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| The Rourke Genealogy. A complete history | Started by: GayPerryRourke on Jan 10, '09 17:12 |
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This Genealogy is brought to you by VJBOING! Productions The year 1932 was notable for many reasons:- January 1 - The United States Post Office Department issued a set of 12 stamps commemorating the 200th anniversary of George Washington's birth. January 3 - The British arrested and interned Mohandas Gandhi and Vallabhbhai Patel January 8 - In Britain the Archbishop of Canterbury forbade church remarriage of divorced persons. January 12 - Hattie W. Caraway became the first woman elected to the United States Senate. February 25 - Adolf Hitler obtained German citizenship by naturalization, opening the opportunity for him to run in the 1932 election for Reichsprident March 19 - The Sydney Harbour Bridge opened. May 2 - Comedian Jack Benny's radio show aired for the first time. November 8 - U.S. presidential election, 1932: Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt defeated Republican President Herbert Hoover in a landslide victory. However, possibly not the most notable, yet the most significant event since Shuki lost his dentures occurred thus. In 1932, a reeking cesspool of alleyway vomit, piss and stagnant rainwater congealed in the midday sun and from that day forth would be come to be known as VeronicazotzRourke. Veronicazotz, ashamed of her giant harelip, never ventured out of the alleyway of her birth, instead making her living entertaining unwitting passers-by with her uncanny skills and sexual allure. For such was the allure that Veronicazotz exuded, dogs from a 5-mile radius would come to mark their territory and dry hump the unfortunate soul. It was from one of these very same encounters that Veronica gave birth to her first egg, the conception of which is commonly referred to in the scientific community as the "Big Bang". The repeated abuse to her... womanly regions came in handy as she became pregnant with twins, ThomasRourke and BrianRourke. Much unlike the creation of Veronicazotz, Thomas and Brian both matured in the same egg and emerged from the womb simultaneously (however easily due to the abundant size of the birth canal), despite the foetuses being individually slightly smaller than an oversized lounge chair. The birth of the two young Rourkes in 1932 began what would be recorded in history as the "Rourkian Epoch". ThomasRourke and BrianRourke, though of the same genetic composition, were two very independent and different individuals. Thomas enjoyed absorbing the arts and sampling all the cultural offerings of life under an inner city elevated train depot, while Brian just liked breaking things and experimenting with sounds made by his gastrointestinal system. However, by 1932 the boys had grown into what society had deemed 'men' and it was time to venture off into the world to make their mark. Thomas quickly fell into courtship with a handsome man named Quagmire and the two were wed privately. ThomasRourke and his bride QuagmireRourke lived quietly outside of the city until Quagmire fell ill from syphilis and passed away from lack of treatment. Thomas was broken hearted as he was not affected by the syphilis and knew without a doubt that his lover had cheated on him. Quagmire, wanting to die with a clean conscience, confessed to having a long-term affair with a hairy, midget albino who mistakenly called himself ChuckieRourke, though he had no real claim to the Rourkian bloodline. Chuckie had died two years previously, in 1932, by falling off a stool, though due to his short stature, was more 'cliff-like' in the fatal damage that was done to his tiny body. Before he died, he tried to tell Thomas one more time of his love, but ended up coughing a thick yellow glob of phlegm onto Thomas' jacket. Thomas named his newborn son, GayPerryRourke. Upon further inspection on laundry day, another patch of bloody sputum was found on the lapel. Thomas named his daughter MinxettaRourke. It is unsure if GayPerry and Minxetta have any true Rourke blood in them, or if they are the byproducts of a torrid love affair with the unfaithful Quagmire and his giggety on the side. The other half of the "Original Seed, Brian, by a some genetic freak of nature was also black. Like onyx. His ebony skin obviously set him apart from his brother (notwithstanding penis size. Thomas, who the doctors referred to as 'asexual' were polite.) Accordingly, Brian's testicles were also of gargantuan proportion, so much that he named the right one Pedro, and the left one Phatballz. A nuttier pair had never before been seen in public. Brian and his outdoor plumbing served him well with the ladies and on more than one occasion, large breed farm animals. He began to court a cow by the name of Abby and during their short dating period, fathered two children on accident. Whilst engaging in acts of a highly sexual (and in many states - illegal) nature, Abby was struck in the udder by an errant beam of radiation from a nearby radio tower. Brian, not to be deterred and in the height of passion, continued despite that Abby became physically ill. When he finally realized her moans were that of agonizing pain and not the throes (moos?) of ecstasy, he reached down to stroke her swollen udder only to find that the milk inside had soured and curdled into large lumps. He dutifully milked his lover until the curds dislodged, thus bringing dear Mickey and RourkeyRourke into the world on a lovely spring day in 1932.To some this pair were cads, to others they were bounders, to all they were highly infectious. Rourkey adored and idolised Brian and followed his every move. However this obsession turned nasty after Rourkey drugged, kidnapped and violated Brian's beloved Aurora which may or may not explain the birth of Rourke triplets Digger, Randolpho and