Last night I was out of the headquarters with the intention to buy an axe or a shovel, honestly any sort of weapon with a long handle and a sharp edge. Instead, I found myself taking a grand tour of the Chicago sewer system. It wasn’t very grand at all, I was lost. Then I found a man, a sewer man, deep in the sewer system. How did I end up here? Who was this sewer man? All excellent questions, let me start from the beginning. 

I left MY Princess’ headquarters (even though MY Princess had made Godfather I had yet to face that my new home was in the basement of Blu_Blank’s headquarters now) just as the sun was setting. I took a walk through Washington Park, cut up 55th St and made my way towards the lake. I pick pocketed a few, sold my heroin in a back alley and even robbed an old lady of her purse. None of these criminal activities could take my mind of  that sexy man beast called Zack_Morris. He was my biggest competition (if the rumors are true ladies, seriously, big) and I needed to take him out. As I thought about this fight to the death with Zack_Morris I didn’t realize where I was going. There was construction going on on Stony Island Ave, it bordered another park I had just cut through. I stepped right into a man hole and fell to my death.

Okay, it was my death. I’ve obviously survived, but it sure felt like my death as I fell for three seconds and hit the hard bottom of the sewer. (#ouch). I found that my body was still intact. I hadn’t lost any limbs, nothing was broken and my head was still attached to my body. As I sat there in the murky water (I hadn’t drowned either, it was possible, the water stood at a few inches) I looked up at the hole I just came through. I felt a little tug on my heart for my mum. It was if the world was showing me what that saint of a woman had gone through when she pushed me out into the world. Now, the world was pushing me to my destiny. I could feel it in every space of my body. I would get that Zack_Morris. I would get him hard and good. 

I stood and still the man hole was high above my head. I could shout, but it was the dead of night, no one was about. I wasn’t going to my destiny the same way I came into it. I dusted myself and drudged forward into the deeps of the Chicago sewers. I walked for hours, but it felt more like days. My stomach rumbled as I passed grates high above that showed my it was day light. Surely people would be out and about, but I was to  weak to shout for any desperate attention. I was also worried how the papers would spin this story into. “Swamp monster found in depths of Chicago sewers.” I’d be a laughing shame back at my new headquarters and MY Princess would surely disown me. I had to get out of this mess by myself, there would be no above ground help. 

It felt like I was going deeper into the ground through the tunnels I followed instead of higher. There was no other option and thankfully I didn’t turn back. Just as I thought I was at my worst I found a makeshift home and this is where I found the sewer man. He had piles of rags on him, he looked old, but still agile. He poked me with his stick. (An actual stick you sickos). I didn’t want a fight and this man looked at least a bit dangerous if not crazy. I tossed my gun to the ground showing that I was not a threat. The man pushed his rags off his head and I saw his face. He stuck out his hand and spoke his name. I didn’t think I heard it quite correctly. It was a strange name. 

“Splinter?” I asked. That’s the name I had heard. 

The man shook his head in a No. I was wrong, but he tried to tell me again. “S….” The attempt was lost from a crash behind him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get it. Splinter?”

Again, the man shook his head no. “Slater” I heard him this time, but before I was able to introduce myself another crash. Then a bang and then everything went dark. 

I felt my body slump to the ground. All that drying off I had done while wadding through the tunnels was for nothing. I would be…. My thought was never finished. I had lost consciousness and then I was regaining it. My eyes fluttered open, but the world was blurry. There were noises around me, I lifted my arm, it was strapped down. I called out.

“I’m not a threat!”

As far as I could tell it was heard upon deaf ears. No one replied to me. I blinked my eyes fast trying to regain any sort of focus and finally, I could see clearly. Then all of a sudden all I could see was a perky little face that I could only hope was attached to a perky little body. Dat ass. The girl had an orange bandana around her black curly hair. 

“Hi! I’m Lisa Turtle!” Was all she said as she kept starring at me. 

“You’re a turtle?” I asked, but before she could reply she was pushed out of the way and another face came into view. 

“Hey!!! I was talking to him Screeech!” It was Lisa Turtle who may actually be a turtle yelling as the new face I could only assume was Screeeeech was now my center of attention. 

“Man this guy smells.” This came from Screeeeeeeech. He wasn’t talking to me. People were always talking about me when I was right in front of them! I just wanted Lisa Turtle, may actually be a real turtle, to come back. She was nice to look at, plus I liked her orange bandana much better than Screeeeeeeeeeech’s purple one. 

“I wanna get a look too.” This was a new voice. Screeeeeeeeech stepped out of the way and the most blue eyes popped into view. Wow. Blue eyes, blue bandana.

“Jessie, don’t get too close, it could bite.” This was Screeeeeeech. Thanks Screeeeeech. Jessie Turtle was giving Lisa Turtle a run for the money. 

Someone was undoing the ties on my hands and ankles. Whoever this person was they spoke words. “Well, it doesn’t look too dangerous. Probably just a lost puppy.” I was not a puppy!

“You’re probably right Belding DaKurlzz.” Thank heavens Lisa Turtle was saving me from whatever monstrosity was to come my way if this group of sewer turtles with their master Slater would have thought negatively of me. 

I sat up. The gang was all in front of me. Lisa Turtle, orange bandana. Screeeeech, purple bandana. Jessie, blue bandana. Belding DaKurlzz, red bandana. I must have taken a head injury while I was in black land (unconscious, not racist) because I was so fascinated with their bandanas. Then I understood their purpose. I looked over the group and they were in the same sort of rags their master Slater was wearing. If the hoods were pulled up they would all look the same. The different colors let them know who was who. Also, they could really be turtles underneath their “suits”. 

I was finally able to introduce myself. They all finally realized I was not a threat. I told them how I had landed in the sewers, on my ass, and why I was even walking around at night. When I mentioned the name Zack_Morris the room became quiet. No one spoke and then all of a sudden everyone was screaming, shouting and being utterly cray cray. 

“Zack_Morris you say?” “That little bitch!” “You found him???” “THAT TWO FACED CHEATER” 

The last one came from Jessie. There was obviously some history there. It wasn’t surprising. Between Kelly_Kapowski and MY Princess, I already knew Zack_Morris was a womanizer. I filled them in about all of that too and my plan. It turned out Kelly_Kapowski was their princess like MY Princess was MY Princess. They had been searching for Kelly far and wide, but never found her. They figured Zack had hid her away from them, it a tall castle. They took to the sewers to wait Zack out. Finally the waiting paid off. 

We were interrupted my a shuffle in the corner. Everyone was in front of me, who was that? I was a bit scared. I asked what it was and Screeeeeech replied.

“Oh, that’s just TyrionLannister, the little bugger is dinner. Do you like small person soup?” 

I didn’t know if small person/people person soup was correct term, but at the same time I wasn’t about to stick around to find out. I had gotten the might be turtle sewer dwellers on my Zack_Morris battle team and asked them where the exit was. I ran for my life just in case TyrionLannister didn’t fill them up.