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| The Bloody Tissue, Issue II | Started by: KingOfOnePercent on Jan 07, '09 18:58 |
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A Letter from the Editors So here we are again. Happy New Year and a belated Merry Christmas. We must apologise for the lateness of the issue, but as well as the festive break; a great deal of our time is taken up by being the RHM in our crews. Yet we still manage to do something in the streets instead of sitting on our fat arses? Inconceivable! As ever, we remind our readers that we print absolutely anything we receive, provided it remains within the laws set down by City Hall. Don't like what you're reading? Send in your own article to get your point across! Love, The Editors. P.S. "Yer Nan" mentions - too frequent? Feedback appreciated! Who are ya? Who are ya? Oh hai folks. We have been away a long time no? That's because we are cream. It is not our fault. We just happen to be better than most of you and as such always rise to the top. You really think we would take the time and effort to write you something when we are RH'ing? You have a Godmother who writes you less than we do yet you start harassing us. Demanding to know when the next one will be here? Well, it's fucking here now so you can leave us alone. You may have noticed in the last edition I gave you a small piece on how Marietta is doing absolutely jack shit. You may have also noticed that since that last issue she has done absolutely jack shit and you may notice until the next issue that she does... absolutely jackshit. You see. She is content. She is happy. 'Hoorah. What a good old jolly up this is squires. I can do whatever I want and no-one can lay a finger on me. I will go down in history as being the oldest Godmother (and I hope only. What a stupid title) in history' Yes you will. Big kudos to you. You will also go down in history for being the most lazy, undriven, uncaring and lot's of other good names for you Godmother ever. You don't come out to the street anymore. You don't come up with anything new with what you are given. The boundaries are there to be pushed and yet you do nothing. You could make people do ANYTHING. You could demand anything you like but you won't because that requires effort. Effort you feel you have already given to reach the top. Being at the top of the list is not enough anymore Marietta. It's time you actually did something. Many many people are fucked off at the way you're killing a rank so many have aimed to reach. It was the Everest of so many people for so long. Anita did her best to utilise it but to be fair to her she did not have the support that you now have nor did she have the time you have had to rebuild after the war. So, do us all a favour. Either get off your ass and become the tyrant you said you would or put a gun to your head and give someone else a go. Lock, Stock and the Two Smoking Cocks ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ El-oh-el, R.I.P Superted. Oh wait, never mind! This week saw the tragic passing of Don -Johndillanger-, GRHS. Whether it was a deliberate ploy or a accidental slip up that led to his execution by City Hall has been much discussed; but that is not the reason for this article. That is because the Bloody Tissue does not cover the news conventionally, but more tries to explore the controversial issues that the community as a whole do not have the nerve to address. We try to act as the voice of the silent majority. We try to ask questions that others may be afraid to. One such question - Why in sweet fuck is SuperTed still alive? In what was to become a highly publicised event, Necrosis was shot down after the death of Don Dillanger for his disrespect, with the Crewleaders seeming to take the line that Funerals are a sacred place, and that no disrespect is to be tolerated. This was further cemented by a speech made by Don Guardian, denouncing those who disrespect at Funerals. During this speech, many members of the community, particularly those in power, spoke out against this disrespect; the end result being almost unanimous condemnation of this practise. So to ask the question again - Why, after his flagrant disrespect at a Don's funeral, is SuperTed still alive? I have thought and thought about this, and I could come up with only two possibilities: One is that Prozac and his fellows do not believe Funeral disrespect is an offence. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for individual policies and variation between families, but this is a very worrying thought. For one organisation to dismiss the issue whilst the rest are struggling to upload honour as best they can is frankly a mockery. The other is that Prozac is unwilling to punish his big guys. Another very fucking worrying thought if you ask me; what happens when Don Prozac hesitates when one of his members breaks a different sort of rule, random wacking perhaps? I dread to think. Whatever the motives for SuperTed's continuing survival though, it still leaves a very sour taste in my mouth. KingOfYerNan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Big Fat Nobodies Posse In recent history there have been few groups as widely feared as the BFN Posse. Stemming from the noble family lineage of Nick_C and his "High Society" hitsquad, the Big Fat Nobodies have managed to accomplish fairly nothing in quite a long period of idiocy. They are rather large piles of shite and do not deserve to have anything written about them more than "Their mums wish they didn't exist." Captain America ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oh My God. Thank Fuck for FrankieFigs! Fucking Hell, a positive article?! You fine sir are a saviour. Someone has finally seen that Made Man means something and is not just another step on the