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| AMPMAGAzine Issue 4 | Started by: Ares on Jan 09, '09 20:00 |
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Welcome Issue 4? `Ello all you wonderfully horrible mafia people. We are back to bring you another AMPMAG issue, full of its shitty humor and disgusting punch lines. Welcome back, read and enjoy. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Street Activity WHAT A WEEK! Beginning with MickeyRourke's don-ness, with Philly opening up to Pickpocketing, and most recently, the new "Death Tax" placed on Detroit. Here's out take on the week:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* OBITS We never like to celebrate deaths. Deaths aren't good for business, and they make people sad. So, as always, along with this section of our paper, we donate regularly to local funeral homes to help these people look nice before going 6 feet under. Rest In Peace Folks. OBITS We are sad to report that not a lot of people died this week. Well, at least we are sad about it. While it's good for your business, we barely had anyone to spotlight in our paper. Either way, Rest in Peace to those that did lose their lives within the past few days.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Interview Mafioso: With the unfortunate passing of -Johndillanger-, will you have to change plans you may have had with him or will you proceed as normal? FrankieFigs: As far as plans we had for New York, its a little hard to say, we were both, and I still am, small time. However, I'm lucky to be a recognized family here in NY, I hope to have some new faces join the ranks. As for how I will proceed I guess we will just have to wait and see, I have a few ideas. I'm just to small and would have to rely on a financial backing to see it through...and having to owe anyone money is never good for business. Mafioso: How does it feel to have done a competition just for your new LHM to go inactive, do you still feel that it's a good idea or will you not be doing it again? FrankieFigs: I think my contest was a great idea, and still do. The LHM position has very limited control over the family and crew, but its enough to give experience. My LHM is very good at his job, its unfortunate for him, that he is having issues in other worlds and can't get back after his vacation. I guess in this line of work, you have to expect someone in another place might recognize you and try to take advantage of your status, we are working with the local authorities and an expensive negotiator to get those people to let our Christmas Spirit return to the family Mafioso: Are you going to pay the tax to let your family members shoot in Detroit and what do you think about the idea too? FrankieFigs: No. I'm not. I think its a great idea, and if I had the power I would do the same thing, maybe a bit different. I think i would charge families 'per member'. My little family has a harder time coming up with 2 mil a week, where it would be much easier for a larger family to do so. Besides, we aren't killers here. We make love, not war. Mafioso: What do you think of JimmyTheLionHeart's proposal to let anyone pickpocket in his city, has anyone managed to pickpocket you yet? FrankieFigs: Well obviously I love JTLH proposal, after all it was my idea. And no, I haven't, not sure why though, doesn't my ass look good in these pants? Certainly SOMEONE would want to touch it! Mafioso: Are you finding it hard to recruit people as there are many families at the moment with the same numbers as yours, and do you think that some gangsters would rather go to a bigger family as they may be able to offer more protection? FrankieFigs: Not really, I'm not the recruiting type, I want people that WANT to be here, not people that would buy a ketchup Popsicle while wearing white gloves just because i said they should. As far as going to a bigger family for more protection...yea wouldn't you? I mean unless the Boss was a complete moron...but if he was a complete moron, then how did he get that many members Mafioso: Do you have anything else you want to say to our readers before you go? FrankieFigs: No, I think you talked about just about everything I would talk about. Except that I have replaced my LH with another until Chris' gets back, now I have two lovely women telling me what to do...I mean, assisting me in my operation! Thank you Sir, have a great day ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Recent Events Snowman Smasher on the Loose! RUN!!!! He has been seen all through the seven cities, destroying hundreds of frosty creatures in his mad anti-winter rage. Apparently FrankieFigs got fed up with the New York winters, and went on a snowy demolition spree. The first happening along his line of frozen crimes took place in Detroit. 3 or 4 of the Rourkes were out making some absolutely disgusting-looking snow-women, (performing some obscene acts with them, which we cannot publish in this paper), and along came Frankie, Ire, and FCUK. Upon driving up on the Rourke home, they got out with baseball bats, golf clubs, and hot irons a-blazin, and went to work. After less than 3 minutes, the deed was done. Not a single snow-woman was left standing. However, The DLS was credited with saving RourkeyRourke's private parts, as he would've surely caught frostbite and not have been able to reproduce. Damn. So close. The second victim to this horrible spree was the Giaquinto home. Salvatore was just sipping hot chocolate in his Philly home, next to the fire, when all-of-a-sudden Frankie showed up and started yet another frigid rampage. However, JimmyTheLionHeart and his son, Donnie, had actually constructed an entire icy castle. More than 30 stories tall, the SCICG built a truly insane structure in their front yard. Frankie went to work, but soon became tired and decided to drive off when the snowball cannons atop the castle began to reign down fire on them. FrankieFigs and the DLS were spotted all over the northeast destroying snow-creatures all along the way. The last stop they had was at Godmother Marietta's house. Just as they were about to start beating the snowmen in the front yard, 45+ men began to circle the 3 DLS members and cornered them. With snowball-guns loaded and ready to fire, the DLS saw their fate. Marietta stepped out onto the front porch of her house, and gave the order. The DLS was pounded into a pile of snow, and were rushed to the hospital the next morning after the snow melted. We have word they will be fine, but this shall be a lesson to all you snow-party-crashers out there. Philly Pickpocket Fest I had $5k a second ago... Recently, Don JimmyTheLionHeart announced that "Philly will now be a PickPocket friendly city", sending out the invite "To (all) the pickpockets out there. Come in large numbers." This idea has been largely welcomed by the masses but there are some who have doubts about it. When we asked two gangsters about why they were apprehensive about this new paradigm, they said: "A situation may occur where a member of the community, who was not aware of the new Philly rule, reacts with deadly force to the act of relieving his pockets of hard earned cash." Although Jimmy states: "I will protect those who have followed the rules while within my city", some concerned mobsters fear that Jimmy retaliating in response to their being shot still leaves them dead. A fair concern from those without a large number of body guards. But since this initiative has been started it seems that no-one has been shot, so it's doubtful that this will happen at all and if anybody doesn't like to be pickpocketed Jimmy states that "Should you decide to visit my fair city, but not wish to have your pockets looted, then please use one of our fine banking establishments." We hope that everyone would like to join in with this as it would give everyone a chance to see who is better at pickpocketing. We think that this is a great idea overall and cannot see many (if any) flaws in this idea and hope the other cities soon follow suit. GOOD JOB JIMMY. <3 By Her Majesty's Command I get locked down... but I get up again. