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| The Chronicle - Issue Three | Started by: Marietta on Apr 25, '09 01:02 |
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THE CHRONICLE Your Underground Newspaper of Choice ~*~*~ Three issues already? Time is flying by at an alarmingly fast rate. Almost creepy, if you think about it. I try not to with how old I am. This issue was a little last minute and a little late (blame "Detroit is Crazy Week"!), but we managed to pull together all the last minute obituaries and articles and finish everything! Holy crap, yay! Once more, enjoy your read. Hope everything is up to scratch for all you Ladies and Gents! Regards, Marietta Editor ~~~ Breaking News Something That Totally Just Happened Before We Went to Print There was nothing that happened before we went to print. Come on guys, step it up. ~~~ New in the Eight Cities Bringing You Chatter from the Underworld Chicago: Chicago is taking it easy this week. Nicky passed around advertisements for the businesses in the final chapter of his business contest. Detroit: Detroit was hit with a new Don in the form of Captain Death-Knight, leader of the Enigma. This past week they also lost one time Captain and Don LouisGato, who headed into an early retirement. Earlier in the week Godmother Marietta threatened a few cities, only to follow it up two days later with a festival called "Detroit is Crazy Week". A multitude of contests were opened by the Godmother, her associates, Captain Cruel and New York. Be sure to take part! Las Vegas: The Sin City's Don, MacLeod, announced his Sports Betting business in the Streets this past week. Los Angeles: All's quiet on the Western front in California. New Orleans: Sal_Giaquinto, former Right Hand to Godfather Jimmy, was authorized to set up his own crew once more. Shortly thereafter he made the rank of Don. Munchkin created a contest in The Streets to help her locate some of her lost items. New York: Busy busy New York! Former Don to Godfather ThomasRourke Noir set up his own family within city limits this past week. Shortly thereafter he and other current city leaders Premeir, Phantom_Ghost and Caius gave a presentation to the Eight Cities on how they now deal with rule breakers, specifically that of their New Rule on shooting under 48s. Philadelphia: Godfather Jimmy gave a sharp reminder to the other cities this past week about payment on his City Tax for Made Man and higher entrance to Philly and New Orleans. Captain Giovanni also made the esteemed rank of Don. Saint Louis: It is rumored that RourkeyRourke was the first Mafiosi to set foot in the new city, but shortly thereafter the airports for passage in were closed. What did Rourkey do to make STL already so unfriendly towards other city travelers? ~~~ Crazy Flight Patterns Cross Country Flights Now Fuckin' Expensive! Earlier this week it was rumored that the airport unions were going to go on strike. It seems that this was all resolved with a new contract agreement between members of the Underworld and the biggest major airlines in America, one that was signed this very morning. As we already receive a discount on airfaire for being in This Thing of Ours, airport officials, after huge negotations with City Hall and the Gods, have declared that cross country flights would no longer be available to Mafiosi at the discounted price they have been using for years. Keep this in mind when you are flying from coast to coast. Prices are cheaper if you make a pit stop at one of the midwest cities, such as New Orleans, Detroit or Chicago, but if you are planning on flying from New York to Las Vegas you will be seeing a fairly large dent in your wallet. Airline unions are satisfied with this agreement, stating that they will now be able to better serve their passengers, rather than rushing well known Mobsters and their scads of bodyguards onto last minute flights for little to nothing in return. ~~~ Money Makes the World Go Round Need Money? Tama Can Supply! Many of us should know by now that money is a big staple to our respective businesses. Yet often times there are mobsters who are infamous for their lack of cash, who can never seem to catch a break at the casinos or are always endlessly in debt. Never again! As you look around you will often see businesses with signs in their windows, or overhear one associate to another, all saying the same thing: "I took a loan from TamaRourke". Who is Tama? And what does he do? TamaRourke works for Godfather ThomasRourke in New Rourke, uh, York. He offers loans to the average broke mobster (ie- you) and only charges thirty percent interest in the process. With such low fees his business was guaranteed to be a hit. Thus far, it has been! Many notable members of This Thing of Ours have taken personal loans from the Tamashark, and have found the business to be a pleasurable and painless experience. If you're tired of being poorer than a bag of turnips, contact TamaRourke today for details on his loan business! ~~~ Advice from Amy Questions? She Can Answer! Advice Column by Amy Annie Moose Q: Hello Amy, Who is going to get auth in Saint Louis? I've heard many rumors, but I want to clear it up with someone who might be in the know, or someone who can obtain that information. What do you think? Thanks, Curious Like a Cat A: That's Why Your Friends Call You Whiskers, Even if I knew, I wouldn't say a peep. I think my life is worth more than the massive onslaught of destruction that would rain down upon me. Godfather Justice. Shudders. The best course of action is just to wait and be patient. I'm guaranteed at the end of the day we won't be disappointed with what everyone decides! Enjoy the sun, Amy If you would like to write to Amy, please send a letter to Advice from Amy, Care of Marietta ~~~ New York's New Rule Under 48s and the City That Never Sleeps Opinion Editorial by Marietta The under 48 rule. Most of you don't like it. