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| The Chronicle- Issue Four | Started by: Marietta on May 02, '09 03:09 |
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THE CHRONICLE Your Underground Newspaper of Choice ~*~*~ Four editions. That's so amazing to me, that I haven't run out of steam yet. Either way, I can't take all the credit. So much has happened this past week that this issue has basically written itself. Either way, per usual, enjoy or... well, don't. Thanks, pals, Marietta Editor ~~~ Breaking News Something That Totally Just Happened Before We Went to Print And yes, we actually have an article for this section this week. Though it wasn't quite before print, this morning former Don of Chicago, Nicky, obtained the rank of Godfather! Mobsters from around the Windy City, as well as the other well-known crime cities, came to extend their most heartfelt congratulations to the long time Kelly Crime Syndicate leader. His successor came in the form of his former Right Hand Alessia, his new Right Hand the ever eloquent Adrian. We here at The Chronicle wish you many long and happy years in your new positions, Chicago. Well done to you all! ~~~ New in the Eight Cities Bringing You Chatter from the Underworld Current Events Article by Death-Knight Detroit: Recently in Detroit Rock City, nothing much has been happening. Marietta made sure that she kept all her Detroitians at home in the Motor City while the recent war was taking place. New York: New York has been a busy city the last few days. Caius, Phantom_Ghost and Noir all decided to go to war with Los Angeles. Chicago: In Chicago recently nothing much has happened. Don Nicky made sure when the war was taking place he put a lockdown on Chicago and no one could fly there until it had all blown over. Los Angeles: Los Angles was woken up a few days ago with the sound of gun fire from Caius, Phantom_Ghost and Noir. They found out that there was a war against them and they fought back to defend their city. Then Vicodin and the rest of LA moved into an abandoned building in Philly while the war was taking place to gain more protection from JimmyTheLionHeart. New Orleans: In New Orleans this week they suffered a little bit of the war and lost some of their good men. Some of the leaders also took shelter in the abandoned building in Philly but Brick_Pollitt stuck at his New Orleans HQ. Philadelphia: In Philly quite a fair bit has been going on. JimmyTheLionHeart came to the aid of Vicodin and Los Angeles and fought alongside them against Noir, Caius, Phantom_Ghost and LV. He lost all of his great Captains in Philly. Las Vegas: Las Vegas was being ruled by The Relentless. Godfather Hypno decided to join in with this current war that was taking place. Sadly it didn't go too well. He passed away in his hospital bed with serious gunshot wounds. Hypno lost all of his great leaders, MacLeod and Frankie_Gogolak. They both suffered great gunshot wounds. Las Vegas at this current moment in time is being ran by the Police and FBI while they clear the streets of the recently deceased. St.Louis: Recently in St.Louis well.... no one knows what's going on as the Police have it under lockdown for some unknown reason. Rumours have it that RourkeyRourke was behind this Lockdown but nobody knows what went on in St.Louis. ~~~ Mid Week Massacre The War No One Ever Expected Highly unexpected it was. What started as an argument escalated into a war of phenomenal proportions. After some digging around this reporter managed to get the scoop on just about everything. The incident started with an argument in the coffeeshops. New York leader Cauis began an argument with Los Angeles Right Hand Midol. It was nothing more than some bickering that ended moments later. Yet it seems that Caius' fury over the altercation wasn't over just yet. Caius approached the Godfather of his city, ThomasRourke, and asked for permission to war Los Angeles over the "disrespect" he felt he had suffered. Godfather Rourke told him under no circumstances would he support such reasoning for a war, and told him he would have nothing to do with anything of the sort. New York leader Premeir was also approached by the former Gotham Mafia Boss, yet he too echoed the sentiments of the Godfather. Others, it appears, weren't so lucky. Recently it was revealed that after Godfather Thomas and Premeir had retired to their respective homes for the night, Caius managed to convince both Phantom_Ghost and Noir, other New York leaders, that Rourke had approved the call for war. Feeling they had his permission, they gave their consent for help. The three families pony-ed up and launched an assault at Los Angeles. In the first wave a few bodyguards were taken, as were two Consiglieres from LA. Cauis did not make it past the first round and was felled shortly. What ensued was, for a lack of a better phrase, complete chaos. After the initial round went down, Los Angeles appealed to Godfather Jimmy of Philly to come to their