's too pretty. In your face. So here it is ladies and gentlemen, the (apparently) FOURTH edition of The Sugar Factory! We not only spread real opinions, but we spread false opinions, false information and mix in a bit of randomness that I wanted to put in. All in all, that makes for one sweet tasting newspaper. "Amirite?" Interested in writing for The Sugar Factory? Mail HeIIo to show your interest and why you think you'd be a good addition to our slacking staff. CV, previous experience and literacy skills not required. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Slaughter in Philly and New Orleans - Reporter: Cupcake. Detroit wars! And so it began, Detroit decided to war Mane in Philadelphia for multiple reasons, most of which have actually been shown to be false reasons. Bear with me for a second while I inform you all of what actually happened in comparison to Marietta's wonderfully fabricated side of the story. Reasons: + Mane wanted to war Dante_Balboni for no reason, which would have upset the stability between the cities. + Mane, or his associates, were spreading rumours about the Las Vegas families wanting to war the New York family, led by Azuela. + Mane had allowed "imminent threats" to live within his family. + Mane had been heard saying that he wanted to take out Prozac. Real events: Mane was approached by his Philadelphia co-leader, JimmyTheLionHeart, with a view of warring Dante_Balboni and a decision was quickly made, as Mane decided to back Jimmy and quickly drew up war plans. Within half an hour, they were ready to war, yet there were delays in the beginning of the war. Jimmy decided he wanted to talk to Marietta about the situation since she had woken up from her slumber and after an hour of apparent discussions, Jimmy called off the war with the reasoning that he had a bad feeling about it (but the reasoning was nothing to do with his chat with Marietta). The following night, Mane had decided enough was enough and told Jimmy that they'd war Dante that night and get it out of the way, believing that this is what Jimmy would want, having approached him one night previously. This is where the fun begins. Welcome to Mafia politics kids. "Silk", as Zoey is known on IRC avenue, approached "althalus" (Dante's IRC Avenue alias) and forewarned him of an incoming attack from Mane. Unfortunately for her, she did not research the relationship between Mane and Dante, who happened to be close friends. Bless. Dante was shown a discussion that apparently happened between herself and Mane, showing that Mane wanted to war Dante and Jimmy wasn't involved at all. Having seen this conversation "logs" (which is like a memory, but written down), althalus came sauntering over to Mane and asked him what was going on. Mane laughed. Then laughed some more. However, althalus showed Mane that Silk and Kendra (Marietta's alter-ego) had in fact told him that they would take Mane out before he could attack Dante! A travesty, let me tell you. Mane organised an attempt on his own life for the shits and giggles, which ironically ended up saving his life. Funny how these things work out really. Not two hours later, when Mane had switched off all his lights to pretend to sleep but was in fact spinning a pistol barrel in boredom, he received word that several of his members had been killed by Zoey's and Marietta's hitters. He sprung into action like the agile, sexy man that he is, and quickly found the house of Rodney_Phatballz, a Protected Consigliere from Marietta's petite ten man family, gacing him while shouting "Surprise!" Marietta groaned, Zoey groaned, the Mafia groaned and Marietta's infamous chihuahua's shit the carpet again. Needless to say, it was going to be a long night for everyone. Long story short though, Mane jumped on a plane while his family members were falling all around him and shot Prozac's Right Hand Woman, Zoloft. That was quite a funny part for a lot of people. Mane almost died laughing, but his "pro-wack" kept him alive luckily. Finally though, his family torn to pieces by the admirable work of Zoey's and Marietta's hitters, with Prozac tagging along, Mane died after shooting OdeEtsuya - a Boss in Zoey's family. God this is a long article. I do love knowing all the facts though. Imminent threats from Mane's family remain unnamed and non-existent and the rumours of LV wanting to war NY were in fact spread by a chap named FridgeRevenge (JimmyTheLionHeart in a poor disguise) on Ventrilo Avenue. Mane did want to war Prozac though, this much he admitted, and this never happened. Unfortunate, and the Mafia is worse off for that. All in all though, it does make you wonder about the real reason for warring Mane, considering his family was a success in the eyes of many. I just sighed, as I'm sure you all are sighing with me, because this is going on forever. Dante, me ol' buddy from New Orleans, was warred the following night by Marietta and Zoey, casting the whole idea of