pole to Capo, Boss etc. For those of you that do not know what he has done and chose to ignore his street speech then I will enlighten you. FrankieFigs is no longer promoting his friends just because they are exactly that. He is not promoting them because they are cash cows nor is he promoting them so he is powerful. He is promoting them because they have earned it. Not only that but you are not 'in the family' until Made Man but just associated to them below that rank. You see, to become a Made Man I always looked at it this way. You have been Made. Made a part of the family and are trusted by the boss to the point he can have you represent him. At Gangster you are uneducated and very 'Gangsterish' in your ways. You shoot your mouth. Shoot people. Rip people off. All the usual things At Goomba you have a better understanding of things but you are still showing signs of finding your feet in this way of life. At Earner you know how it works and you can do most things to a good level. However, you are not good enough to be close to the boss. A Wise Guy is exactly that. He is wise to the ways of the world and can do everything well BUT, and it's a big but, he is not yet trusted by his boss. So it seems that Frankie wanted to return things back to how they were. When Made Men were Made for a reason and not just because the chance was there. Hats off to you good man. Lock, Stock and the Two Smoking Cocks ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This isn't your Grandfather's Mafia Welcome to the mafia, son. You have a sweet and lovely name. It's the same as your grandfather's and a lot of your ancestors, but this isn't your grandfather's mafia. It's much safer now. You don't have to wait until you're a thug to receive an invitation to join a family and you don't have to wait until you're a gangster to join a family. Guess what? You can join a family right now. That's right. It's a lot easier for you than it was for your grandfather. There's another perk for young blood like you. You don't have to join a family for forty eight hours. You can commit crimes and deal drugs in seven cities for the next two days. The best part is even though you aren't paying tribute to a leader you're protected by not one, but all of them. Boys like you who are making money in their cities mean more to them than their own family who are earning money for them. If one of their members attempts to wack you the leader will kill his member. That's nice of them, isn't it, sweety? After you take advantage of the forty eight hour rule you can easily join a family by sending a one line request. In fact, one liners are encouraged. That's how easy it is to join the mafia. One line and poof, you're in. If you're lucky the leader will recognize your name and make you his Left Hand Man. It doesn't matter if you're only a Gangster. You'll get to boss around Made Men. Isn't that cool? Don't get too comfortable in the slanty suit, though. Five other boys wear it too. Did your grandfather ever tell you how thieves were punished in the good old days? If they were caught attempting to mug someone they got wacked. Don't worry about that happening now. You can steal a Made Man's wallet and live to tell your children about it. If the mafia is this easy for you imagine how easy it'll be for your kids. Maybe there will be a city where shooting sponsored is encouraged by the local mob boss. That would be totally awesome. When the family you join takes out another family don't expect every member of the other family to get fitted for cement shoes. When the leader dies you'll be told not to wack unsponsored people. In fact, after a leader makes a speech ordering people not to wack them all of the other leaders will agree. It's like the forty eight hour rule. People who don't work for your leader are more important than you are. If you kill a homeless mafioso your leader will kill you, but turn that frown upside down, son. If your leader dies you'll be protected by all of the leaders until you join another family. You look confused, son. I told you this isn't your grandfather's mafia. What happened is sometime between back then and now the mafia got soft. It became easier to join a family, stealing a hard working mobster's money became acceptable and unsponsored people became more precious than family, but don't give all the credit to the current leaders. They're only enforcing rules other people made. I don't know who to thank, but it's clear to me this mafia is what happens when people who are suppose to be leaders are followers. Now run along and join the mafia, son and have a ton of fun. Make a lot of friends and drink a lot of coffee. Don't forget to pick pocket everyone and stay unsponsored for as long as possible. You'll be more than extremely well protected that way. Tell all the leaders thank you for being so nice. Enjoy your kinder and gentler mafia. Your Nan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I one lined Yer Nan She was well up for it It seems, dearest readers, that people have got all sorts of wrong ideas about my Boss's one line policy. Even in this article above, which I didn't want to print but did as we are totally impartial, "Your Nan" has claimed it only takes one line to get into the Mafia. Not True. You're only in the Mafia when you're a Made Man or above. Until then, you're just an associate. We are happy to take anyone in as an associate. As I've mentioned several times it's mutually beneficial. They earn us money, we give them protection and teach them the ropes if necessary, I can't see a problem with this. People have mailed me and contacted me on IRC claiming us Cuties are bringing down standards. Not true. To elaborate on what I've said above, you're not in the Mafia 'till you're a Made Man. Standards are brought down more sharply by promoting those utterly incapable of being Made Man than by us letting people into our HQ who aren't the most intelligent or for whom English is not a first language. We see no benefit in discriminating against these people. Accusations have been levelled at us that we are member whores. Not true. Surely the definition of a whore is one who solicits something - usually sex, though obviously in this case members. Considering we do not solicit members, I'm sure everyone will agree this is an extremely erroneous accusation. So in future, before you talk out of your bottom you may wish to pipe the fuck down so you don't look like a giant imbecile. Ta. KingOfYerNan. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Interview with ChristmasPast Ladies and gentlemen, I have had the honour and privilege to sit down with an esteemed member of FrankieFigs' crime family, his own LHM ChristmasPast. Over the course of a few hours, I was lucky to ask him numerous questions and receive his responses as follows: Captain America: So, sir, I notice you are currently the LHM for FrankieFigs and DLS. How is that going for you? ChristmasPast: ....... Captain America: I see. How did you get to hold this position? ChristmasPast: ....... Captain America: Fascinating. Why the hell aren't you saying anything to me? ChristmasPast: ....... Captain America: Oh Christ, you're inactive. An inactive LHM??? What a waste of an interview. ChristmasPast: ....... Captain America: Let's play it your way, you smarmy fuck. If you're a cunt, say "......." ChristmasPast: ....... Captain America: If you want me to shoot you, say "......." ChristmasPast: ....... Captain America: If you'll let me shag yer mum, say "......." ChristmasPast: ....... And so concludes another riveting article by Captain America. Don't forget to tip your publishers on your way out. Captain America ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Gossip Minus the grotesque fat bird who's always undressing onstage So onto the gossip. We are going to change this a bit. This bit here is now THE GOSSIP QUIZ. I always found the gossip bit kind of hit and miss. You never quite knew which bits were made up. THE GOSSIP QUIZ will change this. We print some true stuff and some false stuff and you can decide which is which. Answers on a postcard. One lucky person who mails one of the Bloody Tissue staff with the correct answers will win $100k. Just send us true and false to the numbered lines. Enjoy: 1. Marietta was seen to be a right sarcastic cow in someones funeral around the time a leader was asking what was acceptable in a funeral. 2. Prozac was seen in the streets this week showing disrespect to El_Nino, RHM of Guardian, and it did not go down well with Nino at all. Watch the obits! 3. Premmythepoohbear was seen to abuse his position of LHM by ramming his cock down members throats and making them 'drink' 4. A God was seen in the #divinelunacy coffee shop telling another God that she would leave this 'idiot' to them as she 'wasn't in the mood' 5. Less than 10 of Hayleys members died this week. 6. Rumours afoot that Goodfella will get auth. 7. Also rumours that Mr_MFer bought a Bodyguard for the first member who spotted him being Consigliere. So. Good luck with that folks. Remember. ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS is up for grabs. Lock, Stock and the Two Smoking Cocks |
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I for one think these boys are correct. I think that once you reach Godmother the work REAAALLY begins, that's actually why you're surrounded with 10 people instead of 74. When that happens you know it's time to hike up the sleeves and get to work. Personally I have enjoyed Godmother Marietta's reign, I've been living large, literally and figuratively. While the rest toil with hard labor, I have been able to swoop up the ranks like a condor, all the while eating moist poultry at the expense of the little people. No, the real story is not how Marietta is being a lazy hag, it is that the Rourkes are being exceptional in every way that really shames the people who can't get past Made Man, like Fork. Two of us are Dons, are you foreal right now?! Granted there are some really awful elements in the group like perennial Capo Brian Rourke who seems to be too torn up over the death of adoptive mother, Veronicazotz to even put forth an effort. I personally think the Rourkes' triumphs under Godmother Marietta should trump an article on her lethargy. Jusssst one more thing... A minor correction if I may. Godmother Marietta has been the running editor and writer for AMPMAG. But, I think it's probably good we overlook that because they criticized one of my speeches a few weeks ago. Eff them right in Rourkey's A. |
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| Reply by: ThomasRourke at Jan 07, '09 19:27 | |
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To: KingOfOnePercent From: RourkeyRourke Sent: Jan 07, '09 19:27 Subject: Answers to the Gossip Section 1. T 2. T 3. F 4. T 5. T 6. T 7. T We have a winner! Your accountant has made payment of $100,000 to RourkeyRourke! Congratulations! Thank you all for the participation, it was interesting to see the answers we got. |
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| Reply by: KingOfOnePercent at Jan 07, '09 19:30 | |
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| Some interesting and no doubt valid points you bring up Sir Thomas - perhaps a submission to the Bloody Tissue is in order?! | |
| Reply by: KingOfOnePercent at Jan 07, '09 19:31 | |
