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| More Letters to A Godmother (By Deadpool) | Started by: Deadpool on Mar 17, '09 12:58 |
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Once more, my correspondence with Marietta "Martini &" Rossi is revealed to the public. Letter #1: Dear Marietta, Have you actually been on the Detroit streets? What exactly is that smell? And where do you get these women? I've never seen a prostitute with more scars. While visiting, I got food poisoning twice, syphilis once, and I might be missing a kidney. I'd be safer sleeping on a train track. I would like full reimbursement for the medical costs I underwent, as well as the cost of replacing any organs I might have lost. Thank you, Deadpool Reply #1: Dear Deadpool, That smell on the streets of Detroit is the smell of money, baby. We pump it in, so you associate the smell with the city and you want to return. Our women come from two sources: the free clinic downtown and the women's pro golf association. As for your food poisoning, I would guess that you bought a hot dog from a street vendor. Those are made out of stray cats. I would get checked out for parasites, too. As for your missing kidney, one of my army of midgets brought me the kidney in a jar. He told me he found it. As such, I have already eaten it, with a nice chianti and a side of fava beans. In the future, I suggest not leaving it lying around. Thank you, you tasty man, Marietta |
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| lmao. this is so frickin hilarious!! | |
| Reply by: Red at Mar 17, '09 20:08 | |
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haha i agree Note to self, when in Detroit look out for Marietta's army of midgets. |
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| Reply by: Higgs_Boson at Mar 17, '09 20:40 | |
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Letter #2: Dear Ms. Rossi, I am Kuma Mufassa-al Deadpool, a Nigerian Prince. I write this letter to you because I am knowing that you are the powerful American businesswomen with many dollars to your name. In my country womens do not get to own monies. I am attempting to escape the current regime of the evil dictator Kofi al Jazeera, who has usurped by thone. I have 1.7 million dollars US that I need to get out of my country. In order to ship such a large amount of cash, I need 3.4 million dollars. That is where you come it. If you are to send me the 3.4 million dollars, I will then be splitting the 1.7 million dollars I wire out of my country with you when I am arrived at the US. Please be on the advised that I will be eternally greatful when I am political asylumed in your country. Again, please wires the 3.4 million as soon as possible, as lived nay be in the balance. Sincley, Prince Deadpool. Dear Prince Deadpool, Here is the first installment into out investment plan. Please find $1.27 enclosed. You may go a head and wire me the cash. Love, Marietta. |
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| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 17, '09 21:10 | |
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Letter #3: Dearest Marietta, Once again, I found myself heartbroken, having once again been denied your affections. As I sit outside your house in my car, I wonder how someone like you can consistently reject someone like me. I realize that you must have other suitors, but how many of them have spent a week outside your house in a car, without leaving once? How many of them have broken into your house, repeatedly, just to steal your underwear to snuggle with? How many of the other men who pursue you have carved their name into the hood of your car, smashed your windows, and kidnapped your dog? How many times have they exposed themselves publicly to you? How many, I ask? If you do not return my affection, I will not be discouraged. I will continue to pursue you, at any cost. Deadpool P.S. Your security staff is easily bribed with cake. Reply #3: Dear Deadpool, First and foremost, I would like my silk thong underwear back. Those things are expensive. I don't really have any to spare. Also, I'd like to thank you for informing me of the gaps in my security. Cake has been banned from my estate. Normally, I would see this kind of activity as flirtatious, but ever since you mailed my dog back to me in pieces, my bodyguard is working around the clock. I realize that, as you said on the note, it was cheaper to mail that way, but also, it made the dog slightly dead. I also appreciate the flowers you've been sending to me, but I would also like to tell you that accosting the delivery-man and replacing the card with one of your own does not count as sending me flowers. Love and Kisses, Marietta |
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| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 17, '09 22:01 | |
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| Brilliant | |
| Reply by: waylander at Mar 18, '09 00:04 | |
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Deadpool I have fallen in love with your letters I cannot wait for more |
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| Reply by: Shagtastic at Mar 18, '09 00:47 | |
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| These letters are making me lololololol everytime i read them. I hope you get a letter number 4 up soon. | |
| Reply by: Dah_Kurlzz at Mar 18, '09 00:51 | |
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Letter #4: Dear Marietta, I am six feet, six inches tall, making me the world's tallest midget. I have performed in many different venues in both America and Europe. I will perform in the traveling circus known as your crew for up to an hour a show, jumping, running, driving a car, riding a horse, and generally being the life of the party. During my show, I undergo forty-seven costume changes, I eat fire, swallow swords, tame lions, ride elephants, jump from a tightrope, and I'm shot out of a cannon. I sing, I dance, I hum, I bark, I oink, I play the harmonica with my nose and the trumpet with my ass. All of this I can do for your crew for the small fee of one hundred million dollars a night. I am truly a one of a kind act, as there are no other midgets anywhere near my size. Yours Truly, Deadpool the Tall Reply #4: Dear Mr. The Tall, While your show sounds wonderful, I regret to inform you that I do not run a traveling circus, but rather a criminal empire. The midgets I have in my employee are pickpockets, as, due to child labor laws, I cannot hire children to pick pockets. I apologize for crushing your dreams, but I wish you the best of luck. Also, if you don't mind, get your elephants off my lawn. Between the elephants and my lawyers, my lawn is covered in shit. Sincerely, Marietta |
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| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 18, '09 02:01 | |
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| lol, i love That last line Marietta said. That made me smile. :D | |
| Reply by: Dah_Kurlzz at Mar 18, '09 03:33 | |