not letting Mane war Dante because it would destroy the perfect balance (that a harmless family doing nothing can give to the Mafia) into large amounts of doubt. Goodbye common sense, we wish you a speedy return to the minds of the leaders. Fortunately for you and I, readers, this was a successful takedown with nothing exceptional to report. RIP Mr Balboni. I know what you're thinking readers: Bias much? The joys of being a reporter, get over it. I have. I'm a 1910's kid, I can do what I want motherfuckers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Way to go Vegas - Reporter: Cupcake. Hit or miss? Definitely a miss. A lot of misses actually. Like every shot in the first wave in an attack on Detroit. This is where I go back to being a reporter and go on information I've heard as opposed to a first hand account where I read somebody's diary. These ones are always more enjoyable. Gambino and HandiMan, the two illustrious Dons of Las Vegas, decided that they would pre-empt an attack on themselves from Detroit by orchestrating an attack on Detroit first. A sound theory that has been employed by many leaders in the past, and employed successfully at that, but not in this case. True enough, they launched a pre-emptive strike on Detroit before Detroit attacked them, but that was more or less the only success that they got. Even the big death of Zoey wasn't their doing, but one of Zoey's own members doing. Surprisingly, it wasn't even Camazotz this time. RIP Tatiana. The attack's failure can be narrowed down to one thing generally, and that is the person who planned the attack. The person in question was ImpureMind, otherwise known as scarface22, who's bloodline is getting fast-tracked to the moron scrap heap after this epic fail, added onto the failure that was LargeHamster. We at The Sugar Factory are curious as to what drove HandiMan to allow scarface22 to plan this war considering the majority would have predicted a large scale set of misses, which funnily enough did happen. It isn't certain who missed what shot, however there was a number of people who set up in the duration of this war, and in doing so these people painted a large target on their forehead. Mitch (Gambino's former RH), ImpureMind, BonnieParker and Shagtastic are four names that spring to mind. I apologise to the descendants of any rogues I may have missed out, but nobody did much damage. It is reported that Mitch did shoot Dru_Delray, the reputable Right Hand of JimmyTheLionHeart, and HandiMan used his gun to shoot a Capo, QuagmireRourke no less, which ultimately led to his demise at the hand of Zoey. Interestingly, Zoey died from her own member who was "trying to miss to keep her alive". The general consensus is that this was quite unnecessary, considering the largest gun on the opposition's side had 1) just died and 2) shot the Capo to lose his own protection, so even if Zoey had missed him, he couldn't shoot back for another hour. On a more positive note, MickeyRourke was authed in Detroit quickly after Mane's demise and Guardian was swiftly authed in New York following Zoey's death and has now moved to Detroit alongside Marietta and MickeyRourke. Good luck to them both with their new families. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Silent Don - Reporter: Cupcake. There is a more silent Don than Sammy Who knew that a crewleader could actually be so silent that they get overlooked by the masses when someone speaks about a silent Don. We saw a lot of sledging of our very own Hayley and her family on a piece of tissue that was released yesterday, and I think a lot of that was relatively unfair. Kurt_Cobain cannot help it if he's a bit dense, and as the champ that is RichardKuklinski says, he is far too illiterate to write a mail that actually has an element of coherence to it! Clearly a forged mail! But if I have any influence in the world, I want two things to happen. One of which is about Prozac, and I wont utter such words in my beautiful paper (yet), and the other is to allow me to speak one (slightly edited) quote and for it to ring true. "Friends, Mafioso, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Hayley, not to praise her; The evil that she does lives after her, The silence is oft interred with her bones." Your decision. I shan't waste your time with any pleas or any more wishes. The Bloody Tissue covered the abomination that is her family at the moment quite adequately, kudos to them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wars are like buses - Reporter: Cupcake. You wait around for ages, then several come at once I'll coin that, thank you very much. I hope you like that little expression which I just made up off the top of my head of course. So I was sitting in my chair, watching the world go by as usual, when I wondered what causes these flurries of wars. Course, I had no idea because I can't think for myself. I report on what other people say. But let me give