aide. They fired off one shot and killed a Boss, then declared themselves out of the war. Phantom_Ghost, catching wind that they were involved, fired off a shot at Jimmy himself. Philly and New Orleans then flopped back into the war once more. They cleared Phantom_Ghost's family from the face of our world, then left Los Angeles to deal with the remaining threat against them: Noir. Noir, in the mean time, had appealed to his old friend for help. This friend just so happened to be Hypno, Godfather of Las Vegas. Hypno saddled up his men and gathered his horses, or the other way around, and marched onto the battle grounds to defend Noir. Philly and New Orleans, after seeing the devesatation that this move could cause, decided to enter, for the final time, into this war. What resulted was the death of many leaders and high ranking members of This Thing of Ours. After all was said and done, Philly, New Orleans and Los Angeles were declared the victors, though they had all sustained some serious amount of loss in both leaders and crew members. This level of massacre has not been seen in our world for quite some time. Every city has felt some form of loss because of this entire escapade, and to think that it all started with drug prices. Be forewarned, ladies and gentlemen. Watch how you speak to one another, wherever you may meet. ~~~ The Bold and the Two-tiful Philly's Newest Auths Article by HereForTheStreets The widespread destruction of the past war resulted in the temporary abandonment of Los Angeles, deaths from nearly each of the seven cities, and the complete and utter devastation of the Las Vegas branch of the mafia. A great, gaping hole has been left in business operations all around the country. Fortunately, two capable men have been tabbed to help with both the rebuilding process and expansion into a new territory. Philadelphia was hit hard by the last war, as Godfather JimmyTheLionheart lost all three branches of his operation when -Rusko-, Giovanni, and Akasha were killed. To help Philly along in the process of rebuilding, Godfather Lionheart looked no further than his right hand. AlfonsiTimello has been given the nod to begin his own crew in Philadelphia. Though it makes sense that the men and women most deserving of leadership should rise to these slantified positions, it can also be very difficult as a CL to lose someone so heavily relied on. Mr. Timello has no doubt proved his worth to Godfather Lionheart, and it's rumored that Akasha's daughter Hayley is very capable of stepping in to Alfonsi's old RHM shoes. Another auth appearing in Philadelphia, though not for long, is that of Odd . Odd formerly served as Shagtastic's RHM in Los Angeles, but relocated to Philadelphia during and after the war. Though he has set up shop in Philadelphia for the time being the word on the street is that, when it opens its gates, Odd will be moving to the city of St. Louis as one of the first CLs to blaze a trail there. He and Don Pollitt from New Orleans will attempt to expand this thing of ours to this new city of St.Louis and perhaps even be the first mafiosi to step foot there. (Although it has been rumored that, prior to the war, RourkeyRourke and PedroRourke had a picnic there, though this information has been not been verified.) Congratulations to the two newest auths in our world and best of luck to them as they rebuild and tread new ground. ~~~ Advice from Amy Questions? She Can Answer! Advice Column by Amy Annie Moose Q: Amy, Recently our world went through such a devastating loss. Can you tell me what the total number of high rankers killed were in the end of the most recent war? Thanks, Morbid A: Weirdo, Though it was already touched upon in an earlier article, I'll go ahead and break it down for you. In the most recent war of Caius/Phantom_Ghost/Noir/LV versus LA/PH/NO, the final numbers ran a little something like this: 1 Godfather died. 12 Dons died. 21 Consigs died. 16 Bosses died. 18 Capos died. 31 Mades died (though two were prowackers from other cities). 13 Bolds died. 8 Right Hands died. 99 people Made and above killed as a result of this war. Kind of shitty when you stack it like that, huh? You're welcome, Amy If you would like to write to Amy, please send a letter to Advice from Amy, Care of Marietta ~~~ Famous Mobster Sightings Who, What, When, Where and Why Curious about what the more famous of our world get up to during the week? Here's a look at what we here at the Chronicle were able to capture. Since the last war leveled a lot of high rankers, we'll be taking a look at most of the new bolds and slanties. Tommy_Gunn, Right Hand to Alessia in Chicago, buying a pet duck hatchling. Was seen cradling it to his chest. Left hand to AlfonsiTimello in Philly, Manson, running up and down Main Street over turning garbage cans on cars. Walking around glancing carefully over his shoulder, Odd, soon to be Saint Louis leader, was paranoid a ghost was following him. Clockwork, Right Hand to Persian in Chicago, standing