AwesomeRourke. However many scholars argue that these malodorous trio came into being after GayPerry and Minxetta indulged in some midget trapeze sex. Pointing to the evidence that they all have rather melon sized heads and short stumpy legs (albeit others argue that that is very much a Rourke trait). Brian was so besieged with grief, that he went on a seven month drinking binge (another highly recognizable Rourke characteristic) and his life soon slid down the proverbial drain and out of the basin of his control. He stopped bathing (though no one really noticed), couldn't maintain gainful employment, and wandered homeless through the streets, sustaining himself off of the unwilling generosity of unlucky passersby who wandered too close. But the streets were very harsh to Brian and one particularly wet day as he stopped to relieve himself in the alleyway, the illness that wracked his body finally caught up to him. He expelled the contents of his stomach and the demons that had possessed him into the growing puddle on the ground before crawling away to sleep in some long forgotten gutter. This careless act, this one stop in the alleyway, and the vile fluids that Brian deposited in the alleyway that fateful day in 1932, led to the astonishing and scientifically impossible creation of Brian's own mother, VeronicazotzRourke. So there you have it. The Rourke geneology is something akin to perpetual motion. A force of not so much evil as ugly and incompetent that is ceaseless and never-ending. Not unlike taxes, death and tards. True story. |
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Sits there dazed by the story, his mind recoiling in horror Weird... I thought it was all a myth, this is a break through more so than cracking the Enigma cipher. |
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| Reply by: Raoul-Duke at Jan 11, '09 00:17 | |
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| This is way more interesting than the founding of Rome. Kudos! | |
| Reply by: Pezz at Jan 11, '09 00:28 | |
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cigarette half way falling out his mouth I have always wondered how the Rourke's have come about.....but this story blew my mind. Where is this in the history books? amazing..... |
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| Reply by: BlackVampire at Jan 11, '09 01:13 | |
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| This should be put on wikipedia, so that everyone knows the truth! | |
| Reply by: Don-Dar at Jan 11, '09 07:39 | |
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| Absolutely brilliant piece of work. | |
| Reply by: PhatballzRourke at Jan 11, '09 13:23 | |
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| wikipedia!? | |
| Reply by: Nickje at Jan 11, '09 13:26 | |
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| Excellent read! Being new to the family, I haven't had the chance to learn about the history and bloodlines! | |
| Reply by: Landy at Jan 12, '09 10:36 | |
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Please note this addition was in the original manuscript but was left out due to the editor being a bit of a tard. In the spring of 1932 yet another Rourke appeared. Like Athena, springing forth from Zeus' head, Fu-manjuRourke sprang forth from Thomas' lip wart bearing a cup of shnaps in one hand and a bissel of pickled herring in the other. He would go on to become a sort of spiritual guide and financial advisor to all Rourkes. |
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| Reply by: GayPerryRourke at Jan 12, '09 13:29 | |
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Well now I know. When I first came back to these shores after a long absence I was quite surprised by the amount of 'Rourkes' that I was seeing on the streets. I never thought it was my place to ask about it but happy to know where they originated. Thank you for sharing your story GayPerry |
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| Reply by: Stapled at Jan 12, '09 16:59 | |
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SaintTony puts down the bottle he's been chugging on for a few hours and looks around for any pink elephants that he might find I don't know if I should laugh, cry, or start some sort of academy and give you an award that I would name Oscar. Either way, great story. |
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| Reply by: SaintTonyCapone at Jan 12, '09 17:27 | |
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Marietta stares in shock and horror at the transcript of the Rourke origins. After taking a few deep breaths to try and settle her stomach, she looks up at GayPerry and whispers: I'm scared. |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Jan 13, '09 11:43 | |
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| If you're scared about that, you should hear about how PerryRourke got the gay added to his name. We had to burn the snorkel, the chinese fireworks factory, and a herd of shaven albino alpacas. | |
| Reply by: MinxettaRourke at Jan 13, '09 13:40 | |
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Poor alpacas... hmmmm those would be great in my Circus! This story still amazes me I half expected it to go something like. In the year of our Lord 1932 AD VeronicazotzRourke begat ThomasRourke and BrianRourke 1932 AD ThomasRourke and BrianRourke begat..... and so on and so forth |
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| Reply by: Raoul-Duke at Jan 13, '09 14:33 | |
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now now Marietta M'dear, nothing to be scared about, just natures way of natural selection and improving the gene pool... Have some herring on me... its good, I made it myself! |
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| Reply by: Fu-ManjuRourke at Jan 13, '09 16:04 | |
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