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| Success, the Deadpool Way! | Started by: Deadpool on Mar 16, '09 13:12 |
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Are you struggling in life, floundering about like a fish on a Hibachi grill? Sure, if you may accidentally flop off the grill, but then where are you? I'll tell you where: the fire. Your life is still worth only two things: jack and shit. And Jack just left town. You need to get back into the water and that's where I come in. My name is Deadpool and I have helped thousands of people just like you take control of their lives and find success. My simple program will help you succeed in such a way that your neighbors will come over to your house and ask, "How the hell are you doing this? You are a golden god!" Let me tell you my story. Four years ago, I was a nobody, just like you. One day, I found myself chained to a wall in my basement, 300 pounds overweight, eating cat food out of a can. It was then that I thought to myself: "Wouldn't it be great if I could pay someone to fix my life?" So, I cleaned up my act, and here I am now. I can hear you now. "How did you do that? I've tried similar programs and I'm still not the ultra-successful-studmuffin you are!" That's right, you're not. Let's hear some testimonials. I'd like you to meet Marietta. Here's her story: Marietta: " Two years ago, my boyfriend dumped me, despite my outrageous success and practically omniscient power. I was so emotionally torn, I couldn't run my organization. I had to sit around and wallow in my ridiculous wealth. Then, I met Deadpool." That's right, when someone dumps you, you feel like a little fly, and they've just ripped your wings off. I give you the tools to staple those wings back to your thorax so you can fly back to that someone else and digest their skin with your acidic saliva. How do we do that? First, we teach you to associate pain with your bad behavior. Using our special Deadpool brand spiked clubs, you'll learn that your negative traits actually hurt. A lot. Lost money in a drug deal? It hurts. Gained three hundred pounds and chained yourself to a wall in your basement? Endless pain. After you've learned about pain, we use the same technique to build you up again. Marietta: "I had never felt such intense pain. Once, I shed a tear over the loss of an associate. Deadpool's clinicians beat me senseless, without any breakage of bones. I was bruised in places I didn't know would bruise. But I haven't cried since. " After you're strong, I use my incredible charisma and charm to hypnotize you and get you to pay me. Marietta: "I gave him a million dollars. I don't know why. He may be the devil." I am not the devil. But I can get you to turn your life around, without permanent physical damage. You can get off that Hibachi grill, out of the fire, off the kitchen counter, across the tile floor, out the door, down the street, on the bus, across the beach, and back into the ocean where you belong! |
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It's true. It's all very, unfortunately and sadly true. Tries to weep for the injustice of it all, but Marietta finds that still, to this day, the fear of getting beaten repeatedly hinders her from producing one salty, wet tear. |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Mar 17, '09 13:48 | |
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