outside a clockworks store, watching a pendalum swing back and forth in a display Godfather clock. Right Hand to Odd in Philly, MrFCUK, arguing with an attractive woman outside a well known Philly restaurant. Admiring a car at Detroit's Reckless Automobiles, Temperance, Left Hand to Nicky in Chicago, bartering with a salesman for a buy one get one free deal. The_Abyss, Right Hand to Munchkin in New Orleans, lecturing his army of bodyguards and taunting them with a revoked trip to the ice cream store. Left Hand to Brick_Pollitt in New Orleans, Pickles, fluttering her eyelashes at a young man while sticking her hand in his pocket and stealthily taking his wallet. ~~~ Restaurant Review of the Week Under the Scope: Los Angeles' The Un-Lucky Dragon Every week one of our reviewers will stop by a random (or suggested by readers like you!) restaurant or business in a random city and will share whether the place was dressed to impress or destined to flop. This week we've landed our sights on Los Angeles- in particular, a snazzy little Chinese Food place called "The Un-Lucky Dragon". Owned and operated by the late KittieCapone, Left Hand to Brick_Pollitt of New Orleans, the place has obviously been kept up with love and care after the demise of the lovely proprietor. The fact that the place is still as busy as ever after a month of being open speaks volumes about the establishment. Environment: Fun and trendy. While you eat you cannot help but wonder just what is going on in the other sectors of the building, like the laundry mat or Mahjong parlor. Perfect marble counters, paper lanterns and crystal chandeliers give you the sense that you have traveled far away from home... but in style and class. Service: Polite and friendly. Despite it being named "Un-Lucky" you cannot help but sense that when you are here, you are the "luckiest" customer to have walked through the door that day. Clientele: Stemming from the lowliest thug to some of La Cosa Nostra's best and brightest. Everyone who has an urge for chinese food, laundry doing or Mahjong will certainly have their needs met here. Our rating: Five out of five. Simple, elegent, fun and it's sure as hell convienent. We could slather on several more adjectives to sway your opinion, but you may as well go check it out yourself. Congratulations to the late Kittie and The Un-Lucky Dragon. If you too want to be one of the restaurants or businesses reviewed, make sure that you have a large, lovely and booming business! Be on your toes, you never know when you'll be next! ~~~ Looking for a better way to travel? Tired of your old car now that you are making the big bucks? Come visit the Reckless Automobile lot, located in Detroit, Michigan! Reckless Auto has all your needs, varieties and wants. Stop by Reckless Automobiles today! ~~~ Own a business? Want some free advertising? Contact Godfather Marietta today and your company could be featured in the next issue of The Chronicle! ~~~ Interview with a Leader This Week: Detroit's Cruel Interview by Reporter Miss R. Each week the Chronicle will be interviewing leaders they find interesting or that have done something to impact the Underworld in some way. These leaders will be asked several questions about their career, personal life, as well as their plans for the future. Below is the transcript of the interview with Don Cruel. Hope you enjoy! Miss R: Good afternoon, Don Cruel! Thank you for meeting with me! Cruel: Hello (Ms. R), thanks for having me here today, it's a real pleasure. For the full transcript of this interview, please turn to Section A-5. ~~~ This Week in LCN History Mobster Events of the Past Ever wonder what the Mafiosi of yester-year were up to? In this new segment we will be showing you just what they were up to during the talkative week of April 24th through the 30th. April 25th: Then New York leader j0ngott1 (I Scopatale Della Madre) makes a speech to find out what exactly people these (or those!) days aspire to do and become in this Thing of Ours. April 26th: Then New York Captain Deviant (L'Esercito del Formaggio) makes a speech on what it really takes to own and run a city. April 28th: Then Chicago leader Mr_47 (47 Enterprises) regales a small crowd with a tale about the one time he was sick, much to everyone's amusement. April 29th: Eyzlee was promoted to Captain of Sindacato dei Numeri in Philly. April 29th: Mobster DJ_Spinster comments on the lack of activity in the streets and encourages people (in a gruff sort of way) to "step it up". ~~~ The Chronicle presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Multiple Mobmail Sender. (Mr. Multiple Mobmail Sendaaaah!) You like to chat. You like to chat a lot. So what do you do? You target everyone you see on the streets, and drop them a nice little letter in the mail. (I spend two-thousand dollars a month on postage!) If they don't respond? To hell with them. You'll send them another, and another, and another until they are forced to respond. (Did you get my last