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I'm sure almost ninety percent of the hitters out there detest the restriction. Yet hate it or not, you do have to respect it. This is a universal rule, one that every city abides by. Even though the punishments differ from locale to locale, the rule is you just don't shoot at an under 48 hour, unsponsored gangster or you're pretty much fucked. Personally, I have the people in my city killed if they break the rule. No, it's not because I don't care about my hitsquad. No, I don't value the gangster's life over my associate's. All of that is just crap. I do, however, firmly believe in a few key traits that make all the difference in the skill of a hitter: patience, ability to take orders, and above all self-control. New York City, this past week, went and took the rule one step further. They not only announced that they are firm believers in upholding the under 48 rule, but that the activity has been banned from New York all together. Leaders Premeir, Phantom_Ghost, Noir and Caius came together to create a project demonstrating that anyone who is found killing an underage gangster in their city will be killed by New York hands, regardless of rhyme or reason. For that I must applaud them. Waking up in the morning and seeing those young faces in the early edition newspaper obituaries is enough to make an old woman's heart sink. The fact that these men are doing their best to eliminate needless killing gains them both my heartfelt congratulations and respect. Bravo, New York. Bravo. ~~~ Famous Mobster Sightings Who, What, When, Where and Why Curious about what the more famous of our world get up to during the week? Here's a look at what we here at the Chronicle were able to capture. Don from Las Vegas, MacLeod, shaking a child in the park for writing upon one of his school books. He was heard screaming "BLASPHEMY! OUTRAGEOUS!" Donato_Tagliano, New York Mobster, buying a dapper suit from a well known NYC designer! Detroit citizen Hustle, conning people out of their money on a street corner using a rigged card game. Working for Munchkin out of New Orleans, MonologueDiVa, using the picture window of a stationary shop as a mirror to fix her hair. Scene_Kid, New York Mafiosi, chasing pigeons in a circle around Central Park. Left Hand to Don Nicky of Chicago, Adrian, sitting in a cafdrinking tea and reading a copy of The Chronicle! Las Vegas Mobster Riddle562, carrying a briefcase with a large sum of money. Was seen pricing cars at a Detroit Dodge factory! RourkeyRourke, Left Hand to Godmother Marietta of Detroit, talking to his beard and the Moon outside of The Redemption Nightclub. ~~~ Restaurant Review of the Week Under the Scope: Sick Leave Our reviewer took a leave of absence this week. Hopefully we will see them back in time for next week's edition. If you want to have your restaurant reviewed, or have been a patron of an exceptional business, remember to contact Marietta with the information, and she'll be sure to tip off the reporter! ~~~ Own a business? Want some free advertising? Contact Godfather Marietta today and your company could be featured in the next issue of The Chronicle! ~~~ Interview with a Leader This Week: New York's Godfather ThomasRourke Interview by Reporter Miss R. Each week the Chronicle will be interviewing leaders they find interesting or that have done something to impact the Underworld in some way. These leaders will be asked several questions about their career, personal life, as well as their plans for the future. Below is the transcript of the interview with Godfather ThomasRourke. Hope you enjoy! Ms. R: Good afternoon, Godfather. Thank you for being able to clear your schedule today! Thomas: My secretary, Fork, was able to make sure I could answer questions today so really it is him that should be given your thanks. For the full transcript of this interview, please turn to Section A-5. ~~~ This Week in LCN History Mobster Events of the Past Ever wonder what the Mafiosi of yester-year were up to? In this new segment we will be showing you just what they were up to during the semi-quiet week of April 17th through the 23rd. April 17th: Then Chicago and New York Leaders, Numbers4Glory (Sindacato Dei Numeri) and PrinceofCheese (L'Esercito del Formaggio) respectively, decided to eliminate then Los Angeles leader El_Nino and his family (The Lost Souls). April 17th: PrinceofCheese 'wackbacks' on a gangster and dies. April 19th: Then Boss ranked Mobster Alfonzo is authorized to start his business in New Orleans. He opens the doors to his HQ and family, The Disciples. April 19th: Former Captain to PrinceofCheese, j0ngott1 (BoldSlanty) becomes the new head of NY. Deviant is named his new Captain (L'Esercito del Formaggio). j0n renames his family 'I Scopatale Della Madre'. ~~~ The Chronicle presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Overly Self-Involved Crew Leader. (Mr. OverlySelfInvolvedCrewLead-AH!) Street presence? Working hard? Leading a family? Who needs that? You have a bold suit that you were obviously born to wear. (Hey I'm feeling pretty boldyyyyyyyy!) Narcissistic, outspoken. Annoying. A complete and utter ass. Yet your mantra is "what's wrong with a little self love?" (My ass looks good in these paaaants!) You treat other crew leaders with disdain, and why should you not? They should be down on all fours, worshipping the very ground you walk upon. (Treat me like a KIIIIIIIIIIING!) So have yourself a nice, hot mug of coffee, Arrogant Asshole. Whenever you're around the rest of us will never feel second-best. (Mr. Overly Self-Involved Crew Leaaaaaaadeeeeeeer!) ~~~ Weather What Your Local Forecast is Saying Spring is here, spring is here! But is it spring where you are? Take a gander below and see what your weekend holds! Chicago: Friday will be partly cloudy with tons of wind, followed up by similar weather on Saturday. Sunday brings in more wind and scattered thunderstorms. Detroit: Look out for a partly cloudy weekend, with wind and thunderstorms moving in on Sunday much like Chicago. Las Vegas: Partly cloudy and windy through Saturday with a nice showing of sun just in time for Sunday! Los Angeles: A bit of clouds on Friday that break up around Saturday afternoon. Expect a strong amount of sun the rest of the weekend! New Orleans: An entirely cloudy weekend, Nawlins! At least those storms are done with! New York: Expect a very sunny weekend, with a small showing of clouds on Saturday morning that of course burn off to make way for more sun! Philly: Much like the other East Coast city New York, bask in the glory of a sunny weekend. Saint Louis: Cloudy and windy the entire weekend. Not a good start for the newest Underworld City- as far as weather goes. ~~~ Topic of the Week What's on Everyone's Mind? Every week we will ask seven people, one from every heavily populated crime city, to fill out a questionnaire, asking for their opinions on the subject at hand. They will be asked three questions each, and we at the Chronicle expect to receive a variety of responses! The subject of the week: Due to all the fuss in the Streets, the topic this week is "Rogues". (Answers were posted in the order they were received.) How do you feel about rogues? BobMarley, New York: Rogues are bad for economics and Business. My bloodline has never went rogue or supported one and think its one of the biggest slap in the face to all leaders. For the rest of this article, please turn to Section B-3. ~~~ Detroit Has Gone Crazy You Can Say That Again! In an almost unbefitting attitude, Godmother Marietta of Detroit was seen earlier this week in the Streets, threatening the lives of mobsters in several select crime cities. Days later, in almost a complete one-eighty of mood proportions, Marietta, her family upper structure, several of her Captains and New York have teamed up to run a "carnival" or "festival" out of the Motor City. Why the change of heart? When asked, Godmother Marietta merely stated, "Crazy Week has been in planning for quite some time now. It was just unfortunate timing on my part that I had lost my temper to prove my point just days before the unveiling ceremonies." What's on the agenda for Crazy Week, then? Several contests, stemming from story telling, memoir writing all the way down to poetry creations and naming Godfather Rourke's family are on the agenda. Though none of those contests have ended, the due date for all at 00:00 on May 1st, one contest has already successfully been completed. In what was deemed the "opening ceremony", Detroit bestowed one million dollars each upon four lucky, random men in the city limits during a five hour jailing 'spree'. Scarface-TM, StripheVenzetti, Noir and Riddle562 were lucky enough to be the first receipients of Detroit's money. Only time will tell who will be walking away with the rest of the twenty-million in prize money. ~~~ Obituaries and Retirements Rest In Peace A section where we respectfully honor and highlight the lives lost of those Made Rank and up. theman A Made Man for The Lollipop Guild, theman's life ended after two months of service to New Orleans. The man's funeral was small, yet in attendance was former Boss Munchkin stating "It is unfortunate your time in this life had come to an end in your eyes." Sleep sweet, theman. For the rest of the obituaries, please turn to Section C-5. ~~~ Money Money Money Money Give Away The Editor has too much money than she knows what to do with sometimes. What better way than to reward readers of The Chronicle? Everyone who purchased a copy of the paper last week had their personal information taken down by one of our salesmen. Their