Hail Batiatus of the House of Batiatus. I come to you all today bearing the gift of tale! Tales of intrigue and deceit, victory and tragedy! So often in this world, stories of great significance go untold, the past couple of days serving as example. It was brought to my attention that the masses are often eager to hear such tales, yet with so few left alive in the aftermath of these past few days, who will immortalize this significant time in our history books?

Batiatus smells OPPORTUNITY! What better way to appeal to the masses and to elevate my own status, if not by rank then by political posturing, than to win the people over by the sharing of epic story! When your children and your children's children search the annuls for this chapter in our history, it will be Batiatus's words that mark the fucking occasion! "Gratitude to Batiatus!" they will exclaim!

Our tale begins with HandsomeRob, a man whose conquest was executed in a manner the likes of which I nor my ancestors before me have ever fucking seen! HandsomeRob served under the late Godfather -Draven- and one day approached her with plans of glory. He expressed to -Draven- his intentions to dethrone Godfather Genocide and strike his captains down, to claim the savage city of Detroit as his own. -Draven- refused his request, and ordered him slain! An attempt was made on HandsomeRob's life. HandsomeRob then dropped from his Godfather's employ and murdered Manu, the man who sat to her Right. Treachery!

Shortly after, HandsomeRob was declared a rogue by his former Godfather. Godfather Genocide and his captains Johnny_Bravo and SebasianSky were cut down. Some of the details regarding their death remain blurry, plagued with rumor of conspiracy, outside parties and Plumber involvement. Regardless of fucking rumor, the night ended with HandsomeRob declaring victory, and himself as the new acting ruler of Detroit, transcending beyond that of mere fucking mortal to that of a GLADIATOR!

However his reign as acting Godfather was cut short. The next day, HandsomeRob was killed by the feared and mighty Don CristianoRonaldo! "Hail CristianoRonaldo!" was often trumpeted by the masses, as he was a ruler who led a long and prosperous life of conquests and glory. Later that day, he too was slain in an unfortunate manner in the midst of even more chaos, as the warrior Zack_Morris, who also dropped himself from the employ of Godfather -Draven-, wreaked fucking havoc across our land! The streets ran red with the blood of Don CristianoRonaldo, Don BoxCutterPazzy, and even Zack_Morris's own Godfather, the fair lady -Draven- until Zack_Morris too met his fate and was sent on his way to the heavens to join the others.

Good people of the Mafia, revered criminals, while some may applaud the actions of these men and women, allow me, Batiatus of the House of Batiatus, to ask that we also mourn those noble men and women that lost their lives in the field of fucking battle! My heart goes out to all who perished! Not only to those who will be remembered for their glory but those whose ends were marred with tragedy as well.

The most tragic of which being Godfather -Draven-, the leftover bodyguards from her ceremonial TylerDurden battle not even having been placed fully in the ground before her reign as Godfather came to an end. One could say she was the catalyst in the series of unfortunate events that transpired over the passed two days, having been the one who placed the order to kill HandsomeRob which led to his subsequent rogue and the death of her Right Hand Man. It was an evening of misfortune and insult.  But the fucking of ass did not stop there. Shortly after, she was told by powers higher than herself that all further attempts to slay HandsomeRob were to cease! Obediently, she rescinded her orders and called off the assault, leaving her Right Hand Man unavenged. Embarrassment! Then to add insult to fucking injury, HandsomeRob made demand of her that word be sent out that he was indeed NOT a rogue! -Draven- did as instructed, as if the Gods of Jupiter themselves handed her a plate of shit to dine upon and a bucket of piss to wash down the fucking taste. I wept great tears of sadness and sympathy. Further mourning followed when the very next day she met her demise by yet another member of her district, Zack_Morris.  Slain by her own hierarchy much like Brutus and fucking Caesar! I offer my condolences to her, and wish -Draven- peace in the afterlife. I hope that her daughter can someday rise to prominence like her mother before her. Hail Godfather -Draven-!

I ask that you join me in my mourning of these noble men and women, and that you not let their stories be soon fucking forgotten! "Hail HandsomeRob! Hail CristianoRonaldo! Hail Genocide, his captains and the fallen of Detroit! Hail ALL those who spilled their blood in the name of glory! And HAIL BATIATUS for bringing this story to the fucking forefront of our fine streets! I ask you show gratitude in the form of generous fucking tip, so that I may further elevate the status of The House of Batiatus in the annuls of history! And with that, good people of the Mafia, I retreat to my quarters for further mourning.  May the Gods of Jupiter rain blessing upon you all.

After hearing Batiatus speak of the happenings over the last few days Heathro decides to pipe up..

I best keep this short.. First I must address those that have fallen, may you rest peacefully every single one of you that cherished over the past few days due to this sudden out break of warfare. That being said, I for one completely support this post and wish these happenings not go forgotten any time soon! I want my children, my children's' children and even their children to look back and read about the downfall of the man named HandsomeRob.. some look at him in despair and angry, well I see a man that wanted a change! instead of waiting and being given the opportunity he arose and took it for the taki...

Heathro suddenly stops speaking and notices the many agutated faces steering at him and decides to hold back the rest of his opinion.. now drifting to the back of the crowd as fast as he had sprung

He does indeed tell quite the tale, does he not. However, it that his story requires some revision following the revelation by Cristiano Ronaldo's son, Cristian, that Draven and his father's fates were sealed by others than Zack Morris. 

Ah yes Sigyn, the most unfortunate demise of Godfather -Draven-... I still weep at the thought and wish death upon those who hurl mockery at her reign. But even more importantly than that, I have brought great shame upon the House of Batiatus with my inaccuracies regarding the -Draven- shooting blunder, if it was indeed done in error. I hope the good criminals of the Mafia shower me with forgiveness like piss from cock, as while my information was incorrect, my intentions were noble and not deliberately false.

As for my account of CristianoRonaldo's death, I shall stand by my words, vague as they were. Even by the young Cristian's account, I spoke no untruths about his father's fall. As to his reasoning behind his father's actions in the killing of -Draven-, I fear we may never know how or why that came to pass. But that is not for a man of my lowly station to speculate.