letter?!) Irritating? Never. You are merely showing the love to your friends and family world wide. Over and over and over again. (Here have my five-hundredth MAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!!!) So have yourself a nice, hot mug of coffee, Master of the Mail. As long as you are around, no one will ever feel lonely ever again. (Mr. Multiple Mobmail Seeeendeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr!) ~~~ Weather What Your Local Forecast is Saying Spring is here, spring is here! But is it spring where you are? Take a gander below and see what your weekend holds! Chicago: Showers on Friday will dissipate into a partly cloudy rest of the weekend. Where's the sun?! Detroit: Much like Chicago, rain on Friday will pull a disappearing act, leaving nothing but clouds in it's wake for the rest of the weekend. Las Vegas: While Friday may be clear and hot (highs of 80s), don't be fooled. A thunderstorm on Saturday is followed by clouds on Sunday. Los Angeles: A mostly overcast weekend, with a few showers in the mix on Saturday. New Orleans: Thunderstorms on Friday will break into a sunny rest of the weekend. Enjoy! New York: Rain, rain, rain all weekend. No luck here, New Yorkers. Philly: You seem to be sitting in the same boat as NY. Enjoy the rainy weekend. Saint Louis: Thunderstorms on Friday will pave the way for a rainy rest Saturday and Sunday. ~~~ Topic of the Week What's on Everyone's Mind? Every week we will ask seven people, one from every heavily populated crime city, to fill out a questionnaire, asking for their opinions on the subject at hand. They will be asked three questions each, and we at the Chronicle expect to receive a variety of responses! The subject of the week: Due to something mentioned to the Editor in weeks past the topic is "memberwhoring". (Answers were posted in the order they were received. Las Vegas did not have any inhabitants for questioning.) What, in your opinion, is the definition of memberwhoring? Anonymous, Chicago: I think it's where a (mobster) rises up the ranks to try and get is own family up and running. For the rest of this article, please turn to Section B-3. ~~~ Detroit Has Gone Crazy Holy Hell! Almost as if the name along inspired things, this past week has been crazy! Yet let's focus more on the contests that Godmother Marietta of the Motor City ran this past week, and the winners of such. In what was deemed a successful week by many, the contests have all finally been closed, and the entries are being reviewed by a panel of judges. As many people eagerly await their names being called, four people are already flaunting their free cash. The closing ceremonies consisted of an encore to the Jail Bird competition. After five hours of jail breaking, four random Mobsters in the Detroit City Limits all walked away with one million dollars- cold, hard cash. Those people were -BobMarley, Adrian, quintus_seritorius and Dante_Romano. Stay tuned for Marietta's speech in the Streets, announcing the winners of each of the other five contests. And we hope that in the future, Detroit surely decides to go "crazy" again. ~~~ Obituaries and Retirements Rest In Peace A section where we respectfully honor and highlight the lives lost of those Made Rank and up. Since so many people have died, we will only be doing eulogies for those Consigliere and up, as well as Crew Leaders. Everyone else who died that was Made and up will be merely listed, as well as whom they worked for. This is not meant to be disrespectful, there were just that many obits this past week. CadburyKid One time Consigliere for Sal_Giaquinto of New Orleans. Many well wishers mourned him at his funeral procession. For the rest of the obituaries, please turn to Section C-5. ~~~ Money Money Money Money Give Away The Editor has too much money than she knows what to do with sometimes. What better way than to reward readers of The Chronicle? Everyone who purchased a copy of the paper last week had their personal information taken down by one of our salesmen. Their names were put into a hat, and three names were drawn. These three people will all become winners of 100K each! And this week's winners were... TamaRourke, BlueSunday and Sal_Giaquinto! Congratulations! The money has been wired to your bank accounts. Enjoy! Remember to buy your copy of The Chronicle. You never know- next week you would be a winner! ~~~ Horoscopes Since They're So Friggin Popular Want to know what the week holds? Well we can't tell you that. Get a glimpse about how it might turn out, though: Aries (March 21st through April 19th): This week is, for lack of a better term, unpredictable for you Aries. One day you'll be happy as can be, the next you'll be full of doubt and paranoia. Make sure you watch what you say or the next thing you know you'll be full of remorse and regret as well. To find your horoscope, please turn to Section D-7! ~~~ Thank you for reading the fourth edition of The Chronicle! Our staff really hopes you enjoyed it! We are always available to answer your questions at any time. Please contact the editor, Marietta, with any concerns you may have. Editor: Marietta Staff Reporter: Death-Knight If you would like to write for the Chronicle, please contact Marietta for more information and to set up an interview asap! Visit us in the coffee shops in #detchron |