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Hey, I love those CatDogs... Get it?! |
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| Reply by: Doomtooth at Mar 18, '09 04:48 | |
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Letter #5: Dear Ms. Rossi, I have both a complaint and a question of etiquette. While visiting one of your fine Detroit illegal gambling houses, I suddenly felt the need to evacuate my bladder. I made my way to the men's room, walked in the door, and found an employee threatening a non-paying customer. Normally, I might have just turned and left the room, but in this case, I had consumed countless scotches, a few whiskies, a glass of iced tea, and a cup or so of coffee. As you know, both alcohol and caffeine are diuretics, so my "urge to purge" was rather intense. I decided to "shake hands with the president" anyway and I was partially unzipped, when your employee began to assault the non-paying customer. He hit him in the face, then shoved his head into the urinal I was about to use. The man slumped to the floor in front of the urinal, resting his head against the bowl. He was unconscious, and your employee walked into the stall with the toilet to have a bowel movement. My question is this: should I have moved the man out from in front of the urinal before I "drained the lizard"? Or should I have just arced the stream over the top of his head? I'm sure there is a rule of etiquette for such a situation, but I am unsure of it. As I had already begun to "see a man about a horse," I had my hands full, so I just attempted to arc the stream over the top of his head. This turned out to be a win-win situation, as I was able to finally relieve myself and he regained consciousness. Also, I would appreciate it if, in the future, your employees would wash their hands after using the toilet. Yours truly, Deadpool Reply #5 Dear Mr. Deadpool, I am awfully relieved that you were relieved. I apologize for the behavior of my employee, a food server/enforcer at my illegal gambling establishment. He should have shoved the man's head into the toilet, not the urinal. I believe that his decision was based on the fact that he needed to "build a log cabin." Not wanting to occupy the toilet, he subsequently used the urinal for the man's head, an understandable reaction, as you would agree. As for the etiquette of the situation, my understanding is that common male etiquette would have been to turn and "syphon the python" into the sink. However, mitigating circumstances considered, I'd say you did the right thing. Thank you for your comments, we hope to see you again in Detroit. Sincerely, Marietta (Martini &) Rossi |
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| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 18, '09 07:43 | |
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| Deadpool these letters are fantastic. Keep up the good work. | |
| Reply by: Aphotic_Bulldog at Mar 18, '09 08:51 | |
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Letter #6: Dear Marietta, This year, as my New Years Resolution, I plan on planting a community garden in Detroit. My plan is to place this garden in the approximate area of your front lawn. The garden will have tomatoes, pumpkins, watermelons, squash, okra, peppers, potatoes, onions, green beans, corn, broccoli, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, artichokes, asparagus, and pot. Also, we will plant many flowers, like poppies and weed. I would like some assistance in plowing up your driveway. Please advise. Deadpool Reply #6 Dear Deadpool, Unfortunately, I cannot plow up my driveway. Perhaps you should find another place for your community garden. Marietta Letter #7: Dear Marietta, That's fine, as I hid the bodies and the money under your driveway, anyway. Whatever you do, don't dig it up. Deadpool Reply #7: Dear Deadpool, The FBI was here this morning digging up my driveway. They found nothing. You might as well plant the garden now, as the driveway is gone. I suppose that this was a win-win situation for you, as my driveway is now gone and you got the FBI to do your work for you. Congratulations. However, realize that I buried all the records of my criminal empire under your apartment building in Los Angeles. Also, I left evidence in your car, somewhere. You'd have to completely destroy the car to find it, but it's absolutely incriminating. Enjoy the Feds, Marietta |
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| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 19, '09 10:22 | |
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| these letters amazing | |
| Reply by: YOUNG_DOUGI3 at Mar 19, '09 21:36 | |
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| I love Marietta's serious responses to your ridiculous letters. Keep them coming :] | |
| Reply by: Ember at Mar 19, '09 23:54 | |
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| Yeah these letters are pretty ridiculous, but yet very entertaining and amusing. I need to read more, I need more entertainment. | |
| Reply by: The_Messiah at Mar 20, '09 02:54 | |
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This is quite an enjoyable read. In reference to letter #4 we have a resident "sword" swallower, Brian Rourke. He performs his act for packs of cigarettes in the basement. His clients are usually the visiting Japanese businessmen that Marietta is extorting money from. He then catches what is shot out of the "cannon" in a sippy cup. |
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| Reply by: Vic_Vaselino at Mar 20, '09 05:49 | |
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Letter #9: Dear Marietta, Please accept my heartfelt congratulations on your pregnancy. Truly, a child is a blessing upon your family. I wish only the best for your pregnancy. As a self-made health care professional, I would like to offer you some advice during what can be a trying period of your life. First, you're going to be huge. Moreover, people will tell you how huge you are, constantly. Normal social cues are pushed to the side and people will comment on your size, every chance they get. You'll hear comments like "are you have triplets, are you due tomorrow, you're going to pop, you're the size of a barge," and many others. Second, people will touch your enormous abdomen. Being pregnant is an invitation to be fondled by strangers. You'll hear things like "can I feel it kick?" You might also hear, "my, but your breasts are firm." Third, you're going to go through some hormonal events. One minute, you'll be a bitch, the next, you'll be a mega-bitch. And lastly, remember that you have a small human living inside you, much like a parasitic growth. Enjoy the pregnancy. Love, Deadpool Reply #9: Deadpool, I'll say this once. I am not pregnant. Regardless of what you've heard. And if you say that you haven't heard anything, you're a dead man. Marietta |
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| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 21, '09 13:09 | |
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