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems like the queen-tyrant is at last living up to her title. Her despotic reign has reached a new limit. Yes, that is correct. With an iron fist, she has exercised her dictatorial powers. In a statement made just yesterday, Godmother Marietta Rossi of Detroit has made it clear that only those who offer to her a royal tithe shall be allowed the privilege of being able to remove from her city the "inactive wastes of human life". For a hefty sum of $2,000,000 for an entire family, or $420,000 for an individual, one may exercise one's own judicial authority over the homeless of the Motor City. In an attempt to justify her actions (as if she needs to), Ms. Rossi explained that the costs of having the victims of our murderous ways disposed of so as not to elicit the attention of the police is ever-increasing, and that these expenses make little sense when it is not always her and her associates who are the origin of these costs. "One or two bodies, sure, throwing them into the river is just fine. But when you get as many dead bodies as the Motor City does, you have to be creative about where you start hiding them... Yet as I said before, it all links back to the fact that things like this do not come cheap." This reporter is outraged. Who does she think she is? The costs are too much for her? Every single crime I commit in her city earns her money! It should therefore be my right to shoot whomever I please; I've paid already! It's just another excuse for her to make more money at the expense of her rivals. How dishonourable is that, honestly? In further explanation of this Ms. Rossi. has stated that any who oppose her rule shall meet an untimely end. Yes, that is correct. She will kill all those who disrespect her authority over her city, again explicitly marking the corruption of herself and her empire. Whether or not her decree shall be accepted or even respected by the leaders of the other 6 cities is as of yet unclear. And whether or not these other leaders shall, in turn, introduce their own "Death Taxes", thereby either nullifying the entire process or provoking (a) violent reaction(s), is similarly unknown. All that this reporter can conclude is that Ms. Rossi has overstepped her boundaries here; yes, she may be the supreme authority over the criminal enterprises of Detroit, and yes, her paramount concern is acceptably the success of her family business, in all three of its factions, and yes, the other leaders and their families are, in essence, rivals, but does this really give her the right to ask for money from non-Detroitians to help cover the costs that she incurs in her city as a result of the criminal actions of outsiders who gain a great deal whilst the Godmother herself only loses out? I don't think I need to say anything other than AMPMAG FTW! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* A Riddle for You All The paragraph below is most unusual. How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about it? "Gatsby was walking back from a visit down in Branton Hill's manufacturing district on a Saturday night. A busy day's traffic had had its noisy run; and with not many folks in sight, His Honor got along without having to stop to grasp a hand, or talk; for a mayor out of City Hall is a shining mark for any politician. And so, coming to Broadway, a booming bass drum and sounds of singing, told of a small Salvation Army unit carrying on amidst Broadway's night shopping crowds. Gatsby, walking towards that group, saw a young girl, back toward him, just finishing a long, soulful oration ... " The first to identify what is unusual about the above paragraph and send me the answer will receive $100,001. Yes. We're better than those Bloody Tissue people. Hmph. Costs We have now made Advertising FREE. If you want something in the paper, let us know! We'll print it. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* AMPMAG News! Anti-Marietta Pro-Midget-and-Goat Inc. now contains over 5 members in more than 3 cities! I know. We're growing faster than weeds. As a matter of fact, we have outgrown our original predictions. Its wonderful. Now, we can strive to bring you the best paper we can make, with even more creative, intelligent minds. Members
Even though we have filled our walls, that doesn't mean that you can't still submit articles. We still hope that people will write for us, even though they won't be a full-time employee. Need Help? We've noticed recently, that some people have things to say. They say it, and are then ridiculed for it. So, we want to help. If you have something you would like to say in the streets, talk to us. I have OCD for grammatical and spelling errors, and guarantee a spotless speech when I'm done. I'll even talk you through each correction I make. However, that has a small fee depending on how large the speech is. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Support AMPMAG You want to help? GREAT! I've had some people come to me and ask to help us. I adore this enthusiasm to assist our publication endeavors, so I decided to make it nice and easy for you guys who feel the desire to help. Here are the ways you can help us:
Thank you! |
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| there are no "E's" int he paragraph. | |
| Reply by: FrankieFigs at Jan 09, '09 20:10 | |
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| Yes, Mr. Figs, you are correct. Congratulations, you are the lucky winner of $100,001. (We're still better than those Bloody Tissues) | |
| Reply by: Ares at Jan 09, '09 20:18 | |
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*Relaxes on the subway while keeping his eye on the passengers who look at him almost suspiciously as he is much better dressed than the rest of the passengers while reading the latest version* This is good stuff *he says aloud* *A lady with a small child tucked into her chest looks over at him while she is feeding her baby and winks* I don't need that headache.. *RedDev hops off at the next stop on 4th and South* |
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| Reply by: RedDevil at Jan 09, '09 20:42 | |
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Minimum $20,000