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| This is no less than excellent. I just can't wait for the next edition! | |
| Reply by: JoeyTribiani at May 02, '09 03:27 | |
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Wonderful paper as usual! I think I will make memorial boxes and use the obits as decoupage. There certainly were enough of them this week! Wanders off to go stick her hands in a certain gentleman's pockets. |
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| Reply by: Pickles at May 02, '09 04:02 | |
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I'm slacking in public outrage at the moment. "Persian astounded the world by..." I dunno, having frantic sex with RourkeyRourke? I'll think of something. Watch this space. |
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| Reply by: Persian at May 02, '09 04:32 | |
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| I love The Chronicle, really enjoyed it again. | |
| Reply by: Lil_Wayne at May 02, '09 04:45 | |
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| A great read as always. I deeply thank the editors for such a professionally written issue. | |
| Reply by: Adrian at May 02, '09 05:07 | |
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| I continue to be astounded by your work ethic, Marietta. If I worked anywhere near half as hard as you, I'd have given up and run myself into the ground on a steady diet of cocaine and hookers by now. | |
| Reply by: Alfieri at May 02, '09 05:20 | |
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| Another excellent edition. | |
| Reply by: Ruaidhri_M at May 02, '09 06:12 | |
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Preston picks up a copy of the chronicles to see what all the craze is about. He heard this was the best paper around. "Well Let me just say that this paper is probably the most well written and thought out print I have seen in a long time" "A great read" |
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| Reply by: Preston_Franks at May 02, '09 07:13 | |
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| Well done, another good read. | |
| Reply by: Rebel at May 02, '09 07:51 | |
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Thank you everyone, I'm glad you're enjoying! And Alfieri...
Expect my death by overdose any day now. I'll be in a shady motel in the company of two young, scantily clad women. |
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| Reply by: Marietta at May 02, '09 08:36 | |
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| Once again, another great chronicle. Keep up the great work! | |
| Reply by: Angela_Baker at May 02, '09 10:21 | |
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| Enjoyed that, good stuff. Dunno how I missed the first 3, but I did. I'll go for a read of the older ones. | |
| Reply by: Manson at May 02, '09 10:28 | |
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Great work as always Mam :) |
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| Reply by: alfie_alviano at May 02, '09 10:43 | |
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| Its just gets better and better | |
| Reply by: Sam_Giancana at May 02, '09 12:05 | |
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| OooOOoo, Creeeepy!? I like it! Well done, of course | |
| Reply by: Odd at May 02, '09 13:06 | |
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A very interesting read, I'd pay to be sent a copy of this. Val places the paper back on the stack and continues with his day |
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| Reply by: Valerio_Giaquinto at May 02, '09 14:12 | |
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I love this newspaper, it amazes me how even though it seems like it can't get any better, every edition is better than the last. <3 Marietta |
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| Reply by: Condemned2 at May 02, '09 14:36 | |
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nods in appreciation I Must say this was a very well written and informative edition. It warmed my heart a little to see my lil bro mentioned with the others who lost their lives this week. Good Job M... |
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| Reply by: Money-B at May 02, '09 14:55 | |
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Enjoyed reading about the reasons for war. Little mind baffling. Oh well... Thanks for the effort you guys put in. |
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| Reply by: Jonizzel at May 02, '09 15:01 | |
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