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| Dr. Pickles Public Health Warning - Bullets | Started by: Dr_Pickles on May 10, '09 03:47 |
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Ladies and Gentlemen, and the rest of you malcontents, I have come here today do give you the first in a series of lectures about the safety concerns in our daily lives. The topic of today's lecture - Bullets! How to Avoid Them. The majority of gun related injuries I've seen in my years as a doctor (ladies, did I mention I'm a doctor?) have been directly caused by bullets, except that one incident that involved the proctology department. We're still laughing at that x-ray. But I digress . . . Bullets pose a major health concern that I would like to help you all avoid. First, when someone point a gun at you, simply give them a polite excuse and walk away. Allow me to demonstrate. *A nurse walks up to Pickles and points a gun in his face* "Gimme your money!" "Not now, dear, you get paid later . . . oh . . . I mean 'I'm sorry, I left a roast in the oven, and I must leave now." Then you run away. Some also suggest a bullet proof vest. You can get your official "47 Enterprises Novelty Bullet Proof Vest " at a retailer near you. Another great way to avoid bullets is ducking. How does this work? Easy. You carry a duck with you, and place it between you and the flying bullet, although, that can be a little impractical at times. Now, some of you younger kids might think that bullet wound scars make you look cool and manly and attractive to women, much like this delicious cigarette makes me look. But, bullets are no laughing matter. They can cause serious health problems. Sure, you might look cool showing off your scars in a bar, but how cool will you look when a bullet rips off half your ear, and you look like a circus freak? You might enjoy bragging to your friends about how many times you've been shot, but how can your brag about being shot in the head and a veritable vegetable, drooling out of your mouth like, well, Tie? And, what happens when you finally meet that special lady? No, not the one on the street corner that takes double coupons, but the one you want to settle down with? What's she going to say when her gentle beloved has more holes than a colander? Your health is your responsibility, so, the next time you are confronted by a bullet, remember this handy acronym, SISSY. Stop Identify your exits Scream at the top of your lungs Soil Yourself! Be safe and healthy! And, get ready for the next lesson - VD and You! |
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See images of ThomasRourke for examples of a circus freak |
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| Reply by: Odd at May 10, '09 03:51 | |
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| Very funny read, well done | |
| Reply by: waylander at May 10, '09 03:51 | |
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| Nice as well as funny read, I want to hear what you have to say about VD. | |
| Reply by: Novacaine at May 10, '09 03:58 | |
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Strolling by, Kates gravely listens to the public health warning. Thank you for this extremely useful information, sir. I know a great many friends and relatives who, if they only had access to SISSY, may still be here today. Whips out a notepad and jots things down. |
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| Reply by: Kates at May 10, '09 13:04 | |
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| Never trust a doctor who got his medical degree at a night school. By mail. | |
| Reply by: Taskmaster at May 10, '09 13:32 | |
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| The legal print on my...I mean, those degrees specifies that you cannot blame the issuing party if the degree is not recognized as valid. | |
| Reply by: Leo_Rossi at May 10, '09 14:23 | |
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Fayth wanders past and then comes back to listen to the public safety warning This would be great advice if I could spell :) Very funny and great read |
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| Reply by: Fayth at May 10, '09 15:16 | |
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Frank comes out to the streets wanting to hear the public health warning. Frank thinks to himself "Hmmmm SISSY does it really work. Or should I stick to the rule of POPS Pull Out Pistol and Squeeze. Guess it will be POPS got to live on my feet" |
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| Reply by: Frank_Blazini at May 10, '09 19:32 | |
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In lack of better words to describe my hapness in sharing this leason, I Will make kate words my owne .. Peace out.. |
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| Reply by: Eltin at May 10, '09 20:10 | |
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"and the rest of you malcontents," Oh look finally a greeting for ME! |
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| Reply by: TheTerminator at May 10, '09 23:45 | |
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I love ducking, the best way to stop a bullet. Until you run out of ducks anyways. *Orphlark limps off* |
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| Reply by: OrphLark at May 11, '09 01:50 | |
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Fantastic job, I hope for more like this, it brings a great smile to my face and is a good break from the mundaneness of life. Thank you sir, and Bravo! Mudkips applauds |
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| Reply by: Mudkips at May 11, '09 05:34 | |
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I may not be a doctor, but I believe I can also share some valuable advice on the subject. It's my personal opinion that the best way to avoid a bullet is to shoot the fucker first. If someone wants to shoot you, they're gonna keep tryin' til they're successful. Maybe take some initiative and pick up a gun. |
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| Reply by: Decker_White at May 11, '09 08:34 | |
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Takes out notepad and scribbles some notes down. Very funny, Dr_Pickles. |
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| Reply by: Colin_McMurphy at May 11, '09 15:28 | |
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| Hilarious!! Well-written... Let me noe if you need a nurse's assistance for your VD presentation.... | |
| Reply by: The_Nurse at May 11, '09 15:37 | |
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I see you prefer Biblical advice, Decker - Do unto others before they do unto you. Nurse, I might need some help with research *wink* |
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| Reply by: Dr_Pickles at May 11, '09 18:28 | |
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Another great way to avoid bullets is ducking. How does this work? Easy. You carry a duck with you, and place it between you and the flying bullet Lmao that made me laugh really hard. |
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| Reply by: -Joker- at May 12, '09 00:02 | |
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