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| Jokes and funny stories. | Started by: Hickey on Feb 15, '09 19:04 |
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He throws down his hat, fatigued from a hard days work. The want for something to elevate the mood grows in his mind. He turns on the t.v. Looking through every channel he came across. Killings, drug busts, gambling, and war is all that occupies it. "I get enough of that at work". I has posted his to lighten the situation after St.V day. A lot of people arent happy that they died 100 times. Here I'm going to post a joke or funny story to lighten the situation will your at home alone. Please feel free to affix any jokes or stories that you have heard or encountered in your day to day life. I'll begin, The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. |
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Sao listens to the poems and chuckles a little bit. Good one...I bucked two whores once...but then I had to pay... It's all good fun until they ask for their payment...word to the wise, go with one, instead of two, hookers...You'll save money that way. |
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| Reply by: Sao at Feb 15, '09 19:07 | |
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okay i got one, this joke is also not directed to anyone inparticular So Three men walk into a bar,......Well, i forgot the rest, but your mothers a whore. |
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| Reply by: ITSJUSTAGAME at Feb 15, '09 19:12 | |
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Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Claps loudly Wear a condom, prevent the clap! |
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| Reply by: SirSammyRourke at Feb 15, '09 19:39 | |
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Ron was in big trouble with his wife. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ron has been missing since Friday. |
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| Reply by: Hickey at Feb 16, '09 10:23 | |
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Ron wasn't a very smart man ;) The test. Heaven was too full so it was decided that only people who had died terrible deaths could be let in and St. Peter was standing at the Pearly gates to take the test! Three men stepped forward and St. Peter asked the 1st man how he died? man replies: " I had the suspicion that my wife was cheating on me so I went home early to try and catch her at it. I snuck home but only to find her asleep on the bed, so I searched all the rooms and couldnt find a single soul....... until I went out onto the balcony and there was the dirty bugger hanging onto the railings, my railings!!! so I stamped on his fingers and threw him off but he didn't die because he landed on a large bush, so I went into the kitchen and got my fridge and threw it at him. unfortunatly during the process of throwing the extremely heavy fridge I had a terrible heart atttack and died. St peter lets the man in. St Peter asks the 2nd man what was wrong with his day the 2nd man replied: " I was working out on my 20th floor balcony and slipped off but I managed to somehow catch the railings of the balcony below, but all fo a sudden this crazy guy comes out onto the balcony stamps up and down on my fingers, until they are crushed. I fell screaming but luckly landed on a large bush that saved my life. The last thing i remember is a fridge falling from the sky! St Peter shaking his head, let the poor man into heaven St Peter turned to the last man and asked how he had died? The man replied: "picture this, I'm hiding naked in a fridge...." |
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| Reply by: DonBonano at Feb 16, '09 10:45 | |
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haha very nice. So, Tom and Mark went out hunting one day. Mark had a big suspicion that his wife was cheating on him, and wanted to see for himself from a far in the woods. "do you see anything in my windows?" Mark asked Tom. "yep, shes with another guy alright." replied Tom. By hearing this Mark got really angry, as any normal person would so he said, "My God, well, do you think you could get a shot at them? If you can I want you to shoot her in the head and the guy in the private parts!" Tom replied back saying..."I can get that in one shot." |
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| Reply by: ITSJUSTAGAME at Feb 16, '09 10:54 | |
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This is one of my favourits, hope it brings a smile to your faces. ~DonB sits on an upturned box and motions others to come closer to hear his amsuing story~ Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank Judge #3) Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili... Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy! Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer... Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?" Judge # 3 -- Oh God......... |
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| Reply by: DonBonano at Feb 17, '09 07:04 | |
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After 20 years of doggystyle sex in the dark, the wife discovers her husband has been using a dildo. Outraged, she asked: "Explain the dildo, fucker." The husband replied. "Explain the kids bitch." |
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| Reply by: Carmine_Ttrapani at Feb 17, '09 08:45 | |
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A rich man and a poor man shared the same wedding anniversary and always met up to talk about what they got for their wives. The poor man says to the rich man, "What did you get your wife this year?" The rich man says, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why did you get her both?" The rich man says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can return it in the Mercedes." The rich man asked the poor man, "What did you get your wife this year?" The poor man replied, "I got her a pair of bedroom slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The poor man says, "If she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself." |
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| Reply by: Doc_Santoro at Feb 17, '09 13:56 | |
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Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration: 1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it... is www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com 5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company... www.powergenitalia.com 6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com 7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com 8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com 9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com 10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com |
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| Reply by: Hickey at Feb 17, '09 16:57 | |
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| LoLz at some of these and SirRourkey that clap one made me laugh alot lolz | |
| Reply by: DeathKnight at Feb 17, '09 17:46 | |
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| There are three Prem's in a car - PremShark, PremThePoohBear and straight up Prem, whose driving? | |
| Reply by: Sal_Giaquinto at Feb 17, '09 18:32 | |
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I saw your Momma in the bedroom buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your Momma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it! I grabbed from behind and..." At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk..." |
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| Reply by: Adrian at Feb 17, '09 23:18 | |
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After going back to school from half term. the class teacher sat the class down and one by one, asked them what they did over the holodays the teacher asked the whole class apart from one boy named johnny. so she says Teacher : So johnny, what did you do this half term? Johnny : I cant be arsed to answer miss! Teacher :come on johnny, we all want to hear what you did. *Johnny Sighs* Johnny : ok then! Well me and my friends were shoving bangers up chickens arses. Teacher : Rectum! Johnny : Rectum? Blew 'em to pieces.. |
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| Reply by: SkullCandy- at Feb 18, '09 11:23 | |
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A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that the secret of a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great grandchildren and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. |
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| Reply by: C_Valentino at Feb 18, '09 11:43 | |
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