you the two most recent set of wars. Of course, there was this week, where Marietta, Zoey and Prozac warred Mane; where Marietta, Zoey, Prozac and JimmyTheLionHeart warred Dante_Balboni; and where Gambino and HandiMan warred Marietta, Zoey, JimmyTheLionHeart and Prozac and lost. If we think a little further back, we have the takedown of Doyle, the takedown of Chicago by LA and Philly followed by the takedown of one of the LA families themselves in the same day by Detroit. My own very simple minded conclusion is that some sort of "war fever" (coining that term too thanks) spreads into the minds of all the families, where they decide they need to kill some people either because 1) they just really want to shoot some shit or 2) they see the surviving family of the war as a threat to their own establishment. Paranoia at its best, I'm sure. On the positive side, Marietta is running out of people to war in her times of boredom and she's likely to wait a long while, after authing several more families to "regain stability" before the next flurry of wars that she initiates. Tyrannical, maybe not. Bored easily and full of paranoia? The answer to that worries me slightly. If she can't trust you and you become a potential threat, then beware. Her chihuahua's bite, and they bite hard. "Rowr" indeed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fashion babeh - Cupcake's fashion column I quite enjoy this tbh Kurt_Cobain - This young man was seen wandering the streets with an outrageous hat sitting on his head, with the letter "D" emblazoned on the front and back. My sources tell me that this "D" stands for "Dunce". We don't need the hat for us to know that Kurt. Sherminator - Somehow this chap wanders around with ginger hear and a red shirt that doesn't compliment his hair much, and still seems to have 4 lassies fawning over him. In this case, the lassies were actually the female collie, but still. I should sign him up to give fashion advice. Not saying I will though, he'd set the fire alarm off every two seconds. KingOfOnePercent - Wonderful guy, if slightly confused. Apparently he got mixed up when he left home this morning, and was seen prancing around with an old copy of The Sugar Factory: Issue One folded up into a boat on his head. Trying to rival dear Kurt_Cobain are we KOOP? Good luck with that. Angel - Apparently she disregarded her halo for today, as she was swanning around the LA HQ with a mop in hand whipping the plebs in Prozac's crew. The mop isn't a fashion accessory so this shouldn't be in the fashion column, but since Angel isn't very important, I can't be bothered making another article to mention it in. Thanks for the picture submission though, sweet reader. Finally, this is the first general piece of fashion advice that will be given and hopefully the last - The Rourkes. Not a good thing to have on your CV at any time, but I largely suggest that some of you try and blend in with the rest of us. It would make your world takeover that much easier if you weren't so easily identifiable. RourkeyRourke is the best Rourke btw. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is not a fucking disclaimer. This is me telling you that if you got upset in any way by this then you need to stop being so fucking sensitive. Have a nice day. |
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Nice eff..zzzzzzz.. eh, where was I? oh yes I relly li..zzzzz.. oops sorry. What I am trying to say was This is a great re.. zzz. zz. z. |
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| Reply by: Frijj at Dec 18, '08 12:40 | |
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| HeIIo, you have a lot of balls to publish this newspaper full of insults towards the Detroit family when you're currently a member of it. | |
| Reply by: Mirage at Dec 18, '08 12:42 | |
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After reading this i thought there was a few holes in the stories and BAM it hit me "considering his family was a success in the eyes of many." what eyes are these? these people must be blind?? "He sprung into action like the agile, sexy man that he is" .....do i need to answer this one?? |
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| Reply by: FreeRingDings at Dec 18, '08 12:57 | |
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It's all factual FreeRingDings, all factual. Mainly because I just printed it, therefore factual, but still. Success is in the eye of the beholder, and I'm sure Mane is smiling at you from heaven - or hell as the case may be. Besides, this Cupcake chap is a reporter, it isn't necessarily his own thoughts... Usually is though. Thanks Mirage, I think... However, as you can see, I just print the paper. This Cupcake chap is the man with the ideas. And the balls, as you eloquently put it. |
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| Reply by: HeIIo at Dec 18, '08 13:27 | |
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