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Not a bad issue whatsoever. A job very well done to everyone who participated in its creation. However, I must clear up these rumors of a "GoodFella" getting auth... It's definitely nowhere near being true. I mean, who the hell would allow me to take charge of an entire family? What experience does a guy like me hold that would in any way, shape or form, be worthy of leadership? It's not like I've been a LHM or an RHM to a... oh nevermind Walks away shaking head |
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| Reply by: GoodFella at Jan 07, '09 20:10 | |
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And it's not like your family line way back didn't lead a whole family bigger than any of the ones around... oh wait... Walks away shaking head |
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| Reply by: GrandNannyRourke at Jan 07, '09 20:27 | |
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| Is it bad that I don't remember seeing the first issue? Well seeing who writes this stuff no wonder I pay it no attention. | |
| Reply by: Mr_MFer at Jan 07, '09 22:13 | |
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Notices all the heads shaking back and forth. What, is there a tennis match going on? Ladies and Gents, I'm here all week! Walks away shaking head |
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| Reply by: MacLeod at Jan 07, '09 22:23 | |
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Phantom folds up the paper and puts it away. I like the fact that there's a new paper, but this is quite.. "uncensored" I suppose you could say. Good job on the premise. |
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| Reply by: Phantom-Ghost at Jan 08, '09 01:35 | |
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Do not fear for those of you just read The Gossip Quiz and thinking 'damn I wish I had got here earlier' Send your answers on a postcard into our offices and we will draw one lucky name out of a hat in a few days time to win another cool $100,000. |
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| Reply by: Frijj at Jan 08, '09 03:03 | |
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| i must admit the "This isn't your Grandfather's Mafia" is a big one, a long time back when my family line started in this thing of our's you would pretty much give at least a paragraph to join, then was not guaranteed. | |
| Reply by: BetterOffDead at Jan 08, '09 08:47 | |
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Godmother Marietta's impact may not have been felt across the land yet. Brilliant ideas and plans take time to formulate, as well as execute. Besides, all great leaders like to have the element of surprise on their side. Patiently lullying the enemy into a state of false security and then catching them with their pants down, so to speak. Her impact on myself has been immeasurable. When she found me, I was collecting used feminine hygiene products that I used to make finger paint with. You can get quite a nice burgandy when you mix that stuff with cow waste but I digress. Since that day I have not swooped but slowley made my way to my present status. I prefer the stagger and stumble approach, to be honest. In closing, Marietta is a great leader that one could model their own ambitions upon. Please be patient for her re-emergence. Thank you. |
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| Reply by: PhatballzRourke at Jan 08, '09 12:21 | |
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I am so sorry, but I have to take issue with the writers of the article about the GrandMother of MR. It seems that since she was elevated to the status of GF, the feds took notice to her and investigated her and her interests. My sources tell me that they nailed her for hard time in the slammer for tax evasion. I was able to offer my marginal assistance and bail her out. Success! Marietta was set free. |
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| Reply by: Fu-ManjuRourke at Jan 08, '09 13:28 | |
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That was a great issue. This truly isn't my grandfather's mafia. I don't think anybody can disagree with that. And that's really too bad. Times were hard back then, so my grandfather said, but they were satisfyting. Competition for getting into a family and getting noticed was fierce. But this definitely isn't my grandfather's newspaper. For that, I say great job. It was very entertaining and worth every minute I spent reading this issue. wipes the ink of his figers We need CHANGE. Wait, where have I heard that before? But it's true. Every once in a while we need a little shake up. Walks away scratching his... What? Everybody else was shaking their head. I can't do the same thing. |
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| Reply by: Brick_Pollitt at Jan 08, '09 13:40 | |
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I remember the stories my grandfather told me about the old mafia, when it's been hard to survive on the streets without protection, when stealing money of others never been an option at all. When you had to work your ass off every day. When you had to spend years of hard work to be CONSIDERED to be made. And when a family had one RHM and not four. Anyways I have to admit that I followed the trend, I have also got softer which really disturbs me and no longer shall be! *raises his hand* |
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| Reply by: DanielOcean at Jan 08, '09 14:10 | |
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| The amount of sloppy brown tongues and noses this issue has generated is abhorrent. I too should adopt a populous surname and shake my head vehemently at this kind of thing. This will make me cool. | |
| Reply by: IAmBetterThanYou at Jan 08, '09 16:40 | |
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| Interesting thread. | |
| Reply by: Carmelo_Gotti at Jan 08, '09 17:07 | |
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