What you are about to read is 83.7% true, almost none of it is made up, and names have been changed to protect those who are still living. This was given to me by my grandfathers, a list of all of their heroic deeds and whimsical falls, all compiled for the people of this fine Mafia. This is their story...

DUN DUN.

"What are we to do about the dog?"

"Kill him. He can't get away with the things he's doing, shooting agents left and right. We must put a stop to it, even if it means leaving Philadelphia without a rightful owner."

"This dog, he has such a powerful voice. We can-"

"Yes, we can. He must die."

The two men walk away from one another to make a few calls from their insidious lair, after a few moments the deed is already done and the courageous pup is finally killed once and for all. His tiny Buddy body lay dead in the gutter, as the city of Philly once again has no leader to take on what must be done. The animals all eat, and poop, and sleep. Pretty much mostly everything they had been doing even before Buddy had died or was born, but they do it with much, much more sadness. You can almost tell.

After a few days of anarchy the streets of Philly are finally reclaimed by yet another creature. The creature? His name was unknown to most, but one thing was certain. He definitely held much sway within the city and for a while, the creatures knew peace yet again. They allowed him to rule with a brutish, yet classical fist. His top hat swaying valiantly back and forth as he'd ride his trusty steed Sprinkles. Nearly everything was right with the world, until it was not.

"Today, in the great city of Philadelphia we are to hold a credit give-away. One which can only be obtained through blood, sweat, and tears. Many will enter, and only one will leave. We thank you for your cooperation and hope you all have a rousing good game of 'get the credit.' Thank you."

One of the Godfathers had decreed it to be so, and the creature knew what he had to do. He killed his way through many a-men and animal combined, tearing off body parts and eating limbs. He felt indestructible until one damn overly pampered Pomeranian decided it was to stand right in front of the creature. Even Achilles had a heel, and Land Shark, well, he had a pup. He tripped and fell, and when a giant falls, the landing is usually not one to survive.

This time there was no triumphant ending, nobody to take back what was theirs; this was just simply the end. The rain poured and washed away the blood from the scene as the herculean beast laid there. His body intact, but his mind long gone. With that, the tale had ended before it really began. With nobody in control of this great city, what were the people to do? Every city needs a leader...

"I'LL DO IT!" said Revan, and everyone agreed that this was a great idea.

and so our story begins anew.

For those of you who don't enjoy stories, I will make a shortened version: I'm definitely 110% in charge of Philadelphia now and it has been authed by many leaders. They've all been notified by mail and have all definitely agreed. I will accept any donations, and you will be thanked immensely for your help in verse.

I didn't read this yet, but this man is a genius and I support this.

Fascinated by the young man's stagecraft, Curtis stood enthralled at the story and rather incredible proclamation. Warmed by the bold bravery and confident assurance of the lad, he had to say hello.

"My word! You might just be the ground breaking game-changer that city needs! I had high hopes for another young pretender called keenos after his proud declarations but alas he only ascended to a lowly rank before offending the gods and meeting his end.

You however, you show great promise. I have full confidence in your ability to grow to an eligible age, take control of that great city and hold it, all by yourself. I can not foresee a single problem with this plan and will back you wholeheartedly in any way I can, provided it doesn't involve any actual commitment, work or risk on my part."

Walking over to his new favorite person, Curtis puts a generous donation into his pocket.

"There you go lad, get yourself a hot meal and get to work!"

Queens has been notified of this development and supports it whole-heartedly.

Congratulations, Revan.

I'm sorry Revan,

But I'm quite sure the North is my inheritance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHeRnaWMtDk <--- Will be my theme song

I am sorry, my friend Jew. Surely we can work something out which makes all parties happy, as I am practicing much temperance right now. Instead of taking over the entire Americas, I am only asking for one lone city which I have already been given by the many leaders of the Mafia. They have humbled themselves before me, and I hope you will too.

Revan hands the man a matching golden robe.

Wear it, be m​erry. No need to fight, I am a gentle leader. I will not rule as a tyrant but as a friend, a friend who will shoot you if you step out of line and do anything not on my list of acceptable things to do™ which will be posted at a later date. So, please, do not fight with me and claim things. Just be happy and follow my lead. 

He jumps into the air and extends his hand for a high five.

MR. RÉGIS appears from the crowd. showing his hands he approaches Revan, before whispering.

sir, this is a bold move. in fact, you have inspired me to take a chance of my own, in this land - when i am ready... i hope to lend your ear one day. it is quite a distance from philadeliphia - but let's keep our options open & maybe there are business opportunities that we could share in the future. i will reach the peak of the mountain.

with one hand, MR. RÉGIS reaches for his inside jacket pocket - keeping his other hand free, to show he has now ulterior motives. he reveals a relatively sturdy business card & places it in Revan's open palm.

bonne journée!

TheSorryJew jumps into the air too, sees Revan extend his hand and sees it as a assault. He quickly punches Revan in the face and flees.

'I'll be back!'

He covers his nose and shouts to his guards before quickly realizing he has yet to employ any guards, stuffing his nose with the golden robe that was intended for the Jew, he pulls out a tiny pad and scribbles a few notes.

1. Get Guards.

2. Buy a red robe!?

3. OWN A SQUIRREL?

Once he's happy with his new ideas he pulls the bit of the robe from his nose and holds his head up into the sky, looking at the mighty sun before realizing that is terrible for your eyes. After rubbing them for a few moments and waiting for the black patches to clear up from his peripheral, Revan walks down the street and begins to make note of his new men.

"People of the Philadelphia, as you can see not everyone is receptive to the idea that I am a leader of men. They are not receptive of the idea that I hold great sway within the city. They are not receptive of my task at hand, nor are they receptive of the way I deal with it. These people are entitled to their opinion, of course, but with great fervor I promise you that I am not a man which will hold idly by and allow such transgression. I am not a man who will allow my cheek to be slapped without returning it tenfold, and I have not now or will I ever, make a promise I do not keep. For if a man is in power and allows other men to be powerful, is he a man at all? If a man holds the respect of many and allows another to hold the same level of respect, is he a man at all? and uh, other stuff, too. I'm bored now."

He hops up into the arms of his new friends and followers alike and waits for the Jew to return with whatever resistance he may have, building an army of paper airplanes to defend himself with. He then remembers something and stops his hard work, motioning over a boy to come do something for him.

"Go out and buy me ten of the strongest guard you can find. Take this $20, spend it wisely."

"But... sir... where do I..."

"SILENCE! I am busy here!"

Revan goes back to building as the boy waddles off to complete his task, surely there is nothing Revan cannot do...