names were put into a hat, and three names were drawn. These three people will all become winners of 100K each! And this week's winners were... Persian, Sam_Gianca and AngelaBaker Congratulations! The money has been wired to your bank accounts. Enjoy! Remember to buy your copy of The Chronicle. You never know- next week you would be a winner! ~~~ Horoscopes Since They're So Friggin Popular Want to know what the week holds? Well we can't tell you that. Get a glimpse about how it might turn out, though: Aries (March 21st through April 19th): Don't get frustrated with how hard everything seems to be to resolve, Mafiosi. Try your best to balance your inner feelings with practicality, especially when approaching business matters. You're a passionate person, but you don't need to be all the time! To find your horoscope, please turn to Section D-7! ~~~ Thank you for reading the third edition of The Chronicle! Our staff really hopes you enjoyed it! We are always available to answer your questions at any time. Please contact the editor, Marietta, with any concerns you may have. Editor: Marietta If you would like to write for the Chronicle, please contact Marietta for more information and to set up an interview asap! Visit us in the coffee shops in #detchron |
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Sal reads about himself and smiles. Good times, good times. :) |
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| Reply by: Sal_Giaquinto at Apr 25, '09 01:11 | |
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Great read ma'am. left me wanting more! |
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| Reply by: BlueSunday at Apr 25, '09 01:28 | |
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| An interesting read once again, Marietta, and as was revealed in the interview of the mightiest Rourke, an early congratulations to Odd and Mr. Pollitt on their imminent move out to St. Louis. | |
| Reply by: Alfieri at Apr 25, '09 01:29 | |
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| Second time in the paper, alright! | |
| Reply by: Sam_Giancana at Apr 25, '09 01:29 | |
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My apologies- I was rushed to print and forgot to double check one small detail. In the article "New in the Eight Cities", under the section of New York it should read:
My apologies to Don Noir for my oversight in the first place, and congratulations once more to your winning one million dollars in the Motor City Jail Bird program! |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Apr 25, '09 01:54 | |
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| Excellent read :) looking forward to the next issue! | |
| Reply by: TM-Scarface at Apr 25, '09 02:02 | |
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Second time not in the paper, oh no! jk Nice little read mateys |
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| Reply by: Cav at Apr 25, '09 03:32 | |
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| As always, very informative and entertaining. | |
| Reply by: Adrian at Apr 25, '09 04:07 | |
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Godmother Marietta i love your paper and thank you for the business mention if i was to have more time on my hand i would ask you to be my wife ha ha ha ha but you would have to learn to catch dingo and kangaroo |
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| Reply by: TamaRourke at Apr 25, '09 05:46 | |
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| Great read - as usual... | |
| Reply by: Nickje at Apr 25, '09 06:31 | |
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| Another great paper can't wait to the fourth. | |
| Reply by: Ruaidhri_M at Apr 25, '09 06:42 | |
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always informative and entertaining as usual.. and i like this statement : Crazy Flight Patterns Cross Country Flights Now Fuckin' Expensive! |
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| Reply by: McLovin at Apr 25, '09 06:59 | |
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| Great Read Marrieta. Cant wait to see the next. | |
| Reply by: BobMarley at Apr 25, '09 07:52 | |
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| Good paper. | |
| Reply by: Donato_Tagliano at Apr 25, '09 08:17 | |
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| nice paper, I shall be reading the next, and more to come. | |
| Reply by: Dynamo at Apr 25, '09 09:01 | |
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| Good read, especially considering it was rushed! Looking forward to next weeks as always! | |
| Reply by: TheTerminator at Apr 25, '09 09:10 | |
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| Awesome as always! Another great read! | |
| Reply by: Nicky at Apr 25, '09 10:22 | |
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| A very nice read | |
| Reply by: Rebel at Apr 25, '09 11:36 | |
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| I find this the only paper worth reading weekly. Informative and very well constructed Madam. | |
| Reply by: HydroPhonic at Apr 25, '